Want to surf but can't swim? No problem!

Are you the type of foolhardy moron who likes to play in the ocean despite a total lack of ability? Do you wish you could kill your child while retaining plausible deniability? Are you frustrated by the presence of an overly healthy rotator cuff?

If so, you’re in luck! With the new Kingii water safety device, the latest in poorly thought-out crowdfunded inventions, all your dreams can come true!

Where is the Kingii useful? Just watch their video and you’ll find it’s perfect for:

“…a situation where an adult may not be present.” Because who has time to monitor their children in the backyard pool?

But what if your kid is too scared to swim unsupervised? No problem! Extensive testing has found that “giving kids Kingii makes them confident in the water.”  Which is great, everyone knows that, in an aquatic environment, confidence trumps actual ability nine times out of ten.

And it’s not only for helping keep your progeny’s hand dry while their blue corpse floats just below the surface. Kingii also has awesome surfing applications!

I reached out to Alec Booker, the guy handling press inquiries for Kingii to find out more. While he couldn’t tell me what size surf it was tested in, he was very assertive in claiming that it was tested by “established surfers who were  “receptive to the weight and safety features.” Receptive!

Another of the Kingii awesome features is that it requires a proprietary CO2 cartridge, priced at only five times the cost of pre-existing cartridges, guaranteeing it will work in a sticky situation, without burdening consumers with ability to quickly and easily purchase replacements at their local sporting goods store.

But wait, there’s more!

The Kingii comes with compass attached, perfect for those times you find yourself floating miles out to sea with no idea where land lies. By taking a simple bearing you’ll be able to easily determine in which direction you should undertake a miles long swim with an inflated bag attached to one wrist. And it has a whistle too!

It’s only a matter of time until the Kingii water safety device becomes all pervasive, and we laugh at the backwards past when people relied on idiotic notions like life vests and swim lessons to keep themselves safe in the water.

But don’t take my word for it, here’s what others have to say:

“Kingii is the perfect alternative to life jackets for beginner and advanced swimmers of any age. Now, for those who would previously forgo wearing a life vest, they can have the same security without the restrictions or discomfort.”

-Tom Agapiades, Kingii founder

“It’s a simple safety precaution that seems obvious in retrospect.”

– Devin Coldewey, NBC News

“The Kingii is one of those why the hell didn’t I think of that? inventions.”

-Juan Hernandez, The Inertia

“This is a crowdfunded project, and as such may not deliver what its creators initially promise. Most crowdfunding sites, like Kickstarter and Indiegogo, have policies about what happens to your money if the project fails to deliver on its goals, but choosing to back a project is inevitably a risk.”

– Slashgear.com 

“I’ve had six babies and five of them were born in the ocean. I got bit by a brown recluse spider on my face.”

– Some crazy lady I picked up hitchhiking

“…the team admits there’s no way of knowing how many people its proposed approach could save…”

-Liat Clark, Wired Magazine

Yessir, the Kingii water safety device is a godsend for neglectful parents and water enthusiasts alike. Just pop one on your young’uns wrists, have a few margaritas, take a nice long nap, and you’ll be able to watch your disposable income levels soar!