Kelly Slater and the burden of being!

Isn't being hypocritical what makes us human?

We all live our lives by various woven together standards, be they religious, philosophical, metaphysical, conservative, libertine.

Me? I’m as Christian as Beth Hamilton. More heavily Calvinistic less evangelical but these differences are merely academic. I wander far from the path, egregiously, but that’s what makes being human very fun.


Kelly Slater, fourteen time World Champ, is also not shy about broadcasting much of his belief structure. Pro healthy foods, clean living, yoga with various touches of conspiracy thrown in for flavor.

One of his primary stances is environmentalism. He loves Mother Earth very much and is not shy about lending a hand, or his name, to different planet first causes.

OuterKnown, his clothing label, makes a specific point of producing in a sustainable way. Buzzy but very admirable. He says:

I created Outerknown to smash the formula. To lift the lid on the traditional supply chain and prove that you can actually produce great looking menswear in a sustainable way…the last two years have been a huge eye-opener for me. It’s clear now just how challenging it is for any brand to put sustainability at the forefront of their business and I’m proud that we’re one of the few taking the lead.

Manufacturing creates massive waste and pollution and so to cut, where possible, helps but do you know what pollutes more grossly?

Air travel!

Nothing befouls like airplanes. They pump more CO2 into the air than almost anything. The New York Times called air travel our “biggest carbon sin” and added, “Every time you fly you trash the planet.”

And so you can imagine Kelly Slater’s dilemma as he flew around the world in a private jet belonging to OuterKnown’s parent company Kering to check on his OK supply chain.

Flying private is far worse than flying commercial as it adds an almost unnecessary layer of pollutants on top of already critical levels. The Wall Street Journal reported that a passenger flying private contributes five times as much carbon-dioxide as a passenger flying commercial.

A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend was on this private jet with Kelly and said that he could not stop wringing his hands, fully aware of his gross duplicity. He told his friend who told a friend who told a friend who told me that Kelly spent all of his time trying to come to terms with what he was doing.

His wave pool, also, is a complete and utter ecological nightmare. The amount of power it takes to run that thing, no matter how it is sold to the public, is massive and serious. Rory Parker did a wonderful job of pointing out the inherent falsehoods in the fact that it is advertised as being 100% solar powered.

Still, I would like to ease Kelly’s emotional burden. It is so much better to have ideals and break them into a million little pieces then to be hopelessly pessimistic and droll. He should stop worrying about his casuistry and celebrate being all too human at least for a few moments in elevated life.

Don’t you think?

Ben Gerring
The Western Australian surfer Ben Gerring, attacked by a shark today at Falcon Beach, Mandurah. | Photo: Facebook

Just in: Surfer loses leg in Shark Attack!

"He's still on the beach now... they've been doing CPR to him."

Earlier today, a Western Australian surfer was attacked by a shark at Gearies Beach, an hour-and-a-half south of Perth.

Ben Gerring, who is 29, lost part of his leg and, according to news reports, is “fighting for his life.”

From PerthNow,

Falcon Bay Beach Cafe worker Shaimous Wright said two men came rushing in after 4pm asking for ice, telling him someone’s leg had been bitten off.

“We gave it to them for free, apparently his leg got bitten off,” he told PerthNow.

“We don’t know if they knew him, all we know is that they were just trying to help.”

He said customers and staff were in a state of shock over the incident.

Jodie Hough, a Halls Head local, said the man was still conscious when he was brought up the stairs from the beach.

She said he had no right leg from the knee down and believed a couple of people had dragged him from the water.

A reporter from the Mandurah Mail, Nathan Hondrostold the ABC:

“The gentleman was on the beach by the time we got down here,” he said. “Ambulance crews were trying to resuscitate him by the looks of it. RAC rescue chopper came in yeah, so it was just quite desperate and heart wrenching scenes. He had lost a leg from what looked like above the knee, so it was quite a savage attack by the looks of it. We had a talk to some of the surfers who were out there in the water with him, but look, they weren’t in the mood to talk while their mate is in serious trouble,” he said.

Earlier in the day, a 10-foot great white had been spotted nearby. Beach is closed etc.

Mason Ho The Eddie 2016
Episode three of License to Chill is a sparkling document of February's big-wave contest The Eddie, in which Mason Ho, the star of this six-minute short, finished eighth. | Photo: WSL

Just in: Episode 3, License To Chill!

Come see Mason Ho slay Waimea Bay in his sparkling weekly video series…

The new Mason Ho web series License To Chill, I’ll posit and debate, is better than anything I, or you, could’ve imagined. He’s such a handsome and smooth pebble!

Kolohe Andino says, “The way his brain works is a lot different than any of my other friends. It’s refreshing to hang out with him, and get him talking about something. It’s like he’s a complete innocent.”

Do you remember episode one, when Mason threw himself against the cliffs of Uluwatu and shared a boogie board with the three-time world champion Tom Curren?

Or episode two, with its tour of the Oahu coastline, traversing north to west? The rock-hopping? The V-Land roll ins?

And, just then, episode three arrived on the Lost Surfboards blog. Ep 3 follows Mason at this year’s Eddie contest, where he finished eighth. See Mason pull into Waimea lefts, see Mason slay the shorebreak, see Mason do this, that, and appear as a droplet of golden sunshine on the often dark North Shore.

“With who his family is, he could’ve been a fucking prick,” says Bruce Irons. “But his Dad would never let Mason be a kid like that. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Episode three, Waimea Bay, isn’t available for us to embed yet (Surfline has the exclusive-for-48-hours deal) but you can watch just by clicking this button, here! 

Johanne Defay wins Fiji Pro 2016
The owner of the most adorable accent in surfing wins the Fiji Pro! | Photo: WSL

Just in: Johanne Defay wins Fiji Pro!

What a day! Hooray for Defay!

Finals day at the fair sex Fiji Pro. Why no title sponsor? Men or women, WSL can’t lock that shit down. Why not? One of the stops everyone looks forward to. Potential for magic.

Volcom had it, right? Split when ZoSea took over. Smart decision on their part, probably. But you’d think the WSL’d be able to find someone to kick down a bit of dough. Maybe there are reasons.

Hamilton started things off playing the one armed bandit, stealing title points from tour members. Hell of a lot of wildcard spoilers going down this year. No matter how Bethany finishes she’ll be the mainstream media darling over the next few days. Rest of the ladies can go to hell.

It’s really too bad she’s so religious. Obviously an amazing human, overcome adversity, positive mindset, blah blah blah. But I just can’t get behind anyone who uses the spotlight to push their faith. Which she does. Has her own bible thumper non-profit, uses surf to steal minds. Fuck that noise.

I’m sure that opinion won’t make me any friends. Whatever. She gets to push her agenda, I get to push mine.

Johanne Defay’s accent is absolutely fucking adorable.

Moore/Enever was pretty crazy. Gotta love C-Mo’s barrels, how she pushes through her turns. One of the shortfalls on the female end. Maybe it’s a lack of size, strength, but when it gets a little bigger a lot of the ladies back off towards the end of their turns. Enever was doing it pretty bad. Lip checks instead of top turns. On guys it’s a full fear move. Section starts to suck, run for the shoulder instead of bomb to the bottom. But the ladies are tiny, might just be difficult to bury a rail at full speed. They manage pretty well on the smaller ones.

Super mismatched heat. Not that Enever don’t surf real good, but Moore’s on another level. Surfs like a man. Which is an absurdly sexist way of praising a top level female athlete, I know. Sorry.

Hamilton and Defay got real lucky they didn’t draw her in the semis. Now they’ve each got a 50/50 chance for a finals finish. ‘Cuz Carissa’s on a tear and I’m calling a win for her while watching the quarters.

I’m increasingly impressed with Ms. Buitendag. Tons of power behind her turns, great style despite her lanky frame. She’s getting better too! Put Conlogue to sleep pretty effortlessly, but faces Moore in the next round. Gonna be pretty shocked if she makes it through that one.

Defay rips her first wave of the heat to shreds, things don’t look so good for Hamilton. 9.2, backs it up with a solid 7. Seven minutes in and Bethany’s combo’ed. Not that it matters. This ain’t her full time job, performance so far’s sure to earn her some more talk show appearances.

Man, type about the tiny weak little ladies backing off turns then Defay comes and puts the idea straight to bed. Absolutely hammers her third wave, snags an 8. Follows up with an even better one. Digs Hamilton a hole so deep she can’t see sunlight.

Sweet jeebus, Carissa is killing it this comp. Like, especially so. 9.77 on her first wave, just straight bashing the lip, snagging some cover. Repeating last round. Buitendag is surfing well but she just can’t touch Moore at her best.

Still though, Bianca is laying down some big swooping carves. Putting her size to good use. She’ll go down fighting. Her last post-heat interview was… odd.

Put some duct tape on her board, give it an “African fix.” Awful close to saying “nigger rig it.” I don’t think it’s unfair to suspect a South African of casual racism. Because of, you know, history.

Heat’s turned into a real back and forth battle. Might’ve written Buitendag off a bit too soon. Could be a shocker.

I’ve said it before, I’m saying it again. The WSL needs to stop running women’s heats when it ain’t good enough for the men. Give the ladies their own show, quality surf, they shine, sparkle.

Poor Bianca. Judges just handed the lead to Moore with a gross overscore. With the way these women are ripping a snap to hung up top turn shouldn’t be a 7.27. They can do better. Buitendag’s forehand carves are magic!

Moore did better. Has it in the bag with five minutes left. Blasted the fins out the back for her second 9+.

Ha! I forgot Hamilton rides for Rip Curl. Remember when they used slaves to make jackets? Remember how they just swept it under the rug?

Defay/Moore in the final. Nice end to a day of ripping.

The little French girl is on fire today, but so is the bubbly Hawaiian. Wish they’d just head into the next heat. I’ve got shit to do. Rather not wait around for them to get to business. I understand the reason for the break, but it’s slightly inconvenient for me.

Final starts on a lull. Weak exchange of single turn waves. Set swings wide and catches them out of position. So typical. Whole day on fire, final is a total anticlimax. No way of controlling it, no fix. Just cruel reality.

At just under fifteen minutes in Defay gets a decent one. 8.4. At the rate the ocean is delivering the goods it might be enough to hand her the win.

If Rosy Hodge agreed to play “would you rather” with me I’d come up with something way better.

But really I’d just stammer, trail off, and go hide in a corner somewhere.

Damn, disappointment. Really thought we were gonna get something special here. But the ocean doesn’t want to cooperate.

Seven minutes left and we start to see some energy. Moore on firing, links a huge bash into a finner. Comes unstuck and Defay is right behind her. Dismantles it all the way to the inside.

6.67 for Moore. Pretty high for a single turn. But it was an amazing smash. Defay earns an 8.7 though, so Carissa is in a deep combo and no matter what Pottz says she doesn’t have much of a chance.

Two minutes left and Carissa Moore needs 17.11. Show’s over.

What a day! Hooray for Defay!

Sucks that things ended on a slow note, but we got an entire day of top notch action.

If you don’t watch the women, and I know a lot of people don’t, go hit the heat analyzer. You won’t regret it.

Watch: Matt McConaughey react! fabulous El Niño surfing!

If this current generation has brought anything to the world it is memes. Maybe the “Greatest Generation Ever” scoff at the pointlessness, the shallowness of repurposed comedy snippets but what the hell did those geezers ever do for anyone?

Maybe the “Baby Boomers” scratch their heads and wonder how millions upon millions of people can be moved by something so…basic but  what the hell did those old farts ever create, entertainment-wise?

Maybe “Generation X” (that’s me!) slide our clumsy thumbs over technological wonders we don’t fully understand….wait. I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me!

Memes are great by any measure. And the ones that get on the spike are almost always very funny. This one, by Norwell9, of the great Matthew McConaughey emoting to various El Niño makes and misses has not gotten on the spike yet but can we help get it there? Can we share it a million times between ourselves and get it mentioned on E! TV later tomorrow eve?

Watch and I can guarantee laughs! Also, did you know that I can spell McConaughey now without consulting the Internet? This my the first writing where his last named snapped fully into place. It has taken a decade and a half but I’ve arrived. Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie!

Matthew McConaughey – Reacts To El Nino Surfing Footage! (Instagram) from Norwell9 on Vimeo.