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Watch: Parker Coffin Has No Sponsor!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

Broke and alone!

Confession time. I prefer Parker Coffin’s surfing to that of his sponsored, CT-residing bro.

Of course both Coffin boys modeled their surfing after Santa Babs (area) legends. Conner is a mix of Dane and apparently Curren, though I have trouble seeing the latter. Meanwhile Parker’s flow is reminiscent of surfing’s fav Mexican American, Bobby Martinez. All three icons have made a lasting impression on the surf world, from Curren’s style to Dane’s everything to that fucking tennis tour.

Parker has many things in common with Bobby. There’s the tight stance — super stylish, great for carving maneuvers. There’s the upright posture — super stylish, great for carving maneuvers. There’s the backside lipper — quite explosive, great for big scores. And lastly, there’s the main sponsor — WhiteNose Industries.

It’s true! Ever since tennis tour comments and Volcom’s vicious purge, Santa Bab’s best goofies have been without top-tier contracts. Sure Bobby’s got Monster, but that’s not a real sponsor. Like… they give him money and all, but it’s no Quik/Bill/Rip/Banks Journal. Monster is a halfway-up-the-rail sponsor, not something you’d strive to stain your nose with.

While Conner’s departure from Hurley was a surprise, he was quickly scooped by Rip Curl so no harm no foul. He’s now got two lines of income: CT earnings and a RC salary. Meanwhile, Parker is probably spending more money than he’s winning on the QS and has no major backing to break his fall. It’s a tough life for the QS pro, and to do it all out of pocket is terrifying.

But maybe this edit will change things. Maybe the Quiks/Bills/Rips/Banks Journals of the world will see this three-minute masterpiece and realize, “Hey, we’ve got 50k lying around, let’s give it to the Coffin kid who isn’t on tour!”

But of course that’s unlikely because nobody’s got money and our industry is shit and life is unfair. Parker’s probably got a few more years to make the dream happen before he turns into just another local legend. Let’s hope he sees some CT daylight first.

Warning: “The Chinese are coming!”

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Do you think your local break is crowded now?

If you are an American then you no doubt remember the story of Paul Revere. The brave man got on a horse and rode through towns during the Revolutionary War to warn his people that the British were coming. “The British are coming! The British are coming!” he shouted and then America won the war, shaming the British, and gifting the earth Donald John Trump 200 years later.

Well, a brave journalist writing for the Gold Coast Bulletin in Southport, Queensland, is sounding the alarms once again but this time driving a Holden SV through Coolangatta while shouting “The Chinese are coming! The Chinese are coming!”

He begins his provocative piece thusly:

IF YOU thought Gold Coast surf breaks are crowded now, wait until a billion Chinese people hear about them.

Surfing, one of the Coast’s greatest attractions, is making inroads into Asia by the World Surf League ahead of the sport being included into the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.

The peak professional surfing body is even rumoured to open a Chinese headquarters as the sport expands into the most populated countries in the world with hundreds of millions of potential surfers.

And do you think it is true? Do you think the Chinese will take to surfing, en masse? Or even kind of en masse? Like, 300 million or so? And is the World Surf League really opening a Chinese office? The piece continues:

World Surf League Asian Regional manager Stephen Robertson said surfing was growing in India, China, the Maldives, Taiwan, Indonesia and the Philippines.

“We are making inroads into China,” he said.

“For the first time in about 50 years the government are really encouraging the people to go out and get healthy and enjoy a bit more of a lifestyle.”

Son of a bitch. This isn’t sounding good. Let’s keep going?

Gold Coast surf legend Peter Townend (aka PT) — who has been called in by the Chinese Government to coach their Olympic surf team — said there was massive potential for surfing to expand into the region leading up to the Olympics.

Shit. The Chinese are coming? The Chinese are coming? Do we dare continue?

“There are about 400 million people who live on the Chinese east coast — and there’s waves,” he said.

“I’ve seen photos, there is a whole lot of coastline which is waiting to be explored,” he said.

Mr Townend has been working with surfing in China for the past seven years inviting surfers from Hawaii, California and the Gold Coast to compete in an event riding massive tidal river waves in Hangzhou.

Mr Townend, the first surfing world champion, said the Olympics would give the sport its biggest exposure ever.

“The first guy or girl to win a gold medal will arguably be the most famous surfer in that’s ever lived,” he said.

“We’re not talking about surf fans we’re just talking about people.”

SON OF A BITCH! WE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED READING! THE CHINESE ARE COMING! THE CHINESE ARE COMING!

(P.S. Dear Chinese friends. BeachGrit will soon be offering both Mandarin and Cantonese versions.)

Adam Sandler “ass-grabbed” at Malibu!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Comic has ass fondled by "two soft hands" after dropping in on bearded stud… 

You remember Adam Sandler, doncha? Funniest guy in the world in the nineties, not so funny now. A ravishing success in Happy Gilmore (1996). Peaked in The Wedding Singer two years later.

I swear to god, I feel on my ass, two soft hands. I’m, like, what is that weird feeling I have right now? My back is to this guy. His hands are on my ass for a little while. He’s surfing right behind me. Then he just takes me and… throws me… fifteen feet in the air. And then I’m underwater, thinking, ‘Did that guy just grab my ass?’

Anyway, a few nights ago Sandler was on The Conan O’Brien show, talking about an upcoming tour to Hawaii with fellow comics David Spade and Rob Schneider. And the talk, invariably, turned to surfing. Did he surf etc etc.

Sandler, says, yeah, well, I used to surf all the time. Before the kids.

And then he tells a wonderful story of surfing Malibu, how great it is to catch a wave, to feel it lift you and propel you shoreward. A wave comes. He wants it. Starts paddling. Gets excited ’cause he knows he can catch it. He’d seen a guy already on the wave, a bearded truck-driver, a bad ass, who’d parked this eighteen-wheeler on the beach, and figured, yeah, we’ll share.

“At this stage, catching any wave is incredible. And I stand up, I’m surfing, thinking, hey, me and the truck driver are surfing together!”

Then, “I swear to god, I feel on my ass, two soft hands. I’m, like, what is that weird feeling I have right now? My back is to this guy. His hands are on my ass for a little while. He’s surfing right behind me. Then he just takes me and… throws me… fifteen feet in the air. And then I’m underwater, thinking, ‘Did that guy just grab my ass?’ I have to deal with the fact everyone just saw a truck driver grab my ass and throw me about fifteen feet. So, I come up, everyone’s staring at me, and I look in the distance and see the truck driver peeling on the same wave, staring me down like this

Watch the whole interview here!

Fashion: Nic Lamb vs. Mason Barnes!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Two big wave legends (?) square off on the catwalk!

Now I really have no idea what is happening here but for some reason big wave surfers are having full on aneurysms over fashion these days. Not just like wearing labels but talking about wearing labels. And it is very confusing for me but maybe fun?

Maybe…. fun?

The phenomenon of big waves surfers + fashion first popped onto my radar with the great Shane Dorian. He made a big deal about wearing Gucci, if I recall.

More recently this video appeared of big wave surfer Nic Lamb talking about things. At the five minute mark he gets dressed for the Titans of Maverick Party and says…

“I like wearing tailored suits. I like wearing Armani tailored suits and Ferragamos. That’s how I like to dress. I like looking like a million bucks.”

But then Nathan Fletcher calls him Pee Wee Herman and it seems like it deflates poor Nic Lamb just a bit.

And then today we have Mason Barnes who also, apparently, surfs Maverick and also loooooooooves fashion. He says in a new video posted by Complex…

“I’m just as comfortable in this Gucci jacket as I am in my wetsuit. I am obsessed with fashion. Fashion makes me feel cool. My obsession is fashion and it is fashion as a whole. You can express so many different things through what you wear and I was always super interested in that.”

And great! Don’t get me wrong… it is all good and great except Nic and Mason, if you are reading may I offer a tiny bit of advice? Only drop labels ironically.

Aside from that which big wave surfer is the best dressed? I have to give it to Mason. The Gucci Ghost jacket paired over a hoodie with Chelsea boots is almost inspired!

Watch here!

Comebacks: Ben Hogan v Owen Wright!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Two great athletes hit by buses. But whose comeback was better?

An hour or so ago, Kelly Slater raised a historical challenge on our Instagram account in regards to O Wright’s rise from brain dead-ish to number one in the world.

“Maybe a comparison to Ben Hogan winning the 1950 US Open within a year of having a near-death car accident would be timely,” he wrote.

It’s a good idea. So how about it?

Ben Hogan, who is American, was one of the best golfers who ever lived. Had a golf swing that is still studied, still copied. His book Five Lessons: The Modern Fundamentals of Golf is the seminal golf how-to book. Had a hell of a childhood. His dad, who was a blacksmith, sat in front of Hogan when he was nine, pointed a shotgun at his chest and killed himself.

And in 1949, when he was thirty-six, Hogan had a head-on with a Greyhound bus that veered across the road. Threw himself across his wife in the passenger seat to save her. Ended up saving his own life when the steering column punctured the driver’s seat. Still. A double-fracture of the pelvis, busted ankle, busted collar bone and near-fatal blood-clots. Doctors told him he wouldn’t walk again. He did but his legs would swell and tire whenever he walked.

The following year, Hogan won the US Open in an eighteen-hole playoff. And he won five of the next seven majors he played.

And Owen?

Oh, we all thought he was cooked after his Pipeline brain injury. His condition was a mystery. His recovery was kept secret. Last May he wrote on Instagram that he couldn’t even get to his feet when he attempted surfing.

One month after the injury in December, 2015, the Gold Coast Bulletin reported, “Serious concerns surround the health of 2015 surfing world title contender, Owen Wright… Fears that Wright is still having trouble speaking and even standing have spread throughout tight-lipped surfing community…revealed he was still struggling with amnesia just last week.”

Rumours circulated. He found a girl. Had a baby.

Would he ever surf again? The idea of Owen competing on the WCT and…winning? No one was even going down that path.

At the Quiksilver Pro, Owen beat Mick Fanning, Joel Parkinson, Conner O’Leary, Gabriel Medina and Matt Wilkinson to become the first injury wildcard in history to roll up at the season opener and win.

“At the start of February, I was sitting in the doctor’s office and there were question marks on the year,” Owen said after. “So to be sitting here right now, we just pushed hard and went hard. I confronted every fear of getting back into it. There were a lot of fears I needed to push through in order to get back into the sport and back into what pretty much took me out and could have taken me out forever. I kept going and kept doing it.”

You tell me. Hogan or Wright? Who’s got the better comeback story?