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Breaking: Coffey sister changes name!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

A bombshell explodes in the surf world!

Eight-ish months ago I wrote about the a time, three-ish years ago, when I traveled to Hossegor, France to call the Swatch Pro alongside Paul Evans, Brodie Carr and a host of wonderful friends. The surf was zero but the talent was impressive.

Two of the four Coffey sisters were there and both surfed well. Holly-Sue and Ellie-Jean. Their dad was also there half coaching half managing impressive social media accounts. I saw him telling one of them, hopefully the older of the two, to get more sexy for the cam, like to fluff up her cans or something, which was strange but also sensible.

He had longer hair and wore leather. Paul and I made many jokes but I still can’t remember any. I spoke with him, anyhow, and he seemed alright. There had been some tragedy and he had packed his entire family up and traveled Australia in a van just surfing and Instagramming.

And I have been avidly following the family’s fortunes ever since (whenever they pop up in my “surf news” feed usually as part of the Daily Mail).

Today, as the Australian Open of Surfing gets set to fire, the girls are in the Daily Mail talking about being the Kardashians again. Shall we read? Duh!

They’ve been dubbed the ‘Kardashians of the surf world’ and two Australian sisters taking Instagram by storm, don’t seem surprised.

Ellie-Jean Coffey, 22, and her 17-year-old sister Holly-Daze boast more than one million Instagram followers who eagerly follow their profiles packed with surfing shots, gorgeous beaches and a rainbow of beautiful bikinis.

Now the sisters, who are wildcards at the Australian Open of Surfing in Sydney this week, have opened up about their Kardashian comparison saying they are ‘absolutely fans’ of Kim.

‘We obviously can see why we’re compared, because of the whole family unit,’ Ellie-Jean, 22, told Sunrise on Monday. ‘But, obviously we’re talented – and not fabulously wealthy,’ she laughed.

AND STOP THE PRESSES! STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESSES!

Holly-Sue is now Holly-Daze? When did this happen? How did I miss it? How was this not top top top of my “surf news” feed?

Did Stab beat me to the punch on this one? Did they wrap their site in Holly-Daze for a week?

Did The Inertia? Did they run the story: 9 Reasons Why Holly-Sue is Happier and More Fulfilled as Holly-Daze and utilize their relationship with the Huffington Post to really belt it out of the park?

Did the great Sweet Lew Samuels revive PostSurf for one day only in order to bring this stunning turn to you?

SHIT!

I’m sorry but I’m also here now.

Holly-Daze. Does she want it pronounced like “Holidays?”

News: Slater “brainwashed” you!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Greatest-ever turns surfers from drug and sex fiends into Gaia-worshipping hypocrites!

Don’t we exist in a golden age of opinion? With a few  clicks and swipes we announce ourselves on our little social forums as experts on everything from the political machinations of foreign countries to breakthrough medical cures (cannabis oil) to the technical and tactical mistakes of our favourite surfers.

All that hoopla re: Kelly and the sharks? Oowee. None of us know shit.

Kelly was fool enough to open a debate on the bedevilled subject in an attempt to share information and got showered in insults.

In the Slater era, surfing has transformed from a sybaritic subculture to a pastime pursued by way too many brainwashed Gaia-worshippers who liberally accuse others of hypocrisy between loading their toxic surfboards onto planes and flying to remote tropical destinations, where their western habits are quickly in conflict with the supposedly natural attractions.

Now, as Fred Pawle posits in The Australian, Kelly has brainwashed us all.

Fred writes, “Ever since he burst onto the scene in 1990, aged 18, Slater has been the thinking person’s surfer. When he became the subject of the most frenzied sponsorship battle in surfing history, he chose to go back to finish high school in Florida.

“A lot of guys that start to make money think that they don’t need anything else,” he said at the time. “I don’t look at it that way. High school isn’t a hard thing to do. It keeps your mind in gear.”

This, at a time when the pro tour was a teenage hedonist’s paradise of women, drugs, money and waves. Slater eschewed all that, and single-handedly raised surfing out of its prolonged juvenile delinquency.

But his influence might have been too strong, even for him. In the Slater era, surfing has transformed from a sybaritic subculture to a pastime pursued by way too many brainwashed Gaia-worshippers who liberally accuse others of hypocrisy between loading their toxic surfboards onto planes and flying to remote tropical destinations, where their western habits are quickly in conflict with the supposedly natural attractions.

Slater’s high-school diploma could never have prepared him for the phenomenon of millions of surfers becoming enamoured by the very creatures that would eat them, and spewing vitriol at even fellow surfers for daring to espouse a different opinion. It’s as if some surfers have forgotten their own contribution to the collective happiness of mankind, or how lucky they are to be surfers at all.

Slater himself has often been the figurehead for all this misanthropy and self-flagellation. He even once endorsed Sea Shepherd, the radical group that more than any other backs the preservation of sharks, at the expense of surfers’ limbs and lives.”

Have you been brainwashed by Kelly? Do you hear a humming sound when he appears on television or your computer screen? Proof!

You can click here to read the front and tail of this story but it’s hiding behind a paywall…

POV: Slater Goes Loony in the Tub!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

One look into those green eyes will mesmerize the soul...

As far as I know, this is the first POV vision released from Kelly’s pool. After such a rough week for the King, it makes sense for him to lighten the mood by releasing such a mesmerizing clip. Some might call it a coping mechanism, but Kelly calls it shark-free fun!

The internal view of this wave, when paired with Kelly’s lackadaisical approach, reaffirms the absolute flawlessness of their design. The lipline is so clean and without blemish that Slater is able to about-face multiple times per ride without fear of reprisal. Dare I say it almost looks… too easy? Like, maybe not even that fun?

However this is probably a stupid thing to say because getting barreled is always fun and as Kanoa Igarashi once told Surfing Magazine, “Honestly, before coming here, I was never really that stoked on wave pools. I really appreciate the unpredictability of the ocean. So I was excited heading to Kelly’s wavepool, but I figured I would get over it after the third wave. But then I was getting barrels where I was freaking out, literally screaming every time, it felt like I was scoring perfect Kirra.”

So this begs the question, when the hell is Beach Grit gonna get an invitation? Oh, never? Yeah that’s probably fair.

Buy: Lisa Andersen in the Journal!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

One of the most beautiful surfers of all time!

I had the great pleasure of profiling Lisa Andersen in the latest Surfer’s Journal. I think she is one of the most beautiful surfers to ever live and not just physically beautiful, though she is that too, but her style. The way she rides waves.

A big Lisa project is in the works right now and you’ll start to see snippets here, soon, but in the meantime take a little taste of hangover food before heading over to the Journal for a wonderful video feature!

“I remember looking up the cab service in the Yellow Pages,” Lisa Andersen is saying while ignoring her shrimp ceviche, “calling and saying, ‘How much does it cost to get to Orlando in a cab from here? One way…”
“…from here…” is Daytona Beach or more speci cally Ormond Beach. A dead-end Florida town most famous for being home of the last living Civil War officer, a carpetbagging damn Yankee who died in 1933. Not famous for surf.

Her shrimp ceviche looks good si ing there in a reddish broth next to a bowl of delicate corn chips. And she is recounting her running away from home, running away from a boozed dad and a scared mom and a two-year stint in juvenile hall at the tender age of 16.

“How much was it?” I ask mid bite of bacon-wrapped hotdog. I am severely hungover and need the doubled pork. She should be scowling at me but understands. Understands that I need a bacon-wrapped hotdog, cheese-drenched refried beans, an al pastor taco and Tijuana street corn just to stay upright.

Because she has been through the wars too.

Subscribe to read more you cheap bastards!

Just In: Puerto Rico To Ban Surfing!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

Uniformed cops may soon evict surfers during PR's dazzling hurricane swells!

You may have heard about Puerto Rico’s fight for, and loss of, the once natural reserve known as Playuela. This swath of land was a haven of ferna, fauna, and a several fun waves. According to local sources, development of this land has already commenced in order to build the Christopher Columbus Landing Resort.

This tourist center will take up 121 acres of the virgin soil, and the hotel plans to erect break-walls to create a sustained beach for its visitors. This practice has infamously ruined many surf breaks across the world, and locals fear it will do the same for Playuela.

But as of today, that’s the least of their worries.

Carlos Mendez, a Puerto Rican politician, has recently presented a law that would stop surfers from entering the water in cases of dangerous weather or waves, as dictated by the National Meteorological Service. The legislative measure would empower uniformed agents to evict surfers from the beaches when they think the weather conditions warrant it.

“When there’s a declaration of emergency due to atmospheric conditions, a lot of people jump into the ocean, putting at risk all the rescue teams, which are precisely for rescue purposes,” said Mendez. “There are people who are skilled at surfing, but they do not realize that they often endanger the people who have to watch over their security.”

Carlos Mendez, a Puerto Rican politician, has recently presented a law that would stop surfers from entering the water in cases of dangerous weather or waves, as dictated by the National Meteorological Service. The legislative measure would empower uniformed agents to evict surfers from the beaches when they think the weather conditions warrant it.

Local surfers were appalled by this proposed measure, citing the lawmakers’ ignorance of the ocean and those who frequent it.

“I understand that this is reasonable for tourists who are bathing on the beach, but for professionals like us, the most important moments of our career depend on these natural phenomena,” said surfer Gaby Escudero. “We always take care of each other in the water. The surfers who are chasing waves those big days are people who know what they are doing. They are not bathers who drown because they suddenly did not touch the bottom or because a current came. We do take risks, but they are calculated.”

Another Puerto Rican professional, Alejandro Moreda, shared Escudero’s sentiment.

“Apparently people who are running and making decisions in Puerto Rico are crazy. They are not taking into consideration that twenty-five percent of tourism in Puerto Rico is made by surfers. If they come now to arrest these people, all it will do is subtract tourism from Puerto Rico,” Moreda explained. “I will not miss the opportunity of getting incredible waves during those storms. We surfers live for that intensity and to catch those waves that our Island produces. And storms and hurricanes produce the best waves.”

Mendez insists that government resources take precedent over surfer’s rights and the Puerto Rican tourism industry. “If there is a statement from the National Meteorological System that a major meteorological system is approaching the country, we must reason with people that by going surfing or looking for waves, they are putting government resources at risk.”

In case you’re wondering what hurricane swells AKA major meteorological systems look like in PR, watch this.