Climate change, bad luck, held responsible for Australia’s shark attack fatality crisis: “One centimeter to the left, if you get bitten on the leg, and you can die in seconds or minutes at least.”
Welcome to the rest of your life.
Start the presses: iconic surf filmmaker launches newspaper-style surf mag as bulwark against the great WSL/VAL cultural replacement: “The surf industry is in an embarrassing state; it’s the fatal structure of capitalism!”
A magazine called Acetone "dedicated to keeping alive alternatives to the internet and computers."
TMZ officially declares: “Surfing exploding during pandemic SHOPS CAN’T KEEP BOARDS IN STOCK!!!”
We need The Club.
New exhaustive study reveals surfing does not help parents in “any way, shape or form” when it comes to placing children in Ivy League schools!
Or wait...
Listen: Big-wave surfer Wayne Cleveland on how to buy, smuggle, cut and wholesale large quantities of Mexican cocaine: “At one stage, I sat down and I had $2.5 million in front of me. It took forever to count.”
"Wayne Cleveland's house is awash with cash."
Watch: Massive Great White Shark rips seal in half inches from shore, in inches of water, while shocked beachgoers flee for their lives!
Cape Cod is not for lovers.
Listen: BeachGrit reels under recent accusation. “Your audience is made up largely of middle-aged white male nihilists!”
Ja, we believe in nothing.
Visit: Denmark’s “Cold Hawaii” sees massive surfing boom while the world is locked down with heavy Covid-19 travel restrictions!
Envy.
Breaking: Multiple extra-large Great White Sharks refuse to leave Santa Cruz setting up potential clash between two of nature’s most dangerous creatures!
Clash of the titans.
Nicest man in surfing, Ace Buchan, goes after meanest industry on earth: “It’s fine for us to kind of sit back and shake our heads at what’s happening with, say, Donald Trump in America, but people are doing the same [here] … the influence of fossil fuel in our politics, it’s just crazy.”
There will be blood.
Australia’s Great White crisis: “Esperance is the sharkiest place in the world right now… these are big, big sharks…they’re eating humans like seals. It feels like we’re being hunted!”
"If people knew how many people are bumped off boards, how many Whites we’re seeing close to shore, they’d be shocked.”
Warshaw on best surf fiction ever written: “I’m really quite cute… the only thing that worries me is my bosom. It sure looks good when I’m undressed, but I have a hard time making it count in a sweater”
"Great surf characters rise up across the acres of surf fiction like wild mushrooms after a three-day rain, some delicious, others poisonous…"
