Are you a closet masochist or a great philanthropist? Come find out!
We live in a wonderful mobile age, no longer bound by family or work. The internet has freed us from both! Each of us can live anywhere our heart desires! Whichever beach we choose! And so where we live speaks to our personality, to our hopes, to our dreams, to our life’s style. And what do these beaches say?
San Clemente: The surfer who chooses San Clemente as home is outwardly progressive and inwardly reactionary. He loves the latest in board design, the latest in rotational grab but also hates change. This conundrum totally blew his circuits and now he seems human, perhaps even a beautiful model, on the outside but inside is a big ball of hot, sparking, disconnected wires. (See Luke Davis.)
Venice: And I’m not talking Venice-adjacent here, I’m talking Venice proper. The surfer who lays in head in Venice hates surfing. He hates waves and is happy to spend millions and millions of dollars so he doesn’t have to live by them. (See the man who works at Google)
Bondi: The Bondi surfer is a closet masochist. On the outside he loves fine weather, beautiful nature and wholesome food cooked out of the freshest organic ingredients. On the inside he lives to watch sections close out on each side of him time and time and time again. He doesn’t want for an open racing wall, an open tube. He wants for frustration. (See a muscular German)
Rio: The Rio surfer believes in a good time but doesn’t believe in tomorrow. Pollution? Who cares! Massive inflation? Who cares! Corruption? Who cares! Those are tomorrow’s problems and tomorrow doesn’t exist! (See the Buddha)
Long Beach, NY: The New York surfer grew up playing the puzzle game Tetris and has chosen to live in a Tetris world. He loves to take his board onto subways and trains and figure out how to fit it between the overweight Puerto Rican, the very thin Hasidic Jew and the boy breakdancing for change. This gives him more joy than actually surfing since actually surfing means sitting in a pool of frozen slush. (See Will Shortz)
Puerto Escondido: There was a movement right when leg ropes, or leashes, were invented where certain surfers rebelled against them and called them “kook cords.” These rebels now live in Puerto Escondido. Their leash hatred so cemented to their souls that the possibility of regular death is a better option. (See your angry uncle)
Superbank: The Superbank surfer might, at first glance, appear aggressive, angry shallow and mean. Selfish too. But if one peels just one layer back, he will discover a surfer who loves other people so much that he wants to sit shoulder to shoulder every single time in the water. He wants his fellow surfer to fall out of the sky and onto his head. He wants his fellow surfer to enjoy his tube with him. He is a lover! A great philanthropist! (See Sir Mick Fanning)
this was the best article youve written in weeks
new york surfers are walking jizz dumpsters
So my co-worker who scored “epic county line” is as tough as he tells me?
Maroubra surfer 1 – local. May have a neck tattoo and be friends with skeeper’s brother. Likely rides a high performance shortboard and shreds. If not maybe friends with someone who does. Proficient with a rear naked choke, throat strike and schooner. Anger levels range from simmering to volcanic.
Maroubra surfer 2 – Blow in. Becomes adept at spotting and avoiding locals. Could ride anything (due to being a fucking blow in). Extended exposure to surfing the ‘bra sees a developing pathological hatred of south swells. And boardriders comps. And clubbie flag placements in front of good banks.
Anger levels range from simmering to volcanic.
haha lol
SF/Ocean Beach
1. Frequent casual OB claims to passengers of their ride sharing service, but in fact have paddled out once at OB and now stick to Pacifica (yet always surf checking Sloat before heading south).
2. Broad shoulder “titans” often seen peeling off their suits before first light and disappearing amongst a swirl of single origin, coconuts, toast, and designey lives.
Add uuuu
3. Guys who are tired of all the paddling and all the wind and christ, is it too much to ask for some playful head high days once in a while? Fucking hell.
Someone got beat up a few too many times at silver strand.
Noosa: You moved to the area for the laid back vibe, but were forced to dip further into your parent’s inheritance than planned. Your penchant for yoga and chia seeds does not translate into mellowness in the water where you relentlessly paddle inside any and everyone on your 9’6″ modern antique board that you paid about $1000 more than it’s worth because the shaper has a cool logo. (And the other local blokes boards are cheaper, so they can’t be any good). Tough as you are, it’s mainly about abusing the weak and young, and only then if you have strength in numbers to back you up. The fact that you can’t turn and have never surfed a wave over waist high doesn’t decrease your sense of self worth. Nor the fact that you’re never to be seen when the open beaches are catching miles and miles of tubular smiles. My hope is that you get run down by a 4WD that’s never been offroad on a hot day in Hastings St.
Sorry, that escalated a bit quickly.
… perfect description of First Point
Ah, yet the deeper levels of Dante’s Hell as you progress further into the national park!
It was pretty much first point except for one or two snarky asides that are observed at all venues.
Johnsons: Difficult to pass comment on the folk who surf here as I couldn’t concentrate for all the noise made by SUPs crashing into one another.
National Park: The youth and desperate for a wave before work crew operate on a level of voracious wave appetite that ensures nothing gets through to the carpark without at least 7 drop ins. Superbank lite.
Tea-Tree: Middle aged males trying to re-connect with their surfing days of old by imagining themselves to be gracefully drawing arcs on crystal blue canvas. In actuality they are jerkily avoiding the hordes of backpackers on hire boards who paddle relentlessly into the wrong place at every opportunity. Both groups watch on in awe as the same 3 blokes get all the good waves.
Granite: The retirement village. If you aren’t riding a board that is 3′ longer or 2″ thicker than you need, be prepared for ferocious stink-eye. Don’t fret too much, their focus is myopic at best. Favourite manoeuvre is to take off on a wave and ride it just past the point where anyone else could takeoff, then paddle back out to the top of the line up. The fact that it continues ridably for another 200 metres is less important than your ability to immediately tell your mates about how close to almost not making it to the bottom of the fattest wave on the East Coast you were.
Yep.
Though there’s still some good souls who surf Noosa. Mostly old timers. Granted not many. They mainly show up and have some fun on the small days. Avoid the circus of “swell events” like the plague.
During a tradeswell or cyclone, Noosa must have the highest ratio of fucktards of any lineup in the world. Anywhere. Way worse then Snapper
When I was last there (admittedly not that big and at 4:30 in the morning) I was surprised how polite everyone was. I thought maybe my crazy bogan stare was improving.
Jeezus, I forgot about the full moon crew.
*raises hand
Swell of the Century anyone? Kong talked up on tv, radio and social media how epic it was going to be at Noosa and then had the time of his life with a group of pros over for the Snapper comp at Carties. Meanwhile at least twice the ‘normal’ number of punters turned up. Well played Kong, well played.
I saw exactly this last week when it pumped up there.
Yep, the memory is still brutally fresh.
Cádiz: you have more stickers than fiberglass on your board, use a front grip and love webbed gloves and poncho towel things. Getting up for the early means setting your alarm for 10:00.
You are also unfazed by drowned refugees floating face-down through the lineup.
Encinitas: The Peace and Wellness raised surfer that knows the best burrito joint (juanitas/el pueblo), Acaí bowl spot, yoga studio, cougar den (Union), gem stone store and point breaks or reefs from the Kook to Ponto. Rides either a hand shape, Ryan Burch, CI, or Mayhem that was likely a hook up from an industry figure in the area. Never surfs south county and thinks the drive to Trestles or even Oceanside Harbor is too much. Also accustomed to being burned at Swami’s and Cardiff.
That’s me!
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