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Hypothetical: Wade Goodall’s Ultimate Party!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

With invites designed by Basquiat, a documentary by Spike Jonze and Jake Donlen and a homosexual gang bang in the toilet!

Wade Goodall is a 28-year-old surfer from a sandy stretch of coastline just north of the Australian city of Brisbane. For many years he was a staple of Billabong’s marketing (Air guy! He crazy!) but now he shucks cheques from the sneaker brand Vans.

BeachGrit asked Wade to imagine a party without the limits of money or legalities…

BANDS: The Kooks, Phoenix and The Clash play in the day. Then Joy Division, Mastodon and Children of Boredom at night.

BEHIND THE DECKS: Bareback DJs (Leigh Sedley and Paul Fisher) but it’s more than likely there will be no DJ.

SONG PLAYED AS YOU WALK THROUGH THE DOOR: Oblivion by Mastodon.

SECURITY: No security. Do what you want except fight. If you fight you will be shot by the person you hate most at the party.

DESIGNER WHO KITTED YOU OUT: I’m not big on designers. If I like it I rock it whether it’s St Vincent De Paul or Louis Vuitton. But, Louis Vuitton sucks.

STRIPPERS ON THE POLES: Lots. Gothic.

BEER ON TAP: xxxx bitter, Coopers Pale, Tooheys New, VB, Carlton Draught, Super Dry, James Boags.
PRE-MIXED COCKTAI: Baileys. Mmmmm, creamy.

def tapes: wade goodall and friends from RUNAMUK VISUALS on Vimeo.

FIRST THREE PEOPLE LINED UP TO GET INSIDE: are the three people I didn’t invite – Satan, Kevin Federline and Bono.

CELEBS: Carl Barron, Jemaine and Bret from Flight of the Conchords, Richard Hell, Juno, Stephen Bradbury, The Mighty Boosh, Ruby Rose, Zoey Deschanel, LPJ (Loony Bin Jim), Natasha Khan from Bat for Lashes.

LESBIANS KISSING (NAME EM): Miranda Kerr and Megan Fox but then they decide they don’t like it and look for the guy throwing the party

HOMOS KISSING (NAME EM):  Kele Okereke (Bloc Party frontman) and Dame Edna.

GETTING PUMPED IN THE TOILET: Chad Kroeger from Nickelback by 14 black football players. He deserves it.

CATERING: Mango Deli and Jamie Oliver.

DIRECTOR (TO MAKE A DOCO ON THE NIGHT): Spike Jonze and Jake Donlen collaboration.

ARRIVE IN: the dog car from Dumb and Dumber, an ’84 sheep dog.

DRAPED ON YOUR ARM: Riding solo, options open.

DEALER: Red, from Pineapple Express.

IN THE ROPED-OFF VIP AREA: Everyone’s equal in my party. I’ll put an extra two portaloos where the VIP would be.

DOOR PRIZE: A beige set of bi-fold doors.

YOU LEAVE WITH: An amazing girl, if not a spew stained set-up.

GATECRASHERS: Are very welcome. God knows me and my friends have gatecrashed our fair share.

SPEECH: Public speaking sucks.

SURPRISE GUEST: Kurt Cobain.

AFTER PARTY: Select crew with an acoustic set by the Travelling Wilburys and Neil Young.

INVITE DESIGN: Jean-Michel Basquiat

SPONSOR: Donald Trump. I know he’s a suit but how the fuck else am I going to get the funds for this gig?