Such a halloween treat. Professional surfing has never been so evil!
Rarely do goth kids get in on surf prognostication. We are, therefore, very lucky to have SinDie of Irvine as a fan and contributor. Read and learn about the ASP’s top surfers as the tour heads to the scariest place ever. Oahu! Without further ado, we present…SinDie.
Chamber Divine is the favorite club of my ilk. We materialize like visions each Tuesday, trancelike to hear Roderick spin his ethereal music: Bauhaus, Sisters of Mercy, Specimen – all divine! In a halo of clove cigarette smoke we dance until dawn.
Then! The sun destroys the night and we must return to our lairs of Irvine and Mission Viejo.
How may I, SinDie of Irvine, be expected to assess those who earn their gold from sea-nymphing on the World Tour?
This art of surfing has not one apothecary jar’s worth of dark divine, but I will do my best to make the jockular nature of surf relevant to those of us who dwell in the shadows of the night.
I’ve often had this fantasy that Gabriel Medina and his family are really vampires traveling the world, claiming ASP events and victims. A tour stop in France, a few bloodless corpses found in the alleys of Bayonne. Brazil is the home to the practice of Barradaci, the drinking of blood to consume the power of one’s victims. I, SinDie, dream this dark fantasy to make bearable the testosterone-laden droning that is the ASP world tour machine of old.
Mick Fanning: Release us from this mortal coil. Mick looks like a circumcised phallus. His neck runs from his shoulders to his earlobes with nary a piercing in between. He reminds me of the football players in high school who tormented me each and every day with shouts of “Hey it’s not Halloween yet.” A thousand curses on your tanned, hairless, muscled backs!
Kelly Slater: The blood of the ancients courses through his veins. How else could one so long in years play so with the seawolf pups? As the world title will go down at Pipeline I know this: The gods are alive and magic is afoot!
John John Florence: The boy-man has much to learn in the ways of the world, so we watch and are fascinated by his water dancing. Yet he reminds one in looks of the Vampire Lestat. He can’t be all bad.
Joel Parkinson: Among the shadows dancing he does not, he has stepped into the bright spotlight unawares that future glory waits for him. Future glory not bound to this earth, but to the sea!
Josh Kerr: Oh mid-level pro of confusion! Absinthe will take this one from air-dances and California dwelling into the realm of those who can truly see what awaits them! Grand, grand plans are afoot and Lord Kerr will rise from the ashes of his former self. Drink the absinthe Josh and claim your future!
Julian Wilson: This lover of life hath not the wherewithal to soar into Top 10 reality. Pourquoi? Because his mind has not tasted the darkness that lay waiting for those who doubt themselves, for those who live in the shadows, for those who lock themselves in their closets and cry! cry! cry! all night.
Jordy Smith: Perhaps closest in spirit and awareness to the tethers that bind us to the mortal coil that is life on earth, this African prince knows love, life and the horrors of being ripped apart by jackals.
Matt Wilkinson: Curse the gods for not making him top 10! His cherubic skin stays pale even after a Winter in Hawaii. In SinDie’s fantasies I dress up as Malefocent and he dons wings and we soar through the pleasures carnal… and… well, do excuse me now I have to go write some poetry.
Now how about a little Beach Goth?