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WSL: Adriano Wins the Oi Rio Pro!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

But what's up with Joe Turpel?

And just like that, it was finals day!

Unfortunately I was busy this morning and missed all heats before the final. Looks like there were a couple good ones though (Yago beat Gabby, Mick!), so I’ll have to check them out a little later.

Anyways, I jumped online just as Kaipo and Pottz were discussing the whereabouts of their missing colleagues.

Rosy Hodge, Kaipo explained, would return to her role at the Outerknown Fiji Pro in a couple weeks’ time (she has been stuck dealing with the pesky American visa/immigration system).

Chelsea Cannell, whose role I never quite understood as she is neither a surf expert nor especially attractive, has taken time off to become a mom(!) but will be returning shortly and with plumper breasts.

Lastly, and most interestingly, is Joe Turpel. Kaipo attributed Joe’s disappearance to “personal time”, but assured that he will be back “very soon”.

I’ve heard whispers that Joe was in the middle of certain legal troubles, but can in no way validate those claims. Also somewhat interesting, Joe hasn’t posted on Instagram in seven weeks, after being a near daily-poster during the period leading up to his absence. Here’s his last photo:

 

West is pretty good ey

A post shared by Joe Turpel (@joeturpel) on

Then, the final!

With 10,000 fans on the beach, and 9,993 of them in favor of Adriano, it only seemed right that the pugnacious plumber take this bitch out.

The waves looked fun — still weird, but fun. Long lefts with a strange side-wedge had ADS licking his chops. There is no one who can better dismantle a disorganized wave on their backhand.

His first wave brought a smile to my face. De Souza opened with a big turn, then milked it to the sand. So unnecessary, but so damn beautiful. Nobody cares more than Adriano, and that’s gotta count for something.

Ace fought back with a low-nine on a long, slopey left-hander. He carved the shit out of it and was justly rewarded. Needing only a six to steal the lead, it seemed momentarily probable that Adriano could lose the title.

Then, boom! Adriano caught the inside double-up and belted it like a red-headed stepchild. 9.8 was the score, and the fans went berserk.

Ace had one more chance to turn the heat but fell just short. Adriano sat on him for five minutes, and just like that it was done.

There are now four legitimate world title contenders, with JJF, Owen, Jordy, and Adriano all within a few hundred points of one another. Turns out John won’t run away with this thing after all, and I reckon that’s for the better.

Congratulations to my board-brother Adriano, and, WSL… more Yago wildcards plz!

Breaking: Joel Parkinson does an air!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

And other revelations for a Rio Pro cynic!

I don’t know when or how since I have been NOT following the contest in Brazil but look at the world’s oldest 36-year flying! I clicked on this morning and caught him in the water being combo’d be Adriano de Souza. The frozen picture advertising the heat was not a bird, not a plane but Joel Parkinson pretending he was a bird or a plane.

And it made me wonder what else I’ve missed from Rio? Are there storylines unfolding that matter? Is the non-Pottz South African in the booth really named Gigs or is it a nickname?

The contest this morning, anyhow, has been fun and my own negativity toward the Brazilian event has abated a touch. Yago Dora chewing though champion after champion, Jordy and Owen both totally failing when it mattered, Adriano de Souza showing the world that the li’l plumber is still a title threat. Etc.

It’s got all the drama a boy could hope for and isn’t even finished yet!

Full recap soon but until then, when did Joel Parkinson do this air?

WATCH HERE!

Watch: Felipe Jervis Has Timing!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

Our second-favorite Felipe!

Perfect timing does not happen by chance, and achieving it requires a path of dedication that is rooted in obsession. The final result translates into authentic artistic moments, and that is why living without aiming for this harmony is a spiritual suicide.

This is the Google-translated description of Felipe’s Jervis’ new video, Timing: Pursuing Fine Art. For those who don’t know, Felipe is an underground Portuguese ripper. He cares a lot about his art (surfing) and practices on days big, small, and everywhere in between. Please watch!

And what did you think? Does Felipe have the timing? Do his airs make you sing? His barrels fill your swiss-cheese sails? His power-stance give you the sharts? Me yes. All of it.

Though, when I’m watching a clip like this, I can’t help but wonder what a surfer like Felipe does to support himself. Twelve years ago this could have been his occupation, but there’s no way in 2017 that Felipe can live off his no-name sponsor’s travel budget.

So let’s take a vote. Which of the following is Felipe’s side job?

A. Sardine fisherman
B. Psuedonymed BeachGrit writer
C. Surf instructor
D. All of the above

How to: Properly fly the bird!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Are you satisfied with your middle finger style? Let's learn a better way!

There are very few things a man, or woman, actually needs to know in this life. Very few and shrinking to fewer every day. Like, knowing how to change a car’s oil is no longer necessary. Knowing how to approach a cute boy or girl no longer necessary. Knowing how to use English correct not longer necessary.

But knowing how to say “fuck you” with your hand, or hands, is as necessary as ever. Maybe even more necessary than ever.

So let’s decide once and for all. When it comes to the middle finger what is the proper way to flash? I have very strong opinions on the matter. I believe that the thumb should not shoot out to the side like an errant verse. I believe the thumb should not stress itself but either bend slightly inward or stay parallel to the hand.

But maybe I am wrong.

So.

Should the thumb be in?

Out?

Delivered with a big smile?

A psychedelic smile?

Or a…. what the hell is this look? Who even is this?

Hurry! The world awaits our decision!

Help: I wanna be a pro surfer!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

A "Choose your own Adventure" part IV!

Another day, another compelling decision to make! If you are new to this “choose your own adventure” catch up on parts one, two and three here! And without further ado…

Crowds do suck but the waves at 54th have that little end section and you have been working on consistently landing your air reverse. You really want to make the junior varsity surf team this year and feel you’ve got a great shot if you can just sort out the damned thing. You make almost half, which is great compared to most “normal” kids, but you don’t want to be most “normal” kids. You want to be a professional surfer and making the surf team will help, yeah? Brett Simpson surfed for his team and so did… so did… Kanoa Igarashi? Or wait. He was homeschooled. You know there’s another World Surf League pro who helped his school win state and you’re going down the list when your dad cuts in.

“54th huh? Your mom and I almost bought a house right on 54th before you were born but my practice was just getting started and so we bought up on the hill instead. I still kick myself though. We could have had a place for just 2 million. Can you believe it? Crazy!”

You’ve heard this story a few times before and can’t believe it. If you had been born on 54th…like right there…just think. You could have surfed whenever you wanted. Whenever! You would have made Kanoa Igarashi look like a flash in the pan! As soon as you get your Tesla all that will change but damn. Damn!

And your dad cuts in again. “Speaking of your mom…”

a) …You know Samantha? My new nurse? Well… I don’t know how this happened but we’re in love!”

b) …We are going to a couples retreat in Arizona to strengthen our marital bond and will be gone next weekend.”

Choose (A) or (B) in the comments!