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Meet: Owen Wright’s Rock Star Girlfriend!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

It’s a glory hole of love!

Every Sunday afternoon, I like to descend to the bottom of the inexhaustible mine of Instagram. It’s a dignified pursuit, a high-water mark of my week, even if it does make my contempt for humanity grow fiercer.

Such stupidity, such contempt for literature and art and everything I hold dear.

But, then, all those glistening flanks, the quivering bosoms, the heaving bellies and tossing thighs! It give me some of the keenest torments I’ve ever had to endure!

And, look hard enough, and you’ll find…love.

Just then I strolled into Owen Wright’s business with the teenage rock star Kita Alexander, whose songs have the good temper of a warm summer’s day.

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Kita Alexander, on stage. She sings with the exuberance of a southerner!

Owen, as you know, suffered a terrible concussion in Hawaii and had to withdraw from the Pipeline Masters and the world title race.

Did you ever wonder who the angel was who nursed him back to heath?

Examine these Instagram posts, first from Owen.

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And, from Ms Alexander.

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Can you remember the first time you first felt such a love? When the world around you seemed to vanish and all of that dull cynicism you’d carried for years was washed away by hours of kissing and tomfoolery? That twinge of desire in the pit of your stomach. Kisses so hard you can’t breathe. Drinking spit as if it was sixty-dollar champagne.

It’s a previous thing to behold, love. It’s as precious as a ruby but as fragile and as easily ruined as a silk shirt.

Now let’s watch Kita, this teen with her distinctive personality and that little extra something, that extra tang, that heady savour, sing!

Is it worth your eight minutes? Yes!

Speculation: WSL furious about fun?

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Is the WSL responsible for Red Bull's "technical difficulties?"

Two days ago, Red Bull TV launched a charming enough new video series online called In House: Road to the Volcom Pipe Pro.

The accompanying press release read:

In it we take you inside the two most infamous fortresses on the North Shore, the Volcom houses, which serve as base camp for the company’s team of surfers as they navigate the most intense period of the year, the Hawaiian winter. Looming on the horizon is the Volcom Pipe Pro and an opportunity, for some, to qualify for next year’s Pipe Masters, while others look to kickstart their 2016 campaign with a emphatic, signature performance at the best wave in the world.

In the opening episode, we’re introduced to the two legendary Pipe houses by their caretakers Tai Vandyke and Kaimana Henry. Carlos Munoz takes us to the Dungeon, Dusty Payne looks to defend his title at the Hawaiian Pro at Haleiwa, and a ceremonial paddleout for a fallen friend provides perspective for the winter ahead.

Fun! Cute! Innocuous! Derek Rielly wrote, “It will cost you roughly eighteen-and-a-half minutes, unlocking none of the secrets but revealing much of their mysterious charm.”

The next day it was quickly vanished. An ensuing email blamed “technical difficulties” and my imagination whirred to life.

Technical difficulties? What could “technical difficulties” possibly be a euphemism for? Who was slighted? Who threatened physical retribution? Is it possible that Red Bull TV producers and cameramen did not take their shoes off before trudging over the doorstep?

The video was promptly returned to the airwaves two days later but I hadn’t watched the first closely enough to see what had been changed.

Hmmmmmmmm.

And then a possible scenario danced on my prefrontal area. That dastardly WSL was to blame! Hear me out. The Pipeline Masters just wrapped up in very much less than stellar conditions with a champion who proves troublesome for the League. Such grit and wonderful determination sewn into Adriano de Souza’s strong brown body but also maybe a lack of global appeal? The fans were not the most happy, it seems, but equally not the most happy about having to watch professional surfing’s Super Bowl end in ugly dribble with the announcers lost for words when the little plumber hopped to victory.

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The Backdoor Shootout, following quickly on the Pipeline Master’s heels, just wrapped to outstanding reviews. The banter from very funny commentators! The SUP, longboard and body surf divisions! The fun! Surfing was fun again and, in direct comparison, the WSL’s product looked positively tame.

And the Pipeline Pro, which the video series marches toward, also promises to be fun with, very probably, excellent El Nino surf. It is a ‘QS event, placing it under the purview of the WSL, but only a 3000 series one. Small potatoes compared to the big show. The WSL powers must certainly anticipate another unfavorable comparison, no? And that must be very difficult to stomach. It would be like a single A baseball game outshining game 7 of the world series.

Did the WSL, thus, throw salt into Red Bull’s game? Did big Santa Monica lawyers find petty nothings and grind the gears? Remember, Monster was once (and maybe still is? Who knows!) the official energy drink of professional surfing. And the WSL does everything they can to cut Red Bull hats from pictures they post. Are they furious that fun has shown its ugly face in the door, if even for a moment?

Hmmmmmmmm.

Do you have a  better idea? Tell us!

Revealed: Slater Wavepool secrets!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

New and exclusive pictures! What do they mean?

Has Kelly Slater’s wavepool in quaint Lemoore, California kept you awake at night? Dreams of milk chocolate barrels running all day? God’s majestical handiwork transferred to the world’s most handsome bald man?

There are still so many more questions than answers. Kelly has kept quiet about the whole business after launching that incredible video before the champagne had dried on poor Adriano de Souza’s cheeks. The result of an ancient blood feud perhaps? Maybe.

But here! A hard-working detective, a man with both grit and brawn, has uncovered mysterious pictures. Like, those that beamed back from the Mars Rover! What lurks beneath all that farm run-off/water? Apparently this!

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What does it mean? I have no idea. My engineering skills are suspect, at best. But you might know! Tell us what’s happening here!

Also, apparently Kelly has begun inviting people to come and surf his creation. Who is first on the list? Oh no. Not your friends from BeachGrit but rather, allegedly, the son of Kelly’s old boss’s (the wonderful Bob McKnight) son Robbie! Robbie McKnight! Getting his shred on!

So there you are.

10 insane predictions for this year’s tour!

Kyle Wilson

by Kyle Wilson

Parko's gonna retire, Adriano's gonna win, Dusty Payne'll lose a heat against himself… 

Predictions? Who don’t like ’em? We got eight weeks until we greet again the  of the first WCT event of the season. Let’s imagine what skirmishes will greet us.

The author of this piece is a Mr Kyle Wilson, who explains his work thus: “If it’s too harsh or you think lawyers would get involved I’m okay with toning it down (Yes, Kyle, even us libertines at BeachGrit recoil at descriptives that contain “blossoming between her uplifted thighs, its swordlike blades gaping open to expose the bloody depths.”) Honestly, I think it’s funny and would love to read it. These guys are on tour, tomorrow I get to surf for an hour in slop shit Florida waves before I go to construction work. If you can’t laugh at yourself..”

1. Most Likely To Win The World Title: Adriano de Souza

Yup. And he’ll do it with even less fanfare than last year. With every tour win or great result Kelly Slater will announce new and innovative results at the wave park to steal his thunder, culminating in a Kanye style mic grab during ADS’s World Title speech in which Slater reveals, in true Willy Wonka fashion, that a golden ticket for lifetime access to the park is hidden in the lining of one of his $400 OuterKnown jackets. Madness ensues. ADS plays solitaire on his flight home to Brazil.

Kelly will skip Rio with a knee/foot/back/shoulder injury. And who can blame him? Who wants to surf through a sea full of human shit? Maybe this will be the year the boys on tour put their collective foot down and refuse to surf until they deal with the pollution problem. The WSL will panic and try to recruit replacement surfers, Dusty Payne will be the only one to cross the picket line and be promptly eliminated in a round two heat against himself.

2. Most Likely To Skip Rio: Kelly Slater

Shocker. I know. Kelly will skip Rio with a knee/foot/back/shoulder injury. And who can blame him? Who wants to surf through a sea full of human shit? Maybe this will be the year the boys on tour put their collective foot down and refuse to surf until they deal with the pollution problem. The WSL will panic and try to recruit replacement surfers, Dusty Payne will be the only one to cross the picket line and be promptly eliminated in a round two heat against himself.

3. Most Likely To Pull A Freddy P: Joel Parkinson 

Parko’s round one heat in pumping Snapper Rocks will see him drop two perfect 10’s and come in with 13 minutes remaining. Kai Otten is then forced to give Parko a piggyback ride through the already drunk Gold Coast crowd. Surprisingly, Parko still shows up to all remaining WSL events just to stick his finger in Kai’s mouth to ruin every yawn.

4.  Most Likely To Have Their Yawns Ruined By Parko: Kai Otten

5. Most Likely To Not Be Recognized By His Shaper: Alex Ribeiro

Nothing against the kid. I’ve just never heard of him and I guess I assume nobody else has either. Don’t feel bad Alex. This one time I was maced by my shaper’s wife because he neglected to tell her that I’d be waiting for them when they got home from an evening out. When I drunkenly pranced across the yard to give a woman I’ve never met a hug she predictably reacted badly. Didn’t help that I was going through a ski mask phase at the time.

6. Most Likely To Change Their Name: Wiggolly Dantas

For obvious reason. Come on bub, it’s been 26 years, you gotta pull the trigger. May I suggest “Ortho”?

Runner Up: John John Florence 

Seriously, how is everybody okay with this shit?

7. Most Likely To Be Involved In A Sex Tape Scandal: Jack Freestone

Alana Blanchard is sitting at 1.5 million followers and needs to turn up the heat. She will convince Jack to be the “Ray J” to her “Kim Kardashian”. “The Fappining” will be but a drop in the pond once this goes public. Jack will wake up with 500k new followers. Way to take one for the team Jacky boy.

8. Most Likely To Get A Patriotic Tattoo: Kolohe Andino

I’m picturing a bald eagle. Draped in an American flag. Guzzling a Bud Heavy. Firing an M 16. Location: tramp stamp.

9. Most Likely To Bang A Hollywood Starlet: John John Florence

I heard a rumor that Double J got all up in those Taylor Swift guts, but this year he’s going to capitalize even more on those magnificent golden locks of his. He’s going to set his sights even higher. Jennifer Lawrence? Salma Hayek? Bette Midler? Hell, maybe all three. Good on ya JJ.

10. Most Likely To Be Voted “Best Ears”: Jadson Andre

My god, have you seen those things? They are fucking glorious. There is this short story by Charles Bukowski called “The Great Zen Wedding”. Bukowski drunkenly tries to fight a Buddhist Monk and says: “I either want your motherfucking outfit or your motherfucking ears”. I don’t wear Oakley board shorts, Jadson. I’m coming for those motherfucking ears.

5 Mistakes You Make Every Time You Surf!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

As determined by the former number one rated surfer in the world, Mr Bradley Gerlach!

Brad Gerlach is a 40-something former world number one currently living in the city of Angels. He puts honey in his hive with a little modeling, consulting and surf coaching.

In September, 2014, you’ll remember, he performed in a heritage heat at the Hurley Pro, Trestles, squashing the 1989 world champ turned commentator Martin Potter a little too easily.

“And I surfed at 65 percent,” says Gerr.

What interests me, and what should interest you, about Gerr is his ability to get inside the technique of the best, and the worst, surfers. As in guys like Jordy Smith and Dane Reynolds and as in guys and girls like you and me.

Every time we paddle out, says Gerr, we make five fundamental errors.

1. Our expectations are too high
You set yourself up for failure by having high expectations. You’ll look at the waves and already you’ll be thinking how you’ll be catching this wave, ripping on that wave. But when you get out, you’re already on a backward rhythm because of your inflated expectations. If it doesn’t happen immediately you start to panic. Maybe you paddle out in a lull and you don’t even see a set for 20 minutes. You start to get frustrated and it impacts on your surfing. So the number one thing is to lower your expectations. Take it all the way back. Imagine how good it’ll feel just to paddle out and do that first duck-dive. I never have bad surfs anymore and I used to have ’em all the time just because I set myself such high expectations. Surfing shouldn’t be painful.

2. You think too much
Surfing’s not about thinking it’s about … feeling. People forget the reason they got into surfing was because it’s fun. I know there’s all kinds of clichés around the surfing-is-fun thing, but you take the fun out of it if you think too much. If you find yourself getting frustrated it’s because you’re thinking and not feeling.

The number one thing is to lower your expectations. Take it all the way back. Imagine how good it’ll feel just to paddle out and do that first duck-dive. I never have bad surfs anymore and I used to have ’em all the time just because I set myself such high expectations. Surfing shouldn’t be painful.

3. Your posture is wrong
Nobody in any sport can progress without a good posture and, in surfing, your back is the control center. The thing is, our consciousness is usually in our head because our eyes are there, and so people will bend their body in a way to get their head closer to the water. It’s a huge mistake. Your butt needs to go down toward the Achilles tendon, but if you put your head down toward the water your butt sticks up in the air. That’s the biggest mistake I see. That’s why Jordy surfs so well. His ass is on the ground! John John stands tall, but when he turns he drops his butt. Dane does it better than anybody.

4. You wave your arms
Your arms cannot be moving. They’re an enhancement of whatever the middle of the body is doing. Doing things with your arms doesn’t do a thing. Every coach out there that I read talks about arms –put your arms here, put your arms there – but you can’t put your arms anywhere if your body doesn’t turn. It’s your torso and your pelvis and your hips that need to move.

5. Sometimes it just ain’t your day
You can’t force surfing. Sometimes it’s not your day and that’s no biggie. Maybe the next day you’ll be on. No amount of being mad or aggro is going to change it. The only way to move forward is to be calm. Get out of the water, get a drink of water, even go home and swing back the next day.

(Watch as Gerr learns how to kinda air!)