"My friend Toby and I were at Neverland one night, standing at the top of a staircase, and this old lady was yelling at us, 'I’ve fucked boys half your age,' poking us and stuff. We handed her a beer, she chugged the whole thing and went ass-over down the stairwell. She got so squished, it was heavy."
Reclusive surf prodigy who turned his back on stardom releases full-length feature pundits are calling the Best Surf Movie of 2022, “So beautiful and fat and prosperous! A mini-masterpiece!”
Most surfer edits are like very bad coffee. They taste like boiled rags and they make you angry for stealing your time and your hope.
This thirty-minute feature of Noa Deane, the twenty-eight-year-old surf virtuoso who cried for three days following the backlash to a WSL joke and who beat John John Florence at ten-foot Pipeline, shows why he is still the hottest surfer in Australia, and why he makes more than your daddy, sugar or biological.
Best out of context quote,
“My friend Toby and I were at Neverland one night, standing at the top of a staircase, and this old lady was yelling at us, ‘I’ve fucked boys half your age,’ poking us and stuff. We handed her a beer, she chugged the whole thing and went ass-over down the stairwell. She got so squished, it was heavy.”
A world-first maybe!
BIPOC surfing role model Mason Ho stuns world with first-ever backwards-inside-the-tube flash footage, “A lesson in how to tell a story with minimum frills and maximum impact!”
Hawaii’s whip-slicked queen of taboo and BIPOC role model Mason Ho (seventy-five percent of his ancestry is Chinese-Hawaiian, a quarter white Americano) isn’t afraid to go for the “kill shot.”
In this latest episode of a series he’s been shooting with best friend Rory Pringle for the last ten years, Ho, who is thirty-four although presents seventeen years younger, leaps and cavorts under the flaming blasts of his flash-equipped POV camera.
The backwards-inside-the-tube flash footage gifts the viewer an eerie phosphorescence effect as the flash hits the handsome face of Ho, the light speaking overhead and haloing Ho’s wooly wig for an instant.
Dane, inset, with muse Harry Bryant.
Santa Barbara father of three described as “surfing’s rampart against the milquetoast horror of the WSL’s pandering bulls**t” dumbfounds fans with wildly experimental new film, “It’s super weird but really fun!”
High-gloss entertainment from the master puppeteer!
The last we heard from the former world #4 Dane Reynolds was one month ago when news broke that his Central Coast idyll had been shattered by the arrival of Travis Barker, the little drummer boy in Blink 182, a pint-sized jack-in-the-box dressed up in grown-man tattoos, and his wife, Kourtney, the third most-comely of the five Kardashian sisters.
The little town of Carpinteria was bracing itself for the arrival of paparazzi after the pair bought Conan O’Brien’s old joint on Padaro Lane there in Serena Cove.
Now, the almost-forty-year-old surfer famous for his go-for-broke style, has released a collection of B-clips from his recent full-length feature Glad You Scored.
Like most assemblages of B-clips, which are usually seen during the credits of a film, this presents as far more interesting than the original.
“Sometimes the peripheral stuff and left over clips are more entertaining than what makes it into the original project,” says Dane.
The rise and rise of Nathan Florence, lowborn boy, charmer, master of big waves.
Powerlifter who shucked surf fame for Only Fans riches releases wild POV footage of near-death paddle out through“mutant sea foam” that claimed the lives of five Dutch surfers!
Two weeks ago, grave fears were held for the brother of US surf Olympian John John Florence after a paddle-out at a Scottish big wave in the same “mutant sea foam” that killed five Dutch surfers two years earlier.
That Nathan Florence, a twenty-eight-year-old married powerlifter, survived is a testimony to his ability in even the most malicious conditions.
“What a spookfest!” says Florence. “Stuck in down-drafts of boils in the water felt like it wanted to pull you down below while you paddled, meanwhile large sets approaching. All in all not a safe session …rescue would have been near impossible if injury was sustained.”
The POV account of the event is harrowing, the viewer feeling the jump of his pulses, the stiffening of his sinews, the ropes of his muscles, the sounds of comfort he makes as the lard pours over his head.
Surfing may be a world of marvels but it also a world of horrors.
Slater and Ben Hogan's seminal tract, Five Lessons.
Sports fans left gobsmacked after Kelly Slater reveals golf great Ben Hogan helped him create miracle technique that allowed thirty years of surfing dominance!
“I stumbled onto a lot of things people didn’t understand."
In this thirty-four minute interview, overly long in my opinion, although the sweetest meat is always carved last from the bone, Kelly Slater plays eighteen holes with the golf presenter Iona Stephen.
It is a gentle and mature interview drawn out on the links of Kingsbarns, six miles or so from St Andrews in Scotland, although few stories the surf fan hasn’t heard before are shared.
Until the fifteen-ish minute mark, that is, when Slater reveals it was Ben Hogan’s seminal golf technique book from 1985, “Ben Hogan’s Five Lessons: The Modern Fundamentals of Golf”, that gave him the impetus to re-examine his approach to riding waves.
“I read Ben Hogan’s Five Lessons and it got me visualising the plane of the swing and I started thinking, well, there’s mechanics in surfing, the body has to work with the board and the wave in a certain way and so I started to relate where my shoulders were and my stance was and the sequencing of my body as I rotated or compressed or pushed with my legs. And I started to envision it in a different way and so I came up with some theories of how the body relates to the board and the wave.
“I could always find what I call a neutral position no matter what part of the wave I was on, and from there I could go right or left really easily or I could stall and increase my speed. I really got it down to the basics., There was a really basic move that I used to get myself in the right position. Basically, I trained myself by grabbing the rail of my board when I turned to the left…”
Here, interviewer Stephens looses a sleepy, “mmmmm”, the encouraging sound a homely girl will use when she doesn’t want to lose her grip on the hot but boring guy.
“And what that did was drop my back shoulder, push my hip, forward and compress me down its the board and kept me in a really stable position. A lot of surfers will turn and drop their front shoulders and put their weight on their front heel and it’s easy to fall. So it really centred my weight to my feet. It became my neutral stance. I’d relate to golf, a strong grip, a neutral grip, a weak grip. “
Slater, “I stumbled onto a lot of things people didn’t understand in surfing… because of golf.”