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Quiz: What shaper would you sex?

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Who would you invite for the ultimate private drink?

Two days ago I wrote what I would regard as an asexual report on the surfboards Jon Pyzel had made for John John Florence to ride at J-Bay.

(Read here)

But where I saw concaves and pin-tails and the thrill of discovering the hitherto unknown elements of his surfboards, the commentariat was sodden with cocks, punctuating my civility with their perverse delight.

Typical examples:

This is a public forum and such advances toward him I think are not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle!!

SharkAttack575: look at some past pieces on Pyzel from this same senior surf journalist and see similar references to to his sex appeal! Personally I think it’s unfair toward the shaper! I do not know if he’s straight, gay, bi or even trans tilted nor do I care but this is a public forum and such advances toward him I think are not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle!!

Jocks: Jon Pyzel and Derek would make a super cute couple. 

SharkAttack575: I am not bigoted on this topic — I just think it was super creepy the way Derek has advanced on him publicly. poor use of his own forum

The line, “Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle” did make me think.

Who would I invite for a private drink? Oh, entirely hypothetically, of course, but I wondered who would I like to dissolve under?

Whose heavy arms would you like to melt in? 

Let’s wander through the game park.

Matt Biolos: 

For: Very good conversation, with an emphasis on World War Two weaponry and California-skewed eighties punk. Can drink although doesn’t like to dance. Excellent surf partner who will help you secure a set wave at Lowers.

Against: Brusqueness can be mistaken for unfriendliness.

Jon Pyzel

For: A Hawaiian version of Matt Biolos in many ways. Good conversation. Is curious. Excellent sense of humour. Small agile rump.

Against: Only has eyes for John John.

Darren Handley

For: I didn’t write a story called The Most Beautiful Shaper in the World for ironic kicks. Twenty five years ago, DHD could be spotted by his waterfall of Rapunzel hair and by the nymphets who pulsated whenever his radiant limbs appeared. Beauty fades for all of us, and not even Darren has been spared, although the famous charisma remains.

Against: You’ll have to get past Mick Fanning.

Maurice Cole

For: The stories! You could sit at his feet all night long and never become bored by his explosive stories of life, love, prison, superstars, money won and lost, cancers that come and go and so forth.

Against: Has a tendency to over-dramatise.

Now who have I missed?

Jason Stevenson? (Lithe)

Ryan Burch? (Overbite)

Mark Richards? (Chronic back problem)

Tomo? (Perfect)