From opportunity knocks department, abandoned cargo ship laden with Porsches, Lamborghinis, Bentleys, still adrift and unmanned off surf-rich Azores!

Get paddling!

Come on, here, surfers. This has gone on far too long and I simply can’t believe one of our kind has not asserted maritime law and gone to fetch the cargo ship laden with Porsches and Bentleys and Lamborghinis that as been abandoned off the Azores surf-rich coast.

The whole troubles began sometime last week when the Felicity Ace caught fire in the Atlantic, the crew jumped ship and off she floated alone and lonely with her loot.

Fire crews on tugs have attempted to reach her, though turbulent weather has delayed them meaning that opportunity is knocking, and knocking loudly, for one of our Portuguese brethren to paddle and claim.

“There are no visible fire spots anymore, and there’s no more smoke,” João Manuel Mendes Cabeças, captain of the nearest Portuguese naval port on the island of Faial in the Azores told the Wall Street Journal yesterday. “The temperature inside the ship is still high, but at least the crew can be on the main deck.”

As it so happens, the whole of the World Surf League Championship Tour will be in Portugal soon. Easy flights to the Azores. Easy paddles to felicity.

Who’s in?

Kanoa Igarashi?

A smoked Lamborghini would complement that gold chain nicely.

Tudor (in black) attempts to pull World Surf League's head from sand.
Tudor (in black) attempts to pull World Surf League's head from sand.

Surf champion Joel Tudor continues pounding World Surf League for answers about decimation of longboarding tour as biggest geopolitical crisis of our time reaches boiling point!

"Would love to say that’s all folks…but sadly we are still here with no answer or hope for a future!"

World champion longboarder Joel Tudor is back on the offensive, this morning, in response to the World Surf League’s most oft employed defensive strategy. Silence. Ears plugged with Joe Turpel flavored cotton candy silence. And while that particular sound of silence may be enough to head off other annoying this and thats, it is not enough to derail surfing’s great polemicist.

The biggest geopolitical crisis of our time sparked to life a handful of weeks ago when it was rumored that the World Surf League was considering and/or made up its hive mind to cut the longboard world tour from three stops to one.

Tudor, enraged by the possibility and especially after the WSL had leaned so heavily into women’s longboarding during its Pro Pipeline event, took to the public square and asked, “Yo @wsl @jessmileydyer @elo_eriklogan can y’all explain this kind of equality?”

Well, the aforementioned @jessimileydyer, who happens to be World Surf League commissioner Jessi Miley-Dyer, went straight to her desk, pulled out dusty paper and pen and wrote a letter to professional longboarders, declaring that their champion, Joel Tudor, was being “unhelpful and misleading” in a gaslit pyre that would have made even the most adept abusers green with jealousy.

Tudor proceeded to march up to the World Surf League’s Wall of Positive Noise and pound his 95-theses upon it then…


Until today.

Tudor is back with questions needing answering. Per his latest:

Yoooooooooo @wsl @elo_eriklogan @jessmileydyer a week away from March ..month 3 of the new year and still no plan for our existence within your organization! The reply letter we all received was laughable & insulting! Would love to say that’s all folks…but sadly we are still here with no answer or hope for a future! Beyond disrespectful and not very equality minded!


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A post shared by Joel Tudor (@joeljitsu)

How will the League respond?

The globe waits with bated breath.

Bombshell Netflix reality series confirms surf-hippy utopia Byron Bay’s descent into “a malignant nightmare… the spawn of unhinged neoliberalism and grinning hippy capitalists!”

"Byron is Abu Dhabi with cafes and warm-water peelers instead of air-con malls… an orgy of aimless consumption in the spiritual supermarket."

One year ago, and shortly before his untimely demise, Steve “Longtom” Shearer wrote movingly of the dramatic shift in tone of the holiday hamlet he’d spent most of his adult life living in.

In response to a Vanity Fair story on a gang of Instagram influencer mom-surfers –  murfers – in Byron Bay, Longtom wrote,

Six am and the carparks are packed.

Range Rover, Audis, idle in the carparks, the scent of diesel fumes wafts over the line-up. The serfs have had their hit, time to man and woman the cafes. Byron is Abu Dhabi with cafes and warm-water peelers instead of air-conditioned malls. Euro-babes and Brazilian studs do the coolie labour instead of South Asians.

It’s a monument to greed wearing a spiritual cloak. A glittering dream metastasized into a malignant nightmare. The bastard spawn of unhinged neoliberalism and grinning hippy capitalists running riot in an orgy of aimless consumption in the spiritual supermarket. Ayn Rand on a mid-length.

Now, a new Netflix reality series, “Byron Baes”, has confirmed the one-time surf hippy utopia’s desert into Longtom’s “malignant nightmare”, the eight-part docusoap following “a tight circle of friends as they navigate life, love and career.”

The fourteen influencers, which include models, creatives, a spiritual coach and marketers, hit Byron in an attempt to grown their biz’s and social followings.

Chaos ensues.

Tens of thousands more gallons of untreated sewage spew across Los Angeles and Orange County beaches as region suffers from second major spill in as many months!

Does no one think about the surfers?

The weather is, currently, cold and windy across Southern California making for lousy, choppy surf though those in Orange and Los Angeles Counties may be counting that lack as their only blessing as those beaches are shut for the second time in less than two months after a major sewage spill.

Authorities are blaming a blocked sewer line at a restaurant in Newport Bay, according to The Los Angeles Times, which spewed at least 50,000 of untreated poos and pees into the ocean water.

Beaches are currently closed to swimming, surfing, diving, and I’d imagine wading as various agencies begin testing the brine.

Gross but how many more spills will it take for the area’s swimmers, surfers, divers and waders to demand account for this nastiness?

Whose fault is it?

Gov. Gavin Newsom?

A fine enough place to begin.

Ex-President of United States, friend of Kelly Slater, Barack Obama nears completion of south Oahu family home culturally appropriated from Magnum P.I.!

History written by the winners etc.

The ex-President of the United States, and friend of Kelly Slater, Barack Obama appears to be nearing completion on his oceanfront south Oahu mansion, according to local news reports, as finishing touches are being applied to the landscaping. Purchased in 2015 for $8.7 million, the three-acre parcel will include three structures and two swimming pools.

Activists and stinkerdoodles have been making some noise and fuss about how the Obamas have found a loophole in some law or bylaw that will allow them to keep an environmentally damaging seawall in place. Those activists should be making a fuss about how the property was culturally appropriated from Magnum P.I. and was the actual Robin’s Nest where many crimes and mysteries were solved.

Robin's Nest.
Robin’s Nest.

The Obamas razed the property three years after purchase in a possible attempt to wipe the memory of Tom Selleck and his gorgeous Ferrari 308 GTS from history.

Robin's Nest today.
Robin’s Nest today.

A real shame.

Back to Kelly Slater, though, maybe the Obamas can invite him over for beach tacos once they are all moved in.