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Revealed: Donald Trump Endorses WSL?

Mariano Landa

by Mariano Landa

Come revel in the Trump Hyuga Pro 1000, Japan!

Yesterday’s second American presidential election debate took place in the very very very center of ‘Merica, just 13 hours up Interstate 44 from God’s great gift in Austin, Texas .

And it was a slugfest full of unpleasantries, rife with speculation about everything from sexual assault to how your grandma doesn’t know how to use email encryption, topped off with a smattering of wry backhanded compliments that one would have thought were copyrighted after the publication of Welcome to Paradise, Now go to Hell! (Buy here!)

The debate was toned by the release of some archival footage of Donald Trump last Friday, after which every brand of mainstream politician immediately dumped Trump for his recorded tour bus remarks about caressing lady nether parts, made in jest to the elfish nephew/cousin of a couple of former American presidents.

But locker room banter aside, you know who didn’t dump Trump? Your one and only World Surf League, who just ran the TRUMP Hyuga Pro 1000 in Japan, won by household names Shun Murakami and Tony Silvagni!

Oh, wait? What?

Donnie didn’t have nothing to do with the Trump Hyuga Pro comp? Seriously?

Trump is actually the unfortunate name of a Japanese wetsuit company that sponsors that basket of deplorables known as professional longboarders? Including one whom an upstanding member of our illustrious comments section has suggested might be the world’s ugliest surfer?

Do you think the brand is at least considering a name change like ASAP?

Or will they get sued into a rebrand, bog down in endless litigation, and lose their grip on the booming professional longboard market?

Or will they just send the Republican nominee a care package of coozies and tablet cases with their stars and stripes logo?

Has Dave Prodan had to field endless questions from Anderson Cooper about WSL endorsement of ‘Merica’s most controversial pussy-grabber?

Oh, shit, they have a logo of a kangaroo on a Harley? Nevermind, I’m sold.

Accused: “Clickbait and online bullying!”

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Oh the tyranny of Facebook!

Yesterday afternoon I was poking around and thinking about some stuff. Like why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? And why do stars fall down from the sky every time you walk by? And who is the ugliest man to ever be crowned surf champ?

I posted my musings and was undecided. John John ain’t the handsomest man ever, and especially not when stacked up against Kelly Slater (dreams-ville), Shaun Tomson (hubba hubba) or Andy Irons (mmmmmmm) but probably not the ugliest if he grabs the crown this December.

Maybe Barton Lynch?

Or Mark Richards?

Oh how our Facebook followers revolted! Leaving our little community in droves but not before screaming various insults over proud, and straight, shoulders:

Rickey Lopez: Some parts of Surfing is getting way out of control . When you have to even think about stupid shit like this you might as well get a little pilot on TV and joind the rest of the bafoons.Shame on you for even bring this kind crap into sufring. You can bet your ass that any 30 40 50 yrs surfers. Look at your post Im sorry I did. Punk reporting …..

Matthew Muñoz: What kind of man writes an article critiquing the looks of another man

Jules Revelle: A cunt (and later) Are u fucking serious [email protected] bunch of cunts

Milton Brown: Clickbait and online bullying in one – no class – just insults. MR is a legend.

When I read their postings I, initially, placed a limp wristed hand over my heart, cocked my head just so with mouth agape and breathed, “Moi? A cyberbully?” Shocked at the slings and arrows.

But then became very defiant. Head raised high! An banner of inclusivity fluttering overhead!

Facebook has become a land filled with hypocritical, self-congratulatory back patting. This is not news nor interesting. But it made me think of all the ugly people in the world and the small little boxes they get put into.

Oh not by BeachGrit. We are an open door! Everyone is invited! The fluttering banner of inclusivity!

The ugly people get put into small little boxes by the smug crusaders who want to force them underground, neither seen nor spoken of.

But they are amongst us, you smug crusaders, you priggish zealots, and they are toiling under the heavy burdens that you place upon them. Moreover, very many are succeeding wildly.

Ugly and surf champion, you see, are not mutually exclusive categories. A man can be both. And concurrently in the same way that a man can be ugly and President of United States of America. The great Abe Lincoln spoke often of his homeliness, admitting to being “…the ugliest man in Illinois.”

Or ugly and a wildly successful comedian. The great Rodney Dangerfield said, “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted a second opinion so he said, ‘Ok. You’re ugly too.'”

Or ugly and a fabulous musician. The great Johnny Rotten of The Sex Pistols fame proclaimed, “You’re made to feel ugly, and I made ugly beautiful. Just by sheer persistence.”

Yes, a man can be ugly and a surf champion! And this gives me great hope. This is the world where I am proud to live.

 

WSL: Grab them by the___________!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Does anyone have more fun than our favorite commentary team? I think no!

……Funny bone! What did you think I was going to write?

And have you ever seen a picture of three boys having more fun. Here we have, from left to right, Martin “Pottz” Potter, Ross Williams and Ronn “Dog” Blakey. The man taking the picture, I’ve been told, is Pete “The Condom” Mel but I can’t find it anywhere on his social media feeds. No matter though let’s just assume it is.

Your World Surf League commentary team (minus Rosy, Joe and Raspberry)!

And it is wonderful!

I have no idea what these guys are kidding about but this unmitigated joy puts a smile right on my face. Doesn’t it yours? If you say, “No.” Then you are an unredeemable crusty old bastard. You are incapable of feeling and should think long and hard about taking a spiritual retreat.

Pure joy!

And I love them for it. Oh sure sure sure I wish they would bring this playfulness into the booth. This very funny dance but, for now, to know that this is what goes on once Samsung clicks “off” on the webcast is enough.

They are not mere contest robots mumbling about “little jams off the top” and “needing the score.” They are great buddies quaffing the liquid gold of perpetual youth.

Pure pure joy.

Wow: 5 Deadly Waves You Can Surf!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Like, without dying!

Almost twelve years ago, my then business partner and I walked into a Yamaha dealer with the idea of leasing a jetski. Tow-in surfing was all the rage back then, in small and in big waves. We’d started a surfing magazine and figured we could write off the leasing costs as a business expense.

A lucrative deal with the surfing company Billabong, then worth half a billion dollars, meant we had two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in the bank.

We figured, why not live a little?

A man in potato sack trousers and a spinnaker shirt that billowed in the autumn offshore breeze pulled out a sheaf of documents we’d have to sign to get our bike. All that work for a twenty-grand buy? Studs don’t do no paperwork.

I pulled out the company credit card and within thirty minutes we’d affixed the trailer to my old four-wheel-drive and were heading to the beach.

We used that ski everywhere. When it was one-foot, when it was ten-foot, we banged it into rocks, my partner once rode it up onto a boat ramp prematurely beaching it on top of a giant boulder, we tipped it over, ran over people, ran over ourselves. Hell of a good time.

And what it showed, at least to someone like me who isn’t the most courageous surfer in the world, unlike my pal who’d eat a 10-foot day at Cape Solander before breakfast, was that deadly waves can be surfed. That you even a borderline kook can survive and maybe even get a photo for perpetuity.

Two caveats here. You gotta be able to swim. And you gotta have access to a ski.

But no more ado. Here are five deadly waves you can surf.

1. Ours aka Cape Solander, Australia: If you can stand upright on your board for a minimum of four seconds, you can survive a session at Ours. As you know and have seen, it’s a dramatic rock shelf and therefore wipeouts can be unpretty if you fall early. But… but… with a sturdy stance you can survive the few seconds before the arrive at the radically deep channel, where not a damn thing can touch you.

2. Teahupoo, Tahiti: An old pal of mine works for Red Bull. Went on holiday to Tahiti with his family one year. Because he’s high on the hierarchal ladder at the company, people want to do nice things for him. Local Tahitian stud says he’ll tow him at six-to-eight-foot Teahupoo, something you wouldn’t wanna touch usually. This pal, more a snow guy than a waterman, was impeccably whipped into a dozen stand-up tubes, his hair untouched by the Pacific.

3. Belharra, France: Do you remember when the board paddler turned big-waver Jamie Mitchell paddled into a fifty-foot wave here, and fell from the heavens? What a ruthless wave this wave, a couple of clicks from Saint-Jean-de-Luz in France’s south-west corner can be. Ruthless to paddle. Amusing to tow. You want a photo for the wall of you on a thirty-foot wave? Get a whip here. Get your photo, steer for the channel.

4. Pico Alto, Peru: A very old school burger perfect for studs on 10-foot afro-fauna chasers. Tow equipped? Easiest wave in the world.

5. Nazaré, Portugal: What the hell. Why not go big? This’ll take you to the edge, but maybe not over it. You’ve seen the big-wave tow-kooks from the most unlikely countries bouncing down three-hundred-foot waves. It could be you!

Question: Who is the ugliest world champ?

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

John John is knocking at the door of greatness! A perfect moment to pause and ask...

So I’m looking at John John Florence here, your Jeep Leaderboard Leader, and wondering who is the ugliest surf champ in history? Like ever? And I’m not saying it IS John John but I’m also not saying it IS NOT (because he’s not a world champion yet but also, when the sun is shining a particular way he is………..ok).

Right?

We’ve had Kelly forever and he is a certified male model. Andy Irons was as handsome as Adonis. Mick Fanning is Adolf Hitler’s dream man and Joel Parkinson is too (if he dyed his remaining hairs blonde).

Gabi Medina, no matter what your racist heart says, is traditionally handsome and Adriano de Souza, while pug-like, is… ummmmm… serviceable? The Little Plumber? Looks aren’t his high water mark but also not his total undoing.

C.J. Hobgood is an all-American.

Sunny Garcia may be most handsome ever (except for Kelly Slater).

Derek Ho is basically carved from granite.

Tom Carroll is two feel tall but good looking, as evidenced by his brother Nick.

Shaun Tomson even puts Kelly to shame.

Barton Lynch? Is he the last ugly world champ (besides kind of Adriano)?

Mark Richards? Yeah. He was a surf star but ugly.

But the ugliest? Let’s wait for this season to end!