Finely boned velvet tubes! Marcus Paladino

Watch Noah Cohen and Pete Devries in “Finely boned and velvet Scottish tubes!”

Derek Rielly

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Two Canadians park 'emselves inside North Atlantic slabs…

This six-minute film by Ben Gulliver, with ample assistance from cinematographer Marcus Paladino, is the sort that stands out among the scabrous network of needle tracks we call “edits.”

In this film, called Highland, Gulliver pulls back a black silk spread and reveals Scotland’s wonderfully cold and flawlessly tailored righthand tubes.

If the vibe is similar, you’re thinking Sea Wolf, the film he made with Chippa Wilson, Balaram Stack and the two stars of Highland, Canadians Noah Cohen and Pete Devries.

It’s all very jazzy and nightclub sexy, a late-era Kai Neville (think: Brian Eno tracks) dragged to the outer reaches of the British Kingdom.

Click play, above, for Highland. And, below, the trailer for Sea Wolf. Both worth looping your shorts around your ankles. Virile despite the cold.

Albee Layer squirts the Krazy Glue. Oh yeah, he lands this.

Albee Layer and Matt Meola star in “Surfing cannot be surfing without greatness!”

Derek Rielly

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An eight-minute edit that defies most physical laws.

This edit, which is called Polylemma and made by the renowned Take Shelter studio, brings the old Maui gang of Matt Meola and Albee Layer together again.

Albee, twenty-eight, and who looks like a cottage cheese ball, and Matt, twenty-nine, who is a country-listening, white trash, hillbilly jackrabbit, squirt and slash and pull the horn chain in ways that suggest you damn well better watch.

The pair draw hallucinogenic geometric lines and, if I was a Baptist, I’d be giving praises and hallelujahs each time a double spin or spindle flip is landed.

What’s a polylemma? It’s a souped-up version of a dilemma but instead of one solution you got a few.

Now, relax ’em.

"Death is only a stone's throw away," says Jamie O'Brien, in this compendium of wipeouts from his weekly vlog.

Watch: Jamie O’Brien in “The 10 Wipeouts That Made Me the Woman I Am Today!”

Derek Rielly

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Hear me roar!

Jamie O’Brien’s weekly Vlog has been the surprise hit of the year. A guilty treat like taking out your surfboards and laying them tenderly on the bed or hard kisses that leave little flecks of blood on your lips.

Four months ago, you’ll remember, Jamie, who is thirty-five, was treated to a cupful of his own mortality when he was hit from behind by a wave and pushed face-first into a Waikiki break wall.

“It almost knocked me out just hitting my hand. I almost died at one-foot Waikiki. I almost died at one-foot Waikiki. Frick. I got so lucky. I was thinking about it a lot. You do all this crazy shit your whole career, crazy waves, sitting yourself on fire, and you almost die at one-foot Waikiki. Death is a stone’s throw away, always, but to realise that. I was overwhelmed. It was one of the heaviest moments of my life. I still trip out when I watch the clip. That night, I was laying in bed, thinking, that I almost died at Waikiki. Literally.”

In this week’s episode, Jamie takes us through the 10 worst wipeouts from the series. Canoes at Sunset. Rope slings, A ten-foot shorebreak. Board transfers at Backdoor.

Close your eyes and let Jamie O rock and caress you.

Russ gets engulfed by Nazare's giant flaps!

Watch: Russell Bierke being served honeymoon dick at monster Nazare yesterday!

Derek Rielly

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His tiny antlers get sucked!

The Australian Russell Bierke is one surfer who is prepared to pay, what Hawaiians call, “the ultimate price.”

Two years ago, he was “blue as a Smurf” and “on all fours spewing” after a wipeout in fifteen waves in Victoria, an injury that put him in intensive care.

Yesterday, Russell warmed his paws under the skirt of Portugal’s Nazare, but only briefly.

The result was unpretty.

“This was by far my longest hold down ever!” Russ told the filmmaker Pedro Miranda. “I barely got a breath before the second wave landed on me. Felling pretty sore today, got a good whiplash when I skipped in front of the wave, but no injuries which is good. Felt like I could barely walk up the beach when I got there.”

Watch: full-length retro-classic “The Bruce Movie!”

Derek Rielly

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Take a swing back to 2005 when there wasn't a surfer on earth like Bruce Irons…

I love to interview Bruce Irons, the almost forty-year-old from Kauai. Dial his digits, throw a starter question and drown in quotes.

He’ll talk to anybody and his censor button don’t work. A rare commodity. Like a city restaurant that serves an old-fashioned roast beef dinner.

Recent highlights.

On missing the Maldives Invitational: “It was a string of fucking…okay…it’s partially my fault. I was moving out of my place, I was hotel hopping, I had all my fucking stuff in storage, a car full of shit, and I got my boards sent to a friend’s place in Venice. As I was driving up there, I grabbed all my stuff. And I open it all up and I’ve only got a double board bag. It was, like, shit, crunch time. Plane to catch. I needed to open up the bag, go boom, boom, boom. Oh my fucking god. This is not going to work.

“I get a taxi to the airport, my luggage is in the back. The driver gets into me for going so short a distance. A twenty-buck fare. He’s mumbling shit. Want me to get out? Right before we get out he tells me he’s from Ethiopia da da da. Whatever, all good, he’s talking, talking as I get out and then he takes off with all my luggage. Are you fucking kidding me? So I Uber back to the taxi bull pen. Eight lines. Fifty cars. They’re all yelling at each other. And I tell ’em, one of your taxi guys has my shit, the Ethiopian dude. The guy there says there’s so many cars and so many different races and I’m standing there going fuck, fuck, fuck. Then, because my iPad was in one of the bags, I tracked it to Hollywood. I go to my car and I’m flying towards Hollywood where this fucker is and then he comes back to the bull pen, turns off my iPad, but I’m already back there. I’ve fucking got him. The motherfucker. I tell him, what’s up motherfucker! You turned off my iPad! He said he didn’t know whose it was. (The trip) just wasn’t meant to be. It sucked. Those stories seem outrageous don’t they? I wouldn’t believe it if someone told me.”

On a hypothetical death row scenario: “This is a fucking great topic. How’d I get caught? I wouldn’t. If you know you’re going to end up on death row, you’re fucked, so you might as well go on a killing spree, killing your estranged wife’s lover first. So you kill him, chop him up, pack up all your ammo and guns and go down the street and take the bank down, take down the squadron of police and go until you get killed so you don’t make it to death row. You go out in a blaze of glory, chopping down fucking everybody in your sight.”

On joining the WQS at thirty five: “I definitely want to win something. Oh fuck yeah.”

Bruce Irons was the best free surfer in the world between 2004 and 2005, just before Dane Reynolds stepped out from behind the Rincon curtain.

This movie, which was made at Bruce’s peak by his then “lifetime” sponsor Volcom, is instructive ’cause no one under twenty-five knows who Bruce Irons is anymore.

And people should talk about Bruce. He’s a gas.

Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by @theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
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