The WSL tour is a bittersweet romance.
Sometimes fertile, compelling, oftentimes the surfers, the best in
the world, exert themselves in a void.
Yesterday at Cloudbreak, in rip-strewn three-footers, every
surfer of note including the surfer whose company paid for naming
rights, was thrown out of the event.
Judy Slater, Kelly’s mom, was the former. On Facebook Judy lit
up on the WSL.
“You’re a bunch of yahoos! Even I, who have never surfed but
know more than you, would have known better than to hold that
contest in those shitty waves I think your judges are idiots. What,
for example, constituted a score of nine in those waves? All of you
should be replaced and the idiots that said hold the contest should
be hung by the big toe. You could have done better to hold that
contest at Kelly’s wave pool. Your score for your performance is
-10.”
Judy’s pals concurred.
“Judy, I have felt this way for the past two years!!! When Kelly
retires so will the WSL! I will certainly not be watching this lame
ass crap!!!”
Etc.
Whatever the merits of Kelly’s mom’s arguments, isn’t a fine
thing for a mother to put her paws, protectively, around her
cub?
Do you think when Kelly was roaming Facebook and he saw his
mammy light up, he was thrilled? Or not thrilled?
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Fiji Pro: “This contest is a stubborn
mule!”
By Longtom
Pushing this stubborn mule of a contest over the
hump into a manageable finals day…
Four heats of round four completed in a somnolent South
Pacific. Pushing this stubborn mule of a contest over
the hump into a manageable Finals Day.
Anything to learn? Maybe an upgrade of the finals call from
Kennedy/Wilkinson to Bourez/Wilkinson. Wilko looks sharp, looks
tight. If it’s barrelling he can go in low and slow, like he did
against JJF last year and come out with drama. I’s a Tommy Carroll
line.
Horrible day here, flood rain and a howling wind from the
south-east courtesy of an ill-tempered storm just to seaward, but I
had to wash the computer grime off me so I went for a surf at the
Pass. Someone I knew (a BeachGrit commenter?) yelled at
me:,“Oi Longbong, no more fucking littry talk, stick to the
facts”.
Nick Dee was that you? Memories of the time one of the honchos
from the (then) ASP, accompanied by security (the now departed
Woody, bless his soul), pulled me out of the press room at Bells to
inform me that people in high places had taken exception to the
tone of my coverage.
I gave him the Rosie Hodge defence.
“I was just trying to offer a ‘point of difference’, your
honour.”
Aren’t her and Ronnie are making a beautiful team, even if her
Californian inspired high self-esteem therapy speak becomes a
little cloying at times. I pine for her to take the advice Kevin
Spacey’s character President Frank offered his wife in House of
Cards: “Put some steel back into your game.”
Yesterday’s comments led me to my daily focus of five minutes on
insider/access journalism, usually performed by the good soldiers
and true believers of pro surfing whose instincts, inasmuch as we
can divine them, are to protect rather than reveal to hinder our
understanding if it contrasts too sharply from the official
narrative.
As Nick Carroll constantly reminded us in his biography of Tom
Carroll when referencing the drug culture on Tour, “ I didn’t write
about the drugs.”
Who can blame him? Who would? Who would destroy relationships
and the cosy, clubby atmosphere of being amongst friends and equals
– of being accepted – by lifting the carpet and
counting the scuttling cockroaches that fled from the light? Better
to look away and be a myth-maker.
It’s why the best writing about surfing always comes from
outside the inner circle. Our beloved Fred Pawle got a Pulitzer for
his expose on Sarge or was it a Walkley for his story about gay
tour surfer Matt Branson? Same difference.
Goddamm it, I just wasted a half hour on this tight deadline
thumbing my paperback copy of Hunter Thompson’s greatest book,
The Great Shark Hunt, looking for the quote where Hunter
describes just this clubby band of insider journalists and how they
end up becoming good Germans and useful idiots.
Ah, here it is! Take it away Hunter.
“The most consistent and ultimately damaging failure of surf*
journalism in America has it’s roots in the clubby/cocktail
personal relationships that inevitably develop between politicians
and journalists… When professional antagonists become after hours
drinking buddies they are not likely to turn each other in…
especially not for minor infractions of rules that neither side
takes seriously; and on the rare occasions when minor infractions
suddenly become major there is panic at both ends”.
Surf journalists as PR agents for pro surfers. Coaches as
commentators. A sport that was handed over without a cent to an
opaque organisation financed by a reclusive billionaire to be
bleached and whitewashed to within an inch of its life, a blind eye
turned to human catastrophes like Sarge’s sexual predation and AI.
This is a sport that has had conflict of interest baked into it for
so long it’s forgotten it’s there.
Thing is though, as Chas Smith showed in Welcome to Paradise
now Go to Hell (shamefully, I’ve only read the
free excerpts), we can all stomach the truth better than a handful
of lies.
Enough? No Nick Dee, the joos aren’t to blame. Great times, the
greatest to be a surf journalist!
We can write the truth and we only have libel laws to fear.
And being unable to visit Hawaii. And being coward punched by
someone we pissed off.
And, ah, our own cowardice. And stuff. Miaow.
Tune in tomorrow for the Finals Wrap sports fans.
*He said political.
Round 4 Results:
Heat 1: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 14.27, Julian Wilson (AUS) 13.93, Ian
Gouveia (BRA) 10.40
Heat 2: Michel Bourez (PYF) 15.73, Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 10.77,
Italo Ferreira (BRA) 8.50
Heat 3: Connor O’Leary (AUS) 13.66, Joan Duru (FRA) 13.50, Joel
Parkinson (AUS) 10.83
Heat 4: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 11.10, Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 5.54,
Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 4.67
Round 5 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Italo Ferreira (BRA)
Heat 2: Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) vs. Ian Gouveia (BRA)
Heat 3: Joan Duru (FRA) vs. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)
Heat 4: Stuart Kennedy (AUS) vs. Joel Parkinson (AUS)
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Chas: “I want to sink that piece of
shit!”
By Derek Rielly
BeachGrit principal in podcast interview. Find out
who Chas wants to sink!
On a recent Thursday afternoon, the writer and
BeachGrit principal Chas Smith was invited to participate
on the Surf Splendor
podcast.
Smith, of course, upholds the standard for candour and in this
almost hour-long interview chisels dangerous topics with an assured
and passioned improvisation.
Highlights
On slinging mud:
“I would invite people to write whatver they wanted about me.
For fun! I could lob grenades all day into peoples’ houses, drive
home and there wouldn’t be one grenade at my house. I’m confused.
Why not have fun? Nobody, ever, ever. I try, I really try to get
some kind of response from other surf media. But they’re
lifeless.”
The host responds that The
Inertia gets half-a-million clicks a month so why
should they care about Chas’ grenades.
“I completely understand that reasoning. What I don’t understand
is that we’re still surfers at the end. We can still have fun.”
“I would love to sink that piece of shit! It’s
terrible. I would love to bring it all down. I think I can say
it’s the worst website on the internet. It’s worse than
Brietbart, it’s worse than
the lefty version, it’s worse
than anything. Why? Because it has no point of view. There’s this
weird ‘We celebrate all points of views’ but they really don’t.
It’s curated toward a specific goal. And not to admit it, to
pretend that you don’t and you’re the definitive voice of
thinking surfers, is absolutely ludicrous.”
“When I encountered him
(The Inertia creator Zach Weisberg) at a party, he was
throwing his own writers under the bus saying, we don’t
support everything our writers say. If I wrote for
you, and you were at a party and saying you didn’t support
your writers, what kind of crappy thing is that? That’s awful!
Whether you agree or disagree is one thing, but to distance
yourself? If it goes up, you should totally stand behind it.”
At this point, the interviewer, the very good David Scales,
says, “They’re catering to a guy who rides a soft top, who bought
it at Costco, who lives away from the coast, Arizona maybe, but he
comes out every summer and surfs.”
Chas responds,
“Do you think he does? I would be shocked if even the soft-top
riding surfer from Arizona is typing in, www.theinertia.com.
I’ve never met one surfer who went to The Inertia or liked it.”
More, oh much more, if you press the little yellow button. Chas
Smith might be a genuine asshole, but he is a stupefyingly gifted
one.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Watch: A Chilling Surf Trailer!
By Michael Ciaramella
Hold your nose, the sea is icicles!
It’s about time for another legit surf film, don’t ya think? The
last I can recall is Julian Wilson’s
Wayward and that arrived in March. Like a fetus
conceived in August 2016, we are long overdue.
Now, I can’t say I’ve never been fooled by a catchy trailer
(damn you, Faster and Furiouser 12), but doesn’t this
particular piece of cinema, captured and presented by Benjamin
Gulliver, engorge your furry chest bumps? If not with its beauty
then with its distinct chill? Please watch!
And… wow! Even the second time around I am enthralled. Maybe
it’s because, coming from New Jersey, I hold cold water
surfing close to my heart (Chas? Can you agree from Mexico?), or
maybe it’s the artistry with which Mr. Gulliver filmed and edited
this masterpiece.
Either way, it made me care — and not just in a wooooo
look a big air! kind of way. This is rare in surf
cinematography.
The film is called ‘The Seawolf’ and it will feature surfers
Pete DeVries, Balaram Stack, Chippa Wilson, Noah Waggy and more.
The entire movie, it appears, will take place in cold water and be
wolf-themed. I’m not sure how that’s gonna work but we’ll see come
July!
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Day 3, Fiji Pro: “I can’t wait to go
home!”
By Longtom
Kelly, John John, Mick, Adriano, Jordy, Kolohe, all
washed out of the Fiji Pro.
Welcome back to the Grit coverage of the Indo-Pacific
leg. It’s June so it must still be Fiji, right?
I know, it feels a lifetime ago we last watched a heat at
Cloudy. As we say in Australia, Lest we
forget.
If you have children, and are of a certain socio-economic
standing and reside in the coastal suburbs of Sydney or Byron or
Costa Mesa or Fair Oaks or Long Beach or Berkeley, believe the
White shark is gods favoured creature, you may send your kids to a
Steiner/Waldorf school.
I did, until White sharks started leaving my friends grey on the
beach with no legs and the fees damn near bankrupted me.
But fruitcake or genius, Rudolph Steiner had some functional
ideas, one of which was that to develop objective thinking you
should focus on something, and nothing else, for five minutes a
day.
So I spent the lay days spending five minutes a day thinking
about pro surfing, so you wouldn’t have to. You’re welcome.
Last article a knowledgeable commenter, Wayne Murphy, compared
pro surfing to cricket test matches that stretch over five days and
are a mostly a snooze-fest where the highlight can often be a
seagull shitting on someone’s head.
It’s a perfect analogy. A vestige of a bygone era when
people had nothing better to do, but even cricket with its
centuries old hidebound traditions managed to evolve the game into
more modern and exciting formats. One day formats, 20/20 games that
are over in six hours etc etc.
American sports mostly evolved in isolation but being more
modern are usually over in a day. But they take the luck factor out
by having a series. Like the NBA finals going on as we speak.
You get to see the best guys in the best teams continually
having to produce the best performances under pressure.
You see where I’m going with this right?
We get to see the best guys once or twice and if it’s a scrappy
heat where luck rules, like at Cloudbreak today, they’re gone.
Speaker wanted to emulate American sports but didn’t look at the
most crucial aspect: format.
This should have been run and done in two days. We could, we
should, be somewhere in Indo watching Slater/Florence take
advantage of a bombing Indian Ocean, not seeing QS surfers in QS
conditions disembowelling high seeds stuck in a loop of frustrated
expectations like the rest of us.
The problem: you need four days of high-quality surf in the
waiting period, and it just ain’t there most of the time. Square
peg, meet the round hole of pro surfing anti-climax.
Enough fantasy, let’s riff on reality. Bourez has an equipment
advantage with Firewires in small lefts. He brutalised Fanning in
the worst surf of the day.
John Florence took on Leo Fioravanti. Perfect opportunity in a
low-energy, confused lineup for the Italian rookie to knock out the
champ. Leo went full Brazilian with the opening hassle, paddling
right up the reef.
For fifteen long minutes, no wave was ridden and Barton was
forced into very hard yards as the “insight” guy to elevate this
into something resembling sport. John paddled away back down the
reef. A flying fish skittered out of the reef edge like shard of
broken glass and John flinched as it came towards him. Nerves.
John took a lead with surfing elevated beyond meat and potatoes
by flared final manouevres on the coral. He looked the goods. I
found the Italian Stallion irritating. Too much of an overpowering
odour of a manufactured surf star for my liking, but then he nabbed
a set and spiked it repeatedly. It was a superior ride and he
repeated the dose to, in the end, dispatch Florence comfortably. I
had to upgrade my opinion of Fioravanti big time. He’s legit.
Cloudbreak remains problematic for Florence, somehow.
Are you a surf gambler? I’m not but I want to be.
I wanted to bet against Slater, which in effect is betting
against the the house. I would have bet my house against Slater, if
I owned one. Connor started with a series of errors but didn’t look
rattled. Rosie and Ronnie riffed on J-Bay. Rosie in the most
wistful voice imaginable, so soft as to be almost inaudible said, “
I can’t wait to go home, Ronnie.” It was the most honest thing to
come out of the booth all year.
Carnivorous judges wanted the red meat of fully marbled turns
and Slater gave them a mixed bag of lollies. It was sweet and
quirky surfing but it failed to broach a seven, a number that has
become a barrier for the goat.
With four minutes remaining Kelly needed a four. Rosie had
sweaty palms, I had sweaty palms.
A wide set loomed and went unridden. The cruel clocked ticked
down. This is how the champ goes out, with a whimper, needing a
four. Famed Brazilian surf writer Julio Adler described Kelly loss
as “melancholic.” Even more melancholy was the presser on the
mothership where a disoriented Kelly couldn’t comprehend the loss,
thought there was nothing else he could do. It was like watching an
old man wandering the streets who has forgotten the way home.
Everyone expected De Souza to capitalise. The push was on in the
commentary booth. I desperately wanted a Stu Kennedy victory. That
to me, in backlit lefts that looked tantalising, would be a
beautiful achievement to cap a mostly forgettable day.
Stu threw red meat to the judges straight away and they ate it
up. I’d seen Stu surfing at one of Ballinas sharkiest spots and I
knew his backhand was sharper than the perceived wisdom.
With a minute remaining De Souza sold him on a small runner and
then snagged a set. It fell short and I, like Stu, said “Thank
God.”
See, belief in a higher power can pay dividends.
This thing has to finish strong, surely.
I say Matt Wilkinson v Stu Kennedy Final. What say you?
Round 3 Results:
Heat 5: Michel Bourez (PYF) 13.53 def. Mick Fanning (AUS) 11.20
Heat 6: Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 16.83 def. John John Florence
(HAW) 13.33
Heat 7: Joan Duru (FRA) 17.60 def. Jordy Smith (ZAF) 11.73
Heat 8: Connor O’Leary (AUS) 10.74 def. Kelly Slater (USA)
10.34
Heat 9: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 15.30 def. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
13.84
Heat 10: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 16.10 def. Kolohe Andino (USA)
11.90
Heat 11: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 12.93 def. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA)
12.80
Heat 12: Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 14.83 def. Adriano de Souza (BRA)
14.33
Round 4 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: Ian Gouveia (BRA), Julian Wilson (AUS), Matt Wilkinson
(AUS)
Heat 2: Italo Ferreira (BRA), Michel Bourez (PYF), Leonardo
Fioravanti (ITA)
Heat 3: Joan Duru (FRA), Connor O’Leary (AUS), Joel Parkinson
(AUS)
Heat 4: Bede Durbidge (AUS), Sebastian Zietz (HAW), Stuart Kennedy
(AUS)