Breaking: In “Attack of the Dead Men” moment, brave Western Australian city Perth declassifies surfing as exercise!

"Be responsible and go home."

Humans, while often low, snide and selfish, can sometimes rise to the greatest heights of honor, dignity, selflessness. History has shown us we are at our best with backs to the wall, fighting impossible odds in some inspired last stand.

There are many famous in history, from the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 BC to the Siege of Mecca in 692 but my favorite is 1915’s Attack of the Dead Men.

In short, the Germans, whilst fighting The Great War, were seeking to overtake Osowiec Fortress, in northeast Poland, held by a few battalions of Russians. They waited until 4 a.m. on that early morning of August 6th, for favorable wind conditions, then bombarded the fortress with a mixture of chlorine and bromine gasses. Following the poisoning and waste-laying, over 7000 German troops advanced, expecting little resistance.

The Russians did not have gas masks and were greatly destroyed but one bold sub-lieutenant, Vladimir Kotlinsky, the highest ranking survivor, railed the remaining few, who wrapped urine-soaked rags around their faces, and charged the enemy.

The Germans, it is said, became panicked by the appearance of the Russians, who had turned black and yellow from the gas and were coughing up bits of their own lungs as the hydrochloric acid began disolving their flesh, and retreated so fast that they became entangled in their own concertina wire.

The five remaining Russian guns finished the Germans off.

Kotlinsky died that evening and the Germans took the fort two-weeks later but for one glorious moment, the ragtag were royalty.

Very similar, I believe, to the the plucky but under-gunned grumpy local viciously attacked on all sides by energized VALs who have picked up surfing during quarantine because it is “a great way to remain socially distanced, outdoors, while exercising.”

This categorization of “surfing” as “exercise” the root of many evils for we know that, while sometimes the arms can become a little sore, surfing is NOT exercise but rather a grand waste of time.

Well, the brave Western Australia city Perth appears to be making a last stand. The region is under another Covid lockdown though residents are allowed outdoors for one hour of exercise a day.

Except local Tania Edwards was out walking but became confused after seeing police tell surfers the sport is not classified as exercise.

She shared a video of the encounter to social media which shows police telling beachgoers “surfing is not deemed exercise, be responsible and go home.”

“We saw this police boat coming along shouting with his bull horn,” she told 6PR’s Liam Bartlett.

“I think the government is doing a great job, but I just thought that was a bit strange.”

Not strange.

Brave like the Russians.

Surfing is NOT exercise but rather a fantastic way to sit and stew.

We are all Perth.

Attack!