"My friend Toby and I were at Neverland one
night, standing at the top of a staircase, and this old lady was
yelling at us, 'I’ve fucked boys half your age,' poking us and
stuff. We handed her a beer, she chugged the whole thing and went
ass-over down the stairwell. She got so squished, it was
heavy."
Reclusive surf prodigy who turned his back
on stardom releases full-length feature pundits are calling the
Best Surf Movie of 2022, “So beautiful and fat and prosperous! A
mini-masterpiece!”
By Derek Rielly
The dangerous boy you don’t bring home to Mama!
Most surfer edits are like very bad coffee.
They taste like boiled rags and they make you angry for stealing
your time and your hope.
This thirty-minute feature of Noa Deane, the
twenty-eight-year-old surf virtuoso who cried for three days
following the backlash to a WSL joke and who beat John John
Florence at ten-foot Pipeline, shows why he is still the hottest
surfer in Australia, and why he makes more than your daddy, sugar
or biological.
Best out of context quote,
“My friend Toby and I were at Neverland one night, standing at
the top of a staircase, and this old lady was yelling at us, ‘I’ve
fucked boys half your age,’ poking us and stuff. We handed her a
beer, she chugged the whole thing and went ass-over down the
stairwell. She got so squished, it was heavy.”
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A world-first maybe!
BIPOC surfing role model Mason Ho stuns
world with first-ever backwards-inside-the-tube flash footage, “A
lesson in how to tell a story with minimum frills and maximum
impact!”
By Derek Rielly
A terrifying spectacle!
Hawaii’s whip-slicked queen of taboo and BIPOC role
model Mason Ho (seventy-five percent of his ancestry is
Chinese-Hawaiian, a quarter white Americano) isn’t afraid
to go for the “kill shot.”
In this latest episode of a series he’s been shooting with best
friend Rory Pringle for the last ten years, Ho, who is thirty-four
although presents seventeen years younger, leaps and cavorts under
the flaming blasts of his flash-equipped POV camera.
The backwards-inside-the-tube flash footage gifts the viewer an
eerie phosphorescence effect as the flash hits the handsome face of
Ho, the light speaking overhead and haloing Ho’s wooly wig for an
instant.
Essental.
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Dane, inset, with muse Harry Bryant.
Santa Barbara father of three described as
“surfing’s rampart against the milquetoast horror of the WSL’s
pandering bulls**t” dumbfounds fans with wildly experimental new
film, “It’s super weird but really fun!”
By Derek Rielly
High-gloss entertainment from the master
puppeteer!
The last we heard from the former world #4 Dane Reynolds
was one month ago when news broke that his Central Coast idyll had
been shattered by the arrival of Travis Barker, the little drummer
boy in Blink 182, a pint-sized jack-in-the-box dressed up in
grown-man tattoos, and his wife, Kourtney, the third
most-comely of the five Kardashian sisters.
The little town of Carpinteria was bracing itself for the
arrival of paparazzi after the pair bought Conan O’Brien’s old
joint on Padaro Lane there in Serena Cove.
Now, the almost-forty-year-old surfer famous for his
go-for-broke style, has released a collection of B-clips from his
recent full-length feature Glad You Scored.
Like most assemblages of B-clips, which are usually seen during
the credits of a film, this presents as far more interesting than
the original.
“Sometimes the peripheral stuff and left over clips are more
entertaining than what makes it into the original project,” says
Dane.
Essential.
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The rise and rise of Nathan Florence, lowborn
boy, charmer, master of big waves.
Powerlifter who shucked surf fame for Only
Fans riches releases wild POV footage of near-death paddle out
through“mutant sea foam” that claimed the lives of five Dutch
surfers!
By Derek Rielly
"Not a safe session."
Two weeks ago, grave fears were held for the brother of
US surf Olympian John John Florence after a paddle-out at a
Scottish big wave in the same “mutant sea foam” that
killed five Dutch surfers two years earlier.
That Nathan Florence, a twenty-eight-year-old married
powerlifter, survived is a testimony to his ability in even the
most malicious conditions.
“What a spookfest!” says Florence. “Stuck in down-drafts of
boils in the water felt like it wanted to pull you down below while
you paddled, meanwhile large sets approaching. All in all not a
safe session …rescue would have been near impossible if injury was
sustained.”
The POV account of the event is harrowing, the viewer feeling
the jump of his pulses, the stiffening of his sinews, the ropes of
his muscles, the sounds of comfort he makes as the lard pours over
his head.
Surfing may be a world of marvels but it also a world of
horrors.
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Slater and Ben Hogan's seminal tract, Five
Lessons.
Sports fans left gobsmacked after Kelly
Slater reveals golf great Ben Hogan helped him create miracle
technique that allowed thirty years of surfing dominance!
By Derek Rielly
“I stumbled onto a lot of things people didn’t
understand."
In this thirty-four minute interview, overly long in my
opinion, although the sweetest meat is always carved last from the
bone, Kelly Slater plays eighteen holes with the golf
presenter Iona Stephen.
It is a gentle and mature interview drawn out on the links of
Kingsbarns, six miles or so from St Andrews in Scotland, although
few stories the surf fan hasn’t heard before are shared.
Until the fifteen-ish minute mark, that is, when Slater reveals
it was Ben Hogan’s seminal golf technique book from 1985, “Ben
Hogan’s Five Lessons: The Modern Fundamentals of Golf”, that gave
him the impetus to re-examine his approach to riding waves.
“I read Ben Hogan’s Five Lessons and it got me visualising the
plane of the swing and I started thinking, well, there’s mechanics
in surfing, the body has to work with the board and the wave in a
certain way and so I started to relate where my shoulders were and
my stance was and the sequencing of my body as I rotated or
compressed or pushed with my legs. And I started to envision it in
a different way and so I came up with some theories of how the body
relates to the board and the wave.
“I could always find what I call a neutral position no matter
what part of the wave I was on, and from there I could go right or
left really easily or I could stall and increase my speed. I really
got it down to the basics., There was a really basic move that I
used to get myself in the right position. Basically, I trained
myself by grabbing the rail of my board when I turned to the
left…”
Here, interviewer Stephens looses a sleepy, “mmmmm”, the
encouraging sound a homely girl will use when she doesn’t want to
lose her grip on the hot but boring guy.
Slater continues,
“And what that did was drop my back shoulder, push my hip,
forward and compress me down its the board and kept me in a really
stable position. A lot of surfers will turn and drop their front
shoulders and put their weight on their front heel and it’s easy to
fall. So it really centred my weight to my feet. It became my
neutral stance. I’d relate to golf, a strong grip, a neutral grip,
a weak grip. “
Stephens, “Whoa.”
Slater, “I stumbled onto a lot of things people didn’t
understand in surfing… because of golf.”