Redeem your soul: Watch The Best Backside Tuberiding Instructional, like, ever!

Stop banging your head on the dashboard!

Who don’t got backside tube riding skills? All of you?

Yeah, me too.

I banged my head on the dashboard of that thing for years.

On a trip to the Ments half-a-doz years ago, I sorta got it. Just had to make sure the hole was big enough so I didn’t pop my lighter and ride the falls. All previous attempts had left me seeing colours I hit the windshield that many times.

I doubt, and I guess this has something to do with the scarcity of the experience, I’ve ever felt as… good… surfing as paddling into a six-ish foot left, real smooth green face, pushing the rail into the face (the knife!), watching the lip wrap around me, and sniffing around for a little while before eating dirt.

I’ve read and watched plenty of backside tuberiding tutorials. I’ve practised in the mirror. I’ve completed five campaigns at Teahupoo and never once been barrelled. I’ve had the best in the game try and finesse my movements.

But this, this gets it right.

And guess who’s teaching?

Yeah, Jamie O, who’s so casual in barrels you expect to see a needle hanging out of his arm.

This tute, from his YouTube channel, bookends neatly the post from an hour ago where Jamie collects his blindfolded pal Poopies between his thighs and drives him through six-foot Desert Point tubes.

Watch, examine, learn.


Watch Jamie O tandem blind-folded Poopies at six-foot Desert Point!

Followed by board transfers, pantie surfing etc.

I was sitting with my kid last night. Dinner and surf clips. It’s what the divorced dad does when he’s not signing ruinous financial agreements or rubbing his thing against women with sugary chocolate on their breath and dark patches of nose hair with snot strands caught inside.

Kid likes Jamie O. I get it. I like it too. Three jokes played back and forth, year after year. But Jamie’s got something. A chubby half-Australian redhead who looks like he eats nothing but caramel corn, Cheerios and half-a-gallon of ice-cream for breakfast.

This clip, which you’ll pull the horn chain on, is a year old, maybe more.

I missed it the first time around, you probs did too.

In it, Jamie O’Brien and his squad (more than thirteen in your entourage and it becomes a platoon), fly and drive to Desert Point on Lombok in Indonesia. The waves are very good. Jamie tandem surfs blindfolded with his sidekick Sean “Poopies” McInerney

Later, he and a pal board transfer their Catch Surfs at eight-foot Deserts.

The surfing is so so solid, so absolute, you’ll be surprised at your ability to concentrate so totally on the action.

(Note: skip the first six-and-a-half minutes otherwise you’ll go crazy.)

Watch: Conner, Bobby, Dane and Co beat hell out of Rincon in “Life is just a bowl of pits!”

A swinging five minutes of Channel Islands' R and D with full team in Santa Babs…

Let me tell you this. If you had said I’d be able to sit through five minutes of Rincon without wandering off to polish my teeth or prepare a breakfast of French fries, coffee and steak, I would’ve spat on my finger and rubbed it all over your face.

I ain’t kidding.

Lazy, slow-ish point, no hiccups or wedges to make it interesting.

Who’s got the time? Snapper don’t do much for me. And compared to the sparkling Gold Coast, Rincon is like an old man asleep at the back of the titty bar, smelling of alcohol and urine.

However, and I know you saw this coming, Channel Islands have constructed a video short of their team, Dane Reynolds, Conner Coffin, Bobby Martinez and so on, in good waves at Rincon and have jazzed it up with a forty-year-old song from all-black Detroit punk band Death called Politicians in my Eyes as well as a little time-lapse, drone angles and retro-cute fast-zooms.

The reveal of each riders’ board dimensions makes my nostrils widen for some reason, too.

Mental note: Must get ex-team boards of Dane Reynolds and Dane Gudauskas.

Watch: Dylan Graves and Tanner Gudauskas in “The Munich Beer Hall Putsch!”

Come to historic German city and world's most localised river wave!

What a rich history the German city of Munich has. If we swing back to November 1923, we would find a very young Adolf Hitler, a baby-ish thirty-four, and thousands of his fellow national socialists raising hell, killing cops etc.

All the gang was there. Göring. Hess. And so on.

It all went to seed, of course. Hitler was found guilty of treason and sent to the can for five years where he would write the best-seller Mein Kampf, Chas Smith’s inspiration, ninety years later, for an issue of Stab.

Five years after Hitler’s release, the nat socialists embarked on an ambitious program to rule the world, ceding the Pacific, including Australia and the USA, to the Japanese Empire.

It ended with a bang etc.

In this episode of the Vans series Weird Waves, Dylan Graves (dirty talk, hair swishing back and forth over bosoms, head butts etc) and Tanner Gudauskas visit the Bavarian capital and are fed a golden pass to the world’s most famous stationary wave.

Did you know the joint is crowded? That localism is a thing? That Kelly Slater got told to go home by an arch local known as the House Meister? And so on?

And watch a man nail a 360 shuv-it, that ain’t something you see every day on a river wave.


Watch: A jazzy behind-the-scenes look at Julian Wilson’s title showdown in “Close to a Dream !

How's it feel to to go splat at the final hurdle?

It takes a hell of a man, or gal, to survive the final lunge for a world title. A round one loss at boardriders and after convulsing with sadness I take my surfboard and go home to curl around my pillow.

This eleven-minute documentary, which was made by Julian’s best pal and filmer Jimmy Lees, is instructive in the simplicity of Julian’s world title campaign. Julian, who has just turned thirty, hangs out with wife, kid, changes nappies, goes for walks, surfs out the front at Pipe on days when others are too panicky to paddle out, and, eventually, makes the final of the Pipe Masters.

The title equation wasn’t difficult to understand.

If Gabriel made the final, didn’t matter what Julian did.

And Gabriel, who tormented his fellow competitors like a mosquito buzzing violently in your ear, did make the final, did win the title.

“Close to a dream,” said Julian.