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Mormon Terrorism, Surf Trunks!

Rory Parker

by Rory Parker

The noted writer Rory Parker ruminates on the big issues… 

I feel like ruminating today. It’s a funny word, meaning both to think deeply and chew cud like a cow. Cows are idiots, some people would say I am too. But of course I mean the kinder definition of the word.

Why is it that every brand has a different notion of how to size board shorts?

I hate trying on clothes, would love to just walk in to a shop, grab a pair I like, and head home confident they’ll fit. But it’s always a roll of the dice. Grab three pairs, one will fit, one will be too tight, the last will fall off my ass. Seems a bit silly, sizes are just supposed to correspond to waist circumference, right?

Is it a vanity sizing thing?

Like, the tighter ones are the right number, the ones that fit make me feel less fat? I hate to admit it, but that’d get me. Lucky they sell the Da Hui brand boardshorts at Costco. Twenty bucks a pair, comfy, sturdy. Yeah, even their sizes are fucked, I grabbed two identical pairs recently and am absolutely swimming in one, but at that price I don’t mind so much.

And I can always exchange them the next time I go to buy cartons of cigarettes and toilet paper, though of course I won’t. I’ll just keep forgetting them at home until I say fuck it, cut the tag off, and wear them around the house with my ass hanging out.

Of course, dealing with the mentally ill, addicted, and combinations of the two, has no easy fix. Some people might support the notion of snatching them off the streets and forcing them into treatment, and I’ll admit that has some emotional appeal, but, realistically, the idea of giving our government that power terrifies me.

Hawaii State Representative Isaac Choy is looking to expand Honolulu’s sit/lie ban statewide, proving once again that politicians have little idea of how laws work, and will do anything to avoid actual solutions to the state’s homeless problem.

Of course, dealing with the mentally ill, addicted, and combinations of the two, has no easy fix. Some people might support the notion of snatching them off the streets and forcing them into treatment, and I’ll admit that has some emotional appeal, but, realistically, the idea of giving our government that power terrifies me.

Notionally the law would be selectively enforced, used to push our hobo contingent from areas the tourists have to see them into local parks and neighborhoods. Which is a shitty thing to do for all parties concerned, and ignores the fact that laws don’t work like that. If Choy get’s his way it’ll become illegal to spend a day at any of our state beaches. And, yeah, supposedly the cops won’t use that to fuck with people, but if you believe that lie then I’ve got a really nice bridge to sell you.

A quick and easy solution to at least part of the homelessness epidemic would be to address the illegal housing situation. There are already laws and government bodies that exist to ensure homes aren’t removed from the long term market and used to earn a quick and sleazy buck by renting to tourists.  Flood the market with those, literally, thousands of homes and we’d see rental prices plummet as a whole slew of places become available.  Not everyone is homeless because they suck at life. Low wages and bad luck can combine to put the hardest of workers on the street.

How funny is it that they killed that one Mormon terrorist guy in Oregon?

And all the fanatics that claim to defend our constitution without understanding it are crying foul!  I’ll be the first to condemn trigger happy coward cops, but if you go on national television and repeatedly state you’ll shoot at any law enforcement that tries to arrest you, while continuing to commit various felonies, you’ve gotta expect them to shoot first.

At least his 11 children can rest easy knowing he’s in whatever horrible splinter-Mormon afterlife it is they believe in.  One where there are no black people, women know their place, and everyone is free to rape public land to their heart’s content.

I recently finished reading Lev Grossman’s Magicians Trilogy. Very fun stuff, especially if you’re a huge fan of the fantasy genre. He does a great job of injecting all your favorite tropes into the real world, following the unhappy protagonist through Hogwarts and into Narnia.

Gives the kid everything he could wish for, but faces the fact that, no matter where you go, there you are.