Pam Reynolds the French bulldog owned by Dane Reynolds and Courtney Jaedtke
"You have to learn to read a man and know when he's lookin' for fun and when what he really needs is for you to hold hims so he can cry his eyes out like a babe," says Pam. What else? "You have to learn how to listen." | Photo: Courtney Jaedtke


Advice straight from the French Bulldog owned by Mr Dane Reynolds and Ms Courtney Jaedtke (with audio!)

So here’s Pam, drinking strawberry Yoo-Hoos and sitting on a satin-covered beanbag chair, tellin’ how it is. “You have to learn to read a man and know when he’s lookin’ for fun and when what he really needs is for you to hold hims so he can cry his eyes out like a babe.” What else? “You have to learn how to listen.”

Write to Pam at [email protected] 


Dear Pam,

You said you crush Beyonce harder than JayZ. What’s up with those guys anyhows? I want to know if Solange was justified in that whipping of the boy, elevator. Pam, you got insider traffic? 

Monica, Denver



Dear Pam,

I have way to much anxiety. I am anxious when I put on my shoes, I am anxious when I talk to people, I am anxious when I order a burrito. All I want to do is be a badass. What do I do?

Love, Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate



Ayo Pam!

I have only one question and this is. How can I be cool like you? 

Sincerely, Ashree



Dear Pam,

My girlfriend say I smoke too much weed. What’s too much weed and should I break up with her?

Medicinal Only, CA



Dear Pam,

What kinda bullshit gets the girls, Pam, like, seriously? I’m 25 and I ain’t got game.

Freddie, Lakeside.


WHO IS PAM? Pam Reynolds is a four-year-old French bulldog born on a ranch in Oregon, but left at the age of 13 weeks for a more fast paced life in Southern California. She currently resides in Carpinteria where she enjoys modelling, hunting and fashion. Her motto? LIVE FAST DIE YOUNG BULLDOGS DO IT WELL. Send your questions to [email protected] If you want to see Pam answer ‘em live, send an audio file. Get to know Pam on IG @pamlovesferrariboys

Nathan, John and Ivan Florence
Ok, what kinda hierarchy exists tween these bro's. "John's obviously way ahead of me and Ivan performance-wise, I feel like," says Nathan. "He has the super competitive drive. He loves the contests whereas I… hate contests. I can't stand them. I'd rather chase a swell and surf by myself in bigger waves than go grind it out in the CT. Ivan's the same way, kinda. But then, Ivan has a sicker style. His style is way sicker me or John's. We each have our little pluses. John is a super human." | Photo: The Florence family archives


…for big waves, presidential primaries and the possibility of becoming superman… 

Twenty-ish years old and already the middle Florence bro has accumulated much street wisdoms. He ain’t one for getting looped but ain’t afraid of a beer or two either. He realises the gift his big bro has for gals (even if John don’t) and his eyeballs will protrude and oscillate wildly when he sees big waves.

BeachGrit likes! Let’s French!

What are your favourite sounds? 

I like the sound of the waves when I go to sleep. We grew up directly opposite the beach and it was always there. You don’t even realise that you like that sound until you stay the night somewhere where you can’t hear it. It’s an addicting sound. It’s a rumbling. There’s a constant static roar and then you’ll hear the sets break… purrrraaah… yeah, that must’ve been a big one. If it’s really big and you can really hear the big ones and the windows shake a little bit, that excites me. It’s a little harder to sleep when you know it’s going to be big in the morning and then it’s calming when it’s summertime and it’s just hitting the beach… super slow.

Tell me about where you live now…

We live directly next to the lifeguard stand at Pipe, right on the beach. My bedroom is in the middle. I share a bedroom with my younger brother Ivan. We have a bunk bed. He’s in the top bunk, I’m on the bottom bunk. It’s a little cave.

In your reading, what books have moved you? 

It’s hard to explain books because after you read one, you’ll always say that was the best book I’ve ever read. But then you read the next one and you’re, like… that one… was the favourite book I’ve ever read. Then you read another one and that is. As you read the next one you forget about the one before. I’ve never read a book I didn’t like ’cause after the first chapter, if I don’t like it, I just put it down. The ones that I finish are the ones that instantly drag you in. I read all the Game of Thrones books. I finished ’em a couple of months ago. Those things are… so… sick. I seriously finished them in a month, I read every one, there’s seven of ’em.

When do you read? 

Right before I go to bed or after surfing, whenever you have time to relax and lay down for a second. Especially in airports. That’s when you really fly through them. I get through, in a session, maybe a hundred pages. I never fall asleep reading. People say they get sick reading in a car but that’s my favourite time to read cause car rides are… boring.

What book inspired you to read when you were a child? 

The first book I read, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when I was in third grade (six years old). Before that I hated reading. My teacher gave it to me and said, just read this book, maybe you’ll be more psyched on reading after this And I read it, and there’s like seven of those, and, she was right, I …so… psyched on it. And… boom… I read all that series. My grandpa reads a ton so he’s always sending me the books he finishes. He likes the same kinds of books that I like.

What is heaven for you? 

When the waves are firing at home in late winter. Pipe’s going off and everyone’s tired of surfing already ’cause it’s been, like, a week and it’s me and my friends cruising and we’ve surfed all day and relaxing, drinking a couple of beers. You look around, well, I do anyway, and say, yup, this is exactly how I want to live.

What is the most remarkable thing you’ve seen in big waves? 

I’ve seen some crazy stuff John’s done in person. John’s always blowing minds getting barrels. Koa’s last wave in Tahiti was pretty baffling. The Code Red swell (August 27, 2011) was the sickest thing I’ve ever seen in big waves. I love how they’re all eating shit on ’em. And these are the types of waves when people make ’em everyone says, “Oh, if you’d fallen you would’ve died for sure.” But, then, those guys were eating shit on the gnarliest waves possible and surviving perfectly. Nate’s (Fletcher’s) wave. Think about it. If he had made that wave, everyone would’ve said, “There’s no way you would’ve survived if you hadn’t made it. You would’ve died, f’sure.” But he ate shit in the gnarliest part and then…fucken… handled it. That’s the sickest part. When they get the bomb, travel, travel, travel and then… eat… shit. Wipeouts are my favourite.

Does it give you confidence in your own pursuit of big waves seeing guys eat shit and nothing happening? 

Definitely. Whenever you’re going into a big swell, your mind is…it’s a constant little stress case mind battle, I could die, I could die, I could die, but then the thing about those guys is that’s way gnarlier than anything I’ve ever surfed so it’s fate whether you die or not. You don’t have a choice. Those guys were surviving, so fuck…

What’s the gnarliest wave you’ve ridden? 

Surfing Chopes. I haven’t had gnarly tow in experience out there, really, eating it really bad on a big one, but just the paddling sessions I’ve had with my brothers and Koa (Rothman) and Eli (Olson) and Kiron (Jabour), those have been the scariest. And surfing Himalayas. We got caught inside on a fucking 30-footer last winter and that was the gnarliest thing I’ve ever been through. I made it through the back but I watched Eli get sucked over the falls on the biggest wave ever. Hollllly shit!

How would you describe the hierarchy between the three brothers? 

We’re all even to each other. John’s obviously way ahead of me and Ivan performance-wise, I feel like. He has the super competitive drive. He loves the contests whereas I… hate contests. I can’t stand them. I’d rather chase a swell and surf by myself in bigger waves than go grind it out in the CT. Ivan’s the same way, kinda. But then, Ivan has a sicker style. His style is way sicker me or John’s. We each have our little pluses. John is a super human.

Describe Ivan’s style. 

I don’t even know how he’s so smooth, like, Tom Curren and then he has that little drop-knee like…that guy…that air guy… with the long, curly hair and he kinda drop knees…

Craig Anderson…

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he has a sick little drop-knee thing…

How would you describe the personality types of the brothers? 

Ivan is a serious little guy. Very serious little face. I’m more of the sarcastic one who’s making a joke out of everything and then John is just right in between. He can be super mature, just ’cause he has to deal with so many interviews and business-like stuff, but then at the same time he’s more immature than me and Ivan… especially when he gets drunk.

What does he do when he’s boozed? 

He looks like a little kid. He looks like a five year old.

What’s the worst insult you’ve ever received? 

I’ve never been super super rousted or else I didn’t even take it to heart.

What’s the cruellest thing John or Ivan has said to you? 

I can tell you the cruellest thing ever done to me. When I was 10, John threw a rock at my face and knocked out all my front teeth. It was completely by accident. He meant to throw the rock at me but he didn’t mean to knock out all my teeth. He threw it from 50 feet away. He had perfect aim somehow. I was bodysurfing and he wanted to go up to the house and I said I wanted to stay bodysurfing and then he wanted to get my attention so he started throwing rocks at me. I remember, he was 50 feet away and he winged it, and I watched it arc up and I was looking at it and I was, like, ooh, that kinda looks like it’s coming at me and it was, like, shit, it’s going to hit me and before I could even try and dodge it the thing just smashed into my mouth. I was crunching and I thought the rock had broken on my teeth so I spit it all out and it was all my teeth. I ran up to the house…

What did Alex do? 

She was all pissed. We put ice on my teeth but all the nerves were exposed so the ice hurt super bad and then John got a spanking or something. He got rousted super hard for that one. I felt bad for him.

If you ever wanted to get under John’s skin, how would you insult him? 

Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm. By telling him he was cocky.

He doesn’t like that? 

No, he doesn’t like that. Telling him he’s number one, “Oh, sorry, sorry, John, you’re number one, you’re the guy, we’re sorry!” (Laughter) That’s upsetting to him. He tries to play it down, “Oh, you’re the guy, you’re the guy.” But he knows it’s half-true so he can’t deny it…compleeeetly… but he doesn’t want to be, he’s so modest that he gets super irritated that someone thinks he’s cocky.

What’s right with the world? 

I have no idea what’s right with the world? What do you think is right with the world?

I think what’s right with the world is that everyone is richer beyond their wildest imaginations and kids aren’t crippled with polio and there’s no world war…

…that’s true…

…and there hasn’t been a nuclear explosion in 80 years… 

Mmmmhmmm. Those are all pluses.

…and Obama’s president… 

You think so?

Oh, I do. 

I’ve never thought about presidents at all. I never focus on such things.

To me, it indicates the strength of American society when it elects someone as intellectual as Obama…twice…

I was actually thinking it would be sick if they chose the president by a Gladiator’s tournament. The guys have to be super smart but super good at warfare fighting stuff, too. Like they have to fight their way to the top. They put ’em through a maze kinda thing straight into a battle thing so that our president would be, like, the gnarliest fighter and (italics) the smartest. Then there’s not some guy just giving orders. He could go and destroy (italics) if he wanted to.

What do you like most about yourself? 

I seem to be able to get along with people. I guess that’s a plus.

What do you find hard? 

Airs. I can’t do airs, surfing.

At what level can’t you do airs. Can you land a straight air, a little air rev or are you bereft of wings?

I’ve landed three air reverses in my whole life.

Where does the problem lay, in the mechanics or the lack of desire?

First, I never thought of them. I didn’t care about ’em and then the way people started doing airs, like John, Matt and Albee, those things are actually nuts and then I started trying to do airs. And I just realised that I was a complete  failure at them. The mechanics are foreign to me. I can get myself in the air but no matter what, when I land on my board, I’m eating shit.

Is there anything you wonder about?

I wonder why I can’t be a super hero.

Do you want to be a super hero? 

Yeah. I would like to be Superman. I wonder why there’s none of those in the world. No straight super-humans. How sick would that be?

Oh, it would be a thrill!

I’m bummed I can’t be a super… human. Like the Spartans in Halo or straight Superman himself: laser vision, indestructible. How sick would that be? There’s nothing like that, there’s no way you could possibly beat that.

I wonder if life might seem unsatisfying without danger or fear.

I guess that’s true. There’d have to be some flaw involved. But I think it would be amazing, too. If you ever got frustrated you could destroy whole trees. You could destroy an entire village (with nobody in it).

That would be satisfying. 

Yes, that would be satisfying.

You are so wise for a professional surfer. 

(Mid-level shriek) Ha!

I don’t think I’ve ever encountered such wisdom…

Thank you, sir.

(Editor’s note: This story appeared in a slightly longer form in the print edition of Stab magazine. Again, we repackage an recycle! Like Jon Rose and his magic water! And Vissla, of course!) 

Chas Smith and Richie Vaculik
Fighting is the least pretty of games. Ain't a man who exits battle with his dignity intact. But sometimes, y'just gotta stand there and hit back. Chas Smith prefers sexin' to fightin'. But he ain't adverse to the concept of defending honour. Here, we see Chas and his instructor the UFC warrior (and very good surfer) Richie Vaculik. | Photo: Rod Owen (


MMA fighter Richie Vaculik shows how to retain a little dignity in the most undignified game of all… 

I am not a fighter by nature. Most modern men aren’t. Evolution has canceled our need to fight for the most desirable woman, thereby dulling our desire. Desirable women will just as soon go with bandy armed artists as beach-muscled Hercules.

But. There comes a time in every bandy armed artist’s life when he must step up and be counted. Your best friend in the world is about to be pounced upon. Your girl is being called a slut.

Here comes a time to fight.

Men who have not fought fear what they don’t know. Fear the degrees of potential and actual pain. To help enlighten I step onto two different mats with MMA champion, Bra Boy and fearless surfer Richie Vas. First, Brazilian jiu-jitsu then kickboxing. I assume Richie does not go full but I try to incite. I lead with my head. I slap. He causes me pain.

How it feels to be hit in the head with a 16-ounce boxing glove: It is a dull thud that rattles thoroughly. The pain, and force, travels down the back of the neck and into the middles. My head felt full of cotton the next day. My face was puffy. It deadens the reflexes. I fell to the ground after a series of punches simply because I could not move my legs properly.

How it feels to be hit in the body with a 16-ounce boxing glove: Sharp and more painful, initially, though less debilitating than a head shot. Body blows take a toll, over time, and it becomes difficult to breathe fully. Or stand upright.

How it feels to be kicked in the kidneys: Of all the blows, this one angered me the most. Or caused anger to rise in me. I was not mad at Richie, of course. It wasn’t a cheap shot, of course. But the kidney kick made me want to bite at him. I wanted to head butt.

How it feels to be hit with an MMA fingerless glove: The pain is not dull but sharp. It stings. Stars and tears in the eye, instant. It causes a headache and a bruise. It hurts like a bare fist.

How it feels to be in a guillotine: (The guillotine is jiu-jitsu move where the head is locked, while standing. Wind and blood are cut off). I came in, head first. Richie grabbed around my neck and raised his body straight. It felt like imminent death. Instantly I was caught ‘tween earth and sky with not one good outcome. I could not think of what to do to get out of it. Every move felt wrong. If I tried to raise myself choking would get worse. I would have to carry Richie. If I fell down I would dangle on the noose around my neck. And room for lucid thoughts quickly gets crowded. I gagged. I laughed. I almost passed out.

How it feels to be arm barred: (When joints are bent the wrong way). Richie had me on the mat and my left elbow ready to break. It felt very not good. It hurt, badly. A torturous sort of hurt followed by a panic that rushes in at the thought of a useless, dangling wing. I didn’t like. All fight was chased out of me. I simply wanted to leave.

How it feels to Brazilian Jiu Juistu: Each move is tedious and meant to render the opponent totally useless. Initially it is not so scary, as, say, fist fighting. But once on my back with Richie’s hands searching to break my will, it felt worse than scary. I felt not manly and not competent. I had always assumed that the taller man is at serious disadvantage on the ground. But Brazilian master Bruno told me it is not true. A thin man with length can put opponents in positions where height leverage can be employed. I tested, with Richie’s permission and compliance. It worked! I could pop his head off by stretching him to my own height. A revelation!

How it feels to kick box: Richie stood an arm’s length away with a full arsenal of potential. Any move could render me paralysed. I neither fear nor run from pain. But it was difficult to stand, toe-to-toe, and watch a fist come flying at eyes. My reflexes were not nearly up to the challenge. To fight, at all properly, eyes must be kept on the opponent. Which means all the punishment is seen before it is felt. A double helping. It is said, in war, that the bullet you don’t hear is the one that enters you. Kickboxing is not the same. Everything is seen, and then enters. Until all goes dark.

How it feels to pass out: A rush of well-being. It is finished.

Now, let me tell you how to fight…

How to throw a punch: Keep your jaw tucked behind your off shoulder. Like, pretend you are holding something between chin and shoulder. Awkward but important. Fists up in front of chin. Feel out distance with off arm. Punch straight with strong. Elbows tucked in. If the elbows are out they telegraph punch. Swing from the hips. Twist and throw. It all starts with the footwork. Don’t windmill. Keep your eyes on the chest of your opponent.

How to take a punch: Best not to take one but if you have to? Brace for it. Keep jaw shut. Keep your jaw shut.

Best first move: First and best dressed. It is best to throw the first punch or attack first. Aim true and throw straight. Again, don’t windmill. A punch thrown wide and wild will not do any damage. But a gentleman’s way to stop a fight is with a choke hold. Less can go wrong. Getting someone in a submission hold is more polite.

Worst place to get hit: Temple, jaw. It rolls your brain and then you knock out.

I surfed with perry farrell!

Or, Celebrities! They're just like US!

I surfed with Perry Farrell this afternoon. He used to front Jane’s Addiction before starting Lollapalooza before fronting Porno for Pyros before fronting Dobel tequila. He wore a shortsleeved fullsuit. I wore an Xcel vest (Hawaii has taken deep root in my heart).

The waves were small but fun, the water warm, the sun too hot. We bobbed next to each to each other waiting for set waves, which took forever to appear. He caught some lefts. I caught some lefts. I couldn’t see how good his backhand approach was (he is a regular foot) because I always waited for the better waves but I could see his head moving very very very slowly down the line. He rode a thick, too long egg. I rode my wife’s (and Dane Reynolds’) Neck Beard.

Kelly Slater Invitational

The surfing celebrity is always a wonder to behold, in nature, because surfing is humiliating and I have never really seen a celebrity surfer actually shred. God bless them for trying, not because our favorite pastime needs A-list (or in Perry Farrell’s case F-list?) endorsement, but simply because surfing is also fun and celebrities, whichever alphabetical perch they inhabit, are more than welcome to partake. And in any case, I’d rather watch Perry Farrell than you. He has a great voice.

Afterward, he put on a broad brimmed straw hat. His wife, with fake breasts and red lipstick, yelled at their kids. No one mainlined heroin. It was a great day.

Watch! Kolohe Andino and the Best TV Ad Ever!

Kolohe orders pizza inside six-foot Tahitian tube. For reals!

Three weeks ago, the writer Chas Smith reported on the making of a Visa commercial at Teahupoo and starring the Californian Kolohe Andino.

Chas wrote: “The television commercial really is top secret, though corporate veils cannot block an island’s rumour mill. They say that the woman in charge is mean, like Anna Wintour, and fires multiple people a day sending them home in shame. They say the giant, agitated crew of 70 eats so much that a food shortage lurks. They say that the commercial is for the Super Bowl. They say that its narrative arc includes Kolohe ordering a pizza on a cell phone while standing in a heaving tube.

He zipped by me on a ski, while I was sitting in the channel, mouth agape. He did not stop to say hi but his eyes appeared very mischievous. I could almost feel him spending the thousands of dollars I owe Visa. His friends may call him “Corpo” but his name really means “li’l rascal” after all.”

And now, here it is.

The narrator, whose voice is a beautifully deep, perhaps even African-American baritone,  patches us in: “Visa checkout is the easier way to pay online… But can Kolohe Andino really pay for pizza inside one of the heaviest waves in the world?”

Of course!

All the cynicism and capitalist envy in the world ain’t going to blunt the fact that this is as good and as audacious and as clever as anything manifested tween surf and mainstream.