All hail!

What a time to be alive, and a surfer. Our favorite pastime, once the sole pursuit of derelicts and junkies, has transformed itself into a gilded palace for the powerful, rich, multi-talented and gorgeous. But who could have seen Mark Zuckerberg falling in love with, and training to conquer, big waves? Jonah Hill scaling Malibu’s hierarchy and seating himself upon Miki Dora’s throne? Gisele Bündchen on the way to. leaving her husband and (hopefully) re-finding Kelly Slater and being crowned King and Queen of Surfing.

But wait.

A new challenger has just emerged from the likeliest of places.

Actual royalty.

For you have certainly read about Prince Harry, King Charles’ son, and his wife Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle and their relocation to the United States of America. But where did they land? In Montecito, of course very near Rincon and the Channel Islands’ shaping bay.

Prince Harry had been pictured surfing in the past but this new coastal move, minutes from Dane Reynolds, all but guaranteed a full embrace.

Next, the two were seen swaying in rhythm at a Jack Johnson concert. Another grand step.

Now, in an expansive new interview, Duchess Sussex revealed an unmissable core kink. When asked, at the end, who “takes more snack breaks” between her and husband, she replied:

It’s funny. People sometimes think we live in Los Angeles, but we’re a good two hours outside of it. We’re commuters. We drove down recently for a day of back-to-back meetings , equipped with chocolate chip cookies the size of my toddler’s head. Also, my husband’s favorite is In-N-Out. There’s one at the halfway point between L.A. and our neck of the woods. It’s really fun to go through the drive-thru and surprise them. They know our order.

I know, exactly, of which In-N-Out she speaks and have stopped there many times, along with every other true grumpy local, on trips to surf Emma Woods, The Ranch and points further north. It is like other In-N-Outs just more silver strandy. Timmy Curran-esque. Al and Britt Merrick-ish.

All hail.

Thoreauean.

The 2022 World Surf League Championship Tour season is now well and truly in the rearview mirror but, from this vantage, we can appreciate the highs, mourn the lows much cleaner. The world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, taking the first win of the season at the famed Pipeline, the same Slater sharing large Teahupo’o waves with his employee Nathan Hedge while the preternaturally talented Filipe Toledo sat and watched in awe, the same Toledo going to Lower Trestles, winning the crown and ushering in eight million (and counting) new viewers, all highs.

The low? Australian mainstay and Olympic bronze medal winner Owen Wright becoming ruthlessly decapitated by the WSL’s cold mid-season cut.

Wright, as you know, has as inspirational a story as any, suffering a traumatic brain injury at Pipeline in 2015 that seemed to have completely derailed any professional surfing hope then coming all the way back to tour, or at least until he was told to leave again.

Well, in a revealing new interview, the Irukandji shares a secret to his recovery.

Per News Corp.

“I was really full on, on trying to recover from the head injury that I had and it got to a stage where everything was just revolving around like physio or different movements and different brain exercises and I just didn’t have that pure joy and like ‘living’ back … I was just so caught up in recovery. So that’s where [camping] came into play.”

Wright went on to discuss how he loves being outdoors, eating stew out of a can, sleeping in a canvas tent that gets very hot in the day, poking the fire with sticks and pretending they’re cigars afterward, burning marshmallows to ash and insisting they taste better that way… or maybe that is just my childhood camping experience.

Maybe Wright’s is different. He takes his own child, anyhow, whenever he can and continues:

“If we are down by a river … where there’s rocks and stuff he’s just like ‘look at this rock, it looks like a dinosaur!’ I don’t hear that creativity when I’m at home … and then when we’re outside he’ll just play and play and play. I end up mucking around too and tapping into my child side and going along with his imagination. There’s nature, and there’s us, and you just get a better connection.”

Beautiful and continued shame on the World Surf League.

Big shame.

Real quick, though, did you ever read Walden Pond? What are your thoughts? I never have, in its entirety, but find the passages I stumble across dumb.

Here's to forever.

The demise of Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen’s marriage has been captivating surf fans for weeks now. As soon as news of trouble percolated to the surface, the aforementioned have dreamed of a magical reunion between the Brazilian supermodel and her one-time beau, the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater.

The two, as you know, famously dated during 2005 through 2006, those years marking absolute peak surf.

Candles have been lit by the pallet-load, windowsills so wax coated as to become fire dangers themselves.

But, hours ago, these same surf fans have been thrown into consternation as Brady, who is 45, just held a scintillating press conference in which he telegraphed that he would never stop playing professional football even though it is rumored that his playing may have led to Bündchen heading for the door.

When asked about his plans he firmly declared “No retirement in my future.”

Just exactly like Kelly Slater who only hints of his own leaving the surf game to steal thunder from Joel Parkinson.

But imagine the best potential best friendship of Brady and Slater, the two plying their respective crafts into 50s, 60s, 70s. Encouraging each other to never give up.

Is this what our candles have manifested?

Two forever athletes?

Will Filipe Toledo make the drop?

We have arrived, officially, in the future but have you not seen the prophetic film WALL-E wherein a plucky robot left behind on earth is reunited with mankind, in space? The people, who had fled the planet due pollution etc., seem to very much enjoy their circumstances, getting extremely fat whilst sitting in floating chairs that do everything for them include feed, clothe, entertain.

The good life.

And that good life is soon set to replace actually surfing in the ocean for SeaWorld Orlando has just announced its new surf-themed rollercoaster called “Pipeline.”

Per Attractions Magazine:

The innovative design elements that make this a first-of-its-kind roller coaster are the surfing launch and wave jumping motions that riders will experience. The unique surfboard-shaped ride vehicle will give riders an all-new experience from the moment it starts. Riders will be secured on the roller coaster in a standing position and will be launched at top speeds of 60 miles per hour, while feeling as if they are catching a wave. Riders will then feel like they are hanging loose when their seats rise and fall to mimic the sensation of riding on a wave while sending them through several twists and turns.

Each rider will get the rush of cutting through waves as they race up to heights of 110 feet in the air and go upside down on a wave curl along the 2,950-feet of track. Pipeline will send riders on a journey reaching max speeds of 60 miles per hour, with five different airtime moments during the one minute and 50 second experience.

Thrilling.

Only a few questions remain. Will the World Surf League attempt to hold the Billabong Pro Pipeline in Orlando, on the rollercoaster, in an attempt to broaden surfing’s appeal?

Will Filipe Toledo ride?