Poopies
Poopies spent some time as an amateur gigolo during his early days on the North Shore. Banging a lady they called Auntie Gnar Gnar in exchange for access to her car. I've always been surprised that doesn't happen more often. The area gets flooded with attractive, and broke, young men every year. A sufficiently predatory lady would have no problem keeping herself packed to the gills with trim young pecker.

Poopies: “I was a North Shore gigolo!”

Rory Parker reports from the set of Who is JOB at Pipe!

Day two of the Pipe waiting period broke to another stretch of overcast skies and light drizzle. The steady but barely noticeable rain backed off around mid-day. Not necessarily a good thing. General moistness, lacking wind, is a recipe for muggy sweaty days. You can take a dip to cool off, but nothing really dries. Damp towels, wet boardshorts. It’s not very comfortable.

But the surf was fun! Not competition worthy, but nearly there. Holding off was a very good call. Great job Mr Perrow! Yes, the guys out at Pipe(ish) were killing it. Blasting fins, burying rails, putting on a killer show. But it wasn’t barrelling, and that’s what we want to see.

Not that it’d really make a difference if the Pipe Invitational were run in small surf. Nothing on the heat sheet barrel slayers. Maybe might hand ’em an advantage. Put through the better contest surfers. Set us up for some spoiler heats. Everyone loves those.

But that’s just conjecture.

I started my day with a great little session at another tucked away piece of reef. So many semi-secret spots on the North Shore. Yeah, the Haleiwa to V-land stretch is all the rage, but if you know what you’re doing you can find solitude. Shallow solitude, but you’ve gotta pay to play and it’s worth donating a piece of yourself to the reef if it means you don’t need to paddle battle with the mix of Town clowns and tourists that poke their heads out whenever it’s less than intimidating.

People watching at Ehukai is always a grand time. Monkeys at the zoo. I don’t know what goes on in other peoples’ heads. I can barely understand what goes on in mine. Older gent doing his crossword puzzle was not enjoying my cigarette. Complaining within ear shot, careful not to make eye contact. “Cough cough cough.” It’s the end of the world!

A grown man fighting with his mother. “Mom! No one else wants to leave! If you want to make a scene we’ll make a fucking scene!”

Middle aged fellow with a brand new Arakawa gun, double leash plugs and all, extreme stretching on the water’s edge before splay leg paddling into chest high peaks.

And the women! Oh, the women! Tan and supple and gorgeous. Pretending to take a dip, squatting in waist-deep water for a minute. Getting back out with hair still dry.

We all know you’re peeing, honey. And while I’m not really into that, for you I’d give it a shot.

At around 2:30 I got a message from Derek. He’d lined up JOB for an interview at 4:30. Meet him at Pipe. Can do!

Too bad I left my recording gear back in Waialua. Jam back quick, grab my shit, battle my way east through turtle traffic. Arrived just in time, found him setting up on the berm, planning a post sunset sesh with Lume Cubes stuck to his board.

I told him he was responsible for everyone riding boogieboards again, now he’s gonna ruin night surfing too.

I like Jamie O’Brien. Truly. Tons of people like to talk shit online about the guy, but hes on a fun trip. Doing his gig, making some money. Not hurting anyone. And he’s always a good interview. Or almost always.

To be fair, it’s awkward talking about yourself when you’re surrounded by people, in the middle of doing something. It’s important to establish a rapport before an interview. Make some chit chat, make them comfortable. Nearly impossible when their attention is divided.

Also, I really wasn’t prepared. Couldn’t be, in the short time I had. Jamie wasn’t engaged. Probably my fault. Definitely my fault. When the questions are along the lines of:

If someone put a gun to your head and said they’d pull the trigger if you didn’t fuck an animal, what animal would you fuck?

…you’re gonna get a “no comment.” Unless the subject is either drunk or comfortable. Jamie was neither.

I did learn a few interesting things. He’s in the process of making the pilot for a longer form of Who is JOB. Bigger budget, trying to get on TV. I’m on board with that.

I pitched him an idea for the new season. He didn’t seem to like it.

He was once in talks with picking up a Wavestorm sponsorship. They offered him a single free board. So he ended up on Catch Surf.

He has a girlfriend of two years, which explains his reticence when it came to exploring his sex life.

He eventually foisted me off on Poopies. I have a hard time calling a grown man “Poopies.” I’m not a friend, not in on the joke. It seems disrespectful.

Guess not, though. I had a very pleasant chat with Mr Poops. He’s much more intelligent then you’d expect. Kind of a weirdo, in a pleasant makes-the-world-better-by-existing way. Seemed pretty stoked on life, bouncing back and forth between San Diego and Oahu. Earning enough to enjoy life outside the struggle.

Poopies was far more receptive to my questions. He’d fuck a cat, maybe a fish. He also seemed interested in my pitch. The general idea is hidden camera hitchhiker pickup. He’s a semi-famous guy, enough to get recognized by traveling teens he’d pick up.

Get them in, lock the doors. Start getting weird.

“What’s up guys? You wanna get sucked or fucked?”

Poopies spent some time as an amateur gigolo during his early days on the North Shore. Banging a lady they called Auntie Gnar Gnar in exchange for access to her car. I’ve always been surprised that doesn’t happen more often. The area gets flooded with attractive, and broke, young men every year. A sufficiently predatory lady would have no problem keeping herself packed to the gills with trim young pecker.

He should build a stable, I told him. Find the transplant kids whose North Shore dream has turned into a tropical nightmare. Turn them out, earn a buck.

We talked about his involvement, or lack thereof, in the planning of Who is JOB. He just does what he’s told. Isn’t able to put himself in harm’s way willingly. Needs the push, the peer pressure.

Surprisingly, his worst experience filming was riding a waterwheel at Pipe.

“Ask him about his Tinder chick,” Jamie told me. “She was hefty.”

“She was not,” Poopies protested. He made her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then fucked her in the backseat of her rental car in the parking lot of the Waimea heiau.

I promised I’d mention the t-shirts he’s selling. Poopies for President! You can buy ’em at the Surfride store.

As a whole it worked well. Jamie’s reticence followed by Poopies’s openness. Would have made an excellent podcast. Only problem, it turns out recording beachfront at Pipe is a terrible idea. My brand new, kind of expensive, directional mic picked up almost nothing but the roar of the surf. Garbled words, totally unintelligible.

But it’d be a few hours before I’d learn how badly I fucked up. I left the beach in a great mood, headed to Haleiwa for some sun down drinks at Breakers.

Wasn’t aware it was the night of the Haleiwa Christmas parade. God damn, how I hate that thing. Fucked with my scene every year I live in Haleiwa. Never learned to anticipate it. Ended up trapped on the Town side of Haleiwa, headed up Kam toward the Dole Plantation. Long way out of my way before I could cut over to Wilikina and make my way back to where I’m staying.

So I said ‘fuck it’ drove to Walmart, and bought a burner flip phone. Make my life a little easier for the next two weeks. Gonna toss the thing in the garbage the moment I’m back on Kauai.


The Inertia: “Dane silly and immature!”

Zach Weisberg, The Inertia's spiritual head, lashes back!

I almost can’t take it! Tears are streaming down my cheeks making it difficult to type and so I won’t. I’ll just let our father who art Venice-adjacent type for me! Did you see Zach Weisberg, The Inertia’s founder and spiritual guide, wrote a response to Dane Reynolds in the wee hours? Did you read it in all of its paternal glory?

Oh it is paternally glorious!

If you have been spending the last few days in a cave let me catch you up. The Inertia called Dane Reynolds “Hypocritical as fuck.” Dane responded by telling The Inertia that it sux.

Now get ready for part three! And if you like heaping doses of paternalism mixed with dismissiveness ladled with passive-aggression and served warm with the emotional seasoning of a college campus safe space then this will be your favorite part of all!

Let’s read the best bits from the IKEA desk of Zach Weisberg!

So if Dane really never wants to work with us again, then that’s a bummer. It’s a silly and immature way to handle a pretty reasonable set of criticisms sandwiched between a handful of inflammatory phrases, but that’s totally his right. I respect that.

If Dane wants to write The Inertia off altogether because we support and enable people to share their opinions, that’s his prerogative.

We appreciate your response, Dane. Even if it is a handful of middle fingers. We appreciate that you shared some intimate thoughts around having anxiety in your film. That was definitely a service for folks who can relate. We like how you surf. We know it sucks to get negative feedback on something you care about (we can relate), but sometimes, when interpreted constructively, it can be really productive. Hopefully, one day in the future when feelings calm a bit, we can occasionally exchange silly emails again. Maybe even produce something raw that leaves us vulnerable to criticism together. But if not, that’s okay, too.

I’m rolling on the floor! Can’t… stop… laughing! My stomach hurts! I’m choking! I can’t breathe! Someone call 911!

And real quick Zach, if you maybe really want to know why Dane got mad then it is probably because the offending review wasn’t criticizing his film. It was criticizing the man himself, calling him a hypocrite in the harshest possible terms.

But carry on! Please! It’s gold!

(Read Zach’s entire response here! It’ll go down in history as the pièce de résistance of the paternalism mixed with dismissiveness ladled with passive-aggression and served warm with the emotional seasoning of a college campus safe space genre!)


Dane Reynolds: “The Inertia sux!”

A wonderful response from everyone's favorite surfer!

Dane Reynolds just took to Instagram and wrote poetry. Poetry! I don’t want to taint so without further ado… ladies and gentlemen, I present Dane Reynolds.

ok so with the release of Ch11 two weeks in the past, i wanted to thank everyone for the overwhelmingly positive response,,,, surprisingly /////////// like i said i was so close to it i really couldn’t tell if i’d made the biggest pile of shit known to man or something great,,,, i feel like the majority dug the surfing, music, etc, but i sense some discomfort that they now know so much about me 😂

but, there were some who loved it, found it relatable, resonated with it… this makes me proud, this is why i made it, and i appreciate everyone who has come up to me and shared their stories, it makes me stoked to connect with those of you, who got it, plugged in, took something away.

then, some were repulsed. ’how could you complain about making money off surfing.’ message missed entirely. but whatever, if everyone got it there’d be something wrong, i believe i told my story, from a neutral stance, sure there’s irony, but that’s what i think made it worth telling…

and a big salute 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼to @theinertia for publishing the silliest most ill informed misinterpretation of a review. your review left me seething. whether the film was good or not, what you got out of it was completely skewed,,,, of course everyone is entitled to their opinion, and so, in my opinion your review sucked, your site sux, and i’m relieved to never respond to your silly emails again.

Wait. What was that?

and a big salute 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼to @theinertia for publishing the silliest most ill informed misinterpretation of a review. your review left me seething. whether the film was good or not, what you got out of it was completely skewed,,,, of course everyone is entitled to their opinion, and so, in my opinion your review sucked, your site sux, and i’m relieved to never respond to your silly emails again.

Wait. What?

in my opinion your review sucked, your site sux, and i’m relieved to never respond to your silly emails again.

Wait. One more time?

🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

Ok. I think I got it. As you were.


Rory Parker North Shore

Parker: “Day One on the North Shore!”

Small waves. Cute hitchhikers… 

I left Kauai under cloudy skies. The thirty-minute flight to Oahu didn’t improve things.

Always my favorite type of weather when I lived on the Gathering Place. Cloudy, steady drizzle, still pleasantly warm. It keeps the lesser element indoors. Tourists gathered around television sets in their hotel rooms. Only the hardiest venture out.

“I’ve been saving for years to take this trip. Rain be damned, we’re going to the fucking beach!”

But nothing stops the turtle traffic. Lolly-gagger halfwits cruising down Kam at five miles per hour. “Didja see the turtle, Sue? Wasn’t it big? Ya’ know, the Hawaiians call ’em hoh- news.”

Things don’t heat up until swell starts hammering in out of the North. When you can smell the salt in the air, feel the energy in your bones. When the sky is cloaked in a blanket of ocean spray.

Enough of that for a lifetime.

Not much swell, no way the Pipe trials are running yet. Not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow. Putting me at loose ends. Gotta find something to justify this trip.  Drinking myself into a stupor ain’t gonna cut it. We need zazz, zing! Gotta get those clicks and keep ’em coming.

Fuck me if I know how. Hawaii is, by nature, pretty sedate when there’s barely an swell in the water. Things don’t heat up until swell starts hammering in out of the North. When you can smell the salt in the air, feel the energy in your bones. When the sky is cloaked in a blanket of ocean spray.

But that ain’t today.

Making calls, sending emails, dropping in on old friends. Not as many out here as there once was. Everybody leaves. I did. As grand as Oahu may be, and it truly is a magnificent place, it ain’t hardly the best in the world.

If you want solitude you can find it other places. If you need money that’s doubly true.  Takes a ton of commitment to settle down on the Seven Mile Miracle and never leave.  I lack the fortitude.

But the surf is still fun. No heart-in-your-throat excitement, but plenty good times to be had. Took a drive down to Foodland yesterday. Checked the surf along the way.  Picked up two cute hitchikers out front of Malama Market.

“Now I know where you’re staying.”

Not a funny joke. At least, they didn’t think so.


Video: Malia Ward’s cute face dance!

It's better than Kelly's wave pool!

I regularly tell anyone who’ll listen, “If we could send but 10 BeachGrit commentators to Washington D.C. this damned country would be fixed up in no time!”  I sometimes tell anyone who’ll listen, “If we could send but 100 BeachGrit commentators to Jerusalem there’d certainly be peace in the Middle East!” I never tell anyone who’ll listen, “If we could send, like, 1000 BeachGrit commentators to Colombia, cocaine production would soon be eradicated and drug abuse would disappear as a societal blight.”

In any case, one BeachGrit commentator, Cmon Now, posted the below video of Malia Ward underneath an admittedly pedestrian story about Kelly’s wave pool with this helpful addition: “(Nothing to do with this story, but I’m bored with Kellyburg.)”

You may remember Malia Ward from pushing Gabi off a wave.

Or from starring in a strange Stab production alongside her mother.

Cmon Now’s video is a happy addition to her work. Watch and enjoy! It is much better than the Kelly story!