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Ouch: Stab in the Back 2016!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Stab magazine oversight spins the Internet into a frenzy of conspiracy and finger pointing!

Do you love Stab‘s Stab in the Dark competition? I do. I think it is one of the best things in our surf world, better than Surfer Poll or The World Surf League’s Rookie of the Year race. I think it is fantastic.

If you are unaware, this is the second and features Dane Reynolds. Last year, Stab in the Dark 2015 featured Julian Wilson. And here’s what happens. The famous surfer is given a full quiver of white performance shortboards shaped by the best artisans in our world. He rides them each multiple times, I think, then lists his favorites from 1-10 or 1-13 or whatever the case may be.

The winner gets to claim that they are the best shaper in the world, I think. Last year DHD, Chilli and Mayhem ended up one, two and three.

And I love it so much because the shapers have true grit. Such guts! They put their reputations of the line in a very rare way. What if, say, Dane Reynolds picked you last? Would you question your very existence? I would. I truly and really marvel at their willingness to jump into the ring. Rare. And bravo to them.

Last night, Stab thanked all these shapers on Instagram, appropriately, for partaking in the competition which officially ends Thursday night. Except they forgot one.

Dane Reynolds surfboard sponsor Channel Islands!

Uh-oh!

The comments lit up with “Merrick?” “CI?” “What about CI?” “You forgot CI.” etc. etc. etc. The Channel Islands account also weighed in with a “?”

Stab eventually rectified in the comments, claiming that Channel Islands was left off due mechanical Instagram error but it made me wonder. Is there some darker conspiracy involving Sidney Blumenthal? Or possibly Putin himself?

Did the omission have something to do with the greater SurfStitch family of brands (FCS, Stab and Magic Seaweed) trying to drive CI’s price down so that Burton will be inclined to sell at a deep discount?

Is the first half of the ex-handsomest duo in action sport (Justin Cameron and Lex Pedersen) seeking revenge by embarrassing his old company in a well-timed blast?

Have I been reading too much political coverage?

Is there such thing as too much political coverage?

Sidney Blumenthal?

I trust WikiLeakes to divulge the true reason at an appropriate date.

Huntington politician loves Trump!

Rory Parker

by Rory Parker

Ain't Huntington Beach, California the grandest place on earth?

Did ya’ catch the debate last night? Amazing stuff. Top notch political theater. I was so excited to watch that I blew off an afternoon glass off in favor of sitting in front of my laptop. Streaming PBS and taking bong hits until my mind melted.

I’m very thankful I don’t have a dog in the race this election cycle. To recap: Hawaii’s polls close six hours after the East Coast, we only have four electoral votes (out of 270), and the state is tried and true blue. My vote don’t count for shit on the national stage. I couldn’t be happier.

I get to play observer, avoid becoming truly invested. I’d have a heart attack. Better to focus on the small stage campaigns over which I have some control. Stuff that’ll actually affect my life.

Plus! I’ve taken to grabbing my unsuspecting wife by the pussy every chance I get.

“It’s presidential,” I tell her. “Total power move. You love it.”

Of course, you’d have to be a total fucking idiot to think Trump presidency would do anything but usher in the End Times. Maybe that’s the case. There seems be a lot of overlap between the can’t-wait-for-Jesus-to-come-back zealots and the Make America White Again fascists.

I know a few of you read the preceeding, understood a few words, and got all upset because you’re voting for the buffoon. Feel free to unload the racist misogynist white terror vitriol in the comments.

Just keep in mind that I don’t care what you have to say. Because I think you’re a total fucking idiot.

However, I do appreciate you expressing yourself. I’d hate to not know which way you’re swinging. I might accidentally take you seriously one day.

I searched online to see if there was a surf-oriented Trump outreach organization. I didn’t expect to find one, but you never know. Some people have no shame.

You know who turned up? Dana Rohrabacher, the surfing congressman! US Representative for California’s 48th Congressional District, an area that encompasses Seal Beach, Sunset Beach, Huntington Beach, Midway City, parts of Westminster, Fountain Valley, parts of Santa Ana, Costa Mesa, Newport Beach, Aliso Viejo, Laguna Beach, and Laguna Niguel.

Rohrabacher loves to play up the surf angle. One of us!

But really he’s just one of those old dorks who’s surfed for decades but still manages to totally suck.

You know the type. Orange County is full of them. It’s why he keeps getting re-elected.

Rohrabacher supported Prop 8 which banned gay marriage in California, doesn’t believe that global warming is real, got caught taking a bribe in 2005, voted for the war in Iraq, probably makes racist jokes when the room’s totally white, and

is a staunch supporter of Donald Trump.

Orange County Congressman Dana Rohrabacher delivered a scathing rebuke of House Speaker Paul Ryan and other Republicans backing away from Donald Trump, saying this morning that the current conflict arising from Trump’s “hot mic” statement will actually help the GOP nominee get elected.

 Rohrabacher called Ryan “cowardly” for saying that he would no longer defend Trump, instead focusing his campaign work on helping Republican House candidates.

 Leaders are supposed to stand firm and solid in moments of crisis,” the Costa Mesa Republican told the Register. “Instead, he’s in a panic. It’s not good leadership. … I think the Republicans who are backing away are gutless. We don’t have to just be concerned about saving House seats. We have to be concerned about saving the United States of America.”

I don’t really no what else to say, except that I know I take shots at Orange County often. I believe I’ve called it a “hellish honky shithole.” If I haven’t, I am now.

Shit like this is why.

Revealed: Donald Trump Endorses WSL?

Mariano Landa

by Mariano Landa

Come revel in the Trump Hyuga Pro 1000, Japan!

Yesterday’s second American presidential election debate took place in the very very very center of ‘Merica, just 13 hours up Interstate 44 from God’s great gift in Austin, Texas .

And it was a slugfest full of unpleasantries, rife with speculation about everything from sexual assault to how your grandma doesn’t know how to use email encryption, topped off with a smattering of wry backhanded compliments that one would have thought were copyrighted after the publication of Welcome to Paradise, Now go to Hell! (Buy here!)

The debate was toned by the release of some archival footage of Donald Trump last Friday, after which every brand of mainstream politician immediately dumped Trump for his recorded tour bus remarks about caressing lady nether parts, made in jest to the elfish nephew/cousin of a couple of former American presidents.

But locker room banter aside, you know who didn’t dump Trump? Your one and only World Surf League, who just ran the TRUMP Hyuga Pro 1000 in Japan, won by household names Shun Murakami and Tony Silvagni!

Oh, wait? What?

Donnie didn’t have nothing to do with the Trump Hyuga Pro comp? Seriously?

Trump is actually the unfortunate name of a Japanese wetsuit company that sponsors that basket of deplorables known as professional longboarders? Including one whom an upstanding member of our illustrious comments section has suggested might be the world’s ugliest surfer?

Do you think the brand is at least considering a name change like ASAP?

Or will they get sued into a rebrand, bog down in endless litigation, and lose their grip on the booming professional longboard market?

Or will they just send the Republican nominee a care package of coozies and tablet cases with their stars and stripes logo?

Has Dave Prodan had to field endless questions from Anderson Cooper about WSL endorsement of ‘Merica’s most controversial pussy-grabber?

Oh, shit, they have a logo of a kangaroo on a Harley? Nevermind, I’m sold.

Accused: “Clickbait and online bullying!”

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Oh the tyranny of Facebook!

Yesterday afternoon I was poking around and thinking about some stuff. Like why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? And why do stars fall down from the sky every time you walk by? And who is the ugliest man to ever be crowned surf champ?

I posted my musings and was undecided. John John ain’t the handsomest man ever, and especially not when stacked up against Kelly Slater (dreams-ville), Shaun Tomson (hubba hubba) or Andy Irons (mmmmmmm) but probably not the ugliest if he grabs the crown this December.

Maybe Barton Lynch?

Or Mark Richards?

Oh how our Facebook followers revolted! Leaving our little community in droves but not before screaming various insults over proud, and straight, shoulders:

Rickey Lopez: Some parts of Surfing is getting way out of control . When you have to even think about stupid shit like this you might as well get a little pilot on TV and joind the rest of the bafoons.Shame on you for even bring this kind crap into sufring. You can bet your ass that any 30 40 50 yrs surfers. Look at your post Im sorry I did. Punk reporting …..

Matthew Muñoz: What kind of man writes an article critiquing the looks of another man

Jules Revelle: A cunt (and later) Are u fucking serious [email protected] bunch of cunts

Milton Brown: Clickbait and online bullying in one – no class – just insults. MR is a legend.

When I read their postings I, initially, placed a limp wristed hand over my heart, cocked my head just so with mouth agape and breathed, “Moi? A cyberbully?” Shocked at the slings and arrows.

But then became very defiant. Head raised high! An banner of inclusivity fluttering overhead!

Facebook has become a land filled with hypocritical, self-congratulatory back patting. This is not news nor interesting. But it made me think of all the ugly people in the world and the small little boxes they get put into.

Oh not by BeachGrit. We are an open door! Everyone is invited! The fluttering banner of inclusivity!

The ugly people get put into small little boxes by the smug crusaders who want to force them underground, neither seen nor spoken of.

But they are amongst us, you smug crusaders, you priggish zealots, and they are toiling under the heavy burdens that you place upon them. Moreover, very many are succeeding wildly.

Ugly and surf champion, you see, are not mutually exclusive categories. A man can be both. And concurrently in the same way that a man can be ugly and President of United States of America. The great Abe Lincoln spoke often of his homeliness, admitting to being “…the ugliest man in Illinois.”

Or ugly and a wildly successful comedian. The great Rodney Dangerfield said, “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted a second opinion so he said, ‘Ok. You’re ugly too.'”

Or ugly and a fabulous musician. The great Johnny Rotten of The Sex Pistols fame proclaimed, “You’re made to feel ugly, and I made ugly beautiful. Just by sheer persistence.”

Yes, a man can be ugly and a surf champion! And this gives me great hope. This is the world where I am proud to live.

 

WSL: Grab them by the___________!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Does anyone have more fun than our favorite commentary team? I think no!

……Funny bone! What did you think I was going to write?

And have you ever seen a picture of three boys having more fun. Here we have, from left to right, Martin “Pottz” Potter, Ross Williams and Ronn “Dog” Blakey. The man taking the picture, I’ve been told, is Pete “The Condom” Mel but I can’t find it anywhere on his social media feeds. No matter though let’s just assume it is.

Your World Surf League commentary team (minus Rosy, Joe and Raspberry)!

And it is wonderful!

I have no idea what these guys are kidding about but this unmitigated joy puts a smile right on my face. Doesn’t it yours? If you say, “No.” Then you are an unredeemable crusty old bastard. You are incapable of feeling and should think long and hard about taking a spiritual retreat.

Pure joy!

And I love them for it. Oh sure sure sure I wish they would bring this playfulness into the booth. This very funny dance but, for now, to know that this is what goes on once Samsung clicks “off” on the webcast is enough.

They are not mere contest robots mumbling about “little jams off the top” and “needing the score.” They are great buddies quaffing the liquid gold of perpetual youth.

Pure pure joy.