Since Mary Ann, Ginger and the Professor were
snared from Gilligan's Island!
Last night off Oahu’s North Shore a pleasure
cruise went very wrong. The boat, a 25 foot Boston Whaler, was two
miles from Waimea when it fuel ran out and then the bilge pump
stopped working and the hull took on water and it flipped over,
tossing 14 people into the water including a five-year-old child
and a dog.
The horror! The absolute horror and that horror could have ended
with everyone dead, their bones chewed by tiger sharks. But guess
who else was on the boat?
Australia’s hottest couple Tyron Swan and ………………………. Brinkley
Davies!
Unless you are culturally gorked you will know that Tyron
and Brinkley, hailing from South Australia, are magical creatures,
soon to be ultra-famous. Tyron duct tapes paraplegics onto his back
and takes them surfing. And he is handsome. Brinkley communes with
sharks, killer whales, etc. And she gorgeous. Together they are
unstoppable. And so when the boat capsized? No big deal! They
floated along with it for a few hours in the black of night holding
a five-year-old child and caring for a dog until the Coast Guard
dropped them a boat and then came and snared them.
“It was no worries…” Brinkley told my wife afterward “…but if we
had been back home we would have frozen to death.” But I disagree,
positing their smoking good looks/pure hearts would have warmed the
very ocean.
How thrilled do you think the Coast Guard was? For sure totally.
It was definitely the world’s sexiest ocean rescue.
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Key question(s): Is Kelly going to de-horn that board
of his? And can he maintain in small beachbreaks? | Photo:
WSL
Power Rankings pre-Billabong Pro,
Tahiti!
By Derek Rielly
Underpinning Filipe Toledo's performance is a
bedrock of depravity! True!
A year of two ago, I was employed by the
excellent, if sexually provocative and hate-mongering, website
Surfline to write the surfing equivalent of the NBA power rankings.
I wrote maybe half a dozen and loved the idea of bombing anyone
who’d been unkind to me during the year and festooning with flowers
those with a kind word.
They were rightly condemned by readers and, occasionally, I felt
like withdrawing into my little office cubicle. Lately, my fingers
have again become itchy to write.
So, here, is a pre-Teahupoo power rankings, the top 10, with the
second-tier bottom feeders appearing tomorrow.
1. Filipe Toledo J-Bay result: 13 WSL rating: 4 (-2)
Key question: Can he stay top five after Teahupoo?
You wouldn’t say Filipe has an oriental solemnity. He declared
war on dullness back in March, back at Snapper, and, but for the
weird slowness of little J-Bay, would’ve won there too. His surfing
is madness, just madness. You could see the realisation in the eyes
of Julian and the rest of the tour at Snapper. It was like some
terrible truth had been visited upon them.
The future is… here? So soon? It wasn’t Jordy or Dane,
after all? Oh, how they sobered up. Their youth was stolen
overnight!
The key thing about Teahupoo is it ain’t that hard to pick
unlike every other stop on tour. Sit here. Take off there. Filipe
will make a respectable show of things, pick up a 13th or
thereabouts, stay top five-ish, win two of the last four events,
and become the second Brazilian to win a world title. He’ll also
become the youngest world champion, ever, eclipsing Kelly Slater’s
one breakable record by eight weeks.
2. Mick Fanning J-Bay result: 2 WSL rating: 2 (steady) Key question: Is there enough sugar in Mick’s bowl to stay
in the race with three beachbreak events left?
If god (the Christian one) neglects Filipe in the last half of
the season, it’ll be Mick who’ll win, what is it, his fourth world
title? There’s such an electricity in the air surrounding Mick, so
many bowlfuls of press cuttings, that he may become, simply,
unbeatable. Mick refuses to modify his idiosyncratic attitude to
surfing (those frontside lesion!), and that ain’t necessarily a bad
thing.
3. Dane Reynolds J-Bay result: 13 WSL rating: 33 (steady) Key question: Apart from the Quiksilver Pro in France, how
many wildcards will Dane get?
Dane surfs in such a fine, clear italic that it would be too
horrible to contemplate he not seeing out his golden years on the
tour. A ninth (Snapper) and a 13th (J-bay) aren’t exactly examples
of over-performance, but he has a valuable message to deliver. One
of… enjoyment.
4. Julian Wilson J-Bay result: 2 WSL rating: 3 (-1) Key question: Can he win an event?
To win a surfing event at WSL level is an arduous task. Round
one, two maybe, three, four, or five, quarters, semi, final. It
must smack as a little sour that Julian has made three finals this
year and won… none of them, although paddling toward the mouth
of a Great White must count for something.
Julian is better equipped than any other surfer on tour, with
the exception of current champ Medina, to deal with Teahupoo,
Trestles, Hossegor, Supertubes and Pipe. But such is his bag of
gifts, his arsenal, you often get the sense he doesn’t know what to
pull out next. His drawings are brilliant and vigorous, yeah, but
sometimes, as we saw at Snapper, he can look just a little
laboured.
5. Adriano de Souza J-Bay result: 5 WSL rating: 1 (steady) Key question: Can the WSL judges get over the
psychological hurdle of ushering Adriano into an unpopular world
title?
Oh, to hell with it. Adriano inspires such vituperation, such
unimaginably offensive insults, that I wonder if he’ll find scores
much harder to come by in the second half of the season. I feel he
could mash his opponents skulls in with a steel can and still not
win. The world title will runaway from him, again, no matter how
hard he he shoots out his hind legs.
6. Owen Wright J-Bay result: 13 WSL rating: 5 (-2) Key question: Has he got more than lefthand reefs?
Second last at Snapper, second last at J-Bay, fair to middling
results at Margaret River, Rio and Bells, and wins Fiji (with
stained undershorts).
You see the pattern? Lefthand reefs are to Owen what a bowl of
warm gruel is to a grateful refugee.
So let’s count the remaining events: Trestles (youch), Teahupoo
(like glove!) Hossegor (maybe, if big), Portugal (size needed) and
Pipe (hell gonna bust loose). Two possible wins, a handful of
average results.
Where’s that going to lead us? Top three, possibly a runner-up
if he can gallop past Mick.
7. Kelly Slater J-Bay result: 3 WSL rating: 6 (-1) Key question(s): Is Kelly going to de-horn that board of
his? And can he maintain in small beachbreaks?
You could watch Slater at various points of the season and
think, oowee, it looks like he’s covered in dust, or, wow, I ain’t
seen him this fresh since his last world title year. Kelly’s
saddled up a lot of boards over the years but the move back to a
rockered, narrow board has resulted in the inconsistency y’tend to
see when a surfer, anyone, even Kelly, tries to get off what we
tend to incorrectly call fishes.
At Margarets we saw how hard he can push a rail when he’s on a
board that doesn’t need to be nursed; same at J-Bay. Teahupoo and
Pipe are great for Kelly, maybe France, if there’s swell, but
Portugal ain’t gonna be pretty. Trestles could swing either
way. Like me after two am!
8. Taj Burrow Result: 25 WSL rating: 8 (-2)
Key question: Honestly, can he be bothered?
You could never accuse Taj of looking old, of facing extinction.
But there does come a time in a man’s life when, after 18 years of
doin’ the same thing, y’think, is there anything else?
Since 2002, Taj has never finished worse than ninth. That’s a
career with horns. Taj’ll miss Hossegor (a potential result)
because he’ll have a kid poking its head out of mammy.
Does he care? About the kid, sure, about missing autumn in
France? Not quite so much.
9. Wiggolly Dantas J-Bay result: 9 WSL rating: 13 (+4) Key question: Will he die of exhaustion given his arduous
qualifying program?
So far this year, Wiggolly, the 25 year-old Brazilian rookie,
has entered eleven events, including five qualifiers. He ain’t
going to give up his CT shot easily.
What is constant in history is that the triers (see Adriano de
Souza) will always push their chips forward over natural, but lazy,
talents. Wiggolly rides a wonderful horse but how long before all
that airline travel makes him smell rank and sweaty?
10. Gabriel Medina J-Bay result: 5
WSL rating: 15 (+5) Key question: Is the boot off Gabriel’s neck?
Do you remember that wave at J-Bay when we saw the boot come off
the world champ’s neck, if briefly? One decent huck, though nothing
particularly special, a five-five if the ride had terminated there,
but then Gabriel reminded us why he became the second-youngest
world champion in history, and Brazil’s first, when he loosed his
wings and just… greased… the landing.
A little reminder that Filipe ain’t the only Brazilian on the
catwalk. Even though his world title defence has gone to hell,
Gabriel will win an event, maybe two, and finish top five.
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This is Kelly in 2011 just before a heat in San
Francisco, dressed in the Xplosive compression
wetsuit.
Still coming: Quiksilver’s Compression
Wetsuit!
By Derek Rielly
Will we see it? Maybe!
Three years ago, Quiksilver Inc filed a patent for a
wetsuit invented by Troy Brooks (yup, the former pro
surfer), Josh Rush and David Mas-Bertrand.
What it is, is a super tech suit, “comprising first panels
exhibiting a high-stretch and adapted to provide buoyancy to the
wearer and second panels exhibiting a low-stretch and adapted to
provide further buoyancy to the wearer wherein the first and the
second panels are fastened together by seams and wherein the second
panels are arranged according to the muscular configuration of the
wearer to stimulate the muscular relaxation velocity of the
wearer.”
That’s what it says on the patent app.
The theory goes that if you squeeze the muscles, they’ll bounce
back in the most explosive manner thereby increasing
performance.
Or, according to a piece by the Australian Sports Commission,
“Some studies have reported that compression garments can improve
muscular power, strength, enhance recovery following intense
exercise and improve proprioception.”
Do they work? Will we ever see one? Four years since Kelly
Slater wore one in San Francisco, Quiksilver says “it’s still a
work in progress.”
If you really want to dive into the finer details, the patent
application makes for surprisingly interesting reading.
How do you know you're a surfer? Do you: hold
your breath at work? Worry about the sponsorship travails of
millionaire surfers? Spend way too much on boards you don't
use?
Culture: You really know you’re a surfer
when…
By Derek Rielly
It's the dumb quirks that bind us
together…
The diversity! Everyone surfs, or at least,
talks about it.
From the televisions that adorn our living rooms walls to
highway billboards and shrieking cinema advertising, it’s surf,
surf, surf!
But there’s a surfer and there’s a surfer. There’s the
once-a-monther with his polished log that he carefully straps onto
the roof of his SUV, who covers his nudity with a poncho, has
bottled water in the back of his whip to remove sand, who wouldn’t
know a Filipe Toledo from a Julian Wilson, and then there’s, I’m
guessing, people like you and me.
We live for the minutiae of a sport that, realistically,
consists of 10 five-second rides per two-hour session. But, still,
we adore the tour, the often pointless changes in board design, the
fads, the names, the kings and the queens.
And, therefore, let me list, below, the five characteristics of
the modern surfer.
1. We hold our breath at work
Lately, every big-wave surfer, and even some small-wavers like
Kolohe Andino who are currently climbing the rungs of credibility
in juice, have taken to apnea training. Breath holding.
Deliberately giving yourself the shakes just so you can stay
underwater a little longer, therefore making you able to survive, I
don’t know, 10-foot Cloudbreak? One tip the best free-divers will
give you is to practise breath-holding at your work desk. I know
half-a-dozen surfers who’ll practise it half-a-dozen times in a
morning. A couple have even woken up at their desk having tripped
the wire of consciousness.
2. We care about the sponsorship deals of millionaire
athletes
Just recently, I finished working in an office where for
hours, over years, everyone discussed, gravely, pro surfer
sponsorships. Was the surfer under discussion being paid
enough, we wondered? How would they make it last into their
dotage?
I remember the concerned shaking of heads when Bobby Martinez
stopped getting stickers and 50-grand a month cheques and the
hesitation when we learned Quiksilver wouldn’t be resigning Kelly,
whose property portfolio spans the globe.
Did it matter that the surfers made more in two weeks that
most of the office made in a year or that our own situations were
far more perilous than there’s would ever be?
3. We own too many boards
What other sport requires only a sturdy pair of legs, some kind
of modesty protection and a $700 piece of equipment? And so we buy
too many of ’em. And it defines us and it defines us to the
non-surfers who swing into our houses and say things like, “You
really do have a lot of surfboards.”
4. Our optimism is organic
Why wouldn’t it be? One clean turn, one in-and-out head-dip and
there isn’t a problem in the world that can’t be stomped on.
Meditation, yoga, therapy, it don’t even come close.
5. We don’t do “inland.”
Whether it’s international travel or setting up a crib, we
never, ever, budge from our coastline perches. Yeah, it retards our
cultural experiences. Yeah, we miss a lot of terribly exciting
things.
But in a life that might be 25,000 days, if we’re lucky, who’s
got the time to traipse the Macchu Pichu trail?
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WSL joins Global Force Wrestling and Round Rock Express
on CBS Sports Network! Which is easy enough to ridicule, but if you
got the channel (and hence you're in the US) you'll get splashed
with highlight packs you may or may not've already seen on
WSL.com.
Legitimacy: WSL Signs with CBS Sports
Network!
By Rory Parker
Mainstream America, here comes the pro surfing
juggernaut!
Did you know that ABC was broadcasting hour long wrap
ups of WSL events as part of their World of
X-Games series? Neither did I, which I shameful since
I’m sure I could have found a way to make fun of it.
Lucky for me, our surf table comp tour has recently managed to
reach a deal with CBS television, and together they plan to air a
bunch of stuff:
“The programming, which begins today, Tuesday, July 28 with the
Quiksilver and Roxy Pro Gold Coast Men’s and Women’s double-header,
continues through January and includes 20 two-hour episodes
featuring coverage of the Semifinals and Finals from each
Championship Tour event, as well as a special presentation of the
Vans U.S. Open of Surfing, a nine-day event recognized as the
largest professional sports competition and action sports festival
in the world, on Saturday, Aug. 1 (9:00 PM, ET) and Sunday, Aug. 2
(9:00 PM, ET).”
But we won’t be seeing surfing on network TV anytime soon, not
unless shark attacks become a trend. The WSL scored airtime on CBS
Sports Network, formally the National College Sports Network, a
channel I didn’t know existed until this morning.
(As an aside, here’s a collection of mainstream sports
meltdowns)
I haven’t owned a TV in years, though, so it’s not like I’m
really keyed in to all the goings on in the televised world.
In fact, I’m always a little surprised to see that people still
have cable subscriptions at all. I originally let mine lapse after
my move to Hawaii, where it quickly became apparent that I wouldn’t
be able to afford those types of luxuries until I got my act
together.
Over the ensuing years internet piracy technology got so good
that cable became unnecessary. Why pay money for something I can
steal for free?
But God bless the kind hearted chumps who do. Someone has
to shell out for content.
Anyway… good for the WSL! This is a type of legitimacy. Maybe
they can negotiate a lucrative AM radio contract to round out the
whole media blitz.
Program here!
Samsung Galaxy WSL
Championship Tour on CBS Sports Network schedule:
– Tuesday, July 28, 10 p.m ET – Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast (Gold
Coast, Australia)
– Tuesday, July 28, 12 midnight ET – Roxy Pro Gold Coast (Gold
Coast, Australia)
– Saturday, August 1 and Sunday, August 2, 9 p.m. ET – Vans U.S.
Open of Surfing (Huntington Beach, California, USA)
– Tuesday, August 4, 11 p.m. ET – Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach (Bells
Beach, Australia)
– Tuesday, August 11, 11 p.m. ET – Rip Curl Women’s Pro Bells Beach
(Bells Beach, Australia)
– Tuesday, August 18, 11 p.m. ET – Drug Aware Margaret River Pro
(Margaret River, Australia)
– Tuesday, August 25, 10 p.m. ET – Drug Aware Margaret River
Women’s Pro (Margaret River, Australia)
– Tuesday, August 25, 12 midnight ET – Oi Rio Pro (Rio de Janeiro,
Brazil)
– Tuesday, September 1, 11 p.m. ET – Oi Rio Women’s Pro (Rio de
Janeiro, RJ, Brazil)
– Thursday, September 10, 9 p.m. ET – Fiji Pro (Tavarua/Namotu,
Fiji)
– Thursday, September 17, 9 p.m. ET – Fiji Women’s Pro
(Tavarua/Nomotu, Fiji)
– Thursday, September 24, 9 p.m. ET – J-Bay Open (Jeffreys Bay,
South Africa)
– Thursday, October 1, 9 p.m. ET – Billabong Pro Tahiti (Teahupoo,
Taiarapu, Tahiti)
– Thursday, October 8, 9 p.m. ET – Hurley Pro at Trestles
(Trestles, California, USA)
– Thursday, November 12, 9 p.m. ET – Swatch Women’s Pro Trestles
(Trestles, California, USA)
– Thursday, November 19, 9 p.m. ET – Cascais Women’s Pro (Cascais,
Portugal)
– Thursday, November 26, 9 p.m. ET – Quiksilver Pro France (Landes,
South West France)
– Thursday, December 3, 7:30 p.m. ET – Roxy Pro France (Landes,
South West France)
– Thursday, December 10, 8 p.m. ET – Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal
(Peniche/Cascais, Portugal)
– TBD – Maui Women’s Pro (Honolua Bay, Maui, Hawaii)
– TBD – Billabong Pipe Masters (Banzai Pipeline, Oahu, Hawaii)
