Gilbert, left, and the Champ, more than one
hundred years of life between 'em.
In most candid interview yet, Kelly Slater
reveals the secret to eternal youth, the day he lost his entire
fortune, Shane Dorian’s fat-phobia and how his bikini mogul
girlfriend cured herself of auto-immune disease!
By Derek Rielly
Shocking with facts!
Before long all of us will be old men and women,
stinking horribly, spitting into handkerchiefs and muttering the
occasional despairing shriek as we await our maker to
reveal his golden stairway to heaven.
Therefore it behooves us to treat our bodies as the fragile
temple it is, to enjoy, fully, what we have and before we retreat
into the terrible darkness.
Kelly Slater, who is fifty-one but whose physical appearance
suggests a man twenty years younger, has revealed the diet secrets
gleaned from a lifetime of reading and travelling and performing at
the pinnacle of a demanding sport.
In an interview with the WSL’s body mechanic Jason Gilbert, who
is also in his fifties, Slater talks of sugar spikes, food
combining, food crashing, his four-day water fasts, how to die with
grace, Shane Dorian’s weight consciousness and his constant
fiddling with the fat protuberances around his waist and how his
girlfriend, the Chinese-American bikini mogul Kalani Miller cured
herself of auto-immune disease by paying close attention to what
she eats.
“She learned enough to heal herself through the people we’ve met
around the world,” says Slater.
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Surf fans relight candles en masse for
prophesied Kelly Slater + Gisele Bündchen reunion after Brazilian
supermodel publicly vomits on trust fund billionaire Jeffery
Soffer!
By Chas Smith
"OMG he's yucky yucks!"
Days ago, surf fans everywhere snuffed out lit
candles and wept bitter tears into lightly cupped hands.
The dream was dead and all hope with it. Gisele Bündchen, you see,
had been linked with billionaire Jeffrey Soffer and where could
Kelly Slater fit in there? Which nook, cranny could he find his way
back to glory?
The Brazilian supermodel, as you well know, became divorced from
longtime husband, and football great, Tom Brady earlier in the
year. Surf fans, while sad on the surface, secretly cheered a
potential reunion with the world’s greatest surfer even though he
is currently linked to a girlfriend he describes as “Chinese” for
many years.
Many twists and turns followed, which you must read
here, but all seemed to lead to the grave with the
announcement that Bündchen had fallen for a billionaire who boasted
daddy’s money plus a string of supermodel exes.
Done-skies.
But then, as if a miracle, the Victoria’s Secret angel denied
any coupling and declared even the thought of it gross.
Following reports that the model, 42, is dating billionaire
Jeffrey Soffer — who also happens to be friends with Bündchen’s
ex-husband Tom Brady — she denied it all in her new cover story
with Vanity Fair.
“I have zero relationship with him in any way,” Bündchen
told the magazine. “He’s Tom’s friend, not my friend.”
Bündchen called the rumors “absurd” and added that she
hasn’t even seen Soffer in months and wouldn’t date someone who was
friends with her ex. She further clarified that it was insulting
for people to imply she was dating the 55-year-old billionaire for
his wealth.
“I wouldn’t be with [Brady’s] friend,” Bündchen said of
Soffer. “I wouldn’t be with this guy. I mean, puh-leeze. They were
saying I’m with this guy, he’s old, because he’s got money—it’s
ridiculous.”
One sentiment.
Gentleman, light your candles.
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Sister Tyler Wright informing Owen that Pulitzers
spring from sadness.
Australia’s finest surfer Owen Wright set
to release memoir detailing “gut-wrenching, heroic” journey from
brain injury and despair to Olympic glory!
By Chas Smith
Kleenex time.
The news just keeps getting better for surf
fans. Days after the World Surf League announced that Owen
Wright, ruthlessly axed from the Championship Tour just last year,
would make a grand and glorious return as a wildcard at Bells Beach
in order to announce his retirement.
“After my traumatic brain injury in 2015, my desire to prove to
myself and the world that I could still be great and overcome this
life-threatening incident inspired my recovery,” the blonde
thirty-three-year-old said in a WSL statement. “Given my recent
history with head injuries and concussions, competing at some of
the heaviest waves on the planet is no longer in the best interest
of my long-term health.I excelled in these conditions over my
career, but the risks associated with this type of surfing are too
significant for someone in my position, given my medical
history.”
Not a dry eye in the house and certain to be much weeping and
sobbing up and down those iconic Bells’ stairs.
As if not wonderful enough, though, it has just been announced
that Wright is set to release a memoir titled Against the
Water described as “the gut-wrenching, heroic story of how one
of Australia’s finest surfers overcame brain injury and despair to
win an Olympic medal.”
Against the Water carries the reader back to Wright’s
boyhood in the tiny New South Wales South Coast town of Culburra,
where his father, Rob, determined to raise champions, turned family
life into a kind of boot camp. While eccentric, the father’s
methods bore fruit: the Wrights of Culburra would become Australian
surfing royalty. Wright’s story lays bare the complex relationship
with his father – the adoration, the fight for independence, the
fallings out, the reconciliations, the poignant denouement. It also
captures Wright’s life-altering love for Kita Alexander, the
beautiful songstress who abandoned a blooming career to help nurse
a broken man she’d known for a few short months back to
health.
Told in a spare, intimate style, Against the Water is the
moving account of an athlete who refused to accept that his best
days were behind him. Owen stopped at nothing not only to rebuild
his identity but to construct a better one – he’s now a husband,
father, dutiful son and an Olympic medallist in a sport whose
spirit courses through his veins. Against the Water also raises
fundamental questions around family and competition. What,
ultimately, is our duty to our children? At what point does bravery
become folly? How much should we sacrifice for the sake of another?
Once read, Wright’s story will not be forgotten.
What do you think re. the question about duty to children? Also,
the one about bravery and folly?
It does not appear that Wright used a ghostwriter making the
spare, intimate style all the more impressive.
International sport further isolates
surfing’s pro-trans stance following shock decision to ban
she-males from all athletic events, “The integrity of the female
category in athletics is paramount”
By Derek Rielly
“Fairness before inclusion”
Lovers of she-dick, succulent or fetid, friendliest red
or angriest purple, active or no, will have, like most of us,
recoiled with shock this morning at news The World Athletics
Council had voted to ban transgender women from
participating in women’s international track and field competitions
citing “fairness before inclusion”.
From March 31, any transgender athlete who’s swung through male
puberty won’t be getting a start in any gal’s events.
World Athletics Council President Sebastian Coe said the
decision was “guided by the overarching need to protect the female
category…we believe the integrity of the female category in
athletics is paramount.”
World Swimming did the same thing last year.
The decision has isolated the pro-trans World Surf League who
welcomed trannies into the women’s div so long as they’ve been a
gal for at least twelve months and their hormone levels are real
low, although the WSL said it wouldn’t be doing the testing, each
athlete suppling their own supporting documents.
In a
surprise twist, the
controversy adverse WSL had made the decision despite furious
opposition from some of the biggest names in the sport including
Bethany Hamilton and Kelly Slater.
Hamilton sparked wild debate, both for and against the rule
change, when she recorded a piece to camera damning the decision
and agreed with Slater who called for a trans-only div, and said
she’d boycott events if it went ahead.
The WSL did have the last laugh, howevs, when surfers were
apparently banned from celebrating the inspirational shark attack
survivor, recently lauded as the fourth greatest surfer in history,
on the back of their contest jerseys at the recent Portugal
Pro.
As Chas Smith, who was following the story, wrote one week
ago,
And now the pettiness has been confirmed. One of the
Championship Tour surfers, on the men’s side, requested to wear
“Hamilton” but was told he was not allowed. The reason
given?
“She doesn’t support the WSL and she doesn’t support
equality.”
Where doth you stand?
Fairness or inclusion?
And a question that is doing the rounds on Twitter right now:
whom would you rather put to the sword, a biological woman who
rates a one out of ten, Hillary Clinton for argument’s sake, or a
she-male that’s an easy ten, Daisy Taylor let’s
say.
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Power (insert) corrupting. Photo: Gucci
Rumor: Italian stud Leonardo Fioravanti
reportedly copped massive $60,000 fine from World Surf League for
daring share truth in post-heat interview!
By Chas Smith
Power corrupts.
The World Surf League, man. What an
increasingly silly organization. On the surface, Colgate smiles
have never been brighter. Twin chiefs Erik Logan and Jessi
Miley-Dyer have gone on an absolute positivity spree, attending any
and every business conference, social media-ing like tweens, even
giving lengthy interviews to collaborationist surf media.
Viewership numbers through the roof, 51,000 Portuguese surf fans
pushing to see contests live on the sand, partnerships stronger
than ever.
THE MOMENTUM IS REAL.
Rising tide floating all boats. Surfing finally saved from
itself via Dirk Ziff by way of Oklahoma.
Except.
Underneath that shiny facade, rumors are percolating of an
absolutely vicious, authoritarian chief structure heavily boozed on
power.
Here’s one.
You certainly recall when the dashing Italianate surfer Leonardo
Fioravanti barely survived his elimination heat at the Pro Pipeline
(or maybe it was the round of 32 heat at the Pro Sunset Beach) and
lightly called out the WSL’s much ballyhooed partnership with Apple
Watches. The Cupertino-based tech giant provided the devices for
surfers to be aware of heat times and priority.
There have been major malfunctions and each stop but this first
(or second) one had the aforementioned Fioravanti in his post heat
interview saying, “And, I just want to say our fricken watches
weren’t working and that’s pretty heavy, like my watch wasn’t
working. Nothing to take away from Apple or the WSL, what they’re
doing is great, they’re trying to bring in some technology to our
world, but if my watch doesn’t work from start to finish and I
gotta ask for time. I’ve been used to having the time on me at all
times in heats, we’re fighting for our careers. So, I hope they
figure it out ‘cause my watch didn’t work from start to finish. And
that’s pretty heavy.”
A simple statement of fact with much praise for both Apple and
the WSL sandwiched in.
Well, for that bit of candor, the House of Gucci pin-up was
allegedly, and from a pristine source, slammed with a whopping
$60,000 fine.
$60,000 for talking honest.
But what does that make you think about the “product?” Happy
days, and legitimacy, finally here or an utter train wreck of
plastic ego?
I’m certain it’s the ladder.
(Get it?)
David Lee Scales did not quite get to the alleged fine, during
our weekly chat, but I did call Kelly Slater a “dumbass” multiple
times. I stand by it.