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Just in: Billabong signs Andy Warhol!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Billabong inks the talent out of Cocaine, New York to a reported seven figure deal!

Can you believe it? Can you even start to believe it? Andy Warhol, hottest up and coming grom of our generation, just signed with Billabong!

BILLABONG!

Our sources tell us that Volcom and Quiksilver made heavy plays with Brixton being a dark horse to sign the talented goofy footer out of Cocaine, New York.

And son of a bitch… my head is still spinning with this news. It basically means that John John Florence’s reign is over because have you seen the way Andy Warhol threads a backside tube? Have you seen the tweaked airs he’s been throwing? And by “tweak” I totally mean “speed.” Like, he is ON speed. Like, taking it in both pill and powder form. But also have you seen how inverted he gets?

SON OF A BITCH!

Rumor has it that Warhol has already snagged wild cards for Teahupo’o and Pipe for this year and will likely have enough points to run the full tour next year.

Which events are you most excited to see him at? I’d have to say Fiji. I can totally see him putting on an absolute clinic in plus sized Cloudbreak. But I also can’t wait to watch his tweak game at Trestles. And his video part that is dropping this year should be all time. Like, everyone else is going to be ashamed.

FUCK!

Are you hyped?

I’m hyped.

BILLABONG!

Here’s a sneak peak at his video part (dropping this year).

FUCK!

Genius: Let’s crowdfund the WSL!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Now is the time to remake the WSL in our image!

I am midway through book right now and my brain is absolutely tapped, especially when I’m sober. It is slow like thick molasses. Like summertime traffic. (is that a rap lyric?) Dead. Sore. Tired. Uninspired (is that one too?) But guess who just had one large sake and two large Sapporo?

Me!

And when I am slightly boozed my brain is very similar to Albert Einstein’s. A firing ball of genius wires. Nuclear shit n shit! And I just had the best idea ever.

So you’ve obviously read by now how Samsung jumped from the World Surf League’s ship and good riddance you Korean bastards! Go and make some more shitty phones and horrible washing machines. My Samsung washing machine just got recalled because, apparently, when washing heavy items the lid can fly off and cause mass bodily harm.

Suck it you Korean bastards!

Our WSL is better off without you. And wouldn’t it be beautiful to really make it ours? To make it so Pottz and Ron-Dawg and Joe and Raspberry wouldn’t have to pretend like they were talking to a non-existent audience anymore? Some giant NFL sized crowd of ex-CEO Paul Speaker’s dreams?

Speaking of that Korean bastard (was Paul Speaker Korean?) good riddance! And we have a full clean slate. The possibility to form professional surfing in our own image!

How much would you pay, per year, to watch surfing that was aimed directly at what you love? Good waves, good competition, good stories? A measly $100? I would probably pay $250.

Let’s crowdfund that shit!

Anyone? Anyone?

$250?

And, waiter, gimme another Sapporo!

Just in: Samsung Pulls WSL Sponsorship!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

Confirmed: No title sponsor for 2017 season… 

Do you want to know the most wonderful thing about Beach Grit? It’s that people love to share rumors with us so that we will share them with the world. It is a harmonious system because the whistleblowers get to remain anonymous and we get a great story, while still being able to pull the “don’t shoot the messenger” card.

In that light, just thirty minutes ago, the Beach Grit messages were infiltrated by an anonymous informant who asked, “You guys onto the Samsung pulling out of WSL coconut wireless news yet?”

What-wha-wha-whaaat? No, we weren’t! But now we are and thank you very much for that.

Next comes a reconnaissance email to the WSL’s VP of Communications, Dave Prodan. I asked Dave if he could confirm or deny the claims of our tipster. I had very little hope that he’d reply, let alone affirm their veracity.

Then, boom! March 1st to Christmas morning. Dave replies, saying:

That’s correct. Samsung will not be the title sponsor for the Championship Tour in 2017. The WSL’s official statement is, “Samsung has been a great partner for the surfing community over the past three years, elevating the sport to new heights and honoring the community’s heritage. We thank them for their partnership and look forward to an exciting 2017 season. The WSL is excited about upcoming announcements in the commercial space. More to come when available.”

I asked Dave if that enthusiasm meant they’d found a title sponsor replacement, but he reported that there will be no title sponsor for the 2017 Men’s and Women’s Championship Tour.

Oh, they also haven’t found a full-time replacement for Speaker yet.

So what does this mean? Sure, the League can finally rid themselves of those pocket-dwelling hand grenades and cut their insurance costs by half. But, it mostly means that the WSL, who was supposedly already losing a lot of money, is now going to be losing a whole lot of money.

Without a title sponsor, it seems improbable that the WSL will be able to persist as is. And as much as we joke about their geeky corporate demeanor, ridiculous jersey schemes and petty infringement laws, we need the WSL. Or at least we definitely want it playing in the background while at work.

So remember, joke all you want, but know that we, the viewers, will be the ones who suffer if the WSL goes under.

Crème: Julian Drops Best Edit of 2017!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

Including the two of the best airs you've seen in ages!

Not two hours ago, noted surf writer Chris Smith penned these very words:

Former has been live, now, for almost a week and have you watched Craig Anderson’s Luxury29.99? Is it not the surf edit of the year? It totally is! Near perfect!

Little did Chris Smith know, Julian Wilson was about to drop the true edit of the year (below)! An absolute masterclass in technically sound, totally radical waveriding. Craig’s clip can’t hold a candle to Jules’ blitzkrieg attack.

In fact, Wilson felt so confident in his ability to dissect the praying mantis that he brought Craig on a surf trip to Cloudbreak, a left, and completely embarrassed the goofyfoot! Talk about cruel and unusual.

Anyways, Chris Smith kinda saved his ass with a piece from just yesterday, where he wrote:

I have called Julian Wilson to win the title for three years running, I think. Oh he has it all… Fearless in bigger waves, still above average air game, experience, the last threads of youth, style, etc. All the markings of a potential champion and yet the grand prize has eluded him. Could this be the year?

And does the clip below, Wayward, not prove Chris’ stance to a T? The scene begins at pumping Cloudy, where Julian fearlessly charges bigger waves. It then heads to Bali and the Goldy, where Julian flaunts his still (very) above average air game. The experience, youth and style bleed through the entire clip.

However the answer to Smith’s concluding query is no. Julian will not win the title this year. I think…

Help: We were bullied by skate mags!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Dane and Craig's Former knocked around by Thrasher!

Former has been live, now, for almost a week and have you watched Craig Anderson’s Luxury29.99? Is it not the surf edit of the year? It totally is! Near perfect! Oh the clothes themselves may be a touch uninspired/uninspiring but early days and let’s hope it is smooth sailing from on out. Let’s hope no more bullying from the nasty surf media.

But wait. What’s that I hear? Is that the skate media piling on? Oh drat. And this news just came in from our wonderful reader Cap’n Haddock.

Thrasher magazine, extreme sport’s only thriving media property thanks to Justin Bieber etc. loving the Thrasher look, gave Former a knock on their news show Skateline. You can watch the host twist those nipples here or just read the transcript:

Shakas up high give it a wiggle, go head touch it. Wiggle it, yeah. Austyn Gillette starts a brand called Former with some surfers. And I know you’ve got surfer buddies but they got you here looking like a douche, my nigga. Embarrassing us n shit. No more of this! Look how ridiculous you (Austyn) looks in this photo. I’ve never laughed at your face before!

Dane and Craig have both shifted heavily toward the skate look over the years, embracing the hard + cool urban vibe and so I wonder if this unkind bullying from a magazine respected by Ryan Gosling etc. hurts twice as much?

I hope not. I hope they feel comfortably superior in their hearts knowing that surfers have always been better and always will be better.