Say you had a billion dollars. How would…you… spend
it?
I woke up this morning to an oddly strong desire to
pickle a bunch of veggies. I’m not sure where it came
from. I like pickled stuff, but I don’t love it. Maybe I’ve got
some sort of vitamin deficiency.
Whatever the cause there’s currently eight quart jars containing
various ratios of asparagus, green beans, garlic and sweet onions
slowly cooling on my kitchen counter.
My mind wanders and as I was waiting for my mixture of vinegar,
water, sugar and salt to come to a boil I started thinking about
The Magic Christian. It’s a novel by Terry Southern,
the guy who wrote the screenplays for Barbarella and
Easy Rider.
The upshot is that a crazy billionaire uses his fortune play
elaborate mean-spirited pranks on the unsuspecting world he
inhabits. It was made into a not very good movie starring Peter
Sellers and Ringo Starr. You
can watch it here.
I’ve never understood why actual billionaires don’t do something
similar. It can’t be because of moral restraint. You don’t build an
empire by caring about other people.
I’ve put a lot of thought into my evil plans. Not that I really
think I’ll be a billionaire, but stranger things have happened. I
fired my cleaning lady last week for being lazy, not something
I’d’ve ever expected to need, or want, to do.
But she did a terrible job and taught me a lesson about hiring
white people. No work ethic.
Maybe my idea for an app will take off. It’s called Meet
Market and it’s an anonymous location based “dating” service.
You log in and it uses your phone’s GPS to broadcast your location
to other users looking for a no strings attached hookup. Then other
users can search you out. It’s like a treasure hunt, where the
treasure is an overweight married man lurking in a public toilet
waiting to suck off whichever unkempt pervert finds him first, or
fourth, or whatever. I’m not in the passing judgment business, I’m
in the facilitating public indecency business.
Here’s what I’ll do when the cash comes in.
Become a supervillian
A person could really wreak some havoc with one of those flying
water jet pack deals. Find any gathering that takes place near
water, then come roaring in blasting unsuspecting citizens with
your water hand cannons, then zipping away when your fun is done.
Sure, it’d be felony level assault on multiple people, but once
you’re in the billion club you’re above petty considerations like
the law. Look at James Pflueger, he killed seven people and
got off more or less scot-free. (Click here.)
Sink a Yacht
Buying your way into a high end regatta, then playing bumper
cars off the line, what could be more fun? It’s all the goodness
that comes with crashing stuff, mixed with ruining rich peoples’
good time.
Get in car accidents
Don’t you just hate it when someone is inconsiderate to you in
traffic? Don’t you wish you could just put the pedal to the floor
and smash right into them? Or when some asshole in a rental speeds
around you to steal a parking spot, wouldn’t it be great to totally
bludgeon their ride, laugh in their face, and give your lawyer a
call to let him know you’ve “done it again”? If I were a
billionaire I could live that dream.
Give scumbags 10K
The funny thing about ten thousand dollars, it’s enough to ruin
your life, but not enough to really improve it. What’s it really
get you? A few months breathing room on rent? A down payment on an
inexpensive car? A year of health insurance? It will buy a lot of
drugs, though.
There’s a public toilet in the middle of Kapaa that’s the
hangout for our local shit bags. They do their thing, smoke their
meth, beat each other with pieces of driftwood and hunks of coral,
no doubt talk about all the cool stuff they’ll do when
they’re billionaires. I think it would be fun to cruise
down every once in a while and hand one of the losers a nice thick
stack of hundreds. Just to see what would happen. Nothing good,
that’s for sure.
Build low-income housing
I recently learned that George Lucas already stole this idea
(click here), but I’m sticking with it anyway.
Wouldn’t it be nice to buy up large tracts of land in affluent
areas and fill it with poor people? Like, I could solve the
Kaka’ako homeless problems by relocating everyone to their nice new
digs in Hawaii Kai and Kailua! And anyone who has a problem with it
can be painted as a hateful asshole, even though I’m
obviously not planning on living anywhere near my own
philanthropic endeavors.
Maybe I could do a gofundme. I wonder if enough chumps
would be willing to kick me down some dough?
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David Carson just designed 151 new WSL
Logos!
By Derek Rielly
"The logo represents people who take risks on every
single wave they ride," says Carson.
And what an opinion it is, coming from someone who was a pro in
the seventies (signature model board, full-page ads etc) and
who appears to watch every single heat in every single major
surfing event, QS and CT, who shaped his life around one perfect
Caribbean wave and whose style of graphic design is still widely
imitated.
For the last six months, David and I’ve been back-and-forthing
about WSL logos. He was vocal about how bad the current one was (I
was nonplussed but didn’t hate it with the same vehemence) and I
said, how about you design one?
I was expecting, eventually, maybe half a dozen. This morning he
sent me 151 versions of the logo. Some are playful, some are
hard-edged, most a mix of both. Watch a movie of ’em after the
interview.
And Carson’s reasoning behind it all?
BeachGrit: You lit up on the original WSL logo. What
didn’t you like about it?
Carson: It has no soul. The logo just doesn’t represent the
sport very well. It’s pedestrian, unoriginal, forgettable,
safe, gentrified and corporate. All things surfing is NOT, at
least to me. The zillions of people worldwide, intrigued for
decades, who might have felt surfing is unique, are now being
shown, no, it’s not. The essence of surfing, the surfing
experience, what people feel about it are all belied by this
mindless little logo.
Do you see people clamouring for tee shirts with it? Stickering
their cars, walls, friends, bikes or computers with it? …nooo. It
has no particular intrigue nor design unique to surfing.
Surfing’s been an integral part of my life for over 40 years,
and it’s disappointing to see the lack of imagination, spark,
inventiveness and cultural awareness. I would have liked to see a
logo and branding truer to the sport, its history and future, as
well as the unique individuals involved with it all.
I think many others would love to have been excited about the
new WSL logo, which is just the weak ASP logo with new letters.
World Sleeping League. World Snoring League, World Sunning League,
whatever. it’s just a huge missed opportunity to send a message
about the sport globally. That it…is… unique and…does… have
different ways of doing things other sports don’t.
With the shark media-fest worldwide after Mick’s encounter,
millions of people for the first time saw anything related to the
WSL. Snd what did they see? A generic little round corporate logo..
similar to countless other logos.
“Oh thats surfing? I thought they were more, ah, different?
Free-spirited? rebellious, or something.”
BeachGrit: From a technical point of view, what’s
wrong with the logo?
Carson: Nothing is given any importance. All lines are the same
width and it’s by far the most common logo, or button, shape in the
world, a circle. And those lines. What are those?
Rays of sunshine? Lightning? A button someone found on the
computer? They’re given as much importance as the wave. Or the
letters or the border of the circle. It’s forgettable and evokes no
emotion or flavour of the activity it is supposed to represent.
Mechanically, I’m sure its perfect, same width to all the lines,
correct spelling, perfect circle. But is it surfing? It feels
more like a student’s first try on illustrator.
BeachGrit: What about the broadcast
graphics?
Carson: The broadcast in that first year of WSL was a bit of a
trainwreck. Every possible bad TV graphic cliche was used and
overused apparently because someone knew how to use them.
Transparent, 3-D flying logos, huge metal letters, complete with
rivets and beveled edges, clanking down on the sea over Tahiti or
France or wherever, sometimes flying up and swirling from the
depths of the ocean. Very silly suff. Luckily, they’ve toned
it down this season.
And the boxes with scores and smiling surfers? And fake wind
blowing fake flags?Very hard to read. The whole thing looked, and
looks, like surfing is trying to follow football, soccer,
badminton, lawn bowling,cricket, rugby and other sports that have
adopted a certain look for on screen “graphics”.
Having said that, this year they did clean it up a bit and it’s
less offensive. But still adrift somewhere in the Walmart,
professional wrestling and Las Vegas worlds of broadcast
design.
BeachGrit: Why did you apply for a gig as creative
director at the WSL recently? And what was their
response?
Carson: Given my experience and background in art direction and
design, in motion graphics and all things related, along with a
life long passion for surfing, it seemed like a great fit to me. It
also seemed like a great challenge, combining two of my great
passions. Design and surfing. I’m positive I could have helped
notch up the overall level of all the design and communication
related aspects of the WSL. I actually applied three separate
times but I never heard a single thing back. Not a word. It’s
common practice in the real and business and corporate worlds to
let applicants know you have, at very least, received their
application. And then, to let them know, either thanks or no
thanks.
BeachGrit: I don’t know anyone who consumes as much pro
surfing as you and who holds such strong opinions. What excites you
at the moment, pro surfing-wise?
Carson: Dane Reynolds, Filipe and John John’s level of surfing.
I finally kinda understand what all the mad crazy world soccer fans
feel with their sport. I’m a bit obsessed when a WSL event is
on and often watch every single heat and stress over bad decisions
by judges or competitors or mother nature.
But, to be clear, the current state for watching pro surfing has
never been better: live, slo-mo, instant replays, it’s never been
better. No question. I usually root for the underdogs or wildcards.
I enjoy the drama, personal and professional, rooting for the
underdogs, watching surfing at a level I could only dream about,
checking out new equipment and waves, the ads and commercials, all
of it really. I enjoy all the various subplots and personalities.
For example, Kelly is at a fascinating point in his career. It’s
too late for him to go out on top, so how does he exit? Like CJ?
Like Jordan? All sports have top athletes who just don’t know when
to leave. It’s gotta be really difficult and many, or most, of the
very best stay too long..
BeachGrit: How about surfing in general?
Carson: There are two times during my day-to-day life when I
feel totally in the moment. Surfing and when I’m deeply involved in
a design project.
I so often pull out of waves and people tell me I was smiling or
I hoot when I realise a great wave is lining up in front of
me or I see someone elses as I’m paddling out. Or even for a
great empty wave. And those that know me personally would never
imagine I’m a hooting kinda guy.
It really is that indescribable thing. I take it all in: that
first jump into the water, the sunsets, the wind changes, the
smells and sounds, the views. I’m never anywhere it the world where
I couldn’t tell you if the wind is offshore wherever the nearest
beach might be. And you can always keep learning, experimenting,
new experiences, new equipment, new challenges.
Sometimes in graphic design interviews people ask me, what are
you working on now, and I say, my cutback.
BeachGrit: What just kills you about pro
surfing?
Carson: One, the whole idea that they called off a pro contest
because the surf got too big and perfect, that’s still mind-blowing
to me.
Two, I just watched a heat from HB and the top in-form surfer of
the event just completed a crazy air in ridiculous, deplorable
conditions. He got a 2.5. The one commentator, the teddy bear
big guy one who took the mike away from the world champ, was in
disbelief saying it must have been a mistake, can’t be right, had
to at least be a four he said. His co-announcer replied, as
any good company man would, well, the judges have seen him do that
just so many times, so he got scored low.
What? Judge the difficulty of the move please. Very few of the
WSL top 34 could have pulled that move and none of the judges could
even dream about making that move or what goes into completing
it.
And, by the way, who are these mysterious people ,not allowed to
talk to the press or explain any of their decisions, kept far away
from all media and public, making these life-changing decisions as
they hide away in the dark behind security guards and iPads? Oops,
sorry, Samsung imitation iPads.
Three, overhyped Californian surfers who never quite deliver.
California hasn’t had a world-class, game-changing surfer since
Dane Reynolds. And the best surfers in San Clemente are all
Brazilans.
Four, I love the pride and passion of the Brazilians and am
surprised by the racism and hate toward Brasilians. Primarily, it
seems, by Australians if Stab is to be believed.
Five, the way pro surfing swept Andy Irons’ death under the
carpet. It missed a huge opportunity to help educate the youth of
the world, of all ages, and the dangers and dumbness of some
drugs.
Seven, claims. Stop ’em. Should be penalized for them. Watch
John John finish a ride. No claim needed, the surfing speaks for
itself. Kelly had a great idea – make the surfers pay for any
claim that doesn’t then score in the excellent range!
Judges are human. There is no doubt claiming has helped a surfer
or three through a heat and, more recently, has kept some from
advancing. Even Adriano rarely does them. Kolohe’s ranked 30th in
the world and his are the worst ever. Doubled handed “give me the
money ” ones and just yesterday, half-way through his ride,
claiming each individual manoeuvre. A new low for claim land.
BeachGrit: Now tell me all about your house overlooking
the best wave in the Caribbean?
Carson: Well. I’m a lucky man. I jump off my front yard, have a
few paddles and am in the line up. no drift. No cold water. Often
I’m the only one out. The wave is a long, high-performance
righthander with a little bit of everything. I can tell from my
porch when the first ridable wave of a new swell comes down the
point. Sometimes I’m already out waiting for it, thanks to Surfline
and Magic Seaweed. I never tire of watching the offshore lines of
any swell or mindsurfing if it’s tiny and still perfect. I can see
the point from my bed, can’t sleep if it’s big or a new swell is
arriving. It’s truly,and literally, a dream set up. I bought the
house 17 years ago sight unseen. I only knew of its location. I’ve
never had buyer’s remorse.
…with the one, the only, the incredible Steve
Sherman…
It’s abundantly clear that without the photographer
Steve Sherman backstage at a surfing event, the results
will be vulgar, anarchic, hopeless. We might sentimentalise the
low-fi photo but the results, on close inspection, are often clumsy
and ignorant.
What could be more depressing than having such a tight
collection of surfing greats and none of those wonderful
behind-the-scenes moments are stolen?
At the recent Vans US Open of Surfing, the San Diego
photographer Steve Sherman penetrated everything, and
everywhere.
His photos, I believe, have a commercial, contemporary
theatre.
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Nature at best: Alligator goes
surfing!
By Ashton Goggans
And is trapped, fate unknown, thereby raising
profound question: whose domain is it?
Yesterday on idyllic Pawley Island, in beautifully
progressive South Carolina, a seven-foot alligator was
seen casually riding waves, frolicking in the water’s
balmy August warmth.
According to The Daily Mail, “Police officers who were
called to the scene followed the amateur four-legged surfer for two
hours as it unhurriedly made its way a mile up the shore.”
(Most likely) the gator took a few lefts on the inside sandbar,
favoring his left hand approach in the small, glassy peelers. Then
he took a look at a couple corners outside, made his way up the
coast slowly, patiently waiting for sets.
Basically, enjoying a Monday afternoon bodywomp!
And fuck if South Carolinians aren’t harsh on outsiders picking
off peaks! A pack of “professional gator trappers” (imagine! The
life!) eventually got close enough to lasso it and drag it from the
water. Like fucking coastal cowboys!
Now, alligators are for me perhaps the only animals scarier than
sharks. Being from Florida, I’ve witnessed attacks from both.
Sharks are quick, their attacks chaotic bursts from below. But
alligators are monsters. They are scrappier, uglier, and just as
fast on land as in the water. They can torque off an appendage with
one dramatic twist.
But part of me thinks, That poor reptilian man-eater! Literally
dragged from the water! The fucker commenced “about 20 Death
Rolls” before trappers got a good handle on him, taped his
trapped-door of a chomper shut, and dragged him away.
What do you think? Should the beast have been allowed to cruise
the coast, sliding summer shorepound as he made his way north?
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“Screw you Robbie Maddison!” says
Slater
By Rory Parker
Actually no, he don't! Instead, twenty five years
of Slater… condensed!
The Kelly Kut, a “borrowed” footage edit of Mr Slater’s
decades-long run at the forefront of performance surfing is a trip
to watch if you were alive and cogent during the early years of his
reign.
It seems like Kelly’s been this grizzled old vet for ages. With
his peanut-brown dome and weathered good looks, he’s an elder
gladiator, older but no slower, more cunning, maybe slightly less
motivated.
But he was a young man once.
Not too long ago he was a Baywatch-starring ground
breaker who was plastered on my walls.
Watching the old footage, juxtaposed with the new, it’s striking
how little he’s improved over the years. His boards are different,
his style a little more perfect, but it’s unreal to ponder how far
ahead of the pack he was, and how long it took everyone to catch
up.
If anyone even has.
Some kids may come close in certain aspects. It’s hard to beat a
teenager’s air game, what with their bendy bones and hyper-flexible
ligaments.
But no one else is the total package, it’s doubtful anyone ever
will be.
This is a killer video, give it a watch. And soon.
‘Cuz there’s a whole lot of sampled content on there, I’ll be
surprised if it doesn’t get yanked from the web post-haste.
Even if Kelly is stoked on it and posted it to his instagram
page. What does he care? He don’t own the footage.
Excerpts Courtesy Of:
‘Flow – The True Story of a Surfing Revolution’
Director: Josh Landon
Koastal Media
‘Blue Horizon’
Director: Jack McCoy
A Coastrain Production
www.jackmccoy.com
‘Focus’
Director: Taylor Steele
Poor Specimen Productions
www.sippingjetstreams.com
‘Good Times’
Director: Taylor Steele
Poor Specimen Productions
www.sippingjetstreams.com
‘Cypher Vision’
Director: Jamie Tierney
Quiksilver Films
www.quiksilver.com
‘Kelly Slater: In Black and White’
Director: Richard R. Woolcott
A Pavillion Film
www.quiksilver.com
‘The September Sessions’
Director: Jack Johnson
Jack Johnson Films
www.jackjohnsonmusic.com
‘Letting Go’
Director: George Opadchy & Jamie Tierney
A Pavillion Film
‘The Dream Tour 2005’
Director: Matt Gye & Shagga
ASP International/Mutiny Media
‘Young Guns 3’
Director: George Opadchy & Jamie Tierney
A Pavillion Film
www.quiksilver.com
‘Campaign’
Director: Taylor Steele
Poor Specimen Productions
www.sippingjetstreams.com
‘Campaign II’
Director: Taylor Steele
Poor Specimen Productions
www.sippingjetstreams.com
‘Days Of Strange’
Director: Ivan Tanjung & Kai Neville
Poor Specimen Productions
www.sippingjetstreams.com
‘What’s Really Goin’ On’
Director: Jason Kenworthy Ryan Ray
Mike Reola
Lost Enterprises/Snapping Turtle Productions