The gorgeous Amelia Maltepe, born into a strict Muslim family before transitioning into a girl and, wisely, getting the fuck out of Bangladesh.

Board review: “I’m in love with Asian Transsexual!”

A board review that hits Rousseau, Voltaire, Dostoevky and gorgeous women who used to be men!

Nothing but nothing marks a gal as reactionary, out of date and surplus to requirements as resistance to our modern gender fluid world. At least in the west. In the east it is still considered a noble virtue.

So, what to do, if you’re a hetero-normative piece of shit like me and feel a desire to “experiment”, to expand your horizons in a sublimated completely psycho-sexual way?

I have a solution and it’s called an asymmetrical surfboard.

This one I have in my possession is Asian made, designed by a delightfully fruity Japanese man named Cuts under the Insane label, hereafter known as the Insano. It came from the Surfboard Agency in Byron Bay, because made for a goofy, and I, goofy. They needed a goofy to ride and report.

Let us first acknowledge and bow deeply to the Asian elephant in the room. I do not own any Asian-made surfboards, apart from the Insano. Any prick with five minutes to spare will find acres of ranting from L. Tom on the issue and I now have to admit my position has become more nuanced.

No money exchanged.

The Insano is EPS core, biaxial epoxy lam, not my usual choice of materials for reasons to be discussed. It’s a wide-outline, flat fish with neutral rails and a shorter rail line on the toe-side edge and two channels running through the bottom from the fins.

Let us first acknowledge and bow deeply to the Asian elephant in the room. I do not own any Asian-made surfboards, apart from the Insano. Any prick with five minutes to spare will find acres of ranting from L. Tom on the issue and I now have to admit my position has become more nuanced. I have seen many local manufacturers I respect experiment in asian board building. I am happy to see Cuts get a cut of the action, and others, growing older, like Dick Van Straalen find a passive income in retirement from licensing his designs.

Yet I can’t quite get behind the D. Rielly position that a brother is a brother is a brother. That’s fine sentiment but not how most people operate, most of the time. According to Indian essayist Pankaj Mishra, author of Age of Anger, much of the humiliation and anger felt by peeps across the world (especially sanders/glassers/shapers) can be sheeted to a sense that their lives are being radically disrupted by cosmopolitan, transnational elites.

The author and the Insano surfboard and a message that benefits all of mankind! (Even if his Indian essayist in the story disagrees.)

People feel solidarity with the local community, not the globalised elite or even the asian workers making the sleds, computers, clothes etc etc.

Kenchy (glasser/sander), Brown-eye (glasser), Gypo (shaper/sander), Jules (sander) mean more to me than the brothers in Thailand. Human nature. But the guys who own Surf Agency are local surfers, they got families to feed, bills to pay, and as Snoop Dog says in Coach Snoop “Man do what he gotta do to take care of his motherfucking family”.

My moral certainty is shattered ladies and gentlemen of the jury, stuck between Voltaire’s cosmopolitanism and Rousseau’s communitarianism.

It took a while for the Insano to get out the back of the Camry. For shame. And weirdness. I eventually got it finned up with an MR twin on one side from Alkali fins Ballina and a quad set on the other, also hand foiled fibreglass made in Ballina. I couldn’t get a take on what an asymmetrical set-up was supposed to accomplish and so the board languished.

What happened next was a surprise. I’m a terrible surf snob. I cross the street to avoid shit surf and I know shit surf. Got my chops growing up on Bribie Island, a South Pacific backwater that makes Florida look like South Sumatra. In my world view a working gal with a family to raise monkey humping a high volume groveller in slop counts as a crime against humanity. To make a simple equation: Riding shit surf = taking the piss.

I ain’t no leave passer or  board hider but after a couple weeks on the Insano Daddio Longtom started getting creative with little “chores” that had to be done in Ballina instead of making an honest living. Tiny little monsters stirred in his loins at the sight of weak 2footers. After work surfs in C and D grade summer Point surf started stretching into dusk and Pappy’s home life started to suffer.

The grass grew high around the house, so high we lost our only son in it. Pappys Jade stalk and Mammy’s sacred valley grew tangled and overgrown with neglect. Pappy was spending too much time with an asian asymmetrical and not enough on Mammy’s ski jump boobies and derriere you can crack a flea on.

The Insano was champagne and Ritalin*. Loose, unpredictable, slippery, light headed, unreliable, hyper-reactive. Dangerous fun. Like teenage sex. Experimentation for the gal with a family to go home to.

Why so? Because the experience was intoxicating. With a Ghost and the Insano in the Camry I had the high and the low end on lockdown. The Ghost was a buzz from a couple of Sierra Nevadas, maybe a brace of Bush Chooks necked post-surf in the desert lefts. The Insano was champagne and Ritalin*. Loose, unpredictable, slippery, light headed, unreliable, hyper-reactive. Dangerous fun. Like teenage sex. Experimentation for the gal with a family to go home to. Materials that once felt like a liability in good surf now felt like a revelation.

There is benefit to a certain species of human being in pursuing an asymmetric design path. As Dostoevky’s Underground Man in Notes from the Underground was paralysed by ennui and inactivity I see a Hypothetical Man of Means suffering under the weight of mortgage stress, marital and familial responsibility and boredom. And when I say Man I mean Woman and Man and every sexual flavour in between. Life grinds one down. Existence is an emptiness we must populate with meaning as best we can and if riding an asymmetric Asian-made fish in shit surf helps you get through the night then I say more power to your arm babe.

Existence is an emptiness we must populate with meaning as best we can and if riding an asymmetric Asian-made fish in shit surf helps you get through the night then I say more power to your arm babe.

Perfect waves are hard to come by and even harder to appreciate on their own terms. The wave-tub experiences of BeachGrit principals and surf hacks at Lemoore have taught us that. So I say, unless your name is Ryan Burch or Bryce Young, experimenting with asymmetricals in good waves is too risky. Choose a more reliable dance partner.

But if one turn and a close-out reo is your daily bread and you’re bored with white bread missionary attempts to couple with it, I implore you to loosen up the program. Does our Man of Means need an asymmetric fish? Only in the way a fish needs a bicycle, but what’s need got do with surfing? If this one wasn’t a goofy set-up I would jump the morning Jetstar to Sydney and personally hand this over to D. Rielly in exchange for a smashed avo and ristretto at the Trio Cafe.

The other great unexploited ecological niche for a design such as the Insano is as a low end travel board. We approach our OS surf trips with such high expectations – quivering up with sleek designs to ride dream waves – but the truth is underpowered reef breaks and thin-lipped tradewind swells are just as likely. Nothing is more dispiriting to the soul of our Hypothetical Man of Means than paying top dollar to jockey for position at an underpowered Maldivian reef with a posse of Israelis fresh out of the military. That’s exactly the time when you need fruitiness and unreliable handling in a surfboard. Sri Lanka, Maldives, PNG, Costa Rica, Europe, maybe even the motherfucking Mentawais if the forecast is flaccid. All could be rescued from being BS snorkelling trips by a gender fluid little small wave toy.

The Underground Man’s story went tits up, mired in shame, humiliation and self disgust: a precursor to the fate of the internet commenter.

Our story has a more anti-depressive ending.

With TC Gita approaching L.Tom put the Asian cue in the rack ,stopped at the servo and got flowers, cut the grass and once more Pappy’s jade stalk and Mammy’s sacred valley united and the ghetto cow paddocks of Lennox Head reverberated with moans of pleasure all fucking night long.**

To quote the Underground Man, “it seems that we may stop here”.

*Ritalin is Methylphenidate, an amphetamine analogue prescribed to kids with ADHD. It’s a helluva performance and cognitive enhancing stimulant and tremendous fun mixed with booze.

** PG recommended because drugs are stupid and parental sex is gross.v

RIP: Mick Fanning’s career!

"Over-surfing is a self-indulgence..."

Mick Fanning’s career, whose chiseled, slightly melancholic good looks, baritone near-bogan twang and pure speed down the line made it an unforgettable presence on the Association of Surfing Professionals/World Surf League’s Championship Tour died early yesterday at its home in Coolangatta, Australia.

It was 17.

Fanning’s career, born in 2002 with a wildcard win at the Bells Classic, often played out as morally anguished though usually displayed grace under fire. Sometimes it was filled with booze and boozy slurs. Sometimes it was clean and precise, headed to the gym for much training and sweating, but it was always there near or at the top of the professional surf ranks.

In its most memorable role, punching a South African shark in the nose in 2015, Fanning’s career garnered international acclaim for being cool, calm, collected.

It won Surfer Poll’s number three that same year for its performance as a focused Australian Gold Coaster who incurs the wrath of the ocean while defending itself and its fellow competitor Julian Wilson’s career.

Throughout, its persona as the embodiment of Australian decency made it a persuasive advocate for Red Bull, Rip Curl and Stance socks amongst others.

Its honors included Micktory, Tales of a Fucking Jew, White Lightening Strikes Twice, and Micktory III.

In its leisure time it supervised the brewing of beer.

Fanning’s career highlighted that the professional surfer’s main obligation was to entertain, never to bore, and to perform with precision, professionalism and charm. ”Over-surfing,” it once said, ”is a self-indulgence, while under-surfing comes either through a lack of talent or a lack of courage.”

It sometimes succeeded and is survived by Kelly Slater’s career and Martin Potter’s slightly agitated aspiration.

Funeral plans are still incomplete.

mick fanning
Mick and ol pal Joel whom you'd presume won't be far behind Mick…  | Photo: WSL

Tears: Mick Fanning to retire at Bells!

Three-timer sees writing on wall, preserves legacy… 

Twenty minutes ago, via the magical news-feed-to-the-world-called-Instagram, Mick Fanning announced he’d retire after his sponsor’s event at Bells in April.

Yeah, we all knew it was coming. Ain’t no surprise.

The almost-thirty-seven-year-old,three-time world champion had seen the writing on the wall, as they say, and had figured retirement, while still competitive and a world title chance, the most elegant option – before his legacy was evaporated by younger and more gymnastic surfers.

As we all know it’s been a hell of a past few years, the shark at J-Bay, an older brother gone, a divorce and so on.

From Mick aka @mfanno. 

It’s time.

I’ve decided the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach will be my last event as a full-time competitor on the World Surf League Championship Tour. The tour has given me so much but I need a fresh challenge. I still love the game but can’t find the motivation and dedication required to compete for World Titles anymore.

My time on tour has been incredibly rewarding and I have so many amazing memories, all of which wouldn’t be possible without some very special people…

My Mum, Dad, Sister and Brothers. I love you.

My sponsors that have stood by me and continue to back my goals.

My shaper Darren Handley and his entire team for the care and hard work they put into every single one of my boards.

My fellow competitors on tour, you are like brothers and sisters to me.

My very tight support crew that have been there in good and tough times, thank you for always being honest with me.

And thanks to the fans and everyone that has encouraged me and cheered me on for all these years.

I’m looking forward to life away from the tour while keeping a close eye on things. I’m so proud of our sport and the way it continues to evolve. The performance level on the Championship Tour and the Big Wave Tour is remarkable. I can’t wait to watch it all go down as one of the sport’s biggest fans. I’m also looking forward to evolving my own surfing in new ways, visiting unfamiliar places and taking on different experiences.

I will be competing at the opening event at home on the Gold Coast and then wrapping things up at the Rip Curl Pro. Bells Beach is where my Championship Tour career really kicked off, I’ve always loved the place and it seems a fitting stop to finish things up. It’s gonna be a big fun party and you’re all invited to come. Hope I see you there.

Cheers and thanks for the memories.


Mick Fanning and Joel Parkinson from Doped Youth from BeachGrit on Vimeo.

Griffin Colapinto
Griff's last-minute frontside huck to beat Jordy Smith at Haleiwa last year.

Watch: Griffin Colapinto in “This Boy is Special!”

The WCT's hottest new talent since Filipe Toledo… 

Wasn’t it a thrill, back in December, when the San Clemente teenager, Griffin Colapinto, became the first American mainlander since Kelly Slater to win the Triple Crown.

Griffin, who was nineteen, combined with Kolohe Andino to make it a San Clemente one-two. His success in Hawaii wrapped up a spot on the 2018 WCT.

In this five-minute short  by the WSL, we meet a kid who took his scrubbing brush and his hammer and his garden shears to his surfing and shaped it into something that separates him, clearly, obviously, from the hundred other teen prodigies.

Some quotes:

“This kid is… special!”

Forehand air, backhand airs, power hacks, there is no real weakness”

“Really aggressive throw tails.”

And from Rosy Hodge, the journalist entrusted with the post-heat interviews at tour events.

“Griffin, you better get used to those moments, because you’ll be dong them all year on the WCT.”

Although this profile short doesn’t take the viewer especially deep into Griffin’s life, you do leave the cinema with the feeling that this is a surfer who approaches his game with the single-mindedness of a burglar blowing a safe.

Watch his last-minute Hail Mary at Haleiwa last year to beat Jordy Smith for proof of the instinctive trust he has in his surfing.

Want a little more?


Revealed: Tyler Wright’s secret fling!

The world's most powerful surfer comes clean!

Do you train? Like, go to the gym and stuff? What about dance? When the beat drops are you out on the floor, waving your hands like you just don’t care? Well guess what world champion surfer Tyler Wright does? She trains by dancing and not just any dancing, not the dancing you do right before last call, but the best sort of dancing.


It’s true and revealed in this morning’s Newcastle Herald.

“Dancers are athletes, they’re as gnarly as you get,”‘ Wright told the paper. “Surfing isn’t an up and down sport; you move in every direction and having your movements analysed (by a ballet dancer) helps show how you can better use your whole body.”

As further reported…

She says her fling with ballet shows a more thoughtful side to her that people might underestimate.

“I’m more analytical and calculated than people think on the work side of life,” the Culburra Beach product said.

“I love details, I’m fascinated by them, they’ve always held my attention and we (Wright and coach Glenn Hall) spend hours on it.”

Wright has been on the tour since 2011 and, with Kelly Slater’s artificial Surf Ranch added to the WSL schedule and surfing part of the 2020 Olympics, is excited by the direction the sport is heading.

“It’s in a full growing stage, it’s fascinating and everything’s changing but the integrity of it all is still there,” she told AAP.

“It’s clear that I’m a big fan and if people want to bring up (negative) points they better be ready for me to counter them.

“(The Olympics) gives everyone a platform to fall in love with the ocean, to fall in love with surfing and I just think surfing is such a good thing for people.”

I remember a few years ago when NFL offensive linemen took ballet in order to improve their footwork. I thought the idea funny at the time but have since come to love and appreciate ballet. It really is one of the world’s premier arts and while I would not care to see Tyler Wright dancing at the Bolshoi it will be interesting to see how she incorporates the fluid movements into her surfing.

Also, the staunch defense of Surf Ranch and Olympic Surfing… ooo-ee! I would not care for Ms. Wright to counter me.

Also, if I was present for an hours and hours long detailed training session between Ms. Wright and Mr. Glenn Hall I would probably download a video game on my phone and play it.