And the world officially tips on its axis…
The Surfer Poll. It ain’t the greatest show on earth. But it’s all we got. And who does good awards shows anyway? MTV? The Oscars? The format is always going to be stiff unless there’s some kinda soft and smooth waitress with honey pouring from her pores and long silky hair discreetly handing out bags of whatevs.
And last night on the North-ish Shore (the Turtle Bay is a little outta the action) the earth was tipped on its access when John John, 22, won most popular surfer (as voted by the most popular surf magazine in the world) prising Kelly’s fingers off the trophy for the first time in a decade (Kelly has won it 19 times since 1993) and Kelly, 42, won best manoeuvre.
What is this, the Twilight Zone?
“Kelly’s won this 22 times. It’s as old as I am,” said John.
“I’m actually super-stoked that John got this. It’s actually the happiest I’ve ever been at second place,” Kelly said, convincing only the very drunk.
Slater added, “I’d like to thank my sponsor, except I don’t have any… (But) I’m doing OK.”
Noa Deane is a 20-year-old boy from Coolangatta on Australia’s Gold Coast. He won the night’s hippest award, The AI Breakthrough Performer, delivered by Andy’s wife Lyndie and little boy Ax.
Naturally, Stephanie Gilmore, the six-timer, won the gals. “There’s always more to do, there’s always more to improve upon,” she said.
Globe and filmmaker Joe G won best film with Strange Rumblings in Shangri-La. The Globe team, including Brendon Gibbens, Noa Deane, Dion Agius, Damo Hobgood and Creed McTaggart, accepted the award.
Dion Agius, in a white singlet, beanie and Epokhe glass, said, “Last time I was here I was on Xanax and I was so out of my mind I couldn’t talk.”
Fuck the WSL,” said Noa Deane.
“Oh you mother…fucker!” said Dion.
“No, no, we like the WSL,” said Joe G, panicked.
Surfer Poll host Gerry Lopez was wonderfully sublime, demonstrating you don’t have to be barbaric, shriek or gesticulate to front an awards show. He finished with a quote from the Dalai Lama.
“I wanted to end this evening with a little, not my wisdom, but the wisdom of someone I greatly respect, his holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. When asked what surprised him most about mankind he answered…
“Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;
the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;
he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
Full results below…
SURFER Poll Men’s Top 10
1. John John Florence
2. Kelly Slater
3. Gabriel Medina
4. Mick Fanning
5. Jordy Smith
6. Dane Reynolds
7. Joel Parkinson
8. Julian Wilson
9. Kolohe Andino
10. Taj Burrow
SURFER Poll Women’s Top 5
1. Stephanie Gilmore
2. Sally Fitzgibbons
3. Carissa Moore
4. Coco Ho
5. Alana Blanchard
A.I. Breakthrough Performer
Noa Deane
Best Barrel
Koa Smith, Skeleton Bay
Worst Wipeout
Myron Porter, The Right
Heavy Water
Grant “Twiggy” Baker
Best Documentary
Thundercloud, directed by Talon Clemow
Best Short
Cheese II, directed by Noa Deane and Shane Fletcher
Best Performance
Albee Layer in Attractive Distractions
Movie of the Year
Strange Rumblings in Shangri La, directed by Joe G