Oh holy night! The most wonderful night of the surfing calendar…
It is the most wonderful eve of the year! An oh-holy night when little boys pair their finest, crisp-from-the-cellophane button-ups with creased denim and little girls slip into platform flip-flops. Looking as fresh as the leis around their necks, they walk in to Turtle Bay’s ballroom, filled to the rotting rafters with stink and paranoia, and vie for “awards” voted on by you and me (minus “me”).
Mai Tais flow like water. Sometimes fights break out. Always no one has any real fun. And you would be forgiven for thinking I write of The Oscars or the first night of Hanukkah but you would also be wrong. Darlings, it is time for Surfer Poll.
Surfer Poll, our red carpeted celebration of surfing and surfers. Surfer Poll, our Sal Masekela and Freddy Patacchia seven-hour comedy show. Surfer Poll, our Surfer Poll. It has been happening for too long, I think, and there have been so many memorable moments. All of them involve Dane Reynolds speaking at the lectern. And there have been many memorable winners. Kelly Slater.
The show used to take place in the friendly confines of Anaheim, California, if you recall. And sure, sure Anaheim has absolutely zero style, culture or charm but, back then, it was safe. Anyone could go. Anyone could drink and say anything at all. There would be no slaps, no shifty-eyes, no rotting rafters or paranoia. But what sort of awards show is that? A boring one is what and so the powers decided to move the event to Oahu’s North Shore and hold it during the Triple Crown. Genius is not too hefty a compliment to hoist upon those powers (not Roy, fyi).
What is more, the show is live-streamed. You can watch Dane Reynolds and Kelly Slater in the ballroom right here. If you sniff deeply enough, you can even smell the weird. Or it might just be Spam Musubi but anyhow, shall we watch it together? Yes? The red-carpet show begins at 9 pm Pacific Standard Time.
Mix yourself a mai tai and we’ll play a drinking game. One large gulp every time there is a long and awkward pause. Just kidding! We’d all die of alcohol poisoning!