Bad news for kid-hitters, advises Jen. "It ain't the old days anymore!"

Welcome to the first episode of Ask Doctor Jen. I am not an actual doctor.

Well, I am, but not that kind of doctor.

I do not know anything about human anatomy, but I could, if necessary, solve your history problems. This is not an especially relevant skill.

But who said writers were practical people? If you’ve ever spent time with a writer, you will know that practical things are not at all our strong suits. Try if you can to get us to remember to pay the bills or buy groceries or show up somewhere on time. It’s impossible! We are hopeless.

All of which makes me totally, 100-percent qualified to offer advice on the internet. You have problems, and someone has to help you solve them. So here I am. Let’s solve some problems!

Dear Dr Jen,
My brother in law is a VAL. How can I avoid surfing with him at Christmas?
Signed,
Rick Deadman

Dear Rick Deadman,

We get to choose a lot of things in life, but family just isn’t one of them. Too bad your sibling married a VAL and you are stuck with the consequences forever. Good job, sibling! Honestly, you deserve something extra good from Santa this year. But you can’t avoid surfing with your VAL brother-in-law unless the surf is flat. Maybe start hoping the surf will be flat. Or a good, solid onshore wind. These are your only escapes from what is sure to be surfing purgatory.

Take him to the easiest spot in your town and put him on a big ass board and try not to hate it too much. You could surf with a paper bag over your head, but it might get soggy and people would have so many questions. So just own it. You are taking your VAL relative surfing, because it’s Christmas and that’s the kind of thing we do at Christmas. Make him buy you lunch, maybe. This only seems fair!

Sorry I can’t get you out of this one! Don’t hate me too much!

xoxo
dj

Dear Dr Jen,
my girlfriend is moving away for a year, what board should I buy to numb my bummer?
Signed,
WeirdAlMerrick

Dear WeirdAl Merrick,
Choosing a board for another person is like, Idk, deciding what underwear you should wear. I do not know what underwear you should wear. I mean, hopefully, you are wearing something!

There’s two ways to go with this choice. You can buy a board you already know and love — it’s a sure-fire trip to fun and won’t let you down. Or, you can try something new. I am super into trying new boards, though sometimes, it can lead to frustration! Like, fuck this piece of shit, why did I buy this, I can’t even surf this. This is a thing I have said once or twice! Usually, I figure it out just fine and it was just a passing thing.

Here are some boards I would like to buy right now: If I had good waves coming my way (Ha ha, not in the summer, fuck!), I would buy a Ghost. I am so, so intrigued by that board, after fondling one at a local shop. What is even up with all that double concave? I don’t know how that would even work, but I would love to find out. I would also be tempted to buy a CI Happy, because of the name. I’m so, easily swayed by marketing, it’s almost embarrassing! At least, I’m willing to admit my failings. Also, channels. I have never had a board with channels. What does that even feel like?

For mediocre to good waves, I’d like to have a MR-style twinfin — an actual twinfin, though, no fucking trailer fins. A twinfin has two fins, this is a rule. Fun, fast, whippy: Those boards look fun. I would so ride one, if I had one!

If you have bad waves, I don’t even know what to tell you. Buying a board to surf in bad waves is super depressing and should be avoided — especially if your girlfriend is heading off to do girlfriend things for a year. That’s a long fucking time, dude. I hope you find good waves and a fabulous board to ride. A guy should have some compensations in life.

xoxo
dj

Dear Dr Jen,
Is it ever a good idea to teach either a current or potential significant other how to surf?
Yours truly,
the foot of slater

Dear the foot of slater,

During the summer, I frequently visit a beginner-friendly break. The reasons for this choice are long and stupid and not worth dwelling on. Anyway. Last summer, a man would often paddle out with his girlfriend and try to teach her how to surf. This process involved the man yelling at his girl from across the lineup in an effort to tell her what to do. This was not at all effective!

Do not teach your girl how to surf by yelling at her in the lineup. It is a bummer for everyone involved, actually.

Surfing is a weirdly difficult thing to teach someone how to do when you stop to think about it. How well can you explain the strange alchemy that transforms you from lying on a surfboard to standing on one? And that’s not even thinking about the whole question of what to do once you’re standing on a board.

If you’re going to teach your SO to surf, you will need to cultivate your chill. Take them to a stretch of beach break without too many people around. Help them learn to paddle and catch waves without standing up. Try, if you can, to explain the process of standing up — but mostly, you’re going to have to be ready to cheer them on, as they trial and error their way through it — just like you did.

If your SO has ocean experience — boogeyboarding as a child, swimming — it will go so much more easily for them. Sames, if they’re athletic. Make sure they do know how to swim! Around here, I keep seeing people who want to surf, but they can’t fucking swim. I don’t understand this decision. Surfing takes place in water. You should know how to swim before attempting it!

Recognize that you are facing a tall order in teaching someone this weird, chaotic, joyous dance. Be ready to step back and let them fail — and reassure them, that fuck, this thing is hard to learn, but once learned, almost impossible to forget.

xoxo
dj

Dear Dr Jen,
I can’t land an air. Do I need to eat more avocados or less?
Signed,
odcc1v07

Dear odcc1v07,

Avocados are good food. Everyone should eat avocados. They will not, however, magically make your airs better. I’m afraid that landing an air requires practice and blowing a lot of fucking waves until you succeed. This ritual is all very tiresome, but necessary.

To summarize, eat avocados, yes. Then find a rampy beach break, maybe with some wind on it, and keep hopping. Try not to break any bones during this process. Broken bones are a bummer, if we wanted broken bones we would all be skateboarders and not have to wait for the tides and surf and dumb shit like that. We would just go skateboarding and you’d probs already know how to do airs. Okay, hope this helps. Good luck!

xoxo
dj

Dearest Jen,
At what age should a grom be responsible/accountable for their own actions in the water? As in, at what age can I yell at a kid and it’s not frowned upon?

A short story for context: Surfing a fairly fat right-hand reef break on my new mal about a month ago (I’m normally one of your tiny twin fin types, but horses for courses etc) and a friendly head high set approaches. I’m deepest and spot the thing early, paddle in, stand and start to descend down the glassy face. Nice. A grom (male, age ~14, seemingly local because no parents with him) who had spent my entire paddle-in um-ing and ah-ing about whether to go left or right around me has, in the end, ended up sitting directly under the pretty well-defined takeoff spot. He bobs in the water, next to his upside-down board. What the hell, kid. This 9ft mal don’t do crowd navigation like my smaller craft. Sure enough, big fin gash in the bottom of my formerly really pretty mal. $110 repair job courtesy of the bank of Kook Kahanamoku. All I could do at the time was shake my head at the kid and say he needs to do better than that. Went in and grabbed my twinny, kid was gone when I got back out.

Should I have been harder on the kid to really make the point? Did I deserve this for seeing Torren Martyn videos and buying a mal?
Cheers,
Kooky K

Dear Kook K,
My dude, you have violated the first rule of surfing in crowds of mixed abilities: Never ride a pretty board! It will always end in tears. Save the fancy resin tints for the experienced crew or a (hopefully) less-crowded weekday sesh. I am generally a fan of smaller, more maneuverable craft in situations where groms or really, anyone, might make bad decisions in my proximity. Softops are also good for this situation! Running over groms is, on the whole, not a good life choice.

Likewise, for yellin’ at other peoples’ kids, no matter how well-deserved. I know, I know, schooling groms is tradition! But this ain’t the old days anymore. Sorry! You have to be at least sorta nice to the kids.

It is totally good — and even encouraged! — to explain to wayward groms and beginners how to avoid future mistakes. Do not sit under the peak and flail! This is very good advice and you are not a bad person to offer it to the grom in this situation. But yelling at groms is not ideal! Channel your inner chill and explain how not to suck to the kooks. I can’t guarantee it will work, but at least you tried — and the rest of us will thank you for your efforts.

xoxo
dj

Overnight customs delay in Ensenada: Kids with no moms and no notarized authorizations. A boat held in corporate name. The quintessential human trafficking operation…

And what the in the world happened to Todos Santos? It used to be such a fine big wave.

Picturesque. Dangerous. Wonderfully intense painted upon most perfectly by the great Evan Slater.

I remember examining photos in Surfing magazine when I was a young Oregonian and thinking “Oooooee Kelly Slater’s brother sure is brave. He surfs a wave that must be accessed by tugboat.”

And he was brave but then Todos Santos became erased and I don’t know why.

Is it because of Mavericks? Jaws? Because Evan Slater wasn’t really Kelly Slater’s brother and Kelly made sure both Evan and his wave were disappeared in order to hold the spotlight firm?

We may never know but the good ship Sunset and its hearty crew are passing straight by in order to search for clews*.

It took much time to leave Ensenada.

Kids with no moms and no notarized authorizations. A boat held in corporate name. The quintessential human trafficking operation but paperwork sorted and off to find the ghost of Evan Slater then on to Cabo. Windy.com promises strong winds.

Kelly Slater be damned.

*A little sailing humor there for you

"And then he hammered a roofer's nail up his nostril!"

Live in the US? Want to see a surf film that’ll apparently make you suck the lipstick from the boundaries of your mouth, stretch the front panel of your red panties etc?

Across three hundred cinemas in the US, and for tonight only, Heavy Water is having an advance screening before its premiere in a couple of weeks. Click here for locations. 

There’s an advance screening tonight in Melbourne and in Coolangatta on Sunday, June 16.

Heavy Water is about Nathan Fletcher, the once too cute little bro of Christian, and son of Herb, who first rode the North Shore when he was eight and who, in 2011, was almost claimed by the devil during that year’s Code Red swell at Teahupoo. 

The director of The Hurt Locker and Point Break, Kathryn Bigelow, has described it, apparently ’cause I’m getting this second-hand from Heavy Water director Oblowitz, as “magnificently cinematic.”

(Update: Mr Oblowitz emailed a screenshot of the exchange with the following note, “Please publish some form of retraction for implying that I might be creating fake news  or lying or acting in a duplicitous manner concerning Ms Bigelow’s comment with respect to Heavy Water.)

The noted painter and director Julian Schnabel (Basquiat, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly) calls it “a profound insight into the heart and spirit of what it takes to be one of the greatest surfers of all time. If surfing is art, which I believe it is, we get to see the great artist Nathan Fletcher paint his masterpiece. The best surfing film I’ve ever seen.”

I’ve seen that text so I guess it’s true although Schnabel is a man prone to hyperbole and who don’t get out much, clearly.

In this five-minute short, director and subject behave in a manner that suggests the air has been laced with an agent that induces euphoria and relaxation, Nathan talking as if he’s a ventriloquist, teeth never separating, lips never moving, and Oblowitz is his hairy little doll.

(Long-form review coming shortly.)

And do bribes still work in Mex?

Ohhhh sweet Mexico, I see you there off the port side glimmering in the early morning darkness. Like a dusting of flippy sequins flipped to silver and are your children involved in the flippy sequin craze?

The crew of the good ship Sunset certainly are.

Of all mankind’s greatest accomplishments, I believe that continually inventing fads is the most honorable.

Flojos, Hypercolor, Garbage Pail Kids… I thought we had chewed through every last fad possible by 1992 but these days we have squishies, DIY slime and flippy sequins.

The first wetsuit company to employ in kiddie sizes will make a mint but I digress.

Morale is currently high.

Many blue whales frolic in the still chilly water and mini dolphins jump to greet us. Yesterday the crew decided it was a good idea to feed the snacks to a greedy seagull and then tried to make DIY slime with some other snacks.

We will see how it all goes trying to clear customs in Ensenada without paperwork from the mothers.

Do bribes still work in Mexico?

The crew wants to surf Tacos in at Scorpion Bay and I smell a mutiny if it is rendered impossible due bureaucratic shenanigans.

Tacos, again, are what my daughter calls barrels and, speaking of fads I’m shocked that various names for the barrel stopped evolving in 1992.

Green room? Tube? Sugar Shack?

Ugh.

What do millennials call them? What about The Pepsi Generation?

More later.