ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer, episode seven analysis: “Girls will be girls and bitches will be bitches! Wisdom from Malia. Breanna feels like she was in a UFC fight!”

So intense! Let's go!

In this episode: The surfers learn about football.

Some surfers prove better at putting on wetsuits than others. A visitor tries to help them surf better. Two surfers are eliminated and the finals are set. 

I hear there was some sort of world championship today. That sounds very important.

But this right here, this is what’s real.

Reality TV! It’s right there in the name. 

Last week on The Ultimate Surfer, the Bachelor People visited the Surf Ranch. Some extremely awkward surf lessons took place. The winners received red leashes.

Nothing kinky resulted, unfortunately. 

The floater challenge, meanwhile, led to so many floaters, more floaters than anyone should ever have to watch. Really, the next surfer who does a floater in a contest heat should be eliminated right then and there.

Floaters should totally be banned forever. 

Two more surfers lost their chance to be The Ultimate Surfer and win prizes galore. Six surfers remain. Two episodes remain. I thought it was four. I am bad at counting. I do know that tonight’s episode is dedicated to airs. I predict much falling. 

Girls will be girls, and bitches will be bitches! Wisdom from Malia.

Episode 7! Let’s go! 

Only six surfers left, and they are feeling lonely. Malia is the lone wolf and she is ready to see besties Tia and Breanna split. 

What do football and surfing have in common? Apparently, we are about to find out. 

An obstacle course appears. Malia says she’s stressed. 

Jesse is telling us about how he played football in college and then he went to the pro ranks. In between, he did the combine, which measures important stuff. 

So, they’re doing a surfing combine! It’s a race that involves some random things. Duckdiving! Putting on a wetsuit. Paddling super fast. Extra waves are on offer. 

Koa is worried, because he doesn’t wear wetsuits in Hawaii. Kai is worried that he does not train hard enough to beat Zeke and Koa, who are so super fit. 

The wetsuit part is not that smooth. To be fair, putting on a wetsuit when you’re already wet is not that fun, actually. 

Now, a slalom course! 

Koa wins, followed by Zeke. Kai is last. Sorry, Kai! 

But Koa failed an important part of the surfing combine test! He did not get his wetsuit all the way on. One of his feet is still stuck in his suit. Like, you can’t surf like that, bro!

Jesse is shaking his damn head, like did you even listen to the instructions. Surfers, they are so dumb! Football makes you much smarter than surfing. Jesse would not fail this essential test. 

Koa, disqualified!

Now, Koa is last.

Everyone is laughing at Koa now.

Zeke gets two extra waves. Kai gets one extra wave. Koa is like, that’s chill, I don’t need an extra wave. 

The chicks collide! Shit’s getting real now over here. They are paddling over each other. Cat fight! 

Tia wins! Extra waves for Tia! 

Malia is happy she is not last. She gets one extra wave. Breanna felt like she was in a UFC fight. So intense!

Electric skateboards! Extra prizes for the winner. So sick! 

KELLY VISION!

The wave challenge is best maneuvers. Kelly wants to see some airs now! Flips, rodeos, reverses. He wants to see some radical surfing. 

Out of nowhere, Filipe appears!

Filipe is a surf god! He was dropped off by Poseidon. Malia is a fan of Filipe. 

Filipe is here to coach them and tell them how to surf better. This is good, because I feel like they do, on the whole, need some help. 

A lot of talk about surfing is happening here. So much! I feel like I should be learning something here, but I am a surfer and learning is hard. 

This surfing challenge is very stressful! It’s like, totally all or nothing. The biggest maneuver! Don’t fall! Kelly’s advice is so wise.

The winner gets into the finale. Tia feels super ready and she has done her best maneuvers in her dreams! She feels calm and so serene. 

Highest score goes to the finals! The losers go to the losers round. Simple.

Turpel is explaining how the judges will score the waves. Big maneuvers mean big scores! It has to be so big now! I feel like even I can understand. 

Breanna says she doesn’t need extra waves, because she is totally ready to shred.

The soundtrack is very excited! I feel like I should be excited too, but it’s late and I surfed a lot today, so I am tired.

Breanna gets a 7.33. 

The pressure is on for Malia and Tia. 

Malia tries an air and falls. Malia does some sort of floater thing and falls on her second wave. Honestly, you really don’t expect me to explain the surfing, do you? No, you do not. 

Anyway, Malia is going to the losers round! Malia might get eliminated! There is so much pressure now. 

Oh, Tia wins! I don’t even know what score she got, but it was super good. She is into the finals! 

Koa did a frontside air reverse. The judges like it, and he gets a seven or something. 

Falling! Kai fell, but he gets an extra wave. Kai missed the grab on his air attempt. More falling!

More falling! Zeke falls! I did not know he could fall. Another fall! It’s good to know he’s human, says Koa.

Zeke goes up for a big air. I do not know if he makes it, because now it is commercial time. 

Nerdwallet. I do not think I need nerds in my wallet but I have been wrong about many things before, and maybe this is one of them! Also, I don’t really have a wallet, so that’s maybe a problem, too. 

Anyway. Surfing. I think we were watching some surfing. Zeke did a thing. 

Oh, he landed it! I am less surprised by this than I might have expected. The judges give him a nine or something. 

Zeke and Tia are into the finals. The rest have to go to the elimination round. 

Zeke and Tia get to gift an extra wave to one of the other surfers. Obviously, Tia gives Breanna the extra wave. Zeke gives Koa a bonus. 

And it’s time for the night surfing! So much drama!

I actually have a hard time to making sense of the night surfing. It’s all like a blur of light and water and stuff. Maybe they are doing something radical. Maybe they are not. 

One wave for Malia, two waves for Breanna! 

Malia fell! That is super tragic for Malia. 

So much falling right now. Breanna fell in the barrel on her first wave. It’s all down to the final wave! The suspense might kill me dead right here in my comfy chair. 

Breanna’s style is not that fun to watch, honestly. 

Awww, Malia is going home. I am much less interested in the finale now. 

Oh hey, Kai surfs good! That was pretty alright. I mean, I think? Water and light, man. I just see water and light. 

Air! Koa fell. You can’t win if you fall. I don’t know much about surfing, but I do know this much.

Air reverse for Koa! That was not terrible, I think!

The scores are very exuberant tonight! Nines for everyone! 

Tia and Breanna go to the final! There is so much hugging. They are very happy still to be together! Eventually, they have to surf against each other. That seems like it might be awkward.

Like, girls, you do know only one can win, right?

And Koa beat Kai, so Koa goes to the final.

The cheekbones survive all the way to the finale! I am still haunted by the cheekbones. 

See you soon! Malia is not done with this whole contest thing yet. This is good, in my opinion, because she is very entertaining. 

One. Episode. To. Go. It’s so close! 

I’ll be back — one more time — bitches!