As Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady hire divorce lawyers, surf fans light candles in hope that Brazilian supermodel and 11x champion Kelly Slater rekindle sizzling romance!
GOAT jumping.
Mark Zuckerberg’s wife appears to regret family pivot to combat sport; shrieks while blood squirts likely reminiscing about Kai Lenny’s wholesome surf hot!
"Take this filth away!"
Surfer dragged from jaws of Great White by impossibly brave husband shifts to boxing following severe nerve damage and partial paralysis of bitten leg, “I was just really sick of feeling like I couldn’t function”
Anytime she thinks about the attack “I’m hit with low grade nausea and panic. And that just comes at me day after day, after day."
Quit-lit: “If you want to surf forever, how do you do it? How do you keep it new and fresh? Is it a worthy or even possible pursuit?”
"I like the idea that longboarding is out there, waiting for me."
Buoyed by unprecedented success, World Surf League CEO takes opportunity to mock elderly owner of Dallas Cowboys for using outdated technology!
Jerry Jones uses a FLIP PHONE?
Jack Johnson receives restraining order against scary female fan who insists on buying three-figure VIP “meet and greet” tickets at surf crooner’s shows!
Capitalism.
Surfer brutally attacked by shark in California’s famed marijuana-growing country marking first such incident in memory!
Unchill.
UFC superstar Paddy “The Baddy” Pimblett in bruising hour-long encounter with legendary big-wave surfer Laird Hamilton, “Pipeline is the most violent beach in the world!”
A steamy two-part rendezvous!
In draconian flex not seen since Scottish hero William Wallace disemboweled by English king circa 1305, sitting longboard champ Joel Tudor confirmed disallowed to defend crown!
Will you fight?
World Surf League executives openly weep at lost opportunity as one-time enthusiast Mark Zuckerberg completes pivot to combat sport, feted front row at UFC Fight Night 211!
Oh what might have been.
As Brazilians head to polls for “historic” election some fear might tip country into chaos, surf champ Gabriel Medina reminds panicked public that he is single and ready to mingle!
"I am a good catch!"
Fears mount over potential for Olympian deaths at Paris 2024’s extreme surf venue Teahupoo, “The danger zone is everywhere, everywhere!”
"I think if you continue to do what you’re doing, you’re gonna die."