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Trump: America’s first pro surf president!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Donald J. Trump is someone who speaks our language!

Oh I know that Barack Obama grew up in Hawaii, liked to bodysurf, etc. That he has been pictured frolicking in the surf many times and that Donald J. Trump believes that exercise actually shortens a human life but just like Bill Clinton was America’s first black president, Donald J. is the country’s first professional surf president and most specifically its first professional surf contest announcing president.

How do I know?

Hyperbole!

Anyone who has watched more than one professional surf event know that hyperbole is the lingua franca. Every contest is the biggest/best/most important. Every heat is the biggest/best/most important. Every wave is the biggest/best/most important.

“He JAMS it off the top and WHOA!”

“He’s in deep, deeper, deepest and COMES OUT WITH THE SPIT!”

“We have never seen anything like this floater here from Adriano de Souza!”

Etc.

Today, Donald J. Trump told Coast Guard cadets, “No politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly.” And he COMES OUT WITH THE SPIT!

More unfairly than the nice Jewish mayor of Leipzig, Germany in 1933.

More unfairly than the kind Andan Menderes of Turkey in 1960.

More unfairly, and treated worse, than any politician in history!

I know that all sports involve some sort of hyperbole but only professional surfing hyperbolizes Brazilian beachbreak.

We are Trump Country!

WSL: Adriano Wins the Oi Rio Pro!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

But what's up with Joe Turpel?

And just like that, it was finals day!

Unfortunately I was busy this morning and missed all heats before the final. Looks like there were a couple good ones though (Yago beat Gabby, Mick!), so I’ll have to check them out a little later.

Anyways, I jumped online just as Kaipo and Pottz were discussing the whereabouts of their missing colleagues.

Rosy Hodge, Kaipo explained, would return to her role at the Outerknown Fiji Pro in a couple weeks’ time (she has been stuck dealing with the pesky American visa/immigration system).

Chelsea Cannell, whose role I never quite understood as she is neither a surf expert nor especially attractive, has taken time off to become a mom(!) but will be returning shortly and with plumper breasts.

Lastly, and most interestingly, is Joe Turpel. Kaipo attributed Joe’s disappearance to “personal time”, but assured that he will be back “very soon”.

I’ve heard whispers that Joe was in the middle of certain legal troubles, but can in no way validate those claims. Also somewhat interesting, Joe hasn’t posted on Instagram in seven weeks, after being a near daily-poster during the period leading up to his absence. Here’s his last photo:

 

West is pretty good ey

A post shared by Joe Turpel (@joeturpel) on

Then, the final!

With 10,000 fans on the beach, and 9,993 of them in favor of Adriano, it only seemed right that the pugnacious plumber take this bitch out.

The waves looked fun — still weird, but fun. Long lefts with a strange side-wedge had ADS licking his chops. There is no one who can better dismantle a disorganized wave on their backhand.

His first wave brought a smile to my face. De Souza opened with a big turn, then milked it to the sand. So unnecessary, but so damn beautiful. Nobody cares more than Adriano, and that’s gotta count for something.

Ace fought back with a low-nine on a long, slopey left-hander. He carved the shit out of it and was justly rewarded. Needing only a six to steal the lead, it seemed momentarily probable that Adriano could lose the title.

Then, boom! Adriano caught the inside double-up and belted it like a red-headed stepchild. 9.8 was the score, and the fans went berserk.

Ace had one more chance to turn the heat but fell just short. Adriano sat on him for five minutes, and just like that it was done.

There are now four legitimate world title contenders, with JJF, Owen, Jordy, and Adriano all within a few hundred points of one another. Turns out John won’t run away with this thing after all, and I reckon that’s for the better.

Congratulations to my board-brother Adriano, and, WSL… more Yago wildcards plz!

Breaking: Joel Parkinson does an air!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

And other revelations for a Rio Pro cynic!

I don’t know when or how since I have been NOT following the contest in Brazil but look at the world’s oldest 36-year flying! I clicked on this morning and caught him in the water being combo’d be Adriano de Souza. The frozen picture advertising the heat was not a bird, not a plane but Joel Parkinson pretending he was a bird or a plane.

And it made me wonder what else I’ve missed from Rio? Are there storylines unfolding that matter? Is the non-Pottz South African in the booth really named Gigs or is it a nickname?

The contest this morning, anyhow, has been fun and my own negativity toward the Brazilian event has abated a touch. Yago Dora chewing though champion after champion, Jordy and Owen both totally failing when it mattered, Adriano de Souza showing the world that the li’l plumber is still a title threat. Etc.

It’s got all the drama a boy could hope for and isn’t even finished yet!

Full recap soon but until then, when did Joel Parkinson do this air?

WATCH HERE!

Watch: Felipe Jervis Has Timing!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

Our second-favorite Felipe!

Perfect timing does not happen by chance, and achieving it requires a path of dedication that is rooted in obsession. The final result translates into authentic artistic moments, and that is why living without aiming for this harmony is a spiritual suicide.

This is the Google-translated description of Felipe’s Jervis’ new video, Timing: Pursuing Fine Art. For those who don’t know, Felipe is an underground Portuguese ripper. He cares a lot about his art (surfing) and practices on days big, small, and everywhere in between. Please watch!

And what did you think? Does Felipe have the timing? Do his airs make you sing? His barrels fill your swiss-cheese sails? His power-stance give you the sharts? Me yes. All of it.

Though, when I’m watching a clip like this, I can’t help but wonder what a surfer like Felipe does to support himself. Twelve years ago this could have been his occupation, but there’s no way in 2017 that Felipe can live off his no-name sponsor’s travel budget.

So let’s take a vote. Which of the following is Felipe’s side job?

A. Sardine fisherman
B. Psuedonymed BeachGrit writer
C. Surf instructor
D. All of the above

How to: Properly fly the bird!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Are you satisfied with your middle finger style? Let's learn a better way!

There are very few things a man, or woman, actually needs to know in this life. Very few and shrinking to fewer every day. Like, knowing how to change a car’s oil is no longer necessary. Knowing how to approach a cute boy or girl no longer necessary. Knowing how to use English correct not longer necessary.

But knowing how to say “fuck you” with your hand, or hands, is as necessary as ever. Maybe even more necessary than ever.

So let’s decide once and for all. When it comes to the middle finger what is the proper way to flash? I have very strong opinions on the matter. I believe that the thumb should not shoot out to the side like an errant verse. I believe the thumb should not stress itself but either bend slightly inward or stay parallel to the hand.

But maybe I am wrong.

So.

Should the thumb be in?

Out?

Delivered with a big smile?

A psychedelic smile?

Or a…. what the hell is this look? Who even is this?

Hurry! The world awaits our decision!