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Gaza Surf Movie Raises Jew Hackles!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Sonofabitch Jews squash surfing in brave Palestinian territory… 

Do you know what hackles are? They’re the erectile hairs on the back of a dog. Piss a dog off and the hackles dance. It’s a warning. Don’t come any closer or this bitch gonna bite.

A couple of days ago, there was a spurt of hot water over a silly little piece of propaganda that appeared on Magic Seaweed. 

The story reported on a movie called Gaza Surf Club. The film is simple enough. It follows a couple of Palestinians as they live, and surf, in that tortured little forty-one clicks of Med coast called Gaza. The joint’s been an international football since forever. The Ottoman Empire had it. Then the Brits. The Palestinians sorta got it for a decade in the fifties. The the Egyptians, the Israelis (after the Egyptians tried to annihilate ’em in 1967) and now it’s back in the paws of the Iran-backed Sunni-Islamic militant group Hamas. They got Egypt on one border, Israel on the other.

If you’re gay, a gal, someone who doesn’t believe the Jew is your mortal enemy or you enjoy riveting Western music it ain’t the place to be.

With its fifty-one clicks of shared border with Israel it also makes an excellent place to toss munitions into their hated enemy’s backyard. You’ll remember the war in 2014. Two thousand Palestinians dead, seventy Israelis, after Hamas and the various other militias started firing thousands of rockets over the border.

Anyway, old news.

From what I hear, the Seaweed story has got Israeli surfers’ hackles up. It paints a picture, they say, of a couple of boards being shared around as all the sleds get confiscated in Tel Aviv. Of impossible Jewish oppression.

Thing is, Surfing 4 Peace, which was created in 2004, just before the Israeli government forcibly evicted 9,000 Jewish settlers, has gifted the surfers of Gaza thirty-eight surfboards, a couple of dozen wetsuits, and two hundred kilos of surf turns, tees, wax, surf mags etc.

Here’s how that went down.

On July 27, 2007 The Los Angeles Times published an article by Louise Roug detailing the plight of Palestinian surfers living in the Gaza Strip and forced to share a single surfboard between them.  Within hours, Doc Paskowitz was on the phone with his son David, Arthur Rashkovan, and Surfing World Champion Kelly Slater.  They decided then and there that something must be done.

Within several weeks, the Surfing 4 Peace crew had gathered 14 used surfboards from Israeli surf companies, for donation to the small but passionate surfing community in Gaza.  With the assistance of One Voice and with international media coverage, Doc, David and Arthur handed the boards over to the grateful Palestinian surfers at the Erez Terminal between Israel and Gaza on August 21st.  Articles detailing the donation appeared in scores of newspapers, journals and magazines around the world.

So the Israelis get a little sore that they’re painted as the architects of Gaza’s misery. A pal of mine recalls taking a couple of Arab surfers around Europe and sitting there as one of ’em regaled his crowd with his hatred of the Jews.

“But I’m a Jew,” my pal protested.

“Everyone but you!” he beamed.

It ain’t simple.

As the Israeli writer, peace advocate, and founder of Peace Now, Amos Oz, posited“What would you do if your neighbor across the street sits down on the balcony, puts his little boy on his lap and starts shooting machine gun fire into your nursery? What would you do if your neighbor across the street digs a tunnel from his nursery to your nursery in order to blow up your home or in order to kidnap your family?”

BeachGrit’s Rookie Rankings Part 1!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

Who is a virgin flower, a Venus fly-trap, an ageing sunflower?

There are seven precious flowers joining the 2017 Chlorophyllus Tour. Some are virgin tulips, elated to stake a small patch in the world’s most vivacious garden. Others are Venus fly-traps, who salivate in anticipation of a hearty meal and years of upward mobility. The last is an aging sunflower, whose inclusion to the group derives from its refusal to bend under the weight of a thousand overcast skies.

Every year we contemplate which of our rookies will devour the Kellies and Micks and Ace Buchans of the world; which will crumble under the weight of psych-outs and homesickness and 1.86 billion scrutinizing eyes. And usually we get it way wrong but not this time!

I’ve put in the hours, conducted thorough research and established a fool-proof 2017 rookie analysis. If by late December I’ve been proven correct in my prophecy, I’ll be sure to ceaselessly remind you of my knowledge and foresight. If somehow my divination is shown to be misguided, I’ll scrap the whole harvest and start the process over again in 2018.

Deal? Cool. Let’s begin!

7. Ethan Ewing

Last year I fell victim to the early season smokebomb that was Stuart Kennedy. Despite multiple warnings from my Surfing Mag coworkers that his tailslide heavy, repetitious sidewinding wasn’t actually good surfing, I took the Sci-Fi induced bait. Over the course of the year I realized my mistake.

So after being initially enamored by Ethan Ewing’s mercurial rise in the QS ranks, I decided to take a step back and look objectively at the North Straddie teen. From all the videos I’ve scoured and heats I’ve replayed, it’s become apparent that he’s not quite ready for the big leagues.

Ethan’s board control is marvelous, his competitive acumen tip-top, but he still looks a bit pubescent when it comes to turning power. He’ll have a hard time matching the likes of Jordy or Julian or even Filipe when it comes to rail surfing, and then on the flipside, Ethan lacks any semblance of an air game that could save him from the perceived lack of power. Then when you consider his inexperience in large hollow conditions, I see Ethan having a rough year in 2017.

6. Connor O’Leary

Yes, Connor won the QS. The Cronulla kid also nearly qualified in 2015, proving that he’s got immense talent and consistency. But for me, something about his shtick is very… CT-lite.

Connor’s strongpoint is his backhand. He did a few turns at the 2016 Haleiwa Pro that left my jaw hanging and eyes blinking in disbelief. Considering the year starts with three right-handers, Connor could use the backhand to propel himself to a high seed for the rest of the season, thus making life much easier on the backend.

However, I believe Connor’s fixed-stance approach is detrimental to aerial surfing and his forehand. With very little front-foot movement throughout maneuvers, Connor hinders his variety and landing percentage on tricks both below and above the lip. I’ve also seen next to nothing of Connor in big left tubes, so unless he really fires in Oz, I see his year being mediocre at best.

5. Joan Duru

I feel bad putting Joan this low in the rankings. He’s a great surfer with a wonderfully adept repertoire for any type of surf. It’s just that this year’s rookie crop is so damn strong that someone has to take the fall.

Western Europe is home to any type of wave one could imagine, from two-foot beachies to corduroy points to dredging slabs to proper big-wave venues; Joan has sampled them all. Plus, hailing from Southwest France, Joan’s especially cognizant of shifting ocean conditions, making him a clever and resilient competitor. This level of adaptability will benefit him in CT competition.

Joan’s advanced age (27) also gives him more experience than the other rookies, both in terms of water time and competitive fortitude. He’s no show-stopping talent, but when Joan’s level of know-how is combined with solid turns, surprisingly proficient airs and a penchant for weighty tubes, all the odds seem in favor of Joan succeeding on the 2017 circuit. Consider him Kai Otton’s European understudy.

Part 2 tomorrow!

Awards: Enchantment under the sea!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

The first time since Endless Summer that surfers have worn proper suits!

I have spent the better part of my surf journalism career mocking professional surfers for what they wear to awards’ shows. Always so funny! Such combining of bag with unfortunate. So many bad decisions. Most get stuck somewhere between kind of trying and kind of not and the results are performance art.

But last night, our favorite surfers absolutely sparkled! Everyone did their damndest to find fitted button-ups, tailored jackets, pants that hug the waist. It was the finest display I’ve ever seen out of professional surfers and so I stand and applaud. Bravo young men and women!

Best in show went to Pete Mel who paired a tight black sweater with perfectly snug black slacks.

Worst in show, and it wasn’t even very bad, went to John John Florence who ended up in something one size too big.

Scientology in show went to Kelly Slater. Audit me champ!

Maybe Kelly’s Scientology look was actually the WSL’s fault. The podium trophy design was so L. Ron and when Kelly stood behind it in simple white shirt, black tie it just felt very… Bridge to Total Freedom.

Watch and swoon here!

Battle: Griffin Vs. Charly in Hawaii!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

Anglo-Saxons fight for dominance on Polynesian soil!

We live in a developed world, sure, but isn’t there something viscerally delicious about reverting back to heathenry, if only for a moment? For instance, consider the masculine battle for dominance. Even today, two men will throw fists over proprietary control of a woman’s ovaries. While this may be offensive to some, other women perceive the dance as a positive representation of love, but more realistically, strength and virility. They like it!

And these same Darwinian practices apply to surf.

It’s why we’ve got localism and obscure wave-height-callings and unspoken rules relating to ability and the amount of waves one receives. It’s completely archaic and oftentimes stupid but also a major part of our world. Surfers are, maybe moreso than any other non-religious group, completely un-evolved! It’s all about who rides the biggest wave, bangs the most chicks, swings the biggest dick, etc.

So…

You have seen, probably, Griffin Colapinto’s latest flick, Ding Donging. It is fast and raw and masterful in every sense of the word. As stated before, I believe Grffin to be America’s great white hope.

One thing you didn’t see, maybe, was Charly Quivront’s newest clip, Charly Quivront Let’s Loose in Hawaii. It is also fast and raw and masterful in every sense of the word. I don’t know much about Charly, besides that he is 21 and French, so I’ve not made any claims about his future.

But! Do you know what other thing these videos have in common besides being fast, raw, and masterful, having been filmed in Hawaii, and toting very awful names? Both were released on March 9th!

And is this not a direct call for battle? A Look-at-me punk, I’ll kick your fucking head in? A metaphorical representation of the childhood game, King of the Hill? I think yes and also I think it is wonderful. We need more authoritative action in our sport, less prissy pandering!

Now it’s time to decide: who won this battle of the swinging dicks?

Charly!

Or Griffin!

End times: Chris Ward joins LinkedIn!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

The apocalypse is closer than you think!

The world certainly does seem to be teetering on its axis these days don’t it though? Global warming, a nuclear North Korea, a collapsing South Korea, Russia, nationalism, threadbare health care systems, pandemics, wars and rumors of wars, etc. Like, maybe this is actually the end?

Well, in case you were on the fence, and in yet another sign of the apocalypse, Chris Ward has officially joined the business/social platform LinkedIn.

I received the note at 1:25 pm yesterday while driving through town. The temperature was slightly above average. I looked at my phone while sitting at a stoplight and read:

Your contact, chris ward, just joined LinkedIn

Help welcome chris and get connected.

chris ward

pro surfer at wardo

connect with chris

Now, I don’t know how I have a LinkedIn but the fact that Chris Ward is using “A networking tool to find connections to recommended job candidates, industry experts and business partners.” is troubling. Like, maybe head down to the bunker troubling.

See you in hell.