Opinion: Laird Hamilton hates surfing!

Or maybe he is a prophet!

Social media can be a drag but it can also be the most brilliant place on earth. Todd McFarland, master surfboard shaper, got me thinking today. He sent over  a picture of Laird Hamilton bottom turning some remote controlled, self propelled water thing and said:

image1-2

 

“Laird’s approach to surfing is more dystopian than the Terminator film franchise. It’s as if Laird actually hates surfing on surfboards. I feel like, in the midst of this turn, he is thinking to himself that he should have been working in a tool and die factory in the midwest…or stamping out sheet metal.”

And how brilliant!  And I think Mr. McFarland is right! From the hydrofoil to the SUP to the Golfbort it does, in fact, seem that Laird Hamilton hates surfing on surfboards which may certainly be some insight into the way he feels about the future.

Could it be that, with pollution and global warming etc. the way they are, waves will either stop coming someday and thus Laird SUPs, remote controls, golfboards?

Or that they will be so gigantic that a hydrofoil will be necessary to ride them? This begs an even greater question.

Is Laird Hamilton prophetic? Or does he just hate surfing on surfboards?


Mark Healey spearfishing
Leading the spearfishing zeitgeist is the Hawaiian Mark Healey, five-foot-one and tons of fun! He gets the woman, he gets the fish!

Zeitgeist: Spearfishing is soooo now!

Come and see what happens when it all goes wrong… 

I know it’s Shark Week, so I should really be posting toothy critters and being all “Oh my, sharkies are sooo scaresome!” but I just don’t have it in me. I just find the whole thing too boring to waste my time trying to come up with something engaging about them.

I had an idea of doing a thing with “previously unknown shark species,” photo-shopping new types of sharks, like the Mongoloidon (a retarded shark), but it quickly became really offensive. And I like offensive stuff, so when warning bells start ringing in my head I typically know I’ve gone way too far. Some of it was pretty racist too and I found myself thinking, “It’s just a joke, people know I’m not a hateful bigot. I don’t even know any black people.”

But that’s the kind of thing a hateful bigot thinks, so I guess I’ve got some self reflection ahead. Instead, here’s some spearfishing accidents.

Rule number one with a speargun is “never point it at anything you don’t want to kill.” Rule number two is “never fire it out of water.” But, jeez, if you’re gonna, at least unhook the fucking shooting line.

Recoil on bigger guns can be gnarly. I’ll admit, I’ve done nearly the same thing as this boner, albeit fifty feet underwater. I tried taking a quick shot with my 130cm without locking my elbow. Thought I smashed my front teeth in. It’s a lesson you only need to learn once.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GrBFCIZN_s

Fucking SCUBA fools… If someone took a shot that close to me I’d beat his head in the moment we hit land. If I got tied up in his shooting line because he didn’t know how to control a fish I’d back my car over his gear as well.

From the video description: notes added by yours truly:

“Could have been a lot worse.. Before you Spanish or Arabic macho freedivers get your panties in a bunch. The guy who hit my spear was inexperienced (Still your own damn fault for having your gun pointed at someone). If you have a problem with SCUBA spearing and wish pain and suffering on others, you have serious issues in your life. I think its a jealously thing you cannot get to the depths or afford the gear we use. I SCUBA dive down to 150′ to shoot fish (Liar). Its challenging (No, it isn’t). SCUBA is different than freediving. It is more challenging to some aspects (More challenging to pay for, that’s about it.). Get off your high horse, we are all one and interested in the same things (Nope). I do freedive and spear as well and respect you guys.

Okay, this one has nothing to do with spearfishing. It’s just a SCUBA fool hand feeding an eel. Nothing could go wrong there, right?

 

Until next time, here’s a fat lady enjoying some para-sailing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Loik4Ii2g4


Who is JOB
Jamie O'Brien is like some benign old wizard who spends his magic doing good. And girls! So many girls! | Photo: Jamie O

Who is JOB: Kinkiest Episode yet!

"A lot of web series are a big circle jerk," says Jamie O'Brien. Jerk to this!

 

Jamie O’Brien is an old man now (thirties!), but like some benign old wizard he spends his money, and his magic, doing good. The online series Who is JOB is now in its fifth series (5.0).

“Fuck! Life’s boring if you’re not doing rad shit,” says Jamie. “I know you know what I mean.”

Well, yeah, I do. I’m kinky for Who is JOB!

In this episode, “Jamie O’Brien and friends open up the overflowing Waimea Bay river and create the best river surfing waves of the year. Plus, Poopies learns freestyle snow skiing at Pipeline and flips his way into the Waimea marsh!!”

Jamie’s philosophy surrounding the series is sound. “I didn’t want the show to be the same as every other web series going around… It’s a group of certain surfers and certain companies. I feel like a lot of the web series are a big circle jerk. It might sound dumb, but we’re trying to look outside the box, living life and doing things people can relate to.”


Slater, Reynolds’ heroic bangs! Day One, J-Bay

Filipe piteous, CJ resurrected, Taj uninterested, Gabriel trampled… 

When destiny knocks the nail in the coffin of a failed world title campaign it is seldom long before she knocks in the last. Who could ever have pictured Gabriel Medina administering such a poor defence of his historic world title?

You would never have thought that this handsome boy could wear a look of such astonishment, dismay, piteous injury!

And that ain’t all. Dane Reynolds swallowed his chin and charged Filipe Toledo like a bull. He knocked his wind out completely. I like to watch the way a surfer runs to the water’s edge and paddles out to see if he’s jacked up and ready to fight. Dane kinda waddled down to that lil gap in the rocks where you paddle out and I was worried he might be maltreated by Filipe, especially considering the game Filipe demonstrated in the freesurf sessions. But there’s a change in Dane, and you could see it in the way he recovered out of one turn – an almost top-turn to face-plant – and the way he grimly crouched over his connecting turns as if he was Kolohe Andino in his NSAA prime. Once his opening passages were complete, Dane’s natural nervousness vanished and he cavorted as if it was 2010 and he was again equal fourth in the world.

Kelly Slater hemmed in Matt Wilkinson, even if his sails did hang like dead snakes. Have you ever seen a frontside air landed by…sheer will?

Joel  Parkinson lost again and Taj Burrow seemed entirely over the whole business, as if it took an effort of unbelievable will to paddle out into the crummy, onshore waves.

Maybe more tonight!


Fly fishing
Fly Fishing, writes Beau Andrews, is "rewarding, a challenge and it's a game not dissimilar to surfing."

Surfing vs Fly-Fishing! Who’s got the sexy?

The game is closer than you think… 

Surfing is fucked! Doomed to become vanilla at one end (read WSL and Samsung’s little adds), and doomed to become far too abstract at the other (Globe/Los Angered). It’s an increasingly fragmented scene that sees the collective at one another’s throats across the internet’s many message boards.

In a most unfounded fashion, I blame both the internet and the increasingly popular nature of the past time. Do I want it to go back to a mongrelised, intolerant sub-culture on the fringes? Yeah, nah. Plus, I’m more than wary of the dubious talk of a surf culture. After all, like your nationality, it’s but an imagined community that we’ve all valorised to be real.

But imagined communities aside, surfing has at least one thing going for it – it presents itself better than fly-fishing.

I like fly-fishing, both salt water and fresh. It’s rewarding, it’s a challenge, it’s a game that is not too dissimilar to surfing. But fuck me, it doesn’t present itself well.

If you’ve ever tried to watch a fly-fishing video you’re likely to get bombarded by pretentious prattle about it being a ‘spiritual art’, or some bloke yahooing. You watch it with a permanent grimace, embarrassed that you let yourself be seen with a fly rod in hand. As a result, I hide my collection behind my surfboards.

Nor does fly-fishing lend itself to music. Most guys publishing footage put it to lo-fi country sounding guitars or obnoxious dance music. Tt doesn’t work. In fact, no music works. You’re better off to watch it muted.

Actually, you’re better off not watching it so that you don’t have to expose yourself to the fashion – it’s all fluoro Quiksilver/Jet board shorts, Patagonia wading boots, button-up shirts, patterned face buffs, hats, polaroid glasses and waders – terrible in the least.

Surfing has an edge in this respect. Surfing suits music much better, even if you hate that music. However, nothing suits lo-fi country sounding guitar. Similarly, if you’re watching surfing without music in it’s raw form, unless you’re watching some kook’s GoPro footage, one particular former WSL commentator, or some Mid-Western bible basher’s footage from their trip to Hawaii, you’re not going to get the same cheese.

Surf fashion? Pretty simple, not always functional, and fuck zinc! Wetsuits? Only in black please. Still, I’d rather be seen in the latest Globe Dion signature series clothes/shoes than a pair of waders, face buff and polaroids.

And all the prattle about the ‘spiritual art’? We left that in the 70’s and over at The Inertia. In more than one sense, surfing today is all about performance baby!

See, it’s not all doom and gloom, we still have an edge over fly-fishing. Then again, I’ve noted a lot of exceptions/contradictions. No, we’re not much better than fly-fishing at all.