Raising hell in dirty ol Palmy!

Hide-and-seek: Kelly Slater emerges from self-quarantine on Gold Coast’s own “skid row” to surf beachbreaks…

"Last time I was down there, there was a chap on his balcony with guns to two people's heads screaming and yelling."

Four-and-a-half years ago, the world champion surfer Kelly Slater spent $2.1 million Australian dollars on a beachfront apartment in the Queensland suburb of Palm Beach.

A ten-minute drive from Snapper; a Florida vibe.

If you’ve ever lived on the Gold Coast, you’ll know Palmy.

Its distinctive rows of run-down houses made in the nineteen-fifties from weatherboard cladding, curtains drawn even in the middle of a bright winter day, fronts for the hydroponic and meth units deftly hidden inside.

On a recent forum where readers were invited to detail what suburbs to avoid on the Gold Coast, Palm Beach was regularly noted.

If you dont wanna get stabbed or robbed stay away from as above nerang and palm beach, i live in robina thats pretty nice plus the stadium is getting built atm

Full of deadbeat bogans people who dont work and live on the dole and think its cool. Not all of them of course but alot of people around those areas are

Palmy, druggies.

All I can say is avoid Palm Beach. Full of druggies and bogans and has a very high crime rate. Last time I was down there, there was a chap on his balcony with guns to two people’s heads screaming and yelling. The SERT team came out and ushered us all into random people’s garages and stormed the unit complex. From what I heard afterwards the ended up shooting the dude from the road. It was like something off TV! Time before that the local video shop was broken into. It’s getting worse.

Really beautiful beach though 🙂

In November 2015, Kelly Slater bought a whole-floor apartment in the Joy on Jefferson build, a gorgeous seven-apartment tower on the little service road that runs between the Gold Coast Highway and the beach.

It’s here that Kelly has been helping his fans keep their chins above water by broadcasting rhythm guitar tracks for aspiring guitar heroes to lead over; never-before-heard songs like “Trouble” and offering the chance to decide whether or not they like his quarantine beard.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B-I4RVIg6PS/

https://www.instagram.com/p/B-XCQlWBwxu/

In between his important social media duties, Kelly has been raising hell on the local beachies, an underrated series of wedges broken up by various rock groynes and identified by whatever numbered avenue you came down to get there.

Like, you surf twelfth ave, nineteenth ave, twenty-fifth and so on.

The reader who sent this clip says his building stares straight into Kelly’s apartment and offered hair-raising stories that even your old pal DR was reticent to publish online.

Still, from what we see here, is Kelly, in insane form, painting his surrealist lines into verses that might very well be described as poetry.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B-liTFTDLNN/

Below, the JOJ tower.


"I know, I know, but hush now, about Erik Logan and the WSL and Kelly Slater."

Listen: “I play hard local and send people in all the time. In Covid-19, even the most pussy surfer can do it, ‘Hey Bro, stay six feet away!’ I don’t know why people aren’t owning their local right now!”

Episode two of Dirty Water, a weekly conversation between Chas Smith and Derek Rielly…

Over the course of this forty-eight minute recording, enjoyed with a high-end organic sipping tequila called Solento that was designed to be savoured slowly, BeachGrit principals Chas Smith and Derek Rielly cover a raft of mostly pointless topics.

It is a conversation that, let’s be frank, shouldn’t be loosed on the various podcast platforms, although we all got time on our hands, at least theoretically, so here we are.

Today, we begin with “skinny, gross, easily poundable” Chas Smith describing his favoured method of sending people in, conceding the absurdity of it and that “even an overweight millennial once took me down with an open palm to the neck.”

The topic is open because of how localism is now available even to “sissy surfers” who can legally scream, “Hey bro,  you’re in my six feet” to anyone who encroaches on their real estate.

There is discussion about how easy it is to remove a set of FCS fins with a fist and the impossibility of doing so if your opponent’s surfboard has Futures boxes.

“I don’t know why people aren’t completely grabbing hold of and owning their local right now,” says Chas. “How many times in history has this happened? No time! Except in Hawaii during Bustin’ Down the Door when Rabbit got choked out for being within six feet of whoever.”

The mention of the great surfing documentary opens the table to discussion, again, about HBO’s 24/7 Kelly Slater and why BeachGrit’s Longtom adored it so much (read here).

“Hating on Kelly Slater is like shooting fish in a barrel; to love Kelly is the nuanced take.”

Chas talks about the “atomic bomb” he laid at the end of a film he made for Red Bull that made it impossible to release commercially and the footage he shot of a teenage Kolohe Andino, reimagined as a has-been living in his grandma’s garage after totalling his career with coke and hookers.

“It was a dirty shoot,” says Chas. “I can’t believe we even got the concept through. But the Andinos didn’t like it at the end.”

The recording finishes with a blunt, and predictable, hammer to the head of WSL CEO Erik Logan.

“Game over for the WSL!” says Chas, “Erik Logan is the guy who turned the WSL from a tour to a content provider and now, when everyone is starving for content, all he’s delivered is a half-baked Chris Coté show, I love Chris Coté, but are you kidding me? The WSL’s a wrap!”


Watch: Over one-hundred rental cars burned at Florida airport; “Wildly possessive surf locals” suspected!

And this is what happens when beaches are closed and surfers are not allowed to surf.

If it’s not Coronavirus then it’s Great White sharks preparing a buffet feast of North Carolina’s genteel residents and if it’s not that then it is over one-hundred rental cars set ablaze at a southern Florida airport very near to localized surf spots.

Heavily localized with locals far too scary to pique, surfing west coast Florida waves far too epic to post but… here’s a sneaky picture.

In any case, per reporting from The Weather Channel:

A brush fire burned at least 100 cars at an airport in southwest Florida Friday, spewing plumes of black smoke that could be seen up to 20 miles away.

Officials said the cause of the fire wasn’t known, but the blaze was likely fueled by dry conditions and record heat.

The fire happened in an overflow parking area for rental cars at Southwest Florida International Airport near Fort Myers, in Lee County. The county and much of the Florida peninsula are experiencing moderate drought conditions, according to the United States Drought Monitor.

Some 59 wildfires were active across the state as of Saturday morning, and every county in the state was at either moderate or high risk for fire, according to the Florida Forest Service.

October through May is Florida’s normal dry season, but this year is drier than usual due to low rainfall and record-high temperatures.

The Florida Fire Service said the fire was 95% contained Friday night but crews would remain on the scene Saturday.

The Weather Channel is to be as trusted as much as your local weatherman unless your local weatherman is Brick Tamland.

Surfers know who burns rental cars.

Especially surfers who have been to Oahu’s North Shore.

Other surfers.

Very adjacent to the well-known aphorism “Guns don’t kill people, other surfers do.”

Wildly possessive surf locals.

Usually the answer to any ocean-adjacent trouble and especially in the Time of Coronavirus where beaches are locked, epic waves gone unridden and blow-ins still, still, daring to rent cars.

Don’t agree?

The Bay Boys will set you straight.

And/Or the timely epic about cars burning in a far off land.

More as the story develops.


On the road.
On the road.

Five large Great White sharks amass off North Carolina’s coast, preparing to “feast on buffet” and sending already panicked locals into “paroxysms of sheer terror!”

Horrifyingly delicious.

Today, Discovery Channel is serving up a “Best of Shark Week” marathon in order to soothe a frazzled nation’s nerves. To remind Californians, New Yorkers, Floridians and Idahoans that other terrors lurk beneath the ocean’s placid surface that are neither Corona nor Virus.

Razor sharp teeth etc.

Misanthropic, malevolent, sociopathic urges etc.

Well, viewing numbers may be down as five massive Great White sharks are amassing off the coast of North Carolina and, according to scientists, preparing to “feast on a buffet.”

I imagine that North Carolinians make up a large percentage of Discovery Channel’s viewership and taste of vinegar, pimento cheese, Cheerwine and grits. A veritable buffet feast if there ever was one but let us turn to the experts for more.

A group of five great white sharks is “stacked” off North Carolina’s southern coast, and researchers see the unique formation as proof those waters are a perfect feeding ground for large apex predators.

The sharks — ranging from 8 feet to 12 feet, 7 inches — are lined along the invisible edges of the Gulf Stream, a warm current that also contributes to the creation of the Outer Banks barrier islands.

“Positioning themselves here allows them (sharks) to access a huge range of water temperatures just by moving relatively short distances east and west,” scientists at OCEARCH said in a Monday Facebook post.

The edges of the Gulf Stream are known for hosting nutrient rich “upwellings,” where deeper cold water rises closer to the surface, attracting hungry fish, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

Great white sharks use these areas like a buffet, experts believe.

Maybe North Carolinians taste of hush puppies, fried green tomatoes, cigarettes and Bojangles fried chicken.

Have you ever eaten one?

Much to ponder.


Long Read: Unsealed Lunada Bay “surf thugs” lawsuit reveals shocking acts of wanton “disrespect toward outsiders!”

"Throwing rocks, running people over with surfboards in the water, etc."

Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus, but do you remember when other worries, large worries, loomed over our days and kept us awake at night?

Worries like if those who identify as non-binary had suitable bathrooms and unchecked localism at Los Angeles’s Lunada Bay?

Well, a lawsuit against the notorious “Bay Boys” is being allowed to go forward and its formerly sealed complaints have just been made public.

Should we waltz back to a simpler time when an un-permitted stone fort and name calling represented the sum of our terror?

Without further ado, I present Spencer v. Mowat.

Lunada Bay is a premier surf spot, located in Palos Verdes Estates [a rich suburb of Los Angeles, south of LAX -EV]. The Lunada Bay Boys are alleged to be a group of young and middle-aged men, local to Palos Verdes Estates, who consider themselves to be the self-appointed guardians of Lunada Bay. One of their tenets is to keep outsiders away from the surf location through threats and violence.

Plaintiffs are non-locals who have tried to surf Lunada Bay, but encountered harassment by the Bay Boys. They brought suit against the Bay Boys and more than a dozen of its individual members. Two of those members filed motions to dismiss under the anti-SLAPP law (Code Civ. Proc., § 425.16), arguing that the allegations against them were based on protected speech and petitioning activity. The trial court denied the motions, concluding that the allegations against the moving defendants were actually based on a conspiracy to commit assault and other torts. Those defendants appeal, and we affirm….

The operative complaint is the first amended complaint. The plaintiffs are two surfers, Corey Spencer and Diana Milena Smoluchowska-Miernik, and Coastal Protection Rangers, a non-profit dedicated to protecting California’s beaches and ensuring they are safe and accessible to all visitors.

The defendants are the Lunada Bay Boys, a number of its individual members, including appellants Michael Thiel and Charlie Mowat, and the City of Palos Verdes Estates. Thiel and Mowat are the only defendants who are appellants in this appeal. Our discussion of the complaint’s factual allegations will therefore focus on their conduct, although some understanding of the general allegations is necessary….

Broadly speaking, plaintiffs allege that the Lunada Bay Boys, sometimes with the tacit approval of City officials who did nothing to stop them, engaged in what is known as “localism”—a practice of keeping outsiders away from the surf site through threats and violence. {The complaint alleges more than just tacit approval on the part on the City; it alleges that the City used its discretion to enforce municipal laws in a manner that discriminates against outsiders, and ignored requests of the California Coastal Commission to make Lunada Bay more accessible to the public. As we are only concerned with the anti-SLAPP motions of Thiel and Mowat, we do not further discuss the allegations against the City.}

The complaint alleges that the Bay Boys have “blocked public access to the beaches of Palos Verdes Estates, Lunada Bay in particular, for over 40 years. In what is a multi-generational practice of extreme ‘localism,’ and using rules established by the ‘older boys,’ the Bay Boys use physical violence, threats of bodily harm, vandalism to visitor[s’] vehicles, verbal harassment and other intimidation to enforce their unwritten rule: ‘If you don’t live here, you don’t surf here.’ Indeed, members of the Bay Boys believe it is ‘disrespectful’ for outsiders to visit, use or even photograph ‘their’ beach.”

The Bay Boys, specifically including Mowat, were alleged to have built and maintained an unpermitted masonry rock and wood fort seating area, known as “Rock Fort,” near the beach. “The steep switch-backed trails that lack proper improvements act as perfect pinch points, which the Lunada Bay Boys use to block access to the shoreline. From the Rock Fort and the bluffs above, the Individual Members of the Lunada Bay Boys orchestrate illegal activity that is intended to keep the public away. Some of the more egregious tactics include: (1) physically obstructing outsiders’ access to the beach trails; (2) throwing rocks; (3) running people over with surfboards in the water; (4) punching outsiders; (5) stealing outsiders’ wallets, wetsuits and surfboards; (6) vandalizing vehicles and personal property, including slashing tires and waxing pejorative slurs onto vehicle windows; (7) levying threats against outsiders; and (8) intimidating outsiders with verbal insults, gestures, and threats of serious injury.”

Due, in part, to the local police’s claimed unwillingness to pursue complaints against the Bay Boys, the individual plaintiffs and other would-be surfers who allegedly were harassed by the Bay Boys were often unable to identify the specific individuals who harassed them. As a result, certain allegations of the complaint simply name the “Individual Defendants,” a designation which includes Thiel and Mowat. For example, the complaint alleges that, “Individual Defendants intimidate visiting beachgoers with threats and taunts, by taking photos and video of beachgoers, and by congregating near the entrances to both [trails to the beach].” The complaint also alleges a conspiracy amongst the Bay Boys: “For many years, The Bay Boys have conspired to commit wrongful acts for the purpose of keeping outsiders from coming to Lunada Bay. The agreements between the individual members of the Bay Boys are made orally, in writing, and are implied by the conduct of the parties.”

The causes of action alleged against the Bay Boys and its individual members (including Mowat and Thiel) include public nuisance, assault and battery…..

The allegations against Mowat and Thiel are that, as members of the Bay Boys and “Individual Defendants,” they participated in the conspiracy. However, thanks to discovery in a related federal action, plaintiffs obtained records of some text messages among Bay Boys, and, based on those messages, made some specific allegations regarding participation in the conspiracy.

Having fun?

Continue the terrifying saga here!