Remember when I used to make fun of the World Surf
League for being super poor and super cheap? Well those
days might be over! In the past two weeks Speaker and co. have
unveiled two major deals with such adjectival flair!
The first is with almost luxury watch company Tag Heuer
(pronounced like Josh Hoyer) who signed on as “The Official
Timekeeper of the Big Wave Tour.” This move is slightly strange
because our inside source says that the WSL is trying to outright
kill the BWT but whatever, right? Money is money is money!
Tag Hoyer will use the tagline #dontcrackunderpressure and push
out Tweets and Instas to the #kids in #newportbeach and
#notjacksonvilleflorida. WSL CEO Paul Speaker issued an ecstatic
press release. “When the WSL acquired the Big Wave Tour and Big
Wave Awards, we believed it was an opportunity to elevate some of
THE MOST INSPIRING SPORTSMEN ON THE PLANET and their PASSIONS to a
bigger stage. This elevation has not only seen a SURGE IN ATTENTION
to this INCREDIBLE SPORT but has also provided the League with the
opportunity to partner with WORLD-CLASS ENTITIES. We’re THRILLED to
announce TAG Heuer as the Official Timekeeper of Big Wave
surfing…”
The second is with iconic auto brand Jeep. As of today, Jeep is
the official car of the WSL and naming rights partner of both the
men’s and women’s tour. This means the Samsung Galaxy Men’s World
Tour will now maybe be called the Samsung Galaxy Jeep Grand
Cherokee Men’s World Super Tour Feat. Tiesto and DJ
Snake. Paul Speaker, once again, seems over the moon, saying, “The
WSL is a sport built on the back of the PIONEERING, PROGRESSIVE and
INNOVATIVE spirit and it is this common DNA that we share with the
iconic Jeep brand. Coming off a RECORD-SETTING 2014, the sport of
professional surfing has NEVER BEEN IN A STRONGER POSITION, in and
out of the water. We are HUMBLED and GRATIFIED that a brand with
the UMPARALLELED HERITAGE and authenticity of Jeep shares our
vision for the WSL.”
It is unclear, at this early stage, if both the Tag Hoyer and
Jeep deals were finalized in the Sahara Tent at Coachella. It is
unconfirmed that balloons filled with nitrous oxide were floating
within easy reach. There is also no evidence, as of yet, if the
MDMA was in liquid or tablet form. Stay tuned!
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10 surfers with the best senses of
humor!
By Chas Smith
Surfing can be drab but to a brave few it
ain't!
As totally silly as surfing is, most
professional surfers are deadly serious about the craft. So
serious, in fact, that they think of it as a “craft.” It is not
funny, to them. It is not an utter waste of time while the world
burns. It is not a less relevant version of synchronized swimming.
But to a brave few it is! And without further ado, here are the top
10 surfers with the best senses of humor!
10) Kelly Slater: In a totally shocking move,
Kelly Slater, the very face of professional surfing, has a wild
sense of humor. It is totally bizarre and sometimes hard to codify
but so was Andy Kaufmann’s! Andy wrestled girls and not that many
people understood. Kelly does so many weird things and maybe he’s
not trying to be funny but I think he is! I think Kelly is in on
the joke!
9) Hector Santamaria: Hectorch is an amazing
Puerto Rican who can see auras and also qi and also adds “ch” to
the ends of many words. He is also hilarious. Brendan Buckley from
Surfing magazine told about the first time he met young Hector. It
was in the water at Lower Trestles, a not funny wave, and he heard
a siren and he thought, “What the heck?” And so he paddled to the
siren and saw Hector sitting in the line-up, without friend,
throwing water on his head and howling. People were yelling at him
to shut up. Hector would yell back, “You don’t pay my bill-ch!” Now
that’s funny.
8) Taj Burrow: Almost as shocking as Kelly, Taj
has been on the World Tour for 37 years and should be jaded and
bummed and over worked. But he is a fresh little daisy. He is
funny-ish and fun and a little uncomfortable around me because,
like most surfers, thinks I am totally going to screw him somehow,
but still smiles and still laughs and still makes jokes and still
makes me smile. He just beat a 16 year old in Bali. And
laughed!
7) The Hobgoods: Both CJ and Damo are very
good people but also hilarious! Who would have ever guessed it,
coming out of Florida but there you have it. They are my favorite
people on earth, outside my own family, and have the seventh best
senses of humor too. What a combo!
6) Kolohe Andino: You’d think Kolohe would be a
wet rag! You’d think the weight of the world on his shoulders would
bog him into a humorless existence but Kolohe is always hilarious
and always self-aware and always goofy. He has a great sense of
humor.
5) Danny Fuller: He shocks me. He is a model,
artist, North Shore fixture. How do those things work together? I
have no idea. He is also light and funny. For some reason, I run
into Danny in the strangest places at the strangest times. I have
run into him on Montauk. And at Disneyland. Each time we laugh. He
is funny. And somehow a total tough guy. And model. And artist.
4) Luke Davis: If you only follow Luke on
Instagram you think “Narcissistic pretty boy!” But he is completely
aware of his own shtick and very funny about it all. Luke is good.
He is great. And he is funny.
3) Peter Mel: Big Wave Pete is one of the
funniest I have ever met. He came up to me, on the sands of Snapper
Rock, many years ago and said, “I love what you do…the pushing
buttons and the fashion…” Peter Mel should not have loved what I
“do.” He should have hated, like his compatriot Mike “Snips”
Parsons. But he is as light as air and wonderful!
2) Sterling Spencer: He is as witty, funny and
funny. His comedy routine does not get old. It, in fact, ages like
a fine wine. The surf world is better because of Sterling Spencer.
We are all better, including Jeremy Flores.
1) Mason Ho: Just Google him. Naked and really
funny! As far as BeachGrit is concerned, the funniest!
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Help: Joe Crimo wants his face back
By Chas Smith
Surfing legend tires of the tattoos.
I once married an aspiring Broadway actress. It
was not very fun. I had to go and watch many performances of
Grease, Into the Woods, Funny Girl,
The Marvelous Wonderettes and Twang!! It ended,
mercifully, in divorce.
Joe Crimo once tattooed his entire face. It might have been fun
at the moment because he was addicted to meth but, now it is not
and he wants them gone.
In case you have never heard of Joe Crimo, shame. He is a
pioneer who did all sorts of airs in the mid 1990s, long before
airs were the norm. His were often tweaked and not because he was
on speed, because he wasn’t at that time, but tweaked because they
were inverted and wild. He also did pop shuv-its and other skatey
things.
On land he lived fast and his fast living started very much
earlier than yours or mine. He grew up in East Los Angeles and his
brothers were in gangs and going to jail. “I started smoking lots
of rock cocaine at age nine. It’s just what we did,” he says.
He got shot, at some point, and moved to the San Clemente,
starting surfing and cleaned up. But the wheels fell off,
eventually, and he traded rock cocaine in for meth and went to jail
many times. He learned to tattoo, during the dark years, and
tattooed his own face while looking in a mirror or sometimes not.
“Sometimes I just did guess shots,” he says.
A tattooed face is a difficult cross to bear, more difficult
than a Broadway wife maybe, but then again maybe not. In any case,
Joe is trying to get them removed via a Gofundme campaign. “Tattoos
on the face are not the best way to get a job, Joe has ben shut
down to society, work, living and the way people judge him, any
advice are help to get the tattoos removed from Joes face and hands
will be highly appreciated, thank you,” the website says.
Have you ever made a bad decision? Have you ever had to sit
through a Saturday matinee of Sunday in the Park with
George while the surf is pumping? Help Joe
here.
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"What's appealing, to me, about boxing is the heart it
takes to fight," says Bobby Martinez. "It's such a hard, brutal
sport and to have that grit to want to fight for a living is just
crazy to me."
Bobby Martinez on Mayweather vs
Pacquiao!
By Derek Rielly
Nobody in surf knows boxing like the Santa Babs
goofyfooter…
I’m guessing you might’ve slung your head into a bar
yesterday to watch the Floyd Mayweather vs Manny Pacquiao
fight. Who was going to miss the “Fight of the
Century”? Not me, and I don’t know a damn thing about
fighting, at least this century. I’ve read Mailer’s The Fight. I’ve seen When
We Were Kings.
The purse was outrageous. Three hundred million split 60-40
to the American.
It was too difficult to squeeze inside the Sydney bar I’d chosen
and so I watched from an outside window. I couldn’t hear the
commentary but watched as the brave little Filipino
crowded a noisy black man who seemed like a worn-out magician,
waving his arms, shaking his head.
I imagined the black man tightening his rump and feeling
rivulets of cold sweat trickling down his thighs. How could he stop
the remorseless Filipino. The mostly Asian crowd was openly hostile
to the black man.
After 12 rounds, the fighters were separated and the black man
was announced the winner. The howls! I didn’t get it and so I
called Bobby Martinez, Santa Barbara’s great goofyfooter, the
former rookie of the year, winner of Teahupoo, Mundaka, a former
world number five, to explain.
Why ask Bobby?
A few years back, I’d met up with Bobby at the Primo Boxing Gym
in Santa Babs to watch him train. “He’s a natural athlete.
When he wants to hurt you he can hurt you,” Joe Pommier, the
formerly national-ranked boxer who runs the joint had told
me. Joe said that Bobby, with just a little conditioning,
could be a pro light-middleweight. “He’s 165-170 pounds (77 kilos)
now. We’d get him down to 154 (69 kilos).”
And when you ask Bobby about the Mayweather v Pacquiao fight you
know he’s serious about it. So serious that when he shells out the
$100 to watch it on pay-per-view he doesn’t invite his pals around
to watch. “I hate being in an environment where people talk
too much during the fight. All of a sudden there’s al these
commentators who, all of a sudden, think they know boxing,” says
Bobby. “I really have to watch it.”
Floyd Mayweather, left, is the 38-year-old
American with 11 world titles and, at right, we see brave little
Manny Pacquiao, 37, from the Philippines. He has 10 world titles
and five years ago was elected to the Filipino house of
representatives. Bobby Martinez calls him an “authentic, offensive
fighter.”
BeachGrit: How would you describe the two
fighters?
Bobby: Manny’s an authentic fighter, such an authentic
fighter. He comes to fight, throws tons of punches, is always in
great shape, has really good footwork and he’s just
an… offensive machine. Floyd? Fuck, he’s just super
defensive. He’s just… defensive. That’s it. He tries to make you
miss and then make you pay. That’s been his whole career. Defensive
genius.
BeachGrit: It doesn’t make for sizzling viewing, howevs,
all that defence.
Bobby: I like it, I like it ’cause I like to watch how he can do
what he does. But it’s really boring. If you’ve seen one
Mayweather fight you’ve seen ’em all. He does the same thing every
fight. It’s definitely not my thing. He never goes and takes
chances. He hasn’t knocked anyone out in a long time. You know he’s
going to do just enough to win. A couple of punches to score rounds
and that’s it. That’s how he’s always fought.
BeachGrit: How did you rate the fight? I found
it stunningly dull…
Bobby: It was really boring, I thought. I liked it ’cause
I’m a boxing fan but at the same time, I mean, what made it so
boring was all the hype up to it: the amount you had to pay,
the hype-up that was going on, you were going to think you were
going to get fireworks and it was really a dull fight. Espe when
it’s two best guys int hew odd you think that you get more than
that. I kinda thought it was a dull right. Moments, third and the
fourth round ,payqui looked like he wad figuring out floyd, getting
closure, got him with a few shots that sutnn3d him, manny was ble
to get some shots out on the ropes, a couple of rlurries, but then
he never got close again. He figure out Paquio and readjusted and
kinda just… ran away and sa couple of nice shots to win the round.
ALl she wrote.
BeachGrit: How did you rate the
fight?
Bobby: Fuck. I’ve been talking about it a lot. I’ve seen
so many great fights, been to great fights in person. That fight
last night is going to give boxing a horrible name. It was not
action packed. There’s great fights in boxing every single year and
it’s a bummer that so many people, who never watch boxing, bought
the fight because of the hype. It sucks because has so much
more to offer. There are so many better fights. I wouldn’t even
rate that fight. I wouldn’t at all.
BeachGrit: Now here’s something? I was watching from a
window without any commentary and it looked like Manny won easily?
Why did Floyd get the decision?
Bobby: You know what? (Former world heavyweight champ)
Evander Holyfield thought that Pacquiao won. (Click here.) It all goes to what style of
fighting you like. Some people will that the guy who won the fight
was guy pushing the action, pressuring, always coming forward and
making the other guy fight. Pacquiao stunned Floyd and
Floyd never stunned Pacquiao. It was Manny making the fight happen.
So I can see how some people thought he won. It was obvious to me
that Floyd had won but I can see how people hate that style of
fighting. It’s hard to give a guy who rarely fights a victory. I
can see how people find that hard because it’s so…
boring.
BeachGrit: Whats beautiful about boxing? What do you
love about it?
Bobby: What I find most appealing about it is the heart it takes
to be these guys. It’s such a hard brutal sport and to have that
grit to want to do that is just crazy to me. They fight for a
living. They’re willing to put everything aside just to fight even
though so many guys in boxing have died or been punched in the
head so much they have Parkinsons or can’t speak properly and
are completely punch drunk. To see these guys just say, fuck
it, I’m fighting cause I want to fight, that’s what I love about
it. On top of that, it’s its own little art within itself. Two
hands. That’s it. I love watching a fighter when their back is up
against the wall and how they end up fighting. You can see the dog
in them and you see how good someone is. I love everything about
it. I respect it all.
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The Gaduaskas brothers, from California, at
the gates of Jerusalem. Free Palestine, they say, but don't harm
the Jew! It ain't that hard! All you need is love!
Why Down Days Israel is Even Dumber Than
You Think
By Beau Andrews
And why clinging to your "ideas" is the work of
fools…
For the record, I found the latest episode of
Down Days to be a naïve and boring. I didn’t see the whole
thing through. The surf looked shit and I don’t care about whatever
Israelis do for fun on the beach. Most of all, I don’t care what
three professional surfers make of the Israel/Palestine
question.
To me, the episode was a poor attempt at light-hearted,
feel-good journalism/entertainment, with the underlying aim to sell
shoes and that’s OK.
But what a storm it has elicited! I feel sorry for the Gudauskas
brothers. Did they foresee the storm it would cause on
BeachGrit?
A bitter war of words once again rages over that most long
standing of international disputes. Shrill arguments and counter
arguments fly freely. Accusations of anti-Semitism and
ultra-Zionism ultimately follow, and then Godwin’s Law (Click
here to read!) comes into play with mention of the Holocaust
and the perpetrators of it.
The shit is complex: after two years of Middle Eastern politics,
I walked away from it bored and well aware of the futility. I could
talk, write, for hours discussing principles of conflict
resolution, asymmetrical warfare and what not. However, at the
heart of all of it is ideas, and it is ideas that you lap up and
espouse as truths.
I say ideas because they are simply that… ideas.
I’m well-versed in ideas: I spent six years training in them. I
make my living off them. Hobbes, Kant, Locke, Wittingstein and
Chomsky, etc, I know them well. They’re ideas based upon
observation and perceptions. Some are quite good at summarising
situations, but they’re not truths.
None of them are truths.
We’re prone to ideas: they give us meaning. They help us
understand our world. They are, however, limited. They’re easily
deconstructed, laid bare and shown to be inadequate.
Human rights are my favourite. To have a right is for someone to
have a corresponding duty. Human rights come from natural rights,
which stem from natural justice and subsequently, natural law.
Natural law works on the presumption of a higher being. In the case
of natural rights, God guaranteed your rights. The problem exists
that if there is no God, they’re void.
Human rights were meant to be a secular, universal solution to
this with the state as having a duty to uphold your rights. The
thing is, the state does what it wants and if decides to take away
your rights, you’re fucked.
They’re not something that exists independently of a state just
because you’re human. No one has a duty to you for that. You can
cry all you like about your rights but they only exist at the
state’s wish.
Yet, people still cling to ideas as if they were the very basis
of their existence – and I guess that’s fair enough, though
foolish.
Ideas are a foolproof way of getting yourself killed. And
you may be one of these people, but I for one am not. I don’t
believe in anything other than life, death, what is expedient and
what is entertaining. And what is entertaining is your quaint and
firm beliefs.
So please, clobber one another with your hifalutin ideals of
human rights, justice, liberty and equality, I’ll giggle then pity
you. And to the person who yells ‘Free Tibet’, or ‘Free Pussy
Riot’, you’re fucking dreaming.
