In stunning twist, mainstream media surmises that stickers reading “Jonah Hill ruined surfing” are, in reality, an extra nasty dog whistle for body shamers!
Body shamers are the worst.
Bombshell “ethical fashion report” lambastes heritage surf brands Quiksilver, Billabong and Roxy for failures in human rights monitoring, environmental sustainability and more!
Patagonia, meanwhile, scores “A+” in multiple categories and Rip Curl surprises with stunning grade!
Prince of Malibu Jonah Hill stumbles upon sticker claiming he ruined surfing, bravely lashes haters: “I will never stop doing things that make me happy no matter how insecure my happiness makes you.”
Ultra Sensitive Surf Candy.
After decades of pitched, often violent, argument issue is finally settled with “Best Surf Team in History of Surf Industry” going to Body Glove ’82 cast featuring Ian Cairns, Matt Warshaw, Pete Townend and more!
GOAT
The existential crisis facing surf locals post-coastal gentrification, “If this was twenty years ago we’d have knifed his tyres and beat the shit out of him. Problem is, you can’t do that sort of thing anymore”
Still, y'gotta do what y'gotta do…
World Surf League CEO Erik Logan completes transition to heartthrob, becomes November centerfold for hometown “Southbay Magazine” with smoldering yet wistful stare, delicately dripping Caesar haircut!
Hot, hot heat.
Well-known pro surfer-shaper avoids jail after being busted with “hundreds of sick images of children being raped and abused in other unthinkable ways.”
“By downloading and amassing a collection of indecent images, (he) has played a part in fuelling a horrific industry.”
Jane Fonda headlines anti-offshore drilling protest in oil-slicked Laguna Beach, urges fiery supporters not to blame oil and gas workers: “They work in an industry that helped build this country!”
Surfline Man builds fitness in readiness for big winter swells: “There’s a BJJ studio nearby, but it all sounds so sweaty. Also, he has trouble with the name. It just looks so much like blowjob.”
The winter swells are coming! Surfline Man has to do something! He can’t just sit here on the couch.
Surf Journalist takes brief detour on the road to fight greatness, re-visits Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch to face other erstwhile nemesis, fix kinks in surf game!
All Gogganses beware.
Tuesdays with Morey: An old surfer, a young surfer and life’s greatest adventure.
"I had never met a man as dynamic as Tom."
Waikiki surfboard racks set spectacularly ablaze for second time in less than two years: “We saw the flames all the way from Aloha Towers. I asked my husband, ‘What if the whole island catches fire?'”
A total loss.