Of course, then you have someone like Alex Knost, who dances to his own beat, and whose infallibility I would never question!

Faux/Real: The Pro Soul Surfer!

Enchanted fairies or manufactured clothes horses?

Do you believe in fairies? I do.

I believe enchantment lies all around us.

My favourite fairy is the professional soul surfer, mostly men who are paid to project anti-capitalist, anti-contest personas. (The female equivalent, of course, is the sex toy surfer, paid to project availability, always photographed with hams elevated, glutes oiled, mouth parted and so forth.)

Earlier today, Chas Smith skewered the soul surfer Joel Tudor for his apparent hypocrisy over his no-booze sponsorship rule.  Read there here.  

Just after it was published, a surf industry man called me and told me a couple of stories about soul surfers and what he said was their overwhelming hypocrisy.

Story one: Standing on a cliff at La Jolla, in California, he watched as a pro soul surfer followed a man to the beach after a drop-in, kicked his surfboard until it snapped and then allowed his pals, who’d rushed down the steps, to pulp him.

Story two: During the Noosa Longboard Festival a very well-known hipster soul cat grabbed his leash and tried to fight him (the back story is, soul cat had dropped in four times and, on the fourth wave, nose-dived. Our surf industry man pushed the leashless board onto the rocks). On the beach, the same surfer that was at La Jolla (coincidence!), told our surf industry pal that he’d better watch his back. And, a little later, surf industry man was  warned by another soul person that if he went to the party night he’d be lured into a dark corner by the La Jolla man and have his arm snapped.

Oh we laughed and laughed.

And, suddenly, I didn’t believe so much in fairies.

But, you?

The Pro Soul Surfer.

Faux?

Or real?

 

 


Hypocrisy: Joel Tudor flouts no-booze rule!

World-famous longboarder doesn't like beer sponsors! Or does he?

The internet is a cruel place in that it refuses to forget anything at all. Having an honest opinion about this or that and posting it somewhere, anywhere, online is a sure-fire road to later hypocrisy. Oh of course our beliefs evolve, we’re presented with new heretofore unseen, facts and figures etc. but does anyone accept change?

No!

And soon the honest opinion giver, the thrower of rocks, finds himself living in a glass house with a mob of other, different rock throwers descending.

Just like Joel Tudor!

Do you remember one week ago, at the stunning conclusion of the J-Bay Open presented by Corona when Mr. Tudor posted the following to his Instagram account?

In honor of the alcohol backed j-bay open @wsl & @corona – a partnership catered to the youthful demographic of 14-25 ….huge providers of trash …zero health benefits and probably the biggest gateway drug on earth BOOZE!!

Four days later he gave an interview to Stab‘s almost like new BeachGrit-certified writer Michael Ciaramella in which he said…

Yup. The devil’s poison. Biggest gateway drug on the planet. Kills tons of people every year. This is what the WSL, and the surfing industry as a whole, have been promoting since forever. Every clip you watch on Stab or Surfer is brought to you by Corona AU. Every surf trip on a boat, guys are chugging beers, you know what I mean? And who do you think they’re marketing to? Kids! Are you fucking kidding me? You’re handing it to them! It’s about time that bullshit switches, and I’m glad I’m the one to say it.

Exceeeeeeeeept…. the Internet and its forever memory!

Just two years ago, when Joel Tudor’s own Duct Tape Invitational was allowed at Huntington Beach it was presented by………..

Pacifico beer!

Oh there were many advertisements, both print and online, many featuring frosty cold bottles of Pacifico inviting, begging, the viewer to sit back and enjoy a cold one possibly with a cartoon friend.

And how do you think Joel should defend his glass house?


Here, Kelly explains to an agog John John how he proved the earth to be curved. | Photo: @tsherms

Earth science: Kelly Slater goes to war!

A no holds' barred, no cost spared, battle royale!

Two days ago it was revealed here that a flat earth proponent had upbraided the world’s most popular surfer on Instagram for believing the earth is round. It was my favorite story of the week because of its subtleties. Kelly is not shy to mix in a little conspiracy into his belief cake but apparently thinking that the earth is a giant flat disc with a 150 foot ice wall around the edges, guarded by NASA, to keep us in is not an ingredient.

And on Kelly’s social media accounts a flat earther swung in and quietly stated, “DUMB MOTHER FUCKER! IF THE EARTH IS A 25,000 MILE CIRCUMFERENCE BALL THEN THE FUCKING EARTH CURVES A SHIT LOAD AND VERIFYING THIS CURVE SHOULD BE NO PROBLEM, IT SHOULDN’T EVEN BE A CHALLENGE…”

then a little later…

“WHAT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS YOU DUMB SHIT? WHAT AREN’T YOU GETTING? I KNOW YOU ARE STUPID, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE THIS FUCKING STUPID! NO VERIFIABLE CURVE MEANS NO CURVE DUMMY.”

then a little later…

“NOW GO FIND THAT CURVE WITH YOUR MILLIONS OR SHUT THE FUCK UP OR CHOOSE TO CONTINUE TO LOOK LIKE A BITCH! ALL YOUR DUMB ASS HAS TO DO IS SHOW US WHERE TO VERIFY THIS CURVE OF EARTH!”

Well, Kelly Slater quietly took his millions and…

…boom.

How many millions do you think that scaffolding cost to build?

Did Kelly win a battle or win the war?

Stay tuned!


A joy ride with a hiccup! | Photo: six12media

Pop Quiz: Are You A Kook?

Take this quiz for a definitive answer.

Recently, the writer Nick Carroll made some very hurtful comments about our “ridiculous” website.

However, he also provided a checklist (for which I’m grateful) that tells you whether or not you’re an intelligent kook.

You already knew you were a kook, but intelligent?

Only this quiz will tell.

1. Do you live in a big city

2. Did you go to university?

3. Do you understand post-modernism?

4. Do you write sleek witty judgmental prose about surf culture? (Bleach’d Grit, Longtom, Negatron, That Dead Whale etc. I’m looking at you.)

5. Do you surf like a sack of shit (paraphrased)?

Congratulations! You’re either an intelligent kook, a stupid kook or a liar.

No one who doesn’t surf like a sack of shit really understands post-modernism.

We pretend we do, but every time someone mentions it, we use Google to “refresh” our memories.

Or is that just me?

Anyway, unless I’m very much mistaken, the only thing saving Nick from his own list is his surfing ability. So, Nick, let me ask you a few questions.

Nick: For how much longer do you think you’ll be able to surf half-decently?

When you stop being able to do so will you immediately retire from surf journalism?

And how badly do you want to throttle me for being such a pedantic graduate of Google’s school of postmodernity?

Not that bad? Not even an eyebrow? Read on.

Do you reckon you surf better than your brother at the moment? How long until his knee gets better and he overtakes you again?

I can’t imagine my younger brother being better than me at surfing, let alone a world champ.

How did you live with it for so long? And are you willing to give it up again?

But back to postmodernity, one last question:

Is the self-aware kook still a kook?


The Western Australian surfer Creed McTaggart, who is a a wild and natural talent. chooses to carry his board with a dramatic irony.

Faux/Real: Carrying surfboard like child!

Are you an ironic hauler of your craft?

I can’t remember the exact moment, but I do remember roughly the year when a certain substrata of surfers started carrying their surfboards like children, tail down, nose up and gripped in the upper third.

It was 2005 and a small company called Insight had created, with its fashion-y trunks and tees and a team of surfers who were B-ish grade but photogenic, the first hipster surfers. Short trunks, sleeveless tee-wearing boys carrying surfboards with dramatic irony.

Oh, yes, we know how you’re supposed to carry a surfboard, wax out, nose down, gripped ever so slightly behind the wide point, but… we don’t care! We’re so confident in ourselves, and so contemptuous of the mainstream surfer, that we’ll do anything to separate ourselves from the jocks.

Previously, any sort of divergence from the standard manner of carrying a surfboard would’ve had you immediately, and accurately, pegged as a kook.

The insouciance caught on very quickly among what we call the freesurfers, Dane Reynolds, Craig Anderson, Creed McTaggart, Dion Agius and so on.

And for a very long time it was only the very best, and most confident, of cool surfers who carried their boards like this and so if you saw a board carried in this awkward, child-like manner, and particularly if they wore a sleeveless black tee and short trunks, you would think, oh he good. 

But, then, quite recently, the last few years and so forth, even the novice has begun to carry their board like the child thereby nullifying the ability to rate a surfer by the way he lugs his surfboard.

So.

Carrying a board like a child.

Faux?

Or real?