Dear Rory: Advice for the Wretched!

8 years ago

Who am I? I get my kicks holding my breath and killing beautiful animals!

One of our lovely commenters, named after either a fish or hairstyle, suggested we run an advice column. I love that idea, it’s actually something I’ve always wanted to do.

When he was backed up by my favorite pseudonymous surf writer, well, I had to go forward.

So say hello to BeachGrit‘s newest Agony Aunt. I understand that the proper gender related term is Agony Uncle, but it makes me a little uncomfortable. Brings to mind a relative who you only see on holidays but whose very presence makes you sick to your stomach because you know he’s gonna corner you in the laundry room and nobody will believe what happened except for your mother who says you brought it on yourself for being such a slut.

I bring some heavy qualifications.

I’m a naturally gifted martial arts expert, having practiced my moves on my wife post-UFC bout for years. Won both of my last two fights, against a 65-year-old man and an 80-pound homeless girl.

The epitome of masculinity, able to provide moral guidance in an era when gender roles have become increasingly fluid and confusing. White of skin, well versed in the terrible discrimination faced by the modern Caucasian.

I’m a naturally gifted martial arts expert, having practiced my moves on my wife post-UFC bout for years. Won both of my last two fights, against a 65-year-old man and an 80-pound homeless girl. I earned my yellow belt in karate at the Newport Beach Women’s Club after only one lesson! I once fought a professional kickboxer at a resort in Olympos, Turkey. He beat the shit out of me, but I consider it a moral victory.

What I lack in wisdom I make up in confidence, able to deliver lengthy polemics without the need for research or reason.

I believe in the sanctity of the self, the god given right to do whatever you want, consequences be damned. But I don’t let that stop me from heaving bricks from my glass house, oh no! I’m always right, even when I’m kinda wrong.

I can hold my breath for a long time, get a strange kick from killing beautiful creatures.

I understand the struggles of the portly hirsute male in sport that caters to the slim and shaved.

I’ve traveled the world, tricked an attractive woman into catering to my every need, built a life in an island paradise free from the struggles of the modern world and the indecency of my fellow man.

I’m here for you!

To provide guidance, understanding, and circuitous justifications for bad decisions you’ve already made.

Send your questions to [email protected].

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Jeremy Flores is a ruthless machine at Bells. | Photo: WSL/Cestari

Parker: Bells, Drug Testing, Slavery!

By Rory Parker

8 years ago

The Bells contest starts in maybe two days! Let's discuss!

We’re two days, (maybe three, the dateline confuses me), out from Bells, that crusty cold water bitch that’s been around forever. Even though she really doesn’t look that hot anymore, and everyone is kind of sick of her shit, it’s all smiles and politeness and pretend relevancy. Hard to get excited.

In theory, it’s nice to think the competitors will dust off longer boards and use a little more rail. But that’s just the old man inside me talking. “Look! I can kind of surf like that because it’s easier on my joints!”

Whatever. Who cares? Great to see Mason getting a spot, we all love him. Too bad for Freestone, getting the Banting curse.

One wonders, with all these injuries, will the ‘CT ramp up drug testing? Because surfing ain’t exactly a sport that benefits from ‘roids, but when you’ve been out for a while and need to build atrophied muscle quickly there’s a solution in that needle. Or pill. I’m not really sure how one goes about taking steroids.

Will Kanoa learn to stop drawing out his reverses? Yeah, you can ride backwards, big deal. So can everyone on tour. This ain’t the ‘QS, can’t milk a score that way. Just slows you down, fucks up your approach to the next session. Hit it quick, flip around, save your effort for the end section bonk that the judges love.

Just kidding, we know they won’t. Testing is kept secret, which means they probably aren’t doing it. You only hide everything when you have something to hide. It’s the same reason police departments keep disciplinary records secret.

Will Kanoa learn to stop drawing out his reverses? Yeah, you can ride backwards, big deal. So can everyone on tour. This ain’t the ‘QS, can’t milk a score that way. Just slows you down, fucks up your approach to the next session. Hit it quick, flip around, save your effort for the end section bonk that the judges love.

Then there’s the elephant in the room, Rip Curl uses slave labor. Hefty profit in that, contracting out to people who quote real low. Don’t ask how, that’s a can of worms.

I love how they wrote it off. “Yeah, we knew. But the stuff already shipped, so what can you do?”

Could’ve recalled it. Which would have been the decent thing. Take a loss, rather than benefit from human misery. I understand that’s asking a lot, monitoring production, holding yourself accountable.

I love the irony of Chas’s Monster Energy drink article. Because an energy drink company isn’t really run by Satan, though there is a moral gray area that comes with peddling any addictive substance. But partnering with a company that profits from slave labor? Pretty brutal, totally uncaring.

I’m gonna say it again: RIP CURL PROFITS FROM SLAVERY.

They knew about it, could have got out in front of the subject. Make an announcement, donate the profits. But they didn’t. They tried to ignore it. Sweep it under the rug, keep the money.

And try to remember the next time you need a new wetsuit, or snowboard jacket, or whatever.

Now watch last year’s final between Mick Fanning and Taj Burrow here!

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How to: Stuff a Bikini!

By Derek Rielly

8 years ago

Noah Beschen runs over buoyant bikini gal!

Noah Beschen is the dazzling, almost 16 year old, son of one-time tour superstar Shane.

A few years ago, while talking biz with his daddy, I watched the tiny blond-haired, brown-skinned boy (a mix of Californian and Central American genes) skate the pool at Bondi, then terrorise the waves out front. Don’t you wish you had the same kinda childhood, hunting waves and skate parks, instead of kicking cans around y’crummy neighbourhood miles from the beach?

Anyway, this sequence, by the Hawaiian photographer Tony Heff, has always fascinated me. I saw it on Matt Biolos’ Instagram a lil while ago and figured it was some kinda advertising shoot. It looks set-up, yeah? It ain’t.

Turns out Noah and Heff were kicking around Ehukai’s little sandbar when Noah got a dreamy lil runner, Heff set up for the shot, and “suddenly he saw the lady right in his path,” says Heff, “but she couldn’t get out of the way in time. It seems like he did everything he could to get out of her way but she looked too buoyant to go underneath the water and he ran the back of her feet over. Noah wiped out and she came up holding her leg, wincing in pain. She couldn’t talk. Her husband, he sounded Brazilian, was yelling at her from the beach, ‘Are you ok? Are you ok?’ I was bummed because I thought she’d ruined my photo. Later, my friend was looking at the photos on my camera and couldn’t stop laughing.”

Let’s examine!

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Pure sunshine! | Photo: Brian Bielmann/brianbielmann.com

Just in: Mason Ho to surf Bells!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

The one and only Mason Ho and also Dusty Payne. But Mason Ho!

Do you love that Rip Curl has an event if only because Mason Ho gets to wildcard? Thank you Claw Warbrick for starting your wetsuit brand in an austere land and thank you Jack Freestone! It is due his injury, or maybe Filipe Toledo’s, that Mason gets to do post heat interviews on the bleak sands of Torquay, Australia. Have you ever been there? Have you ever scanned the depressing bluffs with your sad eyes and felt even more sadness actually seep deeper into your very soul? Mason Ho is exactly the sunshine Victoria needs!

Dusty Payne is surfing too. #shrug.

But Mason! Mason Ho! Read his hilarious 10 worst here and laugh and put him on your Fantasy Surf team straight away. How did you do after Snapper by the way? I did poorly. Does it mean I don’t know professional surfing? Probably.

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Just in: WSL partners with Satan?

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Many questions about a very shady deal.

Remember one year ago when the World Surf League signed an exclusive deal with Monster Energy drink to be the Official Energy Sponsor™ of Professional Surfing™? It cost a rumored $2,500,000.00! Red Bull hats were banned, rage was internalized, etc.

And that was that. I don’t recall seeing the Claw™ much on WSL broadcasts though either this year or last and part of me wonders if the deal was fake, like the amount of viewers that watch WSL webcasts. Or if the deal was contingent upon delivering actual eyeballs. Or, maybe, if Monster doesn’t care because because they bought something much more valuable than piddly little Internet numbers.

They bought THE SOUL OF SURFING!

Did you know that Monster Energy might be Satanic? Watch and learn just like Kelly Slater watched and learned about chemtrails!

And oh, you’ve read the Legend of Robert Johnson. You know that the Devil pokes around making strange deals for strange things. Would it be so wrong for him to want to own surfing? And what do you think, exactly, he got for 2.5 million dollars? Did he get all the announcers and Taj Burrow or does Taj get to opt out because he is retiring? Did he get the Red Bull athletes too? Did he have to take CEO Paul Speaker and Graham Stapelberg and was he all bummed, telling anyone who would listen, “Yeah I don’t know who those guys are…look! There’s Kelly!” Does Joe Turpel have to follow him around in hell doing play-by-play when he is not at events? “Satan gets on his throne and resets…”

Many questions.

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Eat beach grit spam!