Shark attack survivor and three-time world champ Mick Fanning makes surprise pivot away from surfing; buys studio in Byron Bay teaching “whitest sport on earth!”
"I just feel straighter after it," says Mick.
Voice of the World Surf League Joe Turpel now on celebrity shout-out app Cameo: “Birthday wishes, pep talks, mean-spirited roasts are a specialty, handcrafted for only $30 a pop!”
Dreams come true.
South African surfer Mikey February delivers stunning riposte to The New Yorker’s claim that his style is “as self-conscious as the duck-face selfie!”
A dish best served cold etc.
Australia’s Olympic Surf Team doubles down on wickedly clever self-given nickname “The Irukandjis,” adds additional tagline: “Our name and identity are powerful forces!”
"Deadly in the Water."
Surfline Man and the Search for the Secret Spot: “Why even have a Sprinter if you’re not going to head out into the unknown once in a while?”
Tomorrow, he’s totally going to score.
BeachGrit tourists revolt at depiction of surfing as ghost white, country superstar Luke Bryan as modern face: “I wonder how all the beautiful Hawaii, Brazilian, Fijian and the rest of the non white surfing world feel about your stupid article!”
"Your part of the problem, pushing a narrative that furthers the divide and is not inclusive."
Cape Cod sees explosion in shark deterrent sales as surfers paddle back out after consecutive Summers of Blood: “It’s like dumping hot sauce on the prey, so it makes the shark think twice about biting it!”
Cholula.
Los Angeles clothing brand launches GoFundMe to save iconic 1967 Miki Dora Da Cat surfboard from “prison sentence” attached to wall of non-surfer’s house: “F*%k this collector crap, let’s gamestop this bitch and lose it into the rocks like kings!”
“In Miki’s spirit let’s buy his board and ride it. We cannot let yet another collector dry dock this thing."
Watch: In stunning move once deemed impossible, surfing grows a shade whiter with release of country superstar Luke Bryan’s new music video “Waves!”
Welcome to ghost white.
Surf fan boldly weaves from staid narrative of cutting tour surfers by half, suggests ballooning to 200 per event: “Nationalism could save the World Surf League!”
Jingoism.
Blue-eyed, blond-haired Australian surfer revealed to have sired an incredible 48 kids, “I was shocked that he had fathered 48 children, but we couldn’t be happier with our family and will never regret a moment”
Super dad!
Former World Champion longboarder turned politician Cori Schumacher focus of fiery recall effort: “The sort of misbehavior and misdeeds she’s engaged in, it has no place in this community!”
"Pure toxicity."
