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Revealed: Former’s Debut Collection!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Think tight poom-poom shorts and radically aggressive off-the-shoulder tees!

Were you stymied by Former’s static website too? I clicked around, found a little white-on-white text down the bottom that even after I highlighted ’em and punched on About Us, Shipping and Returns, etc, went nowhere.

So I gave up. It’s coming, I figured.

Former, of course, is the surf clothing brand made those beautiful elves, Dane Reynolds (who tore up a four-hundred-grand-a-month contract to do it), Craig Anderson (who knocked back a million-bucks-a-year deal) and the moustachioed skater Austyn Gillette. Others in the game are the little pro surfer Warren Smith, the photographer Grady Archbold and Monster Children founder-designer Campbell Milligan.

It’s a commune of talent. I want to see what they got.

This morning, the BeachGrit commenter, Extreme Nonchalance, unveiled the URL where the forbidden portal could be entered. A very brief examination of the range, for the shop was soon pulled down and replaced with an Opening Soon landing page, revealed an eighteen-piece collection.

It includes short-sleeved t-shirts (in black, white and coral, priced between thirty and forty-five dollars), one long-sleeved tee (bone, sixty dollars), one shirt (black, one hundred dollars), three pullovers (black, different graphics, sixty-five dollars), two pairs of trunks (one black, one black-and-white patterns, seventy dollars), a Dylan Reider tribute jacket (black, one-hundred-and-fifty dollars), a beanie, a ten-dollar pair of socks and a pack of Former patches that costs eleven dollars.

Craig Anderson former

Craig Anderson and the Luxury 29.99 sweater. I nearly got it through the shop before the page was removed.

The clothes are neither revolutionary nor radically aggressive. It ain’t genius. But who wants to wear tight poom-poom shorts or off-the-shoulder tees?

It should be emphasised that the prices are reasonable, the muted prints don’t offend, and the differing body types of Dane, a classic endomorph, and Craig/Austyn, ectos, suggest a uni-style of fit, neither boxy nor slim.

Formalised sloppiness may be the term.

 

XXX: Dane and co. launch porn site!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Dane Reynolds and pals embark on wildest adventure yet!

As one of the proprietors of a thriving internet business I know a few tricks of this trade. .com means “company” .edu means “educational” .gov means “governmental” and .xxx means “porn.”

And I don’t even have to tell you of my excitement when I stumbled upon Dane Reynolds/Craig Anderson’s newest project.

Former.xxx!

Porn!

I can’t tell yet exactly what kind of porn. Each unique visitor is brought into a dark room with a stark white fingerprint maybe or sunrise. Exploration is expressly forbidden. There are no secret links or ways out or at least none that I’ve found. A sense of foreboding soon replaces general well-being which leads me to believe it’ll be a dominatrix thing. Submissives getting paraded around with rubber balls in mouths etc.

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it is some newer sort of subgenre kaiju.

Do you have any ideas? What would you like to see?

Straddie: “Paddle Or Die!”

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

Would you risk life and limb to ride a quality A-frame?

“Fuck the taxi” reads Stradbroke Island’s most cherished drainpipe.

This is the local surfers’ response to overcrowding at the Gold Coast’s premier beachie, South Strad, a wave that breaks on the wrong side of a three-hundred meter channel. In order to surf the spot, riders are forced to cross the supposedly shark-infested (Derek don’t believe it) inlet by way of paddling or, in the case of bein’ a lil’ bitch-ass, paying some guy five bucks for a taxi across the pond.

This taxi debate has been simmering since the mid-nineties, but a recent influx of swell and crowds sent Straddie “locals” into a boiling rage, leading to a series of offensive slurs graffitied upon the Straddie sand-spitter. They read:

Taxi = dog act
Fuck off taxi cunt!
Respect is earned not given
Paddle or die
Fuck off Brazilian snakes!

…Aussies are always good for a little profanity and subtle racism.

During my four month stint on the Gold Coast, I managed to survive the paddle on a handful of occasions. I never took the boat, partly because Aussie money is fucked (what kind of lunatics walk around with coins in their pockets?) but mostly because my local friends were ascribed to this hardcore mentality. To paddle across the channel proves your devotion and courage, while taxigoers might as well stitch a big, pink ‘P’ right over their Billabong wetsuit logo.

Unless of course you’re a Mad Huey or one of the other twenty locals who docks a boat/ski just offshore. That shit is encouraged. It’s those damn immigrants with their economical, more environmental friendly ride-shares who are stealing all the stoke.

But while I disagree with the locals’ logic, I do understand their contempt. The Goldy is perhaps the most crowded surf zone in the world, and Straddie was one of their last hidden gems. Since its creation in 1986, the Southport Seaway has acted as a final line of defense — a moat, really — for this once-uncrowded break.

The taxi negates the Seaway’s effects by providing a shark-free, current-defying (the rip gets damn fierce) access point to an extremely desirable locale, perhaps inflating its daily visitor-count by a significant amount. The Gold Coast Bulletin states that up to four-hundred surfers hit Straddie on a weekend with good waves. The number of those who utilize the taxi is unreported, but from personal experience I’d wager it’s close to 25%, maybe worse in the summer.

If you’re wondering what all the fuss is about, here’s an aged clip of Strad doing its thing.

Surf Ethics: Outing Mick’s wave!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Don't shoot the messenger!

And whenever a new wave is discovered it spins our imagination like nothing else. Mick Fanning’s reverse Skeleton Bay is such a wonderful example. We all watch once, twice, then race to find where the wave is and then someone finds and shares with the world and some celebrate and some book tickets and some wag their tongues.

But what are the ethics?

Pre-Internet it was simple. Nobody says nothin. But what about today? What about our time?

Stab seems to think the old rule still applies:

Mick surfs in an undisclosed location (the lack of landmarks in photo and film is no accident). But, we all know there’s no secrets anymore, not in 2017, not with Google Maps, not with The Inertia (and no, we won’t link the article which has hopefully been deleted by now).

Such a high horse to be perched upon! A high, nostalgic silly horse wearing a Modom anti-shark leash around his hooves!

To pretend that GoogleMaps and the rest of our tools don’t exist is to be willfully ignorant. To be backward looking and, well, dumb. And look at Stab being dumber than The Inertia! Also holier than thou! It’s Wacky Wednesday!

There are only two culpable parties to blame for the revelation of where this new magical wave exists.

Mick Fanning and his Rip Curl.

If they wanted to keep it secret then they should have kept it secret. No photos. No film. Just the joy of being there.

Stab referencing the “lack of landmarks in photo and film” is, again, willfully ignorant of modern technology. Once an image or clip is shared, no matter how tight the frame, it is easy for sleuths to discover.

Oh, I don’t think Mick Fanning and his Rip Curl are bad for sharing, I just think ethically, they may as well have released the clip titled Ain’t No Wave Pool… It’s maybe Mauritania! (even though I’m a little doubtful about it being Mauritania because I don’t think Mick would have the guts to go there…)

Now don’t that name just pop!

Jordy: “I wanna let my hair down!”

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

World number 2 Jordy Smith buys a bar! Or maybe three!

Jordy Smith had a very wonderful finish to his 2016 World Surf League campaign. Oh sure, John John won it all but second place ain’t half bad. And how would you celebrate such a monumental achievement? Would you buy a car? What about a bar?

That’s what Jordy did! He bought a bar! Three of them (I think)!

The new place is called #SurfHarD (I think) and appears to be very high concept. One building with three different zones for three different types of person. There is District, which is a nightclub, Harringtons, which is a cocktail bar, and Surfer Rosa, which is a punk bar. (Maybe)

Here…I am clearly a little confused. Let’s have Jordy walk us through!

And does that clear it up for you? Good! So which would you most like to spend your time? Are you a bottle service kind of man or a martini with bird on glass sort? Or do you, to, wanna let your hair down and bang away to some Motörhead?

You’re all three?

Well then #SurfHarD brother!