Parker: “Open your ass, open your mind!”

The noted Mr. Parker is thrilled to hear Mr. Turpel say, "He's got a tool that vibrates!"

I’m not feeling the surf scene today. Not much going on. Piles of inland trash are flocking to Huntington Beach to grab heaps of worthless swag. Be sure to drop it on the ground next to a trash can before they drive home.

Watched an hour of Joel Tudor’s Duct Tape Invitational yesterday. Beyond the weirdness that comes with running what I thought was supposed to be a souled out bro-down fun times event during the world’s most corpo garbage festival, it was boring. So boring. I’d comparing it to watching paint dry, but in that case you can at least catch a cool buzz from the fumes.

Right now it’s waist high mush, Bino Lopes and Torrey Meister are battling to see who can grovel the hardest. Only bright point is Turpel talking about Meister’s vibrating butt pillow.

“He’s got a tool that vibrates. He can sit on it and it actually is just a total game changer.”

I’m sure it is. Open your ass, open your mind. Stimulate your chakra, or something.

It’s pouring rain on my end. Gonna use the day to run some errands. Serve y’all up a very funny video that is totally unrelated to surfing before I get going.

Baby, daddy gonna love you forever… 

Love: WSL Stud Holsters Gun!

Sebastian "Sea Bass" Zietz proposes to girlfriend at the US Open…

Have you ever been struck by love? It’s a helluva thing, a mix of anxiety, longing and desperate possession. It can really burn your nuts!

For some, it quickly settles into bland coupledom: lazy sex, petty recrimination and the special wretchedness only known to the married couple.

For others, however, love… soars. 

The Florida born, Kauai-raised surfer Sebastian “Sea Bass” Zietz, who is twenty eight years old, hopes he’ll be in the latter category after proposing to his girlfriend of four years, Krisy Fult, yesterday.

Watch the proposal here! 

From the OC Register:

What’s more romantic than popping the question at one of the world’s biggest surf stadiums?

As a plane passed by with a marrage proposal above the Huntington Beach Pier Friday, most people in the crowd had no idea the romantic gesture was made by pro surfer Sebastian Zietz, a Hawaiian in town for the big Vans U.S. Open of Surfing.

The banner pulled by an airplane above the water read: ““KRISY FULT, WILL YOU MARRY ME?”

At the same time, Zietz got down on one knee while on the pier and proposed to his girlfriend. 


Did you know the pair already own a gym together? Examine here!  

And, let’s study the bonafides of Ms Fult, in her own words.

As a pre teen I participated in competitive all-star cheerleading on an individual and team level. I found myself a state champion two years in a row for individual jump performance. My love for competitive cheer took me to my next destination, COACHING! I spent many years working as a competitive cheerleading coach to Treasure Coast High School and Cheer Explosion Allstars in my home state of Florida. I participated in competitive hip hop dance as well. Now a days you can find me at the BARRE! Barre really resinated with me, taking me back to my dance roots. I am a barre above certified instructor. My business experience comes from my retail background. I am the former DM of Brandy Melville USA in Southern California and owner/operator of On my time off I enjoy fishing, a recent interest in spear fishing, country music and traveling. I have been so lucky to have seen so much of this amazing world with the best travel partner around. 
What’s not to love?
Meanwhile, Zietz, who is rated tenth in the world despite being a wildcard and who has won over $150,000 in prize money so far this year, recently featured in a very good WSL profile film.


Dilemma: Knuckle tats and the pro surfer!

The knuckles are wonderful places to advertise a life motto. Which pro surfer has the best?

Many of today’s surf stars wear tattoos. Mick Fanning sports a family crest, Silvana Lima her 2009 Bells Bell. Joel Parkinson has the phrase “Life is better in boardshorts!” on his inner arm and Dane Reynolds the cutest little anchor over his heart.

These are all wonderful but none appear on the Mt. Olympus of inspiration.

The knuckles.

Knuckle tattoos are like very smart tweets. Minimal characters to get maximum hype. Eight single letters, or seven if you happen to be Kala Alexander. His Wolf Pak does the trick very well but what about Filipe Toledo’s Wild Free.

Does the young Brazilian seem overly wild or overly free? No? False advertising maybe?

What about Kanoa Igarahsi’s Cats Meow. Do you like that one?

Taj has Bride Maid. That seems good and Bethany Hamilton has Beth which is elegantly simple.

If you could recommend knuckle tattoos for the rest of today’s brightest what would they be?

Kelly Slater, on left, discusses Hawai'i with Rory Parker, center.
Kelly Slater, on left, discusses Hawai'i with Rory Parker, center.

Dear Rory: Is Kelly Slater a haole?

The noted Rory Parker on racism in paradise!

Get ready to ponder you fun loving Hawaiian. Is Slates a haole? Think about it, sure he owns land on the North Shore, multiple Pipe champ and winner of the Eddie. However, he is from Florida, certainly would not categorize himself as a local, and owns homes all over the world. Hmm sounds like….
mahalo you fucking surfer,
One Confused Honkey

The dreaded h-word! My eyes!  My ears!  How could you do this to me?

I’m fascinated with the term, “haole.” I spend most days playing with words, pay a lot of attention to how people react to them. And the h-bomb is gold because of the multiple ways it can applied and understood.

If you spend some time clicking around the internet you’ll find plenty of people arguing about the word.  Should it have an ‘okina?  Does it mean “without breath?”  Is it a racial slur?

At its simplest, colloquial, level it means “white.” Or caucasian, if the use of color confuses you. And that in itself is not an insult.

But context is gorgeous and a subtle tone shift can turn it from descriptor into pure venom.

“Do you know Steve?  Haole guy, works at Bubba’s Burgers?”


“Did I tell you about my new neighbor? That fucking haole cut down my plumeria tree while I was at work. Says he’s scared his dog will eat the flowers.”


“Some fucking haole up near Princeville built a gate across the public beach access.”

You can’t help being a haole.  But you sure as hell can avoid being a fucking haole.

Now, I know the rebuttal.  “It’s still racist. You shouldn’t use someone’s skin color as an insult.”

Blah, blah, blah. I hear it a lot. Too often. Usually once everyone has had a few drinks and every shade of brown has gone home so all the honkeys can spout off without checking the room.

Motherfucker, you’re a professional earning well into six figures. Some teenager shouting an insult from a passing car does not make you Rosa fucking Parks. A rude waitress is not endemic racism.

“Yeah, but locals hate white people.”

Since when? How much effort have you put into making local friends? Oh, you’ve got a few? But they’re the good ones, right?

Do some locals resent haole transplants?  Of course. We’ve earned it.  The white hand has not been gentle in Hawaii.

Even beyond the outright imperialism, it’s frustrating to grow up somewhere and watch a bunch of affluent invaders buy up everything. Price you out of your hometown. Get their greedy mitts on every shred of available land and refuse to let go.

If you grew up in a LA beach suburb you’ve experienced the Silicon Valley invasion. Wasn’t fun, was it?

If you move, or travel to, somewhere and find yourself in constant conflict with its residents you should take a long hard look at your own behavior. Blaming everyone around you without trying to assimilate is something a fucking haole does.

Yes, Slater is a haole. I am a haole. You most likely are too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to be proud of.  It just is.

Just don’t be a fucking haole. Don’t drive down Kam Hwy ten miles below the speed limit taking pictures out the sunroof of your rental. Don’t try to cut in line at the market. Don’t snake someone’s parking space because you’re in a hurry. Don’t complain because your food is taking to long. Don’t paddle out at Rockies and act like you’re in an NSSA explorers heat. Don’t look for persecution in your every interaction.

Caught in a jam?  Stuck in a pickle? Send your life questions to [email protected]. Due to volume Rory cannot respond to every letter.

BeachGrit TV: “Tired of being told NO!”

In this latest episode we have the gorgeous founders of What Youth!

Have you ever left the safety, the comfort, of a sure thing and launched into the dark unknown? Did you wake each morning in a cold sweat? Did you wonder if your plans, maybe hatched during a drunken hour, would actually pan out? Could actually pan out?

Oh how easy it is to sit on the sideline and snipe. Creating something though, anything, out of scratch takes all kine moxie. It takes a strong backbone and a stronger pair of Ray Bans. It takes a teflon coated spirit. It takes guts.

And here we have two of the three founders of What Youth, Travis Ferré and Scott Chenoweth looking like the coolest jazz cats on earth and talking a little about what it feels like to build something.

What Youth has become a necessary component of our surf universe. The profiles, direction, art and spirit define what is coming next rather than what has been. Without it none of us would have anything to bounce off. They define the borders of our frontier.

This interview here is not deep but it is fun… or was fun for me. I got to drink many spicy pineapple margaritas with two of my favorite people on earth!