VF Corp CEO Bracken (left) tells Vans employee to beat
it. Photo: Bad Santa
Vans parent company celebrates annual
holiday mass sacking by shredding 500 workers ahead of
Christmas!
By Chas Smith
Ho ho ho!
It’s that most wonderful time of the year, the
joyous season when children make lists of what they wish to see
under the tree, old friends reunite over a warm mug of nog and Vans
parent company VF Corp holds its annual
mass layoffs. This year Christmas came early for 500
employees who were executed before the calendar even flipped to
December.
Likely dressed as jolly old Saint Nick, CEO Bracken Darrell
“looks to speed up the turnaround of the company’s Vans division
and overall North America business, while cutting costs,” according
to Shop Eat
Surf.
The official statement read, “As part of VF’s new Reinvent
strategy, and with the aim of improving operational efficiency, we
have eliminated approximately 500 salaried positions across the
company globally. While these decisions are never easy, they will
give us the financial flexibility to invest behind our brands and
better position us for long-term growth. We’re committed to
handling this restructuring with dignity and respect for all
involved and want to thank those impacted for their valued
contributions to VF.”
Like the sound of sleigh bells jing-jing-jingling.
But, quickly, what sort of name is “Bracken?”
Anyhow, back to Shop Eat Surf, “VF in the quarter ended Sept. 30
reported revenue of $3.03 billion, down 4% in constant currency.
The company’s net loss totaled $450.7 million, compared to $118.4
million net loss in the year-ago period, with the widening
partially attributed to the ruling on a tax case stemming from the
acquisition of Timberland.”
Woulda been a lot cooler if they acquired Timbaland instead.
Oh well.
Happy Holidays!
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"Jake Howard." Photo: A computer?
Sports Illustrated leaks possible “fake
AI-generated writer” into surf world!
By Chas Smith
All hell breaking loose.
The media landscape was rocked, yesterday, when
it was revealed that Sports Illustrated had published stories using fake
AI-generated writers. Our surf world, frankly, was
less than surprised as Sports Illustrated’s owner, The
Arena Group, also counts Surfer Magazine amongst its
titles.
There is, of course, no need to re-acquaint with Emily Morgan
who was introduced as Surfer’s new trending news writer
soon after The Arena Group acquisition. She enjoyed spicy food,
strong coffee walks with her dog and lived in the shadow of
Tennessee’s Smoky Mountains though was disappeared quickly after
her quirky AI-styled verbiage was called out.
Our surf world is small, however, and her ripple didn’t spread
beyond these shores.
The Sports Illustrated brouhaha, on the other hand, has
exploded. Major news outlets are covering the story with Sports
Illustrated’s own staff raging mad.
In a letter to ownership, the writers issued a public
statement reading, “We, the workers of the SI Union,
are horrified by a story on the site Futurism. If true, these
practices violate everything we believe about journalism. We
deplore being associated with something so disrespectful to our
readers. We demand answers and transparency from [parent group]
Arena Group management about what exactly has been published under
the SI name. We demand the company adhere to basic journalistic
standards, including not publishing computer-written stories by
fake people.”
Heavy.
And yet, one of those Sports Illustrated “fake people”
might have leaked into surfing. This morning a
piece titled “Highlights: Hawaii’s Black Friday Swell Delivers
Massive Surf On Maui” was published by “Jake Howard” who might
be described as a “neutral white young-adult male with short blonde
hair and blue eyes.”
“Seasoned big-wave surfers in Hawaii, from Kai Lenny to Mark
Healey, all described the giant northwest swell that hit the
Hawaiian Islands the day after Thanksgiving as unexpectedly big and
power,” it began. “Forecast models indicated it was going to be
big, but it’s always interesting when swell events like this exceed
expectations.”
Suspect certainly and more work must be done to uncover whether
this “Jake Howard” is real or simply a machine with cute dimples
and eyes that melt even the coldest of hearts.
The yeoman’s labor of true, honest, human surf journalism.
More as the story develops.
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Bobby Martinez (pictured) near sainthood. Photo: Morgan
Maassen
Tributes pour in for Bobby Martinez as
onetime surf tour standout’s bold prophecy fully manifests!
By Chas Smith
Come honor the legend.
Augury is not an easy game. The variables in
life, near infinite, can make a sure bet go very quickly sideways.
Oh it is easy for the average fella to mumble something they think
might happen in the future if this or that also occurs
etc. etc. with many caveats and hedges in place. It is equally
difficult to stand in front of the world, microphone in hand, and
prophesy loud enough for everyone to hear. For everyone to know
where the marker is and be able to hold account.
Over twelve years on, Bobby
Martinez’s presage there on the sands of New York
rings truer and truer and truer with each one that passes.
“I don’t want to be part of this dumb fucken wanna be tennis
tour.”
Now he could have said “I don’t want to be part of this dumb
fucken wanna be dog show.” Or he could have said, “I don’t want to
be part of this dumb fucken wanna be rodeo.”
But he did not. He said, very clearly, “I don’t want to be part
of this dumb fucken wanna be tennis tour.”
Surf Fans Bow Heads in Front of Bobby Martinez
Understandable, then, why tributes are pouring in today,
praising Martinez, offering fealty to his wisdom.
For hours ago, the sitting World Surf League CEO Cherie R. Cohen
(She/Her), who must not like that poisoned title so continues to
operate as “Global Chief Officer & Advisor,” took to social media
to declare “Our very own, takes the court. So proud of you Sarah
Swanson! Excited to collaborate. Surf + turf.”
Swanson held the position as the World Surf League’s Chief
Marketing Officer bringing us gems like “It takes a tour to make a
title” and the Bailey Ladder Leaderboard.
What cross pollination between tennis and surfing do you image
we’ll see as the new season gets underway?
Are you brave enough to loudly predict?
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"It makes no sense," writes Kelly Slater.
Kelly Slater questions “official narrative”
over Hamas’ massacre of Israeli citizens
By Derek Rielly
"How does an outpost get taken over close to the
concert hours before and nobody is tipped off? Makes no sense,"
writes Kelly Slater.
Many years ago, 2015 or thereabouts, Kelly Slater was
interviewed by the conspiracy theorist Luke Rudowski of
wearechange.org.
Briefly, Slater and Rudowski both agreed that 9-11 was most
likely an inside job (Zionists, CIA etc.), that Monsanto maybe has
their base in Hawaii in case of a zombie apocalypse, that the Zika
Virus was caused by genetically tuned mosquitoes, there’s a cancer
cure and maybe Kelly has it, and the importance of following
alternative media like wearechange.org.
These sorts of interviews used to enliven even my gloomiest day,
as if it was a fairy tale about the glorification of pumpkins.
Not everyone was so enamoured by the entertainment. The podcast
Surf Simply ran an episode, later pulled down ‘cause everyone got
real sad Kelly Slater was being teased, titled Calling Out
Kelly.
One of the show’s three hosts Ru Hill concluded,
“(Kelly Slater) is spreading fear, mistrust, scientific
illiteracy and guilt because if someone’s getting cancer or getting
sick he’s alluded in the past to connections in the past between
GMOs and autism. If your child’s getting leukaemia, autism, and
then you’re thinking that I might’ve caused this by what I’m
choosing to feed them, it’s just… awful. That is the reason why
Kelly Slater is no longer my hero.”
In his latest foray into the narrative challenging game Kelly
Slater responds to conservative commentator Charlie Kirk’s posit
that the under-siege right-wing government of Bibi Netanyahu issued
a stand-down order to the IDF for six hours.
“Israel was on the brink of cvil war,” says Kirk.
This allowed bad boys Hamas to go on a wild Jew-killin’ spree,
ostensibly as as strike on their Zionist enemy, but also ‘cause Hamas sure do like killing
Hebes. In turn, Bibi gets a spike in popularity as country unites
to defeat vicious enemy. Wins all round.
“That is a legitimate non-conspiracy question,” says Kirk.
“One thing that really threw me off, and I’ve asked a couple
Israeli friends about it to no clear answer… some of the concert
goers that got shot in their car but got away went to a military
outpost and were greeted only by Hamas militants there who had
taken over the outpost (and presumably killed everyone there).
“This car took off and everyone in it got shot but then they
sort of got away and the car died. They scaled a ten-foot fence and
ran for their lives and hid in the woods for hours.
“How does an outpost get taken over close to the convert hours
before the concert and nobody is tipped off? No alarms? No phone
calls or texts or anything from a secured area? It makes no
sense.”
North County, San Diego stepchild Ashton Goggans
(insert) displaying his keg. Photo: Instagram
Emily Ratajkowski identified as “Fatphobic”
throwing San Diego-area surfers into paroxysms of self-doubt!
By Chas Smith
Blame IPA.
North County, San Diego has two famous first
children and one almost famous third stepchild. Rob Machado and
Emily Ratajkowski as the former. Ashton Goggans
as the latter during those occasions when people mistake him for
Anthony Bourdain re-incarnate. This, here, above La Jolla, below
Camp Pendleton, is a simple life where the Hollywood gilt don’t
mean much. Hard-working salt of the earth folk who like their
bicycles electric and their coffee flat and white.
Regular dudes.
Except that Emily Ratajkowski.
Ooooooh as much as “the crew” likes to keep it “real,”
Ratajkowski’s perfect skin, her pouty lips make them all want to
give it up, move to Soho and crush that Loewe game.
BeachGrit regulars will remember when the model-actress
Encinitian became single one year ago. Swamis locals crawling all
over each other to win her hand first. Chris Cote re-thinking his
entire life.
Though she has gone on a series of A-list dates during that
time, the San Dieguito Academy alum has yet to settle down and
candles still flicker from Del Mar to Leucadia.
Except.
Emily Ratajkowski outed as “fatphobic” by Page Six
The svelte 32-year-old posted a photo to Instagram standing in
one leg of a plus-sized pair of jeans sending the hoi polloi into
an absolute furor.
“What in the fatphobic hell is that second picture … so
distasteful and disgusting…. how did anybody okay that,” one
wrote.
“Designers won’t make plus sizes unless it’s for a photo opp
where a thin person can be quirky,” another added.
Now, North County surfers don’t care about the social
implications of all that, but they do wonder if their drinking
habits are giving them a leg down in winning her hand.
IPA beer, you know, rules here. The fattiest beverage ever
crafted. And now Cardiff Reef rippers are peeling down wetsuits
after sessions and pinching tummies, wondering if the shot has been
blown.
Wondering if it can be melted away quickly with a switch to hard
kombucha.