Those sandals, the surf wear, the surf talk, ego inflation and the piety? Can 'em!
1. Stop wearing Sandals
This is mostly directed towards mainland surfers and those bourgeois folks with shaved heads and ASP trucker hats who only surf on perfect swells during the weekends while struggling to stand up their brand new HyptoKrypto. Stop wearing sandals everywhere! There is nothing cool about sandals. Whenever I see someone wearing sandals I automatically assume that they listen to Sublime or Mumford and Sons. Notice how the drunkest people at the bar, sweating and spitting on everyone they talk to are always wearing sandals? You do not want to be that guy. I do not want you to be that guy.
2. Stop Preaching
Diet. Training. Yoga. Herbal Teas. Juice cleanses. Stretching. These are all things that nobody gives a damn about. There’s a reason why the phrase isn’t “Yoga, Tea, and Rock n’ Roll.” Imagine a …Lost video without the booze and drugs? Fuck, what a boring world that would be. Doing yoga on a cliff while drinking some mushroom tea that you foraged from your dog’s pile of shit does nothing for me and it does nothing for humanity so stop acting like you’re saving the world one.
3. Don’t Wear Surf Attire
Nothing says “I’m a jackass” more than dressing in boxy tees created by some corporation underpaying a poor child in a South-East Asian factory. Don’t be a shill for the corporation. If the boardshorts you’re wearing have more than two different colours violently clashing with crazy patterns then you MUST burn them the next time you cook a beer can chicken.
4. Stop talking about waves
Don’t discuss your surf break back home. If you’re abroad, or you’re out at the bar, stop talking about the waves you grew up surfing.They’re all the same. When swell is present, any wave can be great. Maybe you can go read a book and learn about something new to discuss. Or get really drunk and do something stupid that you can talk about to people in a self-deprecating manner. Everyone loves self-deprecation. Anytime you feel like discussing the wave you surf, replace that thought with masturbation, and ask yourself if that person really cares about how you masturbate. Why? Because talking about the wave you surf is just like masturbating, the only person being pleased is yourself.
5. That CI you just tore to pieces
How about those conversations when an average Joe points out the myriad flaws in a Merrick or a …Lost or a JS. Doesn’t turn properly. Spins out. Looses speed through sections in fat waves. And then you see the pilot of this craft has the stance of a threatened bug and a tail-pad that’s never been dirtied by his back foot. Don’t…be…this…guy.
6. Stop tailgating before a surf. This involves purposely taking forever to put a wetsuit on so you can blast music out of the cab. Standing up in the bed of the truck to put a wetsuit on – cuz hey, you surf. Talking overly loud because you have to talk over the music – which entails name dropping pros you’ve surfed within 100 miles of and world class surf destinations you’re comparing your crappy beach break to. Yelling at someone to borrow wax. We get it – you need some other form of attention. Your surfing isn’t getting any.
6. be more judgemental! its a jury sport. so judge. its so annoying to me that according to the panel no surfer in the asp in any heat ever, made any real mistake or just didn,t surf that well. if one panelmember says something in that direction the next thing he and the whole panel does is they take it back, in the end its always the wave and never the surfer. i think it would me much more nice is if the asp commentators gonna be more sharp and honest and give far more judgemental comments on the surfers in a heat.
Hell with you! We love little Roberto!
6. Stop publishing articles by Robert Fazio