In utterly macabre twist, Byron Bay’s vapid narcissistic surfers “selfishly hell-bent on looking good” deemed responsible for “penetrating head injuries on small children!”

Unchecked hedonism leading to child abuse.

Ask any upwardly mobile mid-30 year old urban alternative craft/longboard surfer where the dream resides and she is likely to answer, “In Byron Bay, of course.” The small village of approximately 6000 souls has burst into imaginations around the world what with its picture-perfect setting, gentle waves, undulating curves and hemp-infused sexy.

What is not to love?

Well, maybe a lot these days. The bucolic dreamscape has devolved into a Dantesque inferno over the past few years. Or as the late, great Longtom put it, “A MONUMENT TO GREED WEARING A SPIRITUAL CLOAK. A GLITTERING DREAM METASTASIZED INTO A MALIGNANT NIGHTMARE. THE SPAWN OF UNHINGED NEOLIBERALISM AND GRINNING HIPPY CAPITALISTS!”

Much of the trouble has to do with leg-rope-less longboards careening through ocean splash-splashers and causing all manner of trouble.

Oh, you’ve read the macabre stories, grown men getting biceps ripped clean off etc. but the whole business might be reaching a Satanic crescendo.

Ian Cohen, former Greens MP and surf enthusiast, told The Guardian, “Waves throw surfboards around like matchsticks. A 10-foot board with fins on it coming a long way has got a lot of momentum and weight behind it. They effectively become a deadly weapon.”

Cate Coorey, a Byron Shire councillor, went further in implicating shortboards too, adding, “We really do need something that will actually give people pause for thought before they venture into a crowded surf. Those boards travel at great speed, and a lot of them are really pointy.”

She said there have been “countless” collisions that had directly led to “penetrating head injuries on small children.”

Very “cabal” sounding and would make sense, considering Byron Bay’s political bent.

In any case, can’t leg ropes simply be mandated?

Not so fast, says Cohen.

“Surfing is a very hedonistic sport that is regulated by image, or people who are selfishly hell-bent on looking good.”

Something for you to think about, I suppose.

In the meantime, though, local surfboard repairman Simon Maltby thinks leashes are not the issue.

“A lot of incidents in the surf are caused by people who do wear leg ropes,” he declared. “They go out with a sense of false security because they have it on. You take off on waves that are far out of their capabilities, because they know they won’t lose their board.”

So what to do?

Solutions please.