Breanna, Tia and "savage" Malia.

ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer, episode seven analysis: “Girls will be girls and bitches will be bitches! Wisdom from Malia. Breanna feels like she was in a UFC fight!”

So intense! Let's go!

In this episode: The surfers learn about football.

Some surfers prove better at putting on wetsuits than others. A visitor tries to help them surf better. Two surfers are eliminated and the finals are set. 

I hear there was some sort of world championship today. That sounds very important.

But this right here, this is what’s real.

Reality TV! It’s right there in the name. 

Last week on The Ultimate Surfer, the Bachelor People visited the Surf Ranch. Some extremely awkward surf lessons took place. The winners received red leashes.

Nothing kinky resulted, unfortunately. 

The floater challenge, meanwhile, led to so many floaters, more floaters than anyone should ever have to watch. Really, the next surfer who does a floater in a contest heat should be eliminated right then and there.

Floaters should totally be banned forever. 

Two more surfers lost their chance to be The Ultimate Surfer and win prizes galore. Six surfers remain. Two episodes remain. I thought it was four. I am bad at counting. I do know that tonight’s episode is dedicated to airs. I predict much falling. 

Girls will be girls, and bitches will be bitches! Wisdom from Malia.

Episode 7! Let’s go! 

Only six surfers left, and they are feeling lonely. Malia is the lone wolf and she is ready to see besties Tia and Breanna split. 

What do football and surfing have in common? Apparently, we are about to find out. 

An obstacle course appears. Malia says she’s stressed. 

Jesse is telling us about how he played football in college and then he went to the pro ranks. In between, he did the combine, which measures important stuff. 

So, they’re doing a surfing combine! It’s a race that involves some random things. Duckdiving! Putting on a wetsuit. Paddling super fast. Extra waves are on offer. 

Koa is worried, because he doesn’t wear wetsuits in Hawaii. Kai is worried that he does not train hard enough to beat Zeke and Koa, who are so super fit. 

The wetsuit part is not that smooth. To be fair, putting on a wetsuit when you’re already wet is not that fun, actually. 

Now, a slalom course! 

Koa wins, followed by Zeke. Kai is last. Sorry, Kai! 

But Koa failed an important part of the surfing combine test! He did not get his wetsuit all the way on. One of his feet is still stuck in his suit. Like, you can’t surf like that, bro!

Jesse is shaking his damn head, like did you even listen to the instructions. Surfers, they are so dumb! Football makes you much smarter than surfing. Jesse would not fail this essential test. 

Koa, disqualified!

Now, Koa is last.

Everyone is laughing at Koa now.

Zeke gets two extra waves. Kai gets one extra wave. Koa is like, that’s chill, I don’t need an extra wave. 

The chicks collide! Shit’s getting real now over here. They are paddling over each other. Cat fight! 

Tia wins! Extra waves for Tia! 

Malia is happy she is not last. She gets one extra wave. Breanna felt like she was in a UFC fight. So intense!

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTz2OmnJQMj/

Electric skateboards! Extra prizes for the winner. So sick! 

KELLY VISION!

The wave challenge is best maneuvers. Kelly wants to see some airs now! Flips, rodeos, reverses. He wants to see some radical surfing. 

Out of nowhere, Filipe appears!

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTxPhEcLbkF/

Filipe is a surf god! He was dropped off by Poseidon. Malia is a fan of Filipe. 

Filipe is here to coach them and tell them how to surf better. This is good, because I feel like they do, on the whole, need some help. 

A lot of talk about surfing is happening here. So much! I feel like I should be learning something here, but I am a surfer and learning is hard. 

This surfing challenge is very stressful! It’s like, totally all or nothing. The biggest maneuver! Don’t fall! Kelly’s advice is so wise.

The winner gets into the finale. Tia feels super ready and she has done her best maneuvers in her dreams! She feels calm and so serene. 

Highest score goes to the finals! The losers go to the losers round. Simple.

Turpel is explaining how the judges will score the waves. Big maneuvers mean big scores! It has to be so big now! I feel like even I can understand. 

Breanna says she doesn’t need extra waves, because she is totally ready to shred.

The soundtrack is very excited! I feel like I should be excited too, but it’s late and I surfed a lot today, so I am tired.

Breanna gets a 7.33. 

The pressure is on for Malia and Tia. 

Malia tries an air and falls. Malia does some sort of floater thing and falls on her second wave. Honestly, you really don’t expect me to explain the surfing, do you? No, you do not. 

Anyway, Malia is going to the losers round! Malia might get eliminated! There is so much pressure now. 

Oh, Tia wins! I don’t even know what score she got, but it was super good. She is into the finals! 

Koa did a frontside air reverse. The judges like it, and he gets a seven or something. 

Falling! Kai fell, but he gets an extra wave. Kai missed the grab on his air attempt. More falling!

More falling! Zeke falls! I did not know he could fall. Another fall! It’s good to know he’s human, says Koa.

Zeke goes up for a big air. I do not know if he makes it, because now it is commercial time. 

Nerdwallet. I do not think I need nerds in my wallet but I have been wrong about many things before, and maybe this is one of them! Also, I don’t really have a wallet, so that’s maybe a problem, too. 

Anyway. Surfing. I think we were watching some surfing. Zeke did a thing. 

Oh, he landed it! I am less surprised by this than I might have expected. The judges give him a nine or something. 

Zeke and Tia are into the finals. The rest have to go to the elimination round. 

Zeke and Tia get to gift an extra wave to one of the other surfers. Obviously, Tia gives Breanna the extra wave. Zeke gives Koa a bonus. 

And it’s time for the night surfing! So much drama!

I actually have a hard time to making sense of the night surfing. It’s all like a blur of light and water and stuff. Maybe they are doing something radical. Maybe they are not. 

One wave for Malia, two waves for Breanna! 

Malia fell! That is super tragic for Malia. 

So much falling right now. Breanna fell in the barrel on her first wave. It’s all down to the final wave! The suspense might kill me dead right here in my comfy chair. 

Breanna’s style is not that fun to watch, honestly. 

Awww, Malia is going home. I am much less interested in the finale now. 

Oh hey, Kai surfs good! That was pretty alright. I mean, I think? Water and light, man. I just see water and light. 

Air! Koa fell. You can’t win if you fall. I don’t know much about surfing, but I do know this much.

Air reverse for Koa! That was not terrible, I think!

The scores are very exuberant tonight! Nines for everyone! 

Tia and Breanna go to the final! There is so much hugging. They are very happy still to be together! Eventually, they have to surf against each other. That seems like it might be awkward.

Like, girls, you do know only one can win, right?

And Koa beat Kai, so Koa goes to the final.

The cheekbones survive all the way to the finale! I am still haunted by the cheekbones. 

See you soon! Malia is not done with this whole contest thing yet. This is good, in my opinion, because she is very entertaining. 

One. Episode. To. Go. It’s so close! 

I’ll be back — one more time — bitches!


Rip Curl WSL Finals analysis, “Gabriel ensured the absurdity engineered by WSDL CEO Erik Logan could not rob him of the Third Title which by rights should have already been won!”

Justice served.

The sea, eh.

Old Grandmother Ocean. The snotgreen sea (according to Ulysses Buck Mulligan), which it was for the first few heats.

Even better, and again according to Milligan: the scrotum-tightening sea.

Not something we normally associate with Lower Trestles, but today it was compared to Sunset beach by Kelly Slater. Today it did provide a genuine scrotal contraction in eventual winner Gabe Medina when he did end up on the back of the sled during a White Shark heat disruption.

Elo’s and Ziff’s fever dream: the one day Title decider, did it work?

Yes, with caveats.

Mostly due to the best ever surfer at Trestles, Pip Toledo, being dominated by the year’s best surfer Gabe Medina surfing at a different level.

Somewhat due to the shark.

And a fair bit due to the heavy hitting in the booth from Kelly Slater, and to a lesser extent Mick Fanning.

Slater is the only one not completely mind-controlled by the WSL total corpo agenda, somehow, despite being the winningest surfer ever.

Too old, too narcisstic, too intelligent, too many Titles.

All of the above.

Pip was brilliant, he was beautiful.

His turns, his repertoire: the spice, the speed, the rotation.

Better than anything I’ve ever seen at Trestles.

He needed two waves to defeat Connor Coffin, he caught two waves.

That was ruthless and clinical and patient.

The Title decider at Trestles, was it as good as Pipe?

Not even close.

A crowd that seemed vastly in favour of Brazil tried to create an atmosphere but it was nothing on Pipe, or Snapper or Brazil itself for that matter.

The over-hyping from Cote and Turpel, left a sickly sheen on the snot-green sea that only a bright sunshine and the passive-aggressive sniping from Slater could dissipate.

Kelly called Sally Fitz “athletic-minded” as he pointed out that she had just missed a “World Title wave” in her loss to TTW.

Harsh, but incredibly accurate.

“Style is technique,” according to the mind of Tom Curren.

By that framing, Tatiana Weston Webb’s technique is deficient. Too much bobbling and limbs counter-rotating. A centre of gravity that never seems to sit quite right.There never quite seemed a clean connection between the bottom turn and the top turn, something lost in translation.

Nonetheless, the finishing turns were huge.

And judges paid big time, no matter how weak the lead up work was.

Carissa Moore connected everything beautifully but after an opening ride where she fell going big she dialled everything back to a safe medium. Slater noted the safety surfing, insinuated that judges were over-scoring what was pretty, but low-risk surfing.

Fanning called a mistake the result of a fifty percent approach.

Three clean carves and a safe close-out reo got mid-to-high eights for Riss.

That was enough for her to overcome Tati in a two heats to one victory.

It was tight, Tati had a chance on the last wave. Did the two best turns of the day for her and fell on the final closeout hit.

No woman reached the nine-point mark today, but that won’t matter. Safety surfing, like we saw at Pipe, will be overshadowed in the hysterical, historical mainstream record by the mere fact of today’s existence.

Women’s and Men’s Titles decided on the same day at the same venue with the same prizemoney will be the story, not the lack of nine-point rides or over-scored safety surfing.

The lack of nine-point rides was picked up by Coach King as the potential point of difference for Gabe coming into heat one of his World Title match with Toledo, who had easily accounted for Italo. And, in fact, was looking unbeatable.

The repertoire was sumptuous, making Kelly quiver in verbal ecstacy in the booth. Judges salivated over a skate-style coping grind on an end section in the heat with Italo.

King said Medina would go big. His first two waves were only average: a five for a backhand floater and hit, then a 7.30 for two tail-drifting vert reo’s and a smash. Already though, his board looked to be on tracks, high-speed luge runs, powerboats punching onto the plane.

No bobbles, no wiggles, more skate than surf, in the sense of building speed through each trip to the lip.

The key exchange occurred at almost the exact half-way point in the heat. Lefts had been left to die on the vine all day, despite many plump fruits being spotted on the webcast, notably by the GOAT.

Toledo scrapped into a soapy left that bore a frothy scarring from a previous wave and did a Surf Ranch number on it. The swallow-tail quad sparking drive and spice from each backhand turn.

On its own terms it was the best wave of the heat and Toledo claimed fulsomely.

The camera lunged northwards, in time to catch a sheet of water a full three feet high, being the spray from Medina’s bottom turn, on a bigger left, seaward of any scarring. Medina sliced the green water, sped through another turn and launched a high, long straight air with a slight slob grab, sunlight radiant on sparkling seas in background. It would have made a Noa Deane final cut.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CT0JzlwhnC1/

There was the first nine-point ride of the day.

There was the Medina intent, made manifest.

“All Glory and Honour to the guy up there.”

Nine-point ride played 8.33. In pure surfing terms, I side with Slater.

What Toledo was doing was about as much as could be done, about as good as it could be done.

But, Medina could not be denied.

16.30 to 15.70 was a fair spread after Heat 1.

Most sports embrace fatigue as a factor, seeing where the limits of human performance and skill lay when under load. Despite the rhetoric, the WSL did everything in its power to remove or reduce the fatigue factor. Ski rides, long lulls, luxuriant breaks between heats.

What the quad offered Toledo in pure performance it took from him at the outer limits of control as fatigue pushed the edge of the envelope ever so slightly inwards.

Fin lift was identified by Slater as the critical factor leading to crucial falls by Toledo in heat two. At ninety percent, the quad looked amazing.

As Toledo pushed to ninety-five percent the falls came.

He left a full point or more on the table falling on a final air reverse after an insanely well surfed wave, which still scored an 8.53.

That was a mid-nine or even potential 10 if he landed. A heat winner.

This is after the shark scare, which, if you believe it, occurred with Mick Fanning in the booth, along with Joe Turpel and Kelly Slater.

High times on Grandmother Ocean. White breast of the dim sea cleaved by the fin of some ancient predator, while the sing-song voice of Turpel lullabied us into sweet cavalier oblivion.

Who could blame Elo then for thanking the Guy Up There?

Not you or I, that’s for sure.

Shark phobia vanished with faith above for Medina.

He opened up, multiple airs, a weird Flynnstone flip.

Scoreboard pressure mounted on Toledo, who crumbled.

It seemed weird that Toledo could even have a reachable score but when the siren sang, hot salty tears flew for Gabe.

Choking on emotion, Gabe had the mien of the innocent man acquitted of a crime he did not commit.

Perhaps the very definition of innocence mentioned by Camus, “On the day when crime puts on the apparel of innocence, through a curious reversal peculiar to our age, it is innocence that is called on to justify itself.”

Justify himself he did, and by doing so, ensured the absurdity engineered by Elo could not rob him of the Third Title which by rights should have already been won.

An egregious error was avoided today comrades, for men and women.


"Number five sounds pretty good!"

Olympic surfing gold medallist Carissa Moore wins fifth world title in dramatic Finals Day showdown at California’s Lower Trestles, “Number five sounds pretty good!”

Happy Hawaiian scoops up title five.

The Hawaiian Olympic gold medallist Carissa Moore has won her fifth world title after wasting American-Brazilian Tatiana Weston-Webb in good enough three-to-five foot waves at Lower Trestles, a short electric bike ride from San Clemente. 

The just-turned twenty nine year old Moore raced her Cadillac Mayhems along the smooth walls with the frenetic energy of a man whose nostril hairs are frosted with coke. 

With three heats in the offing, Moore needed all three of ‘em to despatch the ethereal and angelic looking Weston-Webb. 

Tatiana, the world number two coming into Finals Day, beat Australian Sally Fitzgibbons to occupy the surf-off for the world title. 

Described by the WSL commentator Chris Cote as “one of the most high-performance surfers on the planet” and riding “the most high-performance wave in the world”, Weston-Webb was unable to match the electric Moore. 

Johanne Defay and Stephanie Gilmore filled the final two spots. 

“Number five sounds good!” hooted Carissa.

Finals Day analysis coming shortly.


Filipe hugs Medina, post-heat.

Gabriel Medina wins third world surfing title in wild all-Brazilian bacchanal at California’s Lower Trestles, “How do you beat Gabriel Medina twice in one day? It’s very rare… to win, you have to cripple him!”

Unbackable favourite wins third crown.

To the surprise of no one, least of all bookmakers who had him as an almost unbackable favourite, Gabriel Medina has won his third world title in pretty blue-green three-to-five-foot waves at Lower Trestles. 

Medina, twenty-seven and the 2014 and 2018 world champ, marauded the Lowers lineup, attacking his enemy with a ferocious backhand attack jazzed up with lofty airs, including a version of the Flynnstone Flip, invented and popularised by Hawaiian Flynn Novak. 

Medina only needed two of a possible three heats to win the title.

“How do you beat Gabriel Medina twice in one day? It’s very rare,” said Mick Fanning. “He has so many different ways to win.”

“To win, you have to cripple him!” said Kelly Slater. 

“I’m crying I’m so happy,” said Medina.

Heat analysis from Longtom to follow shortly. 


WSL's water safety fend off leviathan.

Breaching eight-foot Great White shark forces temporary hold on world surfing title Finals Day at California’s Lower Trestles!

"I've seen three breaches out here," said Kelly Slater. 

Southern California’s exploding Great White population has forced the temporary suspension of Finals Day at Lower Trestles, a popular wave a little out of San Clemente. 

A Great White shark, six, maybe eight feet, was spotted breaching inthe lineup, where Gabriel Medina and Filipe Toledo were competing in the second of a best-of-three heats for the world title. 

Juvie Great Whites have become a fact of life around Lowers and surrounds.

“I’ve seen three breaches out here,” said Kelly Slater.

In May, drone photographer James Glancy showed just how close the Whites get. 

Glancy has made it his thing to fly his drone along the Californian coast and record what are either “close calls”, which presumes attack is always imminent when Whites are around, or evidence that Whites only go in for the kill when visibility is real low and they think the shredder is a seal or whatever.

“The further south I go (in California) the more sharks seem to enjoy the surf,” says Glancy. “They’re right there next to humans most of the time… the humans sharing their home have no idea. A surfer falls off a board, within reach of the shark, yet the shark shows no interest… as I filmed these encounters I felt that perhaps they’re not the mindless hungry fish I thought they were.”

The contest is expected to resume shortly.