Exposed: Taking 40ft waves on the head is easy!

By Chas Smith

10 years ago

Is big wave surfing as dangerous as taking a warm shower?

This clip is years old (and also Nazare and also Garrett McNamara) but it has confounded me ever since I first saw it. Big wipeouts in giant surf, you see, are nightmarish. I picture being ragdolled underwater, unable to find my way to the surface, bile rising from stomach to throat. I picture pain and confusion and death’s cold hands wrapping around my feet pulling me down down down down. Even when I surf slightly overhead swell at my home beachbreak and a sneaker set feathers on the horizon I feel panic. I paddle for Japan with all my might. It might be a product of growing up on the Oregon coast and surfing so many unforgiving slabs and being sucked out in so many unforgiving riptides that I have PTSD. Who knows.

But this clip makes big wipeouts in giant surf seem no more threatening than putting my head underneath a bathtub’s faucet. Watch it carefully. How small does that wave look? How not bad does the ragdolling look? Is it a great secret that from head on big wipeouts in giant surf look terrifying but in reality they are no more threatening than putting my head underneath a garden hose?

I’ve had various people tell me that GoPros make things look smaller but that makes no sense so could someone explain? Peter Mel, are you there? Evan Slater can you pretty please either help me understand or paddle me out at giant Todos Santos so we can giggle in the gentle hot tub together?

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Are surfing companies missing a great marketing opportunity by ignoring the gay market? "Don't get me wrong," writes Rory Parker. "I love seeing huge airs and watching the girls' caramel haunches flex through a bottom turn as much as the next guy, but you've gotta admit that focusing solely on the hetero-types leaves a huge potential market untapped."

How surf co’s could make billions by selling “gay”!

By Rory Parker

10 years ago

Laughing, gasping, grunting boys! Tell me it won't sell!

I was watching the WSL Dawn Patrol show today, thoroughly enjoying the sloppy onshore backdrop and attempts to convince viewers that the second round of the women’s event was held in anything other than weak garbage, when the new Quik ad appeared on screen.

Featuring a young boy getting a hack job tattoo on his hairy leg, and pimping boardshorts which are, apparently, not meant to be used in the ocean, it conveyed beautifully the idea that you don’t need to be a surfer in order to look like one.

Unfortunately, outside of that one exceptional piece of web marketing, the majority of adverts aimed at the audience fall far short of accomplishing the capitalist goal of an ever-increasing market share.

Maybe it’s a result of decades of complacency created by more or less owning a captive market, but the world of surf marketing seems caught in perpetual loop of rehashed themes and uninspired campaigns. In its current form it’s like getting a rimjob in a public toilet from some dude you just met. It’s not, you know, terrible, and it gets the job done, but it’s not exactly something to brag about. And you definitely won’t win any awards for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing huge airs and watching the girls’ caramel haunches flex through a bottom turn as much as the next guy, but you’ve gotta admit that focusing solely on the hetero-types leaves a huge potential market untapped.

Picture this:

A pristine white sand beach, deserted but for Kolohe and John John. Slim supple bodies glistening with cocoa butter, sweat beading on their chests and trickling down towards the waist of their low-slung board shorts. The surf is flat, but they don’t care. Their hearts are filled to bursting with unbridled joie de vivre. They exist in a pure moment, filled with a hedonistic disregard for the mundane, unbridled by life’s distractions.

Kolohe leans over and playfully pokes John John in the ribs. With a giggle born of innocence John John returns the gesture, his hand lingering just a little longer than necessary. They lock eyes and come together.

Laughing, gasping and grunting they begin to roll across the beach, arms and legs tangled. They wrestle with abandon, two young men in their prime delighting in their strength and flexibility. Kolohe pins JJ for a moment. John John is on his back, Kolohe straddling his hips, shoulders down, back arched. John John reverses, grabbing Kolohe’s wrists and pinning them to the ground. He presses down with all his strength, we see his back muscles ripple, proud firm buttocks pointed skyward, only a thin layer of nylon denying the viewer a glimpse of his pink, blond-fringed, asshole.

They lock eyes again, chests heaving, moist lips slightly parted. There’s a meaning behind the gaze, but is it merely the joy of two competitors testing their strength against each other, or does it spring from something deeper, something more sexual?

Smash cut:

Hurley Boardshorts: Guaranteed to stay on, but so fun to take off.

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Turtles are like ponies, says Jamie O

The Myth of the Hard-Core Tropical Surfer

By Michael Kocher

10 years ago

You've got the best waves in the world, it's 80 fucking degrees and you want to complain about haole boys and closeouts?

There’s a fundamental difference in outlook from those of us who grew up surfing in the North Pacific, and those even in places like Maine who surf. In order to learn to surf anywhere north of San Francisco you’re going to deal with shitty weather, rough and closeout breaks, and even getting into the lineup often requires forcing your way through six to ten separate breaks.

Hawaiians like to talk about how dangerous their waves are, how brutal the reefs are, and so forth. The reality of the situation, however, is that anyone who’s learned to surf in Oregon, Washington, British Columbia, Alaska, etc, has dealt with far more adversity in the pursuit of stoke than anything you will face in Hawaii. The one true difficulty that Hawaii has over somewhere like Oregon or Alaska is the rampant localism and the wicked crowded lineups. In exchange, however, you have the lifeguards, easy access to medical care and a distinct lack of Great Whites.

The most important aspect is that it’s easy to be a person who surfs somewhere like Southern California, Hawaii, Florida, etc, but in order to deal with all the bullshit it takes to surf the North Pacific you have to be a surfer.

No one else will put in the time, the effort, the physical toll, in order to catch a few shitty closeout waves by themselves, day after day. I’m obviously being biased here. I spent my youth in Alaska and my summers with my grandparents in San Diego so I had a rather unique exposure to the two different extremes of surf culture, if you will.

In Alaska just the logistics of getting to the part of the state where there are consistent breaks, mainly the southeastern part of the state, are challenging in and of themselves. In San Diego you’re within two hours of something like 250 individually named breaks. About the only place that’s difficult to get to are the breaks along the coastline that Camp Pendleton controls, and honestly it’s not that hard to get on the base, legally or otherwise.

The point of this article isn’t to pit people against each other, although the tone might lead you think otherwise, the point is to make people who are blessed to live somewhere like Hawaii, Orange County, or San Diego, realize how lucky they are and how much effort people elsewhere have to put in to catch waves that, for the most part, pale in comparison to what y’all find in your backyards.

Instead of focusing on all the stupid bullshit that we focus on, the assholes snaking waves, the kooks cracking boards or the standup paddleboards just fucking everything up, we need to focus on that thing that unites us all, the search for that endorphin rush that we all get from a decent wave, a good ride, and a woman to impress.

Give me stoke over the weak shit that is cocaine any day of the week.

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The greatest surf photographer of all time?

By Chas Smith

10 years ago

Art is subjective. Isn't it?

Brian Bielmann is a legend. He is the oldest photographer shooting from the water right now. He has seen technologies come and technologies go but he is still there. In the water.

“I first started shooting water at Pipeline,” he says. “I remember moving out there in 1978. I surfed that Spring and thought, ‘ok next season I am going to be on every single swell!’ I was doing photography at the same time but I’d always say, ‘I’m gonna surf for an hour and then shoot. I’d never come in.’ And so winter came around and I paddled out on a bigger day at Rocky Point. I got pitched over and hit my head on the reef…basically almost died…and so I was sitting in the hospital with all these tubes coming out of me and that was it. It was gonna be photography.”

Brian Bielmann took his camera and his long lens and made his own housing and started swimming fearlessly. Capturing Gerry Lopez and Shaun Tomson and Marvin Foster and getting them famous. Getting famous himself.

The years passed and digital cameras became popular on land and Brian Bielmann thought, “enough of this film garbage” and switched over to a Canon Mark II. Nobody else was doing digital in the water. He swam and shot and captured an image of Andy Irons 3x world champ flying above the lip in Indonesia. The image was made into a billboard and everyone saw it and everyone switched to digital.

Maybe too many switched. Brian says, “Everybody started shooting digital and everybody started shooting fisheye. I never really liked shooting fisheye. I like shooting long lens where you see the whole wave. The roof of the wave and the ceiling of the barrel. You can see how big it is. Back in the day I remember Ted Grambeau yelling at guys shooting fisheye to go in because it makes everything look the same. It makes a four foot wave look four foot and an eight foot wave look four foot. Some guys are great at it and get amazing angles but too many people are doing it. I love the long lens look…”

And so Brian shoots long lens but he also loves to shoot underwater shots. Is getting even more famous because of it. “I love the underwater stuff,” he says. “It keeps me going and keeps me doing something really different. There are all those shots of surfers in the tube, which are really cool, but I’m also shooting different stuff. My wife is really pretty, I’m happy to say, and I do some mermaid shots with her. There is this thing called Flotilla in Waikiki where there are hundreds of surfboards, boats, legs and I swim underneath and capture all of that…I still love my backlit Pipe days but the underwater stuff gives me a new direction and allows me to stay in the water. I definitely don’t swim out on those crazy north days anymore.”

Since he has been around so long, knows the past and is the past, where does he see the future? “I think a lot of athletes are going to start getting into photography and put themselves places that we haven’t been. It’s just like surfing. People are taking off differently at Pipe, doing things that wouldn’t have been possible in the past. Now there are guys like Russo who, he definitely has a screw loose but is pushing the limits…”

And Brian Bielmann’s future will continue to be amazing underwater images and long lens amazingness. His future is beautiful.

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Steve Sherman (left) and Mike Balzer (v for victory!). If it was a game of who's sexier, it'd be a Sherman whitewash.

Pitiless: Balzer v Sherm (Part three!)

By Derek Rielly

10 years ago

Top surf photog revealed as notorious anonymous troll?

As was revealed, here and here, the American photo-journalist Steve Sherman was recently engaged in an Instagram shakedown with the LA photographer Mike Balzer.

The essence of the story is this: In 1992 Steve Sherman was employed to photograph the surfers in Taylor Steele’s movie Focus for the video’s cover. The photo, which features Kelly Slater, Ross Williams (yes! Now the best commentator in the world!), Kalani Robb and co, wasn’t used as the cover; that honour went to a surf shot by Mike Balzer.

Lately, Sherman has been posting his older shots on IG with a brief anecdote behind each photo. “I shot this for @taylorsteele in 1992, for the cover of his video Focus… I was blown away how they all showed up right on time and gave their all,” said Steve Sherman.

Balzer, from gorgeous Manhattan Beach right there in Los Angeles, pounced: “Fraud: An act of deceiving or misrepresenting … Someone needs to tell the truth hear. What other make believe stories will go on his gallery? Bullshit!”

The story gets better. The pair used to work together at Transworld Surf: Steve as the photo editor, Mike as a syndicated photographer.

“I liked working with Mike. I really liked his work,” says Sherm.

But, as happens in biz, a conflict arose and Transworld and Balzer split.

And, then, years later, as Surfing magazine began posting Sherman’s classic behind-the-scenes contest images online, a mysterious troll, Kaipo Gomes, began a relentless campaign against Sherman. Whenever a Sherman photo appeared, so did Kaipo Gomes.

Apart from coining the classic nickname “Sherwank” the commentary alluded to Sherm’s lack of ability, with camera, and his possible sexual urges towards pro surfers.

Here’s a couple:

Kaipo Gomes

Further proof that Sherwank is just a paparazzi, lurking groupie photog. All this for just one old photo? Really……?! Sherwank comes off as the kid that snuck into the party he wasn’t invited to and rattles off lines written by someone else. “Parko’s style is so effortless I think the Judges underscore him all the time”. As if he is the barometer for anything related to Judging the World’s best surfers. Still amazed that he gets gigs to just shoot the trivial bulllshit in the VIP area. Remember that surfing is done in the water and on waves. The history of surfing is remembered with photos of surfers on waves. Thank the world for shooters like Tom Carey and Glaser that shoot surfers on waves as their stock in trade. TMZ called and they want Sherwank to cover the Kardashians. Right up his alley.

Kaipo Gomes

For all you lovers of all things Sherm you don’t think this is a little creepy? This is ONE photo of Kelly in a bed. That’s it. Not a huge turn or tube or air but just Kelly in a bed. For Sherm to get sooooo excited about this photo is pathetic. Again History of Surfing in made in the water. Actually surfing. Cordoso beat Kelly and that is history that happened in the water. That didn’t happen in the VIP area or worse in Shermwank’s bed. Flat out creepy!

Kaipo Gomes

Thank you, DoucheBag, someone that sees Sherwank for what he is. The VIP area, roaming, lurking, creeping paparazzi photog that he is. His photos are not anywhere near the talent of Brewer, Hornbaker but more simple point and shoot simpleton stuff. Almost anyone can get the shots he does. What they can’t get is the VIP pass to enter that area. Is Sherwank a bodyboarder? He must be as that would figure. Most of the printed photogs these days are spongers. Go the tummy twirl Sherwank.

Kaipo Gomes

“critical”: exercising or involving careful judgement or judicious evaluation.

“criticism”: the art of evaluating or analyzing with knowledge.

Why do you focus solely on the “negative” aspect of this? Are you not reading any of this? I will apologize to your son as I don’t want to bum a young, impressionable kid out. But……………………………let me ask you, Steve, how do you choose the photo you present here? Do you exercise judgement or judicious evaluation over others? Sure you do. Every person has an opinion but very few will actually voice their opinion or in my case type my opinion. I feel it’s lame that you solely shoot “mainly” in the VIP area of elite surf contests. You get a VIP pass to that area that other shooters cannot get. Therefore you have a HUGE advantage over them. They can’t even get near those subjects to shoot to even compete with your shots. Some of the shots you get are good for what they are but they are not surfing on waves in the water. Do you get that? You really are a one-trick-pony that sets your digital camera on black & white and basically fires away. What’s so hard about that? Compare that to the guy swimming his ass off in the water. Or the guy getting slammed by the crowd on the beach. Or the guy trying to get a different angle down the beach. Come on you even have to get this. Ask yourself is the shot of Andy really great? I think not. And I think you would agree. Your shot of Andy behind the Presidential podium is getting there because of the concept and what he is wearing. Show that and tell that story. Glad you have an open mind to discuss. Don’t take this as negative but as a kick in the ass to push you to do better. Why not?

Jason Miller was the online editor at Surfing at the time and recalls, if vaguely, checking the IP address of Kaipo Gomes and, lo!, it was coming straight out of Manhattan Beach, Los Angeles. Not absolute proof, sure, but it sure narrowed the field.

“It was a weird time,” says Miller, who was the muscle behind shifting the entire website to a new platform. “We wanted to open the floodgates so people could express their opinion. We didn’t want to censor people. And Sherm became the target.”

But, as in all open societies, as much as trolls want to troll; others will be there to defend the defenceless.

Here’s a sample.

manbearpig

i consider my self a regular at ING but not a regular commenter… the only thing I notice about these Sherm photos is Kaipo Gomes constantly bashing the guy..like on almost every photo. Did Sherm root your wife? whats the deal its just a picture. Yeah sherm seems to have an ego, everybody with 2 eyes can see that, you don’t have tell us every time. sheesh

Mike Balzer, meanwhile, who initiated the latest feud with Sherman, and who emailed me “further proof” of the validity of his claims wrote: “As with all things like this the Editor, YOU, have the last word and can make a person out to be a jackass. I hope you can see that my attempt here is to suss out Sherman and make him tell the truth and not bullshit at the cost of his integrity to sell some T-shirts.”

When I asked (ever so gently) about his alter-ego Kaipo Gomes the shutters came down. Emails went unanswered. Phone calls rung out.

And, today, the conciliatory message:

“Hello Derek,

After some thinking on this I realize I made a mistake in how aggressive I got. I’d rather just let it be.

Eat beach grit spam!