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Watch: A Surfboard You Should Consider!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

You know, for those small summer days...

I used to think that ‘good surfboards’ and ‘bad surfboards’ were bullshit.

That it was the Indian, not the arrow, who determined a graceful slide. And while it’s true that exceptional riders can make any board, plank of wood, or esky lid look good, there’s something to be said for a superior board.

I was forced to change my mind just this year when, on two separate occasions, I stumbled upon the best boards in the world (for their respective conditions).

The first was a …Lost Puddle Jumper.

I ride mine at 5′ x 19.5′ x 2.25′ which equates to 26 liters of foam… three more liters than my standard shorty. The extra foam lends itself to increased paddle power, flat-section speed and somehow, thanks to the incredible design of the board, unaffected maneuverability. It can carve, it can air, and considering its chodey nature, the thing does a damn good job of stabbing through the lip. I’ll never ride another board below chest high.

The second was a Channel Islands Rook 15 — Adriano’s hand-me-down, to be specific.

Mine is 5’8 x 18.25 x 2.2 and the only way to describe its glide is with a Muhammad Ali quote: floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee. Just today I emailed my CI contact, attempting to procure more of Adriano’s throwaways — one, two, maybe even three! I’m out of the water for a few months, but it’d make me so happy to have them in my garage. To look at them. Touch them. Bring them inside and wax ’em all over the couch.

I can only imagine that Ian Crane feels a similar affinity to his …Lost V3 Stealth. Notice the control, the speed that Ian carries through gutless conditions. It looks incredibly fun, and user-friendly to boot!

Could this be the board for you, or will you keep your C+ rating thank-you-very-much?

Quiz: What shaper would you sex?

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Who would you invite for the ultimate private drink?

Two days ago I wrote what I would regard as an asexual report on the surfboards Jon Pyzel had made for John John Florence to ride at J-Bay.

(Read here)

But where I saw concaves and pin-tails and the thrill of discovering the hitherto unknown elements of his surfboards, the commentariat was sodden with cocks, punctuating my civility with their perverse delight.

Typical examples:

This is a public forum and such advances toward him I think are not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle!!

SharkAttack575: look at some past pieces on Pyzel from this same senior surf journalist and see similar references to to his sex appeal! Personally I think it’s unfair toward the shaper! I do not know if he’s straight, gay, bi or even trans tilted nor do I care but this is a public forum and such advances toward him I think are not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle!!

Jocks: Jon Pyzel and Derek would make a super cute couple. 

SharkAttack575: I am not bigoted on this topic — I just think it was super creepy the way Derek has advanced on him publicly. poor use of his own forum

The line, “Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle” did make me think.

Who would I invite for a private drink? Oh, entirely hypothetically, of course, but I wondered who would I like to dissolve under?

Whose heavy arms would you like to melt in? 

Let’s wander through the game park.

Matt Biolos: 

For: Very good conversation, with an emphasis on World War Two weaponry and California-skewed eighties punk. Can drink although doesn’t like to dance. Excellent surf partner who will help you secure a set wave at Lowers.

Against: Brusqueness can be mistaken for unfriendliness.

Jon Pyzel

For: A Hawaiian version of Matt Biolos in many ways. Good conversation. Is curious. Excellent sense of humour. Small agile rump.

Against: Only has eyes for John John.

Darren Handley

For: I didn’t write a story called The Most Beautiful Shaper in the World for ironic kicks. Twenty five years ago, DHD could be spotted by his waterfall of Rapunzel hair and by the nymphets who pulsated whenever his radiant limbs appeared. Beauty fades for all of us, and not even Darren has been spared, although the famous charisma remains.

Against: You’ll have to get past Mick Fanning.

Maurice Cole

For: The stories! You could sit at his feet all night long and never become bored by his explosive stories of life, love, prison, superstars, money won and lost, cancers that come and go and so forth.

Against: Has a tendency to over-dramatise.

Now who have I missed?

Jason Stevenson? (Lithe)

Ryan Burch? (Overbite)

Mark Richards? (Chronic back problem)

Tomo? (Perfect)

Guilty: Clay Marzo’s bookkeeper jailed!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

An egregious crime was committed. She also stole money from Clay Marzo.

Do you recall the very sad story of Clay Marzo’s very naughty bookkeeper stealing $400,000.00 from him and his family pushing one of Maui’s brightest star into debt? Catch up at BoardRap here but quite basically the Filipino woman wrote many bad checks, sent her children money, paid her credit card debts, etc.

No good.

Well, at least she will be going to jail. Let’s read from Maui News!

Felicidad Rivera, 51, of Makawao was sentenced to 35 months in jail after pleading guilty to 13 counts of wire fraud in February. She has until Aug. 21 to turn herself in to begin serving her sentence.

U.S. District Senior Judge Susan Oki Mollway ordered Rivera to repay her victims $373,182 and to undergo three years of supervised release after she completes her jail term. However, Rivera, an immigrant in the United States legally, will likely get deported to the Philippines when she leaves jail because her crimes qualify as aggravated theft by the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, said the family’s attorney, Joy Yanagida.

In 2015, Clark discovered charges to her Macy’s card for designer bags and items she had not purchased, the complaint said. She learned the purchases were shipped to Rivera’s address.

Clark considered Rivera a trusted friend who attended her son’s high school graduation and was alongside him when he was diagnosed with Asperger’s. She said Rivera also knew she struggled with numbers due to her dyslexia.

“She saw us as targets and she took it,” Clark said. “And she bought Michael Kors bags. How pathetic.”

Oh so pathetic and gag me with a fork. She should have gotten an extra 12-24 month for choosing Michael Kors bags over a Hermes Birkin.

Seriously, Tory Burch bags are better than Michael Kors bags like for reals. I’d almost go so far as to say Coach bags are even better than Michael Kors bags and I’m not even kidding.

If you steal $400,000.00 you had better not bring any weak Michael Kors shit around here. What would I recommend? Well you can’t go wrong with Hermes almost across the board but if you want to mix it up a little I’d go for the Louis Vuitton x Rei Kawakubo monogram.

Gucci x Gucci Ghost’s graffiti bag is kind of now and you’d be a sensation at your next dinner party.

Chanel is, of course, classic and a must if you don’t already have one. The Boy Bag is a nice choice.

 

But I seriously think you could pull off the Fendi Monster Eyes peekaboo bag best of all. It is to die.

So a lot of directions you can go.

What are you thinking?

GC: “Steel structure” to ease crowding!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Australia's Gold Coast experiment could alter the very world!

If you have ever been to Snapper Rocks off Australia’s Gold Coast or even seen pictures you know that it is very very crowded. I sometimes see it as a vision of the post-apocalyptic world. A place where 90% of the world’s waves have been rendered worthless due either rising sea levels or nuclear poisoning. The remaining surfers scratch and kill over Snapper and ummmm Trestles, only banding together in order to fight roving bands of Chinese interlopers.

Damn Chinese.

And it was with this scenario in mind that I saw a headline with bleary eyes this morning from the Australian Broadcasting Corporation that read:

Surf Break Made of Fabricated Steel Aims to Reduce Crowding on Gold Coast Waves

But through bleary eyes and into an addled brain it read:

Fabricated Steel at Surf Break Aims to Reduce Crowding on Gold Coast Waves

And I immediately imagined an outside jail built right on the Snapper Rocks for unruly surfers or egregious snakes or anyone on a fun/egg shape or you know… the sorts of surfers we don’t like. They would be fished out of the water by a giant hook and put inside the jail for up to four hours, depending on the offense. In the post-apocalypse it will be used exclusively for Chinese interlopers.

Damn Chinese.

Then I read the story.

Steve Barrett of Offshore Surf Reefs has been working on a new concept of artificial reef for more than 10 years.

After successful wave tank trials at the University of NSW he is ready to put it to the test.

Mr Barrett has approached Tweed Shire Council for support to apply for a grant to help him build a prototype of his reef design.

If successful, he wants to trial his concept on the Tweed, with Dreamtime Beach at Kingscliff flagged by council officers as the likely test spot.

The artificial reef would be made of fabricated steel off site and floated 150m off shore where it would be attached to the seafloor.

Etc.

Oh.

Ummm. Have you ever surfed an artificial reef? Do you think they are more or less viable than Kelly Slater’s Wave Ranch technology? But do you think my idea of an outside jail is even more viable than either?

Me too.

Breaking: Kelly Slater Goes to War on IG!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Kelly tells old stud, "You're a kook. You've wasted your life and talent!"

A few hours ago, Kelly Slater, the greatest athlete of all time with the possible exception of Jim Thorpe etc, wrote an innocuous Instagram post drumming up interest in the J-Bay contest.

“Serious question,” posted Kelly. “You ever stand up on a wave and feel yourself channeling someone else, almost like an entity takes over your body and you become your idea of who that person is or what they feel in your mind? Like a crime scene investigator where they have to become that person to solve the mystery or unlock the riddle before the answers unfold? At #JBay, you can’t help but be mesmerized…Tom Curren flow, Terry Fitz speed lines, Johnny Boy/Occy power stick in my mind. Here’s to hoping everyone falls under its spell in the coming days.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/BWgaGQOgZi_/?taken-by=kellyslater&hl=en

Of Kelly’s two million followers, 27,409 punched like, and a couple of hundred wrote fawning responses. A typical example, “You should do some book writings, Kelly!!! Perfect discription of feelings,” wrote Christian Kattelmann. “This is how every surfer feels about you.” 

One follower wasn’t cupping the balls, working the shaft, howevs. Sean Volland, a former pro from Kelly’s hometown Cocoa Beach who goes under the handle colonel_ricc_vonn, wrote: “Truly hope you win, but honestly doubt you will!!! Maybe if you had a Simon and a Maurice in your quiv, but alas, you have all of those gay lil things that you think you rip on!!! Youre All Lucky Andy’s dead!!!”

No big deal, right?

Kelly went straight for the groin.

“You’re a kook. You’ve wasted your life and talent.”

And off it went.

colonel_ricc_vonn@kellyslater “At least you reconize talent kid!!! Lmfao . Was telling Reola the other day, Id much rather be The Col. that the GOAT!!! I prefer sheep; Black Sheep!!! Watch out for them Wildcards!!:”You shoulda retired retired with 11!! Now youre just wanting, waning, and embarrassing yourself!!! You cant win Jeffry’s again!! Hell, I dont think youve got another tour win in ya!!!””

kellyslater@colonel_ricc_vonn you’ve literally done and continue to do nothing worthwhile in your life but be an envious loudmouth. It’s a feeble attempt for some attention so here ya go. You were actually a pretty cool kid and good surfer. But life did a number on you.

colonel_ricc_vonn@kellyslater Damn, and you dont know shit about my life so you damn sure cant judge!!! Im stiil a cool guy, just not in the Slater’s world, but I damn sure dont lose no sleep over it, nor am I looking for 15 seconds of nothing kid!!! Dont flatter yourself!! I was just making a personal observation; no different than Derek Hynd used to get paid for!!! Im a KS11 fan; not hater!!! But Ive got a damn good eye and I call bullshit!!! Just Sayin!!! Im actually lmfao at how many people are attacking me!!! Ive got some giant, face covered in tats guy threatening my life from New Zealand!!! I aint hard to find!! Bring Em All!!! I aint never been scared!!!

kellyslater@colonel_ricc_vonn Sean, your colors don’t change. I know enough. If you weren’t looking for something you wouldn’t have said a word. You come on here insulting me and attacking other people, throwing vitriol. Always looking for attention but the wrong kind. You’re the same guy you’ve always been, that’s the problem. Nobody said you were scared but nobody is scared of you either. Now move along.

colonel_ricc_vonn@kellyslater lmfao and already moved!!! Good Luck!!! I didnt insult you, nor anyone!! I just presented an opinion!!! Kinda like assholes; We all have and can be one!!! I do know one thing; You dont know dick about me boy, so dont say you do!!!

And in came the sycophants.

mitchpymont@colonel_ricc_vonn ahahahha where are you now, on tour? Kelly still easily has years at the top! Sit down boy and admire the best do his work

colonel_ricc_vonn@mitchpymont ok, Ill shut up and watch him lose 3rd Rd to someone like Yago or Jacob Wilcox!! He’d probably win if he was riding a 6’2″ Simon!!! Those things hes riding and peddling are lame; Period!!! Its regressive so his surfing!!!

And, from the ominously handled roadwarriors360,

roadwarriors360@colonel_ricc_vonn You better publicly apologize before it’s too late. Or you’ll have a crowd of angry surfers and hungry Great White Sharks after you. JR

colonel_ricc_vonn@roadwarriors360 go fuck yourself bro!! I run Kelly’s home town and fear nothing!!! He wont step to me, and Ill fight you all!!! Im a dangerous man; Dont kid yourself!!!

Ooowee, it’s a gang bang!