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Rory Parker: “Why I quit!”

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Derek mealy-mouthed! Chas "unpleasant!"

(The following appeared as a comment on a previous BeachGrit post from Rory Parker)

Sweet jesus, I just want to put this shit behind me (and hopefully cash in if Derek and Chas manage to make this thing work.) But because Derek was kind enough to make sure I was aware of this piece…

I agreed to write a number of articles for BG in exchange for a small piece of the company. After I’d passed that point Derek and Chas were not willing to begin paying me, nor give me more equity. Furthermore, Chas wanted to use BG to promote a bunch ‘grit’ spin-offs and felt that it was terribly unfair when I expected to be included.

In the beginning there were lots of kind words about being ‘partners’ and a ‘team,’ but when push came to shove they made it clear they’d always considered me an independent contractor.

I should’ve quit then, but I let Derek talk me into hanging around with a bunch of vague promises. Because I truly enjoyed writing for BG. It was fun.

Until it wasn’t anymore.

If I’m being totally honest, a few kind words would have been enough to keep me around. But that was too much to ask for.

Chas loves to play up the fact that he’s an unpleasant person. And he truly is. Rather than being a partner in the site I loved I found myself working, for free, for someone I can’t stand.

So I quit.

Shocking: Joe Turpel finally says the word!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Are you ready for your mind to be blown?

Joe Turpel, cool as ice, maybe a mafia hitman hiding in the witness protection program, maybe an undercover CIA operative, has refused to say the word “shark” like he is getting paid off. I have begun to wonder if he as a speech impediment. Can he not make sibilants? Can he not make voiceless velar stops?

Any time a shark swims though the lineup Joe Turpel calls it something else. Either a “hop on the sled to reset” a “little moment in the water” or “another incident in the lineup.”

Never a shark.

Until yesterday. New footage has surfaced of Joltin’ Joe Turpel finally uttering the word shark.

Ladies and gentlemen…..

Joe Turpel saying the word “shark.”

#TourNotes: “My Head Explodes!”

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

An enchanted reading of the last days of the J-Bay contest!

The American Peter King is like one of those permanent guests at a hotel. A very old man privy to the machinations of everything around him, a recorder of stories. You might only know he’s around by the old-timer cough as he attempts to dislodge the mucous that tends to linger in a man’s harvest years.

As is custom, Peter delivers a three-minute short to his masters at the WSL at the conclusion of each event. Although the quality ain’t what it used to be when it was a Hurley vehicle, less candour more schmaltz, this episode treads the right side of a very narrow margin.

Kelly stars as usual, oh he hates the camera don’t he? The moment all the photographers fall on themselves (3:47) is enchanted, Turpel says his head explodes about something and Filipe…Filipe… he makes the rest of the tour look like they belong to the barbiturate family!

Watch!

Breaking: Paul Speaker was right!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

More people watched surfing last year than anything else!

Ex-WSL CEO Paul Speaker is gone and I am poorer for it. He, in trademark polo shirt and white pant, was the perfect foil. A man so out of touch with surfing, so ludicrously ignorant, that it would have been impossible to make him up.

Oh I loved to torment him, always writing that if he would agree to an interview the barrage would stop. He never agreed and, instead, went on Fox Business and said ridiculous things like Kelly Slater makes well north of 20 million dollars a year and more people would someday watch surfing than any other sport.

What a tool! What a goddamn nerd! He didn’t know anything about professional surfing and the small core of people who actually care.

Well, today the industry publication Sports Business Daily reported that the World Surf League had the most watched video, globally, over the last year.

California-based analytics and valuation company Hookit looked at the Facebook, Twitter and Instagram posts of 1,255 leagues, teams and federations across the globe from June 16, 2016-June 15, 2017, and ranked them based on a composite score that took into account factors such as views…

That’s how the story begins and then slides behind a paywall but the title is the only thing we really need.

Data Shows World Surf League Had Most-Watched Video Globally Over Last Year.

Data Shows World Surf League Had Most-Watched Video Globally Over Last Year.

Data Shows World Surf League Had Most-Watched Video Globally Over Last Year.

I have to think it was Mick Fanning being touched by a shark but it was still surfing and Paul Speaker was right.

Mr. Ex-WSL CEO? Can I bring two roses to your house alongside my apology?

Rate: Your fav ex-BeachGrit writer!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Michael Ciaramella has left for a new gig at Stab! Cry it out!

Ladies and gentlemen it is my sad duty to inform you that Michael Ciaramella has just left us for SurfStitch property in association with FCS and House Beer Stab magazine. Oh there there. Dry your tears. Come, put your head on my shoulder and let us remember the good times we all had together. The laughs. The fun.

And while we’re at it let’s rate all of BeachGrit‘s ex-writers!

Ali Klinkenberg: At the very dawn of BeachGrit a handsome, tall Australian (I think) came to us and wrote almost a dozen pieces before he too was poached by Stab. (That Stab sure does like to sift through BeachGrit‘s underwear drawer!) In any case, Ali’s best piece might have been Candid: All my friends are racist! which included the line, “I’ve never been to Brazil, but I’ve experienced its fruits. I once dated a Brazilian garota linda (beautiful gal) who looked like Penelope Cruz (no shit), and my good amigo Gui used to be addicted to condensed milk (four cans a day!).”

Fate: Unknown.

Ashton Goggans: Ashton was a treasure and I was actually sad to see him go. Not pretend sad like with Michael. A handsome, well-dressed man who could hold his drink and cuff his pants. He came from San Francisco, I believe, and brightened our sky with many pieces (here) and was the actual one to write about Mick Fanning getting loved up by a curious White in J-Bay those two years ago.

Fate: Became an editor at Surfer and might still be there.

Rory Parker: The man from Kauai stole your heart with tales of freediving, killing chickens and the legalities behind airbnb rentals on the islands. His high water mark may have been a trip to Nicaragua with his wife in order to have a threesome. The hilarious details spilled forth, including versions from wife and mark!

Fate: Stuck in an endless cycle interviewing Cori Schumacher. Like Groundhog Day!

Michael Kocher: Michael grabbed your attention and money. The poor ex-Marine out of Colorado developed brain cancer and needed you to GoFund his healing. You responded, out of the goodness of your heart, and he bought drugs and prostitutes because, just kidding, he didn’t have brain cancer! The ruse infuriated many but the Man from Manassa wielded a wicked pen. He also established the bar for how all BeachGrit ex-writers should go out.

Fate: Killed by police after taking people hostage.

Michael Ciaramella: And the latest. Michael came to us via Surfing and boy could he surf! Airs etc. His best work was when he got very specifically technical about surfing but I don’t think he really liked this sort of thing. He also took Christian Fletcher head on in a wonderful series that might even better Rory’s threesome. Michael was handsome too and he could handle your slings and arrows well, which is a rare trait.

Fate: Moving to Stab where he and Morgan Williamson will recite poetry to each other under the pale moonlight.

So which was your favorite? Let them know in the comment section (or say a prayer if ol’ Kocher was your #1)!