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Rumor: Andy Warhol killed Billabong!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Dead artist wreaks havoc on the bottom line!

In two short days Billabong will unveil its next all-star collaboration this time with Iggy Pop. The Stooges frontman, and icon of the masculine form, told the website, “I don’t have great taste in clothes, so I don’t wear much of them. I usually wake up and stay nude for three or four hours…and when I feel like getting formal, I’ll put on boardshorts…Life is better in boardshorts” I don’t want to doubt Iggy Pop here but I can’t recall ever seeing him in boardshorts. I would have liked to read “…Life is better in very skinny and ripped jeans.” Or “…Life is better in heroin.”

But what do you think of these collaborations? Do you love? Do you run down to your nearest Billabong store and purchase one of everything?

Liar.

For I have been told, from a source very close to Billabong’s managerial team, that the last collaboration with Andy Warhol did very horribly for the brand. So horribly. “Lost tons of money…” was the direct quote.

Andy Warhol always seemed to be a very strange fit for Billabong. The sexually fluid New York artist boasted, “I have never seen the sun and I hate salt water.” And yet Australia’s one-time largest surf brand rushed out t-shirts, boardshorts, button-ups and ladies’ bathing suits. Here is a picture of Jake Patterson surfing a board with the word “Warhol” spray painted on the bottom.

Oh I don’t know… I sound grouchy but these collaborations are tiring. They seem not only inauthentic but try-hard. Am I sounding grouchy? I am even tired of the letter “x” Billabong x Warhol. Billabong x Iggy. Billabong x Bankruptcy. Actually, that would be awesome if Billabong released their collaboration with bankruptcy. T-shirts feat. the faces of Oaktree Capital investors. Boardshorts with a graphic charting “the bottom line.”

I really do sound grouchy but while I’m here, would you like to know what gets on my nerves more that the letter “x”? Stab‘s usage of Spike Lee’s “joint” in their small films. “A Stab x Summerteeth Joint.” “A Stab x Jordy Smith Joint.” Co-opting “joint” is basically cultural appropriation and Stab should issue a public apology to Do The Right Thing, Jungle Fever and Crooklyn.

The End.

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